Emotionally unavailable men are the type of guys who have a way of charming their way into your heart, your bedroom, and your deepest fears, often taking advantage of your vulnerability and your desire to be a good partner.
He told me he was emotionally unavailable, but honestly, I didn’t know what that meant. He didn’t appear unavailable, we talked about personal issues all the time. Perhaps I picked him because I was unavailable myself.
After all, I was still married, not yet divorced and only looking for a rebound hookup anyway. What did he mean he was unavailable? We didn’t go out; our relationship consisted of day sex and casual conversation on his couch.
How stupid of me to expect so little. His manipulation caused me to become attached quickly, and every time I tried to detach myself, I went through withdrawal and always came running back.
After all, I was an addict, clean and sober for two years after a 15-year cocaine addiction. I was just trading one addiction for another, and he was my new addiction. We even talked about this. He kept me at a distance not even introducing me to his friends and family and sadly there was a part of me that was turned on by being his secret obsession.
He was supposed to be temporary but we had a red-hot connection that couldn’t be denied.
Here’s how you can tell if you are addicted to an emotionally unavailable man.
He is Sexually Fast
He’s anxious to seal the deal. My emotionally unavailable man brought sex up on the first date and had me bedded by the third and then it became his only interest. Nor was he particularly interested in meeting my sexual needs.
He is a Charmer
He knows what to say to keep you interested. Mine was all “baby” and “sweetie” which was just what I needed to hear. Little did I realize it was an easy way not to call me by the wrong name.
He Complains about Past Relationships
My emotionally unavailable man had a messy divorce, but who hasn’t? He called his ex a bitch and worse. His motivation seemed to reinforce that he was not still in love with her, but it made me uncomfortable and I wondered about his judgment in choosing women and what he would say about me.
He Can’t Make an Intimate Connection
Although there is plenty of sex, there is little intimacy and not what I would call love making. This was okay with me for awhile but soon became a deal breaker.
He Doesn’t Know How to Listen
Does he listen to you? More important does he remember what you say? Mine did not. Huge red flag.
He Has a History of Abandoning Others
How does he treat others? Does he abandoned friends for minor indiscretions and never looks back? He will do the same to you.
He is a Perfectionist
Does he bring up your flaws and give you the impression you will never be good enough? Mine casually told me my arms were big. This crushed me to the bone and I worried he would never be satisfied and commit to me. Or would he? If only I was good enough. I hung on in the hope I would measure up, but this was a manipulation and I never did.
He isn’t a Narcissist
This word is thrown around a great deal these days and there are few true narcissists. If his needs always come first without concern for you then you may be involved with an emotionally unavailable man and not a narcissist.
He is Elusive
Is he difficult to pin down? Does he resent questions about his whereabouts and with whom he was with? Does he sometimes “forget” to answer your texts? Mine traveled a great deal, without me of course, which made me resentful and insecure. And there was also an excuse every time I hinted at leaving the house for a change.
In conclusion, I have a new found appreciation for stable, available men who think my arms are just fine and would never mention it if they did not. Maybe he isn’t as good looking but I’ll take slow and steady over crazy and unavailable these days.
So many red-flags for wome to pay attention to, especially bad-mouthing their ex’s. The past is always a predictor of future behavior. In fact, any man should open his phone book and allow you to contact their ex’s to demonstrate they are a nice, normal person.