Question:
My son who is 5 has severe separation anxiety when he is with his father for the weekend. He is a shy kid who has always taken a lot of comfort in being with his “family” and in his home. So, he is having a hard time adjusting to the idea of having two places to live now that we are divorced.
My ex adores him and tries his best to distract him with fun activities. My son’s anxiety while there has nothing to do with bad treatment so I will continue to send him off to his father’s for visitation. What I need are suggestions of things his father and I can do to help him adjust and relieve his level of anxiety.
Answer:
Some fear of being separated from a parent is normal in young children. Babies and toddlers have moments of tearfulness when a parents leaves. As children grow older and trust develops, these moments will become less frequent.
However, when parents separate, young children often have a temporary increase in separation anxiety. This is due to the many life-changes children are facing during the divorce process of their parents. Divorce causes a temporary loss of trust. What the child believed to be his family unit forever now suddenly becomes fragmented, which causes distress and confusion. Young children are often afraid that, if one parent can leave, the other parents could also ‘leave me’.
It is important that both of you communicate clearly to your son that you will not leave him. He needs to know the divorce is something between his parents and that both of you will continue to be there for him and take care of him.
Young children need regular schedules and a predictable routine and environment to feel safe. Changing routines can cause confusion and distress. Your son seems to be a sensitive child who may need some extra re-assurance to feel safe. It is important to minimize the changes for your son. Both parents should try to keep the same routine as much as possible.
It may help to decorate his room in both houses in a way that he is used to and keeping the same bed time-rituals in both houses. Good communication between you and your ex is important. A note book going back and forth with the child where both of you write important routines is a good way of making sure you are on the same page.
Young children often have a special toy, bear or blanket that makes them feel safe. If your son has such an object, make sure he can take his ‘transitional object’ with him from house to house for his sense of security.
Pre-schoolers don’t have a good sense of time yet. Making it visual to your son when he will be with you and when with his Daddy may relieve his anxiety. For example, draw hearts for the amount of days he is with one of you and each day let him color one heart. This way he will know exactly when it is time to go back to the other parent. The predictability of knowing when he will see you again may reduce his anxiety.
Some children worry about one parent while visiting the other. When you sent your son off to his father for visitation, re-assure him that you will be fine and give him explicit ‘permission’ to enjoy his time with his father. Talking to your son by phone or Skype at a given time each day (before bedtime for example) can help as well. Important is to remember that ongoing conflict between parents makes children feel unsafe.
It seems that you have the best interest of your son in mind and have insight in his needs. I hope these suggestions will assist you in helping your son adjust to the new situation. Children’s book ‘Nina Has Two Houses’ is another helpful resource where you can find more tips on how to help young children cope with divorce. It is important to keep monitoring the anxiety level of your son. In most cases the anxiety will decrease while the child adjusts to the new situation. However, if you see no improvement while following these suggestions, I advice you to consult a child psychologist.
FAQs on Health of Children of Divorce:
Do children cry when leaving one parent for a visit to the other?
Unable to process their emotions over fear of separating from one parent, children do cry when leaving to meet the other parent. This is common among babies and toddlers, who are emotionally vulnerable to older children. Children will ultimately learn to handle these moments with passage of time.
Do children show anxiety when parents separate?
Anxiety over separation of parents is a natural phenomenon as children struggle to make sense out of what they consider the worst time of their lives. Children not only show anxiety when parents separate, they feel lost, angry and stressed as well.
Do children fear losing parents after divorce?
The pre-divorce environment, which is often filled with anger, resentment and frustration, is the most challenging time for children because they fear losing parents after divorce. When one parent leaves the family home after divorce, children fear the other will also abandon them.
Should parents tell children that they will not leave them after divorce?
Parents should make it clear to children that their divorce has got nothing to do with them and their intentions are not to leave them at all. Children should know that divorce doesn’t mean that both their parents will not be there anymore to take care of them.
How to make sensitive children comfortable after divorce?
Both parents should understand that sensitive children are to be taken extra care of during and after divorce. In order to minimize the impact of the change divorce entails, both parents should try to maintain their routine and schedules predictable. It may help to decorate his room in both houses in a way that he is used to and keeping the same bedtime-rituals in both houses.
How to communicate with your ex when dealing with a sensitive child?
Both parents need to understand the nature of their child and work together to maintain his or her comfort. When communicating with your ex about a sensitive child, maintaining a diary during visits can help—as both parents can record important details for each other to keep in mind.
How do I make my child understand the schedule for visits to each parent?
It may become a bit of a challenge to make young children understand the schedule for visits to each parent. Instead of trying to make them understand how a clock works, make them draw hearts for each day they would spend at a parent’s house. Let them color one heart each day to make them understand how many days they need to wait before visiting the other parent.
I was worried about this when I moved out. My exhusband was staying in our home and I moved into an apartment. Sparsely furnished and not really homey. We did a couple of things that seemed to help. The first thing was we drop off, not pick up. When my exhusband takes the kids to my place, it tells them that this is where he wants them to be, licking up seem kind of like dragging them away. Second is that he came in and the kids gave him a tour of their rooms. I recognize that this only works when the parents are civil. The third thing is that there are pictures of the other parent in the kids rooms. In my kids rooms, they have a picture of their dad in one frame and a collage of family pictures in another.
One other thing that my ex did to help me initially, he saved fun activities for the kids to do when they were with me. I don’t have all of the stuff and their best friends don’t live across the street and it’s too easy to get in the habit of spending money to do things or parking infront of the TV. For examople, my daughter got a paint by numbers for her birthday. It would make sense that she do that with her dad, who is pretty good artist, but he had her save it to do with me.
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My 23 month old grandson doesn’t want to go with his dad for weekends. Dad, who lives three hours away, has him the first and third weekend a month. Up until last month he was fine with it and excited to go, but now he screams and hides behind my daughter, and has to be pried away from her. They have never lived as a family, but his dad has always seen him on a regular basis. What is going on?
Your daughter is alienating her ex-husband from her child’s life… the worst type of emotional abuse.
My marriage is probably not going to last much longer. We’ve only been married a couple of years, and have no children. My wife wants to separate temporarily and work toward getting back together.