When an angry man wants to destroy an ex, the courts are complicit way too often.
The story below belongs to Marina, a mother of 2 who found herself in a long-drawn-out battle with a husband who wanted a divorce but wasn’t happy once he got what he wanted.
He Defied Every Aspect Of The Divorce Decree And, Got Away With It
Before I get into my story I think it is important to explain that it was my ex who wanted the divorce. I wanted to save our marriage and he told me “it wasn’t worth it to him.” He got a divorce and then spent years behaving like a petulant child, throwing one fit after another as if the divorce had been forced on him.
My divorce was an ongoing contentious battle for 6 years.
The funny thing, my ex fought one particular aspect of our final divorced decree, a part that wouldn’t have cost him a penny to follow through with.
He did many, many, many things that I found deplorable but the one thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was him spending thousands of dollars on attorney fees to keep from doing something that wouldn’t have cost him anything to do.
I was a stay-at-home Mom for 17 years. My main concern during the divorce was that my children and I have a home to live in when all was said and done. So, during settlement negotiations, in lieu of alimony, I requested that my ex co-sign a home loan that I would, after ten years, refinance in my name alone.
I had no work history, no income, and no credit history in my name alone. I knew I wouldn’t be able to finance a home on my own. So, our final divorce decree stated that he was to help me obtain financing on a home for his children and me to live in. I would make the mortgage payments; his name would be on the lone with mine.
Let me explain this about my ex. He defied EVERY aspect of our final divorce decree. He paid child support when he felt like it until I went to court and had an income withholding order put into place and child support started coming out of his pay. It took nearly two years of being in and out of court to get something that simple done.
For some reason, my ex repeatedly chose to cut off his nose to spite his face.
The children and I were to remain in the marital home until it sold. He turned down every offer we got on the home. For two and one-half years the children and I lived in the marital home while real estate agents showed it, delivered offers from buyers and my ex refused to sign a sales contract. I finally went back to court to force the sale of the marital home and the judge gave him a slap on the wrist for interfering with the sale.
He cut off contact with his children. He chose not to see or communicate with them and used “parental alienation” on my part as an excuse. When I delivered emails in court proving he was voluntarily refusing contact with his children he denied writing the emails. In the six years we were in and out of court that was the only time the judge took exception with his side of the story and let my ex know, in very plain language, that he had abandoned his children and he would not force the children to have a relationship with their father.
Back to the home he was supposed to help me finance. Six years after the divorce I took him back to court for the last time on the matter. The judge told him he had 30 days to find a bank and get the paperwork done on a house I had found.
Instead of taking that 30 days and helping me finance a home for his children to live in he decided to build a home of his own for himself and his new wife. He went out and secured a new home loan in the amount of $732,000.00. The home I had found would have financed for $154,000.00. So, not only did he spent thousands on attorney fees to keep from doing something that would have only cost him a signature on the paperwork, he went in debt for over $700,000.00 just to spite me.
He spared no expense when it came to making sure I didn’t get what I wanted.
Before the 30-day period was up, his attorney sent the judge ex-parte communication explaining that my ex couldn’t finance a home for me and the children because he had gotten a home loan for himself and his new “family.”
I received a letter from the judge in which he told me he was dismissing my case, “with prejudice.” Meaning I was barred from ever bringing an action in his court on the matter again. In the end, a dirty judge allowed a wealthy man to place his children in the position of possibly not having a home to live in.
I later found out through a court clerk that I went to high school with that there was a substantial check in the ex-parte communication my ex’s attorney sent to the judge. He bought off the judge!!
I wish I had an accounting of all the money my ex spent in order to get out of doing something that wouldn’t have cost him a dime to do.
I emailed my ex about the situation and he responded by telling me, “I don’t care where you live, you can live on the fucking street for all I care. If the boys need a place to live, send them to live with me.” At that time, it had been four years since he had seen or communicated with either one of his boys.
Don’t tell me that men get screwed in divorce court! My ex walked away with 92% of his income. I received 8% in child support. Support he stopped paying when our youngest was 15-years-old.
That is just the legal aspect of my divorce. The personal and emotional aspect would curl your hair. That is another article, altogether.
I’m Telling My Story!
I’m Letting My Voice Be Heard!
I’ve heard these stories many times. When I unexpectedly decided to divorce after 30 years I made the decision that the person I had married, loved, and supported all those years was dead and the person I was dealing with in a legal action-the divorce – was a stranger. I did not trust him; I took the offense with the idea of defending what was rightfully mine. I decided nothing material was of value and would not fight over those things, instead I focused on the long view. When a younger friend, with a small child, was in the same situation I am happy to say she followed my advice and retained everything that was rightfully hers; protected her child from an abusive, unloving father, and like me, got a good amount of therapy to move forward emotionally. Don’t expect anyone you are divorcing to be fair, or concerned about you. Protect your children from emotional or physical abuse. There are “good” divorces where there is mutual respect and everyone considers the children first, but they are rare.Oh, and I worked hard to reestablish a career and self-support after a decade of being out of the work force.
Moira Markham, I’ve been through similar except reestablishing a career. What steps, advice would you give/did you take?
Thank you! It’s nice to know that there are other women out there that go through the nonsense I am too unfortunately. My ex has lost his mind too. He does what he wants & this has been going on for 14 years. I haven’t found much help in the courts especially the child support court. There’s no consequences for his not paying the court ordered child support! This has been dragged out for over a year. My nest egg is gone from supporting the kids with it. I’ve been a stay at home mom primarily so I don’t have a career to fall back on. I’m not sure where to go from here.
WoW Marina, Thank You for sharing!!
Your story is heartbreaking and I know many will even find it hard to belive (that in today’s day and age) this discrimination and legal abuse can actually exist in our Family Court System.
Unfortunately, many of us have lived it.
My Ex also continues to violate court orders. I brought him in on 2 contempt charges and all he got was a slap on the wrist. Currently he is in contempt again for the very same charges and I know it’s because there were no consequences for the first 2 contempt charges.. why wouldn’t he continue to do exactly what he wants?? Anything in the divorce decree is a joke .. the courts couldn’t care less, at least not here in CT.
I could tell you a hundred stories plus just like this and more. I think I’ll gather my thoughts and post them on this site. I too, was a stay at home mom of four. My ex left shortly after our last child was born. It’s been 17 plus years and he’s more hateful each day, more spiteful, thinks he is his own judge and jury. It has to stop somewhere. The Courts just slap his hand reinforcing his horrid behavior.
I applaud any moment that overtly communicates to state legislatures the abuse in family court.
My EX is a surgeon in California who controls two businesses that we started together. He sent his personal and business financials to a third party (300 miles away) to have them all change b/c if his lawyer did it, he would be disbarred. My children’s and my spousal support was cut in half due to those false statements while I sat in court that day with my Century City Attorney and Forensic accountant holding all the certified correct statements in my folder due to subpeonaes. I fired that Century City attorney (who himself was in bankruptcy at the time) and hired a local attorney. The local attorney and I took my EX back to court for Fraud and Perjury and I won in the Judges chambers with my support back to it’s original amount, but it cost me over $70,000 just to bring that motion to court. I won in the chambers but “no attorney fees” and “no sanctions”, because my EX has not paid taxes in 6 years. The Judge told us to settle and after 3 years of constant settlement discussions, I took the advice of my attorney and settled with compromises. Sure enough……my EX is non-compliant on every issue except support because it is collected through California Department of Child Services (DCSS), who have and will pull his medical and dental degrees if he is 30 days late. His passport was revoked because he owes over $850,000 in tax debt (2010 – 2016) …….and, I am still crying like a “little girl” because he will not pay our $200,000 2010 tax bill to the IRS, which he agreed to in our settlement (which the IRS is collecting from me monthly now) and pay me 50% of his medical practices.
So, I finally asked my divorce attorney – “Please tell me one thing that my EX-husband has done right regarding the law or to better the kids lives?” My Ex has only used the system to abuse his family, laugh at the system (he does not care if he is in-contempt), and continue to self-destruct. He “cashed-in” the kids college funds the day our oldest graduated from high school by putting $100k in the medical practice, he also “cut-off” support for six months until DCSS got involved, he has not paid taxes in 8 years, and still makes close to $800,000. I have gotten no attorney fees or sanctions because his tax debt is too high and I have the ability to pay my attorney though my spousal support. Mean while, he hires tax attorney’s, business attorney’s, bankruptcy attorney’s to scare me and pays for it all out of our community businesses…….and, the litigation continues with all the lawyers making $$$ because my EX does not want to grow up and change his own diaper.
Finally, a Receiver is going into the businesses….but, I have to pay for it!!! My husband’s 1st beverly hills attorney and my Century City attorney should be disbarred. They colluded to make my children and I penniless……not going to happen on my watch. The system needs to be re-hauled and if an attorney firm is having $$$ problems or an attorney filed chapter 7 within a year – run, run, run. They will take your $25,000 and not represent you if they see it is going to be a long drawn out fight. The Family Lawyers should have to demonstrate their ability to carry a case to close either by a state rating agency (much like a bond rating or grading system) because many attorney just take your money and “drop” your case if a more liquid client comes along.
Wow…. sounds very familiar to my story. In short, my ex was ordered in court to sign the quit claim deed to me. I was ordered to refinance or sell the house. I found refinancing and my parents co-signed. When time came to close on the house, my parents and I did our part. My ex refused to sign. I took him back to court but by that time, it was too late, my credit took the hit from having it checked, even with a co signer to get the refi again. I was then forced to sell the house with the judges decision. She resented her original order stating that she forced me too early in the divorce proceedings to refi the home I changing her order, my ex then only had to sign the QCD for me to sell. I had to sell it at a highly reduced price because she gave me 30 days to get it sold.
My 14y/o son and I are living with my parents for a year now.
My personal silver lining; I’m returning to college to obtain my BSN.
I am so happy to see women finally bringing these stories to the light of day. I have personal knowledge that most people who have never entered a family court room or IV-D court simply do not KNOW the evil going on in these rooms! You can’t change what is not acknowledged! But like the crisis with unpaid child support, the parents involved, mostly moms are working two jobs, struggling to keep the kids fed and to damn tired to do anything like lobbying for the laws to changed… But we MUST COME TOGETHER and do it NOW. My questions is how? We now have hashtags out the wazoo… #TimesUp #TimesUpNow # Changethisnow #cryout #DVLEAP #SilenceisnotSpiritual I think if we could all get TOGETHER– Unite under ONE hashtag we might have a chance to make a difference this year.
We need to stand up together and make the courts accountable to the existing family laws. SANCTIONS and FEES for being in contempt or blatant defiance of existing family laws. Taking a motion to court in high conflict cases is looked on as going to “Tattling School” and the Judges do not do anything. The Spouse who has very little $$$ or no direct access to the big $$$$ appears as a “complainer”. Judges allow the abuse because if they make a ruling….EX’s can appeal them, and the poorer spouse has less $$$$ to give to the children for a stable life during the appeal. And, every attorney wants to get paid ASAP on scorch earth fights. The spouse with no $$$ gets dropped by attorney’s if they can not pay. In my situation, my ex did not file his tax returns for 3 years (I filed separate and paid my taxes), he did everything illegal – stopped paying on a court support order, unilaterally stopped paying on our mortgage, cashed the kids college funds, lied on every submitted court financial document, has not paid taxes in 8 years, and the Judge did not do anything because of my EX’s IRS tax debt. My Ex’s debt is too high and he does not pay anything except his AMEX. However, my EX can hire attorneys to continue the fight……….INSANE. And, how does this better the children? Family Laws are there to protect ALL Family members not just the abusive spouse. It is called Family Law court, not Family Abuse court.
Mothers losing the ability to have a home because the EX- wants to destroy her and their own children is immoral. Yet, it happens all the time and the courts just tell you to go settle. My EX unilaterally stopped paying the mortgage and my car payment because I said, “Honey we need to pay taxes and you should not buy that Porchse”. Boom!!!!! He files divorce (because he does not want to grow up) hires a Lawyer who will play his GRANDIOSE “scorched earth” game of winner takes all . And, after 8 years of fighting and my EX getting sued by his old attorney for not paying his own attorney fees, we are still fighting……and, the courts just say….go settle and when your ex- files bankruptcy, we will be here so you can pay another attorney to increase your child and spousal support because your EX bankrupted out of paying you the 50% of your estates property value. INSANE –
Wow. Generally it’s men who get destroyed by divorce. All the ex wives of my dude friends sleep in, go to yoga and lunch at Nieman Marcus as they did well in the alimony department.
Or,so you friends tell you. I didn’t ask for alimony during my divorce. I did, however receive child support and, not a lot of that. To hear my ex, you’d think that $650 a month in child support paid all of our expenses. According to him, despite the fact that I worked full-time and made a great income, he paid for our vacations, he paid for my manicures, paid for it all. In reality, what he financially contributed to his children’s need was a drop in the bucket when compared to the cost of raising those children. Men who have to pay like to complain. Men who have to pay all have big fish stories about how well their exes are living off their money. Women who receive enough alimony to sleep in and go to yoga are few and far between. Men who complain about their exes lifestyles on their dime are a dime a dozen.