How To Change Negative Patterns of Thinking After Divorce

One tool I use to keep me focused and clear is a process called The Work by Byron Katie. It is a process of asking oneself four questions about any thought or assumption and then turning the thought around to consider the reverse version of the original thought. The purpose for doing The Work is to question our beliefs on a very deep level so that we learn to eliminate flimsy assumptions and outworn ways of viewing ourselves, others and the world in general. Also, I have found that this exercise can get me out of a funk fairly quickly.

The best way to explain this process is to share some examples of what I might question and then go through the four questions so you see the process.

Assumption: My ex is a stupid idiot. (Not JUST an idiot; a stupid one.)

1st Question—Is it true? Answer: Yes! Absolutely!

2nd Question—Can I absolutely know that this is true? Answer: Actually he is very clever and calculating. But I suppose that’s another set of assumptions to questions at a later time. I stand by my Yes.

3rd Question—How do I react? What happens when I believe this thought? Answer: I feel angry. Plus, if I begin to believe he is really a stupid idiot I am unprepared for the times when he does something clever.

4th Question—Who would I be without that thought? Answer: I would be more on my toes and alert about the fact that he is, indeed, clever. And, yes, I am well aware that the minute I begin to dissolve one assumption I continue to replace it with others. This is why I still need to do these exercises.

Turn the thought around (There are several ways to do this.): My ex is not a stupid idiot. Or… I might, on a deeper level, think I am a stupid idiot. (you can see I need more work on this particular assumption…)

Assumption: Life is hard.

1st Question—Is it true? Answer: Maybe this is only true some of the time and not all of the time. Maybe this is only a temporary feeling and not a truth.

2nd Question—Can I absolutely know that this is true? Answer: I guess not.

3rd Question—How do I react? What happens when I believe this thought? Answer: It’s definitely a depressing thought and feels limiting like it would prevent me from moving forward.

4th Question—Who would I be without this thought? Answer: I would feel happier, for sure. I might see more possibilities and solutions.

Turn the thought around: Life is not hard. Life is easy.

Assumption: Nothing will ever change between me and my ex. It will remain one big yucky mess forever and ever.

1st Question—Is it true? Answer: Sure seems that way.

2nd Question—Can I absolutely know that this is true? Answer: I don’t know. I can’t see it otherwise, but life is strange and you never really know. I wish it could be different.

3rd Question—How do I react? What happens when I believe this thought? Answer: It feels awful and like a big pit I will never climb out of.

4th Question—Who would I be without this thought? Answer: I would feel much better about this one area of my life and wouldn’t be as scared about what he might do next.

Turn the thought around: Things will change between me and my ex. It will not remain one big yucky mess forever and ever. Our relationship will improve.

Assumption: My ex’s animosity will poison the minds of my children and cripple them emotionally for life.

1st Question—Is it true? Answer: Time will tell, but it seems like a possibility.

2nd Question—Can I absolutely know that this is true? Answer: No.

3rd Question—How do I react? What happens when I believe this thought? Answer: I feel sick to my stomach. This thought is terribly sad.

4th Question—Who would I be without this thought? Answer: I would not be burdened by this fear. I might even behave differently around my children if I weren’t worried about this. Not sure.

Turn the thought around: My ex’s animosity will not poison the minds of my children, nor will it cripple them emotionally for life. My ex’s animosity will enlighten the minds of my children and maybe inform them emotionally as they mature and gain perspective as adults starting their own families. Who knows? Also, each child is different and they will most likely have unique reactions to all that has transpired.

So, after doing these, I can tell you that, as usual, The Work, even though I love the tool and DO use it, is challenging and, depending on the day, I might still get a little grumbly having to write out sentences like, “My ex is not a stupid idiot.” Still and yet, I feel the value of having to jump through the hoops of this exercise.

Another perk is I do not fall prey to the thoughts and opinions of others as much as I used to. For example, if my ex told me I was a stupid idiot I would immediately understand that this statement can be turned on its ear. By knowing that a mean accusation from my ex can be parsed out—just like my own statements—makes it easier to look past his mean comments and perhaps get to the key issue sooner.

Try it and see what you think. Just remember that The Work isn’t called work for nothing! It can feel irksome sometimes, but I do get positive results if I make myself do it. The positivity, for me, comes from the very basic tool of recognizing all of my thoughts and statements as question-worthy.

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