I have two lovers and I long for a third.

I married my high school sweetheart, my first love, my first sexual experience. We divorced with 2 young children and I moved into the dating world with limited experience. I knew that my biggest mistake would be falling into a rebound relationship out of loneliness. Having been with someone for my entire adult life and most of my adolescence, I repelled any idea of a relationship and I went on to explore the fun, sexy side of being a woman that most got out of their system early. I was a late bloomer.

I have two lovers and I long for a third.

Sounds greedy, I know, but it wasn’t always this way.

I became an explorer. I was building my sexual confidence and discovering what I loved and what made me feel alive. But as time passed, given the casual nature, the ephemeral transience of each lover grew old.

Not wanting another marriage, I met the man of my dreams, the love of my life. We started as casual lovers but became friends. He was my inspiration, my champion. We fell madly in love and crazy in lust. I thrived as a person but more so as a woman, thriving with great friendship, growing love and a mind blowing sexual connection. But alas, our time together came to a painful end.

I mourned him. My face aged from the tears. My body weakened from the stress. I lost hope when he said his love and attraction for me was in the past, crumbling my already broken heart, my self-confidence in tatters. A part of me died.

I tried to date but it’s hard to do when your confidence is shattered. After a failed rebound relationship, I took a self-imposed “man-cation” – a vacation from men.

Sex toys can only go so far. They are great for 3 am wake-ups when you’re alone and need that relief but they cannot replace the touch of a man. I fantasized about my ex-love and his name escaped my lips as I found that relief in a battery operated boyfriend.

Time passed and a former colleague, 13 years my junior, returned to my life and after too much wine and a lot of laughter, we ended up in bed. After months of celibacy, the release that came from being looked at as a sexy woman was a welcome relief. Granted, it was casual; more mechanical, less intimate. He is young and fun, capable of delivering pleasure but he too would be temporary as he is seeking a girlfriend. I am not the woman for him.

But, in finding this lover, I lost the pale parlour of sadness that shaded my face, the clouds of darkness that suffocated my heart, and I once again thrived. My reflection in the mirror was a glowing, sexy woman with a twinkle in her eye and thought “What was I waiting for? Sex is awesome. Why was I holding back?”

My young lover is also ephemeral so I sought another. I reconnected with a former lover, this one 6 years my senior, and the connection once reestablished was palpable. He is more tender in his touch than my young friend, the intimacy level slightly stronger. He makes me laugh and feel like a sexy, beautiful, desired woman under his gaze. He wants to pleasure me so that I look at him with desire and he too feels that gush of life coursing through his veins. He takes it to another level but when he leaves at the end of the night, I find myself yearning for more.

It was fate that my ex-Love and I recently spent an evening together. Dinner and a movie was payment for a favour he was doing for me. I was awkward, unsure how to approach him as a platonic friend that he no longer felt attraction or love for. Our evening went beautifully and I could tell that his attraction and affection for me was still present. We fell into our comfort level and ended the night in bed, in classic form with the perfect blend of carnal fucking and sweet love making. We cuddled afterwards and I could feel the glow emanating from my body. I was at peace. This was the intimacy I missed.

We kid ourselves that we could be just friends when the truth is, when we are together, what we really want is to be close to each other, be held in each others arms , be touched and held and kissed. It’s natural for him and I to be naked in each other’s arms, sharing pleasure. We can enjoy a glass of wine, as we are friends, sure, but what we really need is for our mouths to be somewhere on each other. We have that natural chemistry, that passion that cannot be replicated. We have deep rooted friendship and love which takes it to another height unfound with new lovers. We have the comfort, the trust, the history and we have the pain that we felt in saying goodbye, yet here were are again. Thankfully we are friends, but what we really want to do is ravage each other until we are sated and spent. The playfulness and intimacy, as much as the lust, is as addictive as any intoxicating drug. It’s true intimacy and the joy that comes from that and it will never go away.

I want that with him again. I want him as another lover. No one person can be everything to somebody but we should give each other that. It’s a gift. We live other lives now, we cannot be exclusive but what we have should not be denied.

Some may call it greedy. I call it survival of my womanhood. I crave the testosterone of a man, the depth of his voice, the rough touch of his strong hands, the manhandling and strong arms, the thrusting and the sounds he makes, the scent of him, the feeling of his skin and big, strong body against mine, his socks on the floor, my bra on the lamp, us , sore, sweaty and exhausted. It makes me feel alive. For those private moments that I can lock the rest of the world outside, I am just a woman, a strong, beautiful, sexy woman, reserved for the arms of my two lovers. I put on my makeup and my favourite lingerie and high heels and I glow with excitement.  I will continue to explore but I will also continue to long for him as well.

I am smart. I am successful. I am sexy. I am strong. I am alive and I will no longer hold back. Sex is wonderful, now for me as pleasure and fun. The health benefits notwithstanding, it can do wonders for your confidence and femininity when shared with the right partner. Two lovers – or more – is not for everyone, but for those of us out there trying to have some fun after heartbreak, it’s a natural tonic. Don’t hold back.