When he chose to leave I had no other option than to live with the choice he had made. Although I’m doing my best to move on, I’ll always have questions about why he did what he did and how he can live with himself after causing so much pain.
How can someone just walk away? How can you be a family one day and not the next? How selfish do you have to be to just walk away?
You made choices. You made the choice to hurt me. You made the choice to hurt the kids. You made the choice to leave us for a girl you met on Instagram. You made the choice to walk out. No one made you do it. You did it because your freedom was more important to you than your family. I didn’t choose any of this, yet I am forced to deal with it.
It isn’t like you just walked away from me. You walked away from your children too. You walked away from everything.
Your choice left me with questions.
How does someone just do that?
How do you give up on everything you worked towards in life?
How can you NOT be there for your kids?
How can you be okay with walking away and seeing your son sad?
How can you walk away and give up time with your kids for a whole new life?
How do you live with yourself knowing that your children lay in bed, crying because they want Daddy to come home?
How can you be okay with the pain and the hurt you have caused them?
None of this is okay. NONE OF IT!
It hurts me to see them hurt. You don’t see your son crying at night. You don’t see the pain in his eyes. You don’t hear the anger in his voice. You don’t get the pain- I do. The worst part is that I cannot take it away. I didn’t choose this for him. No matter what I do to make up for it; I cannot take that pain away from him. How do you think it is all okay?
Once again, I’m cleaning up after you.
I have always taken care of your problems. Fuck you for thinking I should clean up this mess and make it all okay for you. You have lied to me this entire time. You have lied to the kids. Everything is a lie. How can you be so deceiving? How can you act like this is no big deal when you have lied about everything?
I built a life with you. I created a family with you. I was planning a future with you. You apparently never wanted this life. You said so when you told me “People can have a family, then decide they don’t want them anymore and leave.” No, they usually don’t. That was your choice. You answered that question when I asked you why you did this and you responded with “Shit happens.” Shit like this doesn’t “just happen.” Again, it is because of another choice you made.
You made the wrong choice, I will always make the right choice.
I don’t do anything without the kids. I take them everywhere with me. Not only because I must, but because I want to. It is my choice. We are often late or need to stop somewhere because we forgot something, but we get it all done. You told me that you don’t think I can live without you. Well, guess what? I am doing it all without you. I am doing it all on my own. I can do it all on my own.
I would not trade the stress and chaos of raising my children for anything. I have the kids and that is enough. I love them more than anything. I would struggle just to give them the best; the best of me, the best of my time. I struggle Every.Single.Day.
But I always make sure I kiss their boo-boos, sing them songs, laugh with them, tickle them, play on the floor with them, hold them when they are scared, and make five trips a night to the bathroom every night. Those are my choices in the situation that I am forced to deal with.
I make them feel like they are the greatest thing in my life because they are. They are worth the struggle. They are my choice. I am worth the struggle. This family is worth the struggle. This family is my choice.
My heart goes out to you. It is tough divorcing someone who looks at the world self centered. But for for both you and I that is exactly what happened. I’m a little further than you from when my now ex husband left me for his about 15 year older secretary i have been divorced for 5 years now. Two kids and a home, a life didn’t seem to matter anymore. I don’t think it ever mattered to him really, although he put a good fake act for quite some time. He just couldn’t fake NOT being self centered anymore. There were signs, TONS of signs. i just chose to not look to deeply and that fault lays with me. The new truck he HAD to have every 2 years or so, didn’t matter that i was still driving the kids around in my college beater. The top of the line archery and hunting equipment, he also had to have. Ok, i’ll just forgo this, or forgo that so he was happy. It was always trying to make “HIM” happy, problem was once i thought, finally, he’s happy, he would move onto obsess about something else. He was always obessing after something, and never did it usually include something either me or the kids included or wanted. I wanted trips for memories to be made with the kids and a safe home etc. He wanted things, and order and to be taken care of. Once the inital shock of “i’m leaving you for the secretary and btw i lost my job because of the affair” wore off, the first thing i felt was…..relief. I was so relieved to not be chasing the rabbit of his happiness anymore. My ex husband also had to “think about things” and looking back i wish i wouldn’t have given him too much time to think. That time in my life seems so surreal now. Did i neglect him physically? Absolutely, because i was so exhausted to work full time and juggle everything else, bills, chores, dinner, groceries, kids taxi service to open house and soccer practice and hockey practice. I should have spoken up, but that would have just brought on a “what i need to do better” lecture, he was very good….at telling me what to do.
Flash forward 5 years, Happily remarried to whom i call my partner in life. We met at a local divorce support group, his wife left him (and children) for a guy on the internet, we had lots in common. lol, the family (including now 4 healthy happy kids) is first, communication is open, cooperation/team is 50/50, i get the night shift he gets the morning shift, etc, etc., massages are given when needed, we got each others back, neither takes the other for granted. we know we are blessed and given a second chance here to be a wonderful yet crazy family life, full of daily laughing and happiness albeit with a touch of craziness thrown in. that doesn’t come by naturally, it’s a choice we both have made and stuck too, vowed too.
and where’s my ex? still working on “HIS” happiness, with someone else now chasing that elusive happiness rabbit, married to his secretary. You would think i would hate her, but actually i empathize and feel bad for her, i truly do. It’s almost like i feel like i have been let go from a life in prison, one that i never had to feel guilt for walking away from, he did that, and i could have never accomplished that without her interference into our marriage.
be careful what you wish for.
I feel for you completely and like the other commentor, I realized there were many red flags during my long marriage, as well as prior to it. The pain of self-reflection is so hard and regret can overwhelm one, but it’s worth the process to get to the other side so you can become strong and more aware of what is acceptable from others going forward. I learned to forgive myself for being in denial so long, adore my children, and worked hard to get to the point that my ex is meaningless-don’t hate, dislike, like, or love him…he is nothing. If you ahve young children be protective of them..just because your ex contributed sperm if he’s not a good, loving, supportive father, minimize their need for him.
wow this is so true. I’m a divorced woman. My X left me for another woman who dumped him after 5 years. To late. He hurt our family. I watched my 3 kids hurt and still hurt after 17 ears. Of course I’ve moved on and remarried and he has a girlfriend. It is a broken family. Holidays and birthdays are separate. People today are so selfish!!!!! They don’t care about anyone but themselves. It is so easy for divorce today and it’s nobody’s fault just 50/50. I work at a school district. We teach their are consequences for your actions. But their are no consequences for the person who leaves and deserts their family. We teach That children need consistency, and routine. But the courts don’t follow this and then the kids get messed up. I wish I could help the world stop the madness.