The reason some of us get a divorce is to break that “forever,” wishing we could go back in time to never marry that person in the first place. I am writing this blog to share my story.
I went through a divorce. I separated and moved 2 states away in 1999. After experiencing a new and better life as a single mother, I realized that we didn’t need that person in our lives. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know I was already divorced officially in 2001 till after 2004.
I have reason to believe that the lawyers were paid to keep this a secret from me.
For 15 years, I lived in shame. I knew that breaking a vow I made was wrong, but why must I have to suffer “forever” with this guilt? Who will want to be with me? Who would want to be with a divorced mother with kids?
The weight of the conviction I carried was so heavy that it affected my relationship with potential mates and I struggled with fitting in with normal married friends. I also felt excommunicated from my church because my religion believes that marriage is an indissoluble union made by God. I was ashamed to even pray to God for what I did to myself and our children.
But eventually, time passed and I needed to forgive myself and, love myself so I could love my children without guilt or shame; even though it had been over a decade since my divorce. I prayed little by little and waited. And that prayer did get answered for me.
In 2013, I reunited with a childhood classmate who advised me to go back to our faith because God is always welcoming regardless of our sins. He also advised me to get an annulment. Gee, I thought “annulments are granted to marriages if they were less than 2 months.” But, I found out that is not the case.
What is an annulment?
An annulment, properly called a “decree of nullity,” is a finding by a Church tribunal that on the day vows were exchanged at least one essential element for a valid marriage was lacking. For example, one of the parties did not intend to be faithful to the other party or approached marriage as merely a temporary bond. A decree of nullity may also be considered on the grounds that one of the parties is incapable of entering into a valid marriage due to fear or coercion, a lack of judgment caused by mental illness or gross immaturity, a psychological disorder or the fact that one of the parties is still validly married to another party.
What is the difference between a divorce and an annulment?
Whereas a civil divorce is concerned with the end of a marriage, a decree of nullity is concerned with the beginning of a marriage. Simply because a separation or divorce has taken place does not mean a decree of nullity can be granted. Civil law grants divorce because the couple cannot or will not continue to remain together. A decree of nullity does not dissolve a marriage. It declares that a specific union, thought to be a marriage by all appearances, did not include, from the beginning, the proper intentions and/or capacities for a valid marriage according to Church teaching and thus was not fully valid.
That is the difference between divorce and annulment. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” -Matthew 19:6
And so I chose a new path. One that was going back to God. Because He has the power more so than any civil court or lawyer in this world. I prayed asking; “Father, you know what a real marriage is suppose to be. I know I was not in one. I want Your opinion and I ask that if You believe the marriage I was in was not a true marriage, then please support my decision and grant this annulment for me.”
After spending $600 and waiting 9 months and with the help of St. Luke’s Catholic Church and the Diocese of Scranton, God has granted me my annulment. It is a FREEDOM one cannot explain until they experience it for themselves. I had a 3rd child who was born into the marriage and who is NOT considered illegitimate. I still receive child support for my child. The only difference is the validity and peace of mind knowing that the marriage I was in was not a marriage in the eyes of the church.
And if I choose to marry in the Catholic Church, I am able to do so. I am now living free from my “divorce is forever jail cell”.
Getting an annulment was the best thing I have ever done. I only wish I’d known about it 15 years ago. In forms that ask me my relationship status, I say “single” and not “divorced.”
I am writing this blog because it is my hope to shed light on other divorced parents out there. Do not believe that “divorce is forever” because annulments will break that rule. Once your annulment is granted, you will feel that you simply dated this person and broke up with them- just like any other previous relationships you’ve had in the past.
If you need help in getting an annulment or have questions or just need positive support, just comment below, tweet.
Charlene lives in the Northeast with her 3 children ages 22, 19 and 12. The youngest born in 2001 is the biological daughter of the man she married in 1995, separated in 1999 and divorced in 2001.
I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. My childhood best friend’s parent divorced after 20 years and 4 kids. 10 years later the Dad met someonne and wanted to (re)marry, in the Catholic church and petitioned for an annulment . Mom will never remarry as it would kill off her alimony. The church granted it and mom hasn’t set foot in a Catholic church since. Mom and kids were pissed because they see it as denying that they were ever married.
I guess I can see both sides. I’ve never been a devout Catholic – but I would never consider an annulment. I agree with XdeRubicon – it would feel like I was denying the marriage had ever taken place, and declaring the two beautiful children I had as a result were a mistake. That’s not the way I feel. Sure – I took a different path to get there – but I will never deny I took that path. I married – I divorced. And that’s it.
@Liv BySurprise I understand. But for me it was totally different. When I married this man, I had children from an absentee boyfriend whom I never married. The man I did marry never was a father to my children and his mother also told me that she didn’t accept my children. Can you believe they were only under 3 years old? My innocent kids. I told him that because of what his mother said, I didn’t want to marry him but he kept insisting that things will work out. Nope they never did. Me and my children never felt he was a father. As my oldest child got older, she got upset because she would read how Michael Jackson adopted children and he loves them to death. She never experienced that fatherly love from this man I married. He is only a father to his own flesh and blood. Thus I am truly happy I got the annulment. Not just for me but for my children as well. My children are part of me and I just believe that if a man truly wants to marry a woman who has children, he must accept her children too.
i am living in paris my age 48 YEARS I AM MUSLIM I WANT MARIGE IN TURKEY MY CONTACT NO 0033758405095
I wish I could get an annulment. I am Christian and legally it was impossible. I was only married 6 months, no children (thank God) or assets together, but I found out that he had been cheating on me since even BEFORE the marriage with several different women. I made those vows on a church alter under total fraud. He denied this in court and I had no proof. He also lied about his mental health and I could not prove that either. Because I had no proof and could not afford the money to subpoena the proof, I had to settle for a divorce. It really is not fair at all. I deserve a legal annulment but I was not allowed one.
@ Betsabr I understand how you feel but I suggest to keep trying. I would ask a similar church with similar denomination views. Good luck and blessings.
Here is a thought. Control YOU, and nothing else. If you were incapacitated because you werent in your right mind, prescription drugs, etc. no one can say that you had capacity. Only you can say you didnt have capacity, and there fore, couldnt consent to the contract of marriage. With this defense however, time is of the essence in most jurisdictions. Usually you have 90 days, in some places you have 1 year, and in Jamaica its 2 years. You cant control HIS capacity, he can just testify that he was fine. Burden of proof is on you, so you can get proof on yourself a lot easier than getting proof on someone else. I know the whole annulment thing really really sucks. You basically have to get cooperation of the person that duped you, which is highly implausible, given their lack of character.
I am just now reading this passage, 4 years after it was published. My divorce is almost finalized. I wish I could also get an annulment.
@Meg. From the author.
If you still wish to get an annulment, even after reading this passage, 4 years after it was published with your divorce almost finalized, then go and get your annulment. Divorce and annulment are 2 separate things. I was divorced for 13 years and then got an annulment after learning that it’s still possible to get one. I feel so liberated after getting an annulment. I never felt I was in a true marriage. And getting an annulment proved that. And because of my annulment, I don’t ever have to check off the status “divorce”. I check off “single”. I LOVE IT!
Meg, it’s never too late to get an annulment whether you’re newly divorced or over a decade long divorce. Prayers and Blessings, Charlene
The Divorce killed me so I can’t believe I’d even entertain this but after giving over a decade of my life to him and his kids (he’d been divorced) …and gave, gave, gave and gave….I held out another 2 more years after the honeymoon stupidly thinking he’d become the husband he promised to be. We never even lived under the same roof. I was patient to a fault and felt used. He now calls ours a “2nd marriage”but I feel so angry when he says that because he never was a husband to me. I never saw him more than twice a week…He filed because I wouldnt …even with as bad as it was. You said you only spent $600 to do this? Where/who do I go to for this? Thanks in advance for your help. Cia
PS…Like Betsabr….I am a Christian. Our vows, at least mine were done with great sincerity to God so this has been most painful. Do you have any advice?
@Cia wrote- “You said you only spent $600 to do this? Where/who do I go to for this?”
I am sorry to read of your divorce. Yes, I went to St. Luke’s Catholic Church in Stroudsburg, PA who is under the Diocese of Scranton. I also priced the New York Dioceses because I’ve read that I could probably get annulled faster but got quotes like $1000. In the end, I decided that the Diocese closer to home was a better deal for me.
@Cia wrote- “PS…Like Betsabr….I am a Christian. Our vows, at least mine were done with great sincerity to God so this has been most painful. Do you have any advice?”
I suggest you go to the business/person/church who granted the marriage for the annulment. I got married in a Catholic Church in New York so I decided to also seek an annulment from also a Catholic Church. I just finished writing “ANNULMENT TIPS FROM THE AUTHOR”. It is pending approval. Good luck to you!
Yes, I totally agree with you regarding how lawyers and their services are severely compromised for the sake of money. Its astounding the amount of bad and just flat our wrong legal advice I was given about my annulment. I was paying for this horrible advice too, and what it comes down to is, a lot of times, lawyers dont make the distinction between what can be done, and what they are willing to do. Instead of simply saying, “I dont do that” they give you horrible advice and say it cant be done. In doing my own legal work, I have come to find out that there are alot of ways things can be done.
I got really really lucky, as I started to research things on my own and leave the lawyers out of it. In my jurisdiction. you can get an annulment at any time, as long as the marriage meets the grounds of being void, and it did. But the lawyers were saying all types of horrible things that werent true, like if you have children, you cant get an annulment, etc.
The thing with annulments, legally, is that you need a TRIAL and a litigation attorney to PROVE that the putative spouse did what they did which is really expensive, vs a divorce, that doesnt require proof. Additionally, since my spouse had a criminal past, time and safety was of the essence in me getting away from him, and legally too. Dealing iwth someone so duplicitous as to have a fraudulent marriage, safe to say, wasnt going to go well, during the annulment.
I did what you did. I got a speedy divorce, in comparison, and later on, got the annulment, when I had time to do some digging for proof.
@Lisa569 great comment, thank you so much for sharing your experience here. 🙂
@lisa569 you shared you had children……did the annulment change the custody order. I married at 25; moved out of the home about 30days later and he served me with divorce papers before the 2mth mark. We have now been divorced but I cant help but think my lawyer lied when telling me I couldn’t get an annulment due to my child. Does anyone know will getting an annulment at 6yrs of divorce will affect child custody??
Annulment nullifies the marriage, it doesn’t impact child custody.
I have been divorced for 3yrs now and seperated for 7yrs. I finally found a man who loves me unconditionally. What are the steps in getting an annulment after divorce. He is active in the church and never been married before. I want a fresh start.
I would love to get an annulment, we were technically married for 10 months but after he left me he never came back so I filled the paper work and he paid for it, I should have gotten an annulment years ago. I’m going to work on getting one I am a Christian and it would be a burden off my back because I have felt so ostracized. I was around 25 or 26 and 2009 in December or so move from California to Arizona I’ve been in the medical field for about 10 years and then it about 2012 is when I got the divorce it’s been difficult and I went through a hard journey but I didn’t have kids thank God even the kids are a blessing thank you for all the advice.
My situation is different. I have recently been asked for an annulment from my ex husband of 20 years. We are both in our 70’s. We were married for 23 years & separated for 10 years before getting divorced. He has been remarried & in his third marriage for the past 10 years & has another child.
How will this affect me legally? Do I have to agree to it? After ALL these years will I Have to go back to my maiden name? Will alimony stop? What about social security? Mine was not a good marriage & I’m happy to be out of it But for me having the marriage “annulled” may create many more problems.
Do you have any advice for me?
Thank you in advance.
Can I annul legally after divorce? Honeymoon he told me he wasn’t aroused by me and that sex would not be a part of our marriage. Then so many lies 2 years I figured out he was here with stolen identity. The man I thought I married was all a lie…his name, background, religion, everything. I stayed for over 10 years because we had formed a blended family and I did not want to hurt his son or my daughter. He got increasingly cruel over the years to the point that at the end I felt emotionally/physically abandoned. When I was hospitalized and when I was recovering from surgery he didn’t come home from out of town. I needed help and he told me I was “So f’ing helpless it was pathetic”. He modeled such disrespect toward me that his son who I was trying to raise/love like my own was treating me awful. I felt broken. This certainly was NOT a marriage. I stood at the altar w/ a pure heart, meant every vow and he spoke lies, deceit and conned me. After we hit the 10 year mark he didn’t even pretend to care anymore. I divorced him. Now…about 1 and a half years later as I am slowly healing and gaining clarity and realize I was used. He never loved me. This was never a “marriage” it was a con-job. Is it possible to get this marriage legally annulled even though we are divorced? For one…I feel that would be justice and I also don’t feel he deserves to draw my SS benefits on fraudulent ID.
Hi please help me. I got divorced last 2017 but I needed to an annulment. May I know where to reach you? Thank you!
I was married and divorced; however, I found out that my ex-husband was married when we got married. Can I go through the courts to have that marriage annulled?