It’s been two weeks since he left. Waking up is terrifying right now, each morning I open my eyes in fear of what memories or emotions are screaming for release. Yesterday was a less painful day, but today, the humiliation returned.
I’m tortured in the most inconvenient and overwhelming manner by this heart of mine. It cultivates and exposes those feelings I prefer to hide, the harder I push those feelings down, and attempt to distinguish them, my heart is a selfish bastard and regurgitates the temporary forgiveness inviting once again the hatred and tears.
Friends mean well, and I’m thankful for those who I can call at a moments notice, and are content lying with me, holding me, offering to kill that son of a bitch and offering those same few phrases of bullshit which we all know are lies, but desperately want to believe.
“He will come crawling back once he realizes what he lost” and “He doesn’t deserve you!” or my favorite phrase right now “She is a disgusting home wrecking tramp, who probably has HERPES and low self esteem!”
While these all help some, or make me laugh my mind gathers a response of “Well her vagina must be laced with something or bedazzled, because why else would he leave me? Why did he leave our kids, our family and why in the hell for her? Why? Why? I just want a clear fucking answer, just once, the whole truth – Don’t I deserve that, at least? And…why do I still care, and cry…why?”
For two weeks now, I’ve laid here alone each night, knowing he hasn’t laid alone once. I’ve avoided grocery stores, or public places for fear of running into him, his family or anyone who has questions. I’m humiliated, embarrassed and feel as though I’ve suffered a loss far worse than the death of a loved one, because in that type of loss – they didn’t choose to leave. He chose to leave me; to leave us.
Social media makes it worse, either by reliving the past of us, or witnessing the present of his new relationship. It is sickening that I still look him or her up. It is sickening to see the pictures of them together, to see them kissing, to see our friends who remain supportive for sake of their friendship to him. There are moments where I become consumed by them, and reading their loving posts to each other about how glad they are to have found one another, and how much happier he is with her.
My children ask if he is coming home, and my response to them varies on the day. Sometimes it is no, sometimes it is that he is taking a break, and we will have to see. They are angry, he never even said goodbye to them, of course they are angry. That is point where my anger returns tenfold – he hurt my children. He was their step-dad, and he always claimed them as his own, but apparently that was all an act. Just like our marriage.
On bad nights, like tonight, after the onslaught of snotty toilet paper, sweaty pits, and hyperventilating crying I have to remember life is still happening all around me. It’s my job as a mother to begin picking up the pieces and taking care of all the responsibilities I can’t turn my back on as he has. My life must move forward. While his life is spent with her, in her home, with his head completely up her ass, not giving two shits about the family he tossed away like yesterday’s trash. I fucking hate him! Hate him!
*This article is an excerpt from the diary I kept two years ago when my emotions were new and raw, thank you for reading!
photo credit: FREDBOUAINE via photopin cc
I am so sorry for your pain; there are brighter days ahead — I know because I’ve been there. My situation was a bit different than yours. My ex-husband didn’t want a divorce; he just wanted to have one or more ladies on the side, even though we had what I thought was a good marriage. I eventually filed for divorce, and was happy to have him out of our home. He was a good father to our son, and we treated each other respectfully on those occasions when we had to be together for our son’s sake. The last time I saw him (or spoke with him) was at our son’s wedding, about five years ago. He never remarried and is now in a nursing home (he’s older than I). My son stays in touch with him and he told me that his father is still chasing the ladies… Some people never change! Long ago I gave myself permission to move on and leave the past behind, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And I truly believe that he lost more than I did in the long run. I wish you well. In time, you’ll be able to let go of the pain and anger, and you’ll find a new and fulfilling life without him.
Your ex sounds just like Jim. Be very careful.
I left Jim Forbes for the same reason…be aware of his history.
Maryann,
Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. This was a snippet from my divorce two years ago, while in the moment. I wanted to make sure I felt every part of what was happening, so it wouldn’t sneak up on me later. It was in hindsight the best loss I endured, and although he is still a galavanting Casanova, we are content and much better off. I’m happy you realized you deserved happiness and a better life. Thank you so much for reading.
I laugh and cry with you Jessica. Some of this sounds like my story. My ex left me and our three children three separate times. Something would go wrong in the marriage he would get mad and leave. Marriage is not easy especially the longer you are in it and kids are involved. I got tired of him leaving and not facing whatever was wrong. I called him every name in the book, cursed him, cried a lot, gained weight, lost weight, cried a little more because all of this is part of the grief process. Divorce is like a death and you have to go through the stages denial,anger,bargain,depression,acceptance. You will go through them all eventually. You may stay at one longer than the others and you will start them over again. I did. I had prayer,wonderful friends, and the best kids anyone could ask for. I hope this helps in some small way.
Thank you for saying out loud what I feel. I say or said the same things to myself, and then would feel guilt for saying or thinking those thoughts. I’m in the middle of it, not divorced yet, but he’s moved on to another while still living in our house. He won’t move out, and I won’t either because of our son. The fury I feel is all encompassing. It doesn’t feel as if it will ever end. Your words remind me that I’m not alone, even during the times I feel as if he has everything and I will have nothing. Thanks for reminding me it’s ok to have raw and vitriolic emotions. It helps me get through them, at least one day at a time.
My husband of 35 years (60 years old) moved to his mothers on 8/13/15. Served me with divorce papers on 9/16. He NEVER explained why he did what he did, never gave me the courtesy of an explnantion. I, being a CPA and Financial Analyst, started searching and found evidence of a four+ year affair with an at-first former coworker, then his subordinate. I KNOW this woman, she knows all about me and our life together and she wanted MY LIFE. (I have a timeline of evidence and in Connecticut, adultery is considered in the property settlement) I say things like “well at least, the women in her family die young!” The irony in all of this is that my husband always sarcastically commented that “You have your perfect job, as you like to find things that people did wrong.” Well, never did I think that my skills/ talents would be utilized in uncoverring what he did wrong. The sad thing is that he still will not admit this affair to anyone. He has been that covert during the entire affair. He has a lie for every question asked. I am only guily for having trusted him. My adult sons say things like “I don’t believe it”, when in reality they are having difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that their father IS AN ADULTERER!
Sorry for your pain, I was there too, 4 years ago. There are still times when I think why, being I never got an answer or even an apology, left us, our kids, our home, why leave it all, why not try to stay and rekindle and why her. but God has showed me that my first marriage had to end in.order for my life to start. And I have to say, I am way happier now then I ever was then. Therapy for 3+ years did help in that, and with that I have come to realize it was problems he had, not me, and it started with problems self reflecting, as long as he stays in denia he doesnt hace to facw the faults he has. Now i do sorry for him.and the choices he made those 4 years go means he won’t get to raise his kids full time!
.