I married for the first time in 1984, six months after my high school graduation ceremony. I was only 18 years old and no, I was not pregnant. I had just lost my best friend to a car crash and I was afraid of losing the one person I loved. It was a huge mistake.
My dad’s hopes and dreams were to have me go to college. In fact I was awarded a scholarship to a great college for law. When my friend passed I just felt lost and didn’t think I could go through college alone. I also had never lived away from mommy and daddy. I never had my own checking account or had any responsibility as an adult. The only responsibility I had was to make certain my 1976 Rally Sport Camaro car payment of $46.00 was paid on time at our local bank.
The man I married was 4 years older than myself. He was 21 and I was 17. He had already graduated from the same high school, went to boot camp for the Army and held a full time job. While he did still live at home with his parents, he was on his own. Our wedding was the full blown 500 people Catholic Polish wedding. I was a virgin when I met my new husband – he was my first and he was very proud of that and equally proud to walk down the aisle in my white dress.
Our marriage started to fall apart shortly after the wedding. I had never been on my own before and had no idea how to take care of a household. Within a few months I was pregnant with our first child. I had just turned 19 and was working as a nurse’s assistant at a nursing home. I lifted a patient and started spotting and I knew this was dangerous. I told my husband I could no longer work and he was not happy. We were not poor but needed two incomes to keep us afloat.
I went back to work shortly after my daughter was born. I landed a job at a National Insurance agency as a biller. The pay was wonderful and I was able to carpool with a family who also worked there that lived in our town. I worked day shift and my husband started working third shift at his factory job. We barely saw each other and we were like ships passing in the night. I was such a young mother and had horrible time between the baby’s crying and working – my nerves were shot. My mom came over to our house to help me out and when she didn’t I was always over at her house. I could not disconnect the child I still was.
Our second daughter was born 3 1/2 years later. Here I was two children and under the age of 25 while most of my friends were just getting married or single. I saw the lives they had and wanted that too. I never got to attend college or hang out late at night with my friends. It was my choice to get married and be a mother, and I thought that’s what I wanted, but inside I was dying of depression. I wanted a life, I wanted something else. I wanted away from this man who I felt had his finger on my life and was denying me the happiness I so needed.
The state of our marriage wasn’t my husband’s fault – he basically had to raise me into adulthood. But as I grew and became more independent I had the perception (which was totally wrong) that he never listened to me. I started telling him I was unhappy, while he was trying everything he could to hold us together. In 1993 I told him we were done, that I wanted out. I was attending college to be a nurse and saw a path to my new life. He cried and went to all my friends to get me back. I kicked him in the heart and said no.
It took me several years to approach him after we had both remarried and moved on. I apologized to him for my lack of maturity and the life I took away from him. I am sure he is grateful we didn’t remain together, however he didn’t deserve the pain I caused. I am glad now we are friends, parents – and now grandparents.
Looking back, I have no regrets marrying him, I just think I should have waited. He told me when I left no one would ever love me like he did – and a part of me believes even today that might be true.
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Thank you for posting this. I am on a similar path in life. You really strummed a heart string when I read that your husband basically raised you into adulthood because mine did the same for me and I can’t put into words how immature I really was for our entire 10 year marriage. Life alone is hard and I have found a way to use my youth as a wonderful parenting tool. However, I really wish that I had waited until my current age to start my family. My ex husband and I have a healthy co-parenting relationship – while he is working on his second family. As for my post marriage life; I attend University and am building my own career (which I regret not doing while I was married). I have 3 amazing children which now utilize the benefits of two loving homes.
Vanessa,
Your very welcome. Being able to tell my story has been my healing process. I felt in that marriage we were not having a healthy relationship just to stay for the kids. In fact I have raised three wonderful daughters and they have two of my grandbabies. I have no regrets, just wish I would have ended it nicer for him. He sure didn’t deserve the pain I caused for the split but I think like I said we both realize now it was best for us to raise the kids apart. Life alone is hard, I am doing it again after my last marriage just failed. I decided to not date or get into another relationship and that’s been two years. I have lonely days, sure, but my dog and my kids help wipe that away. I am better off alone at this point then dealing with the hurt.
You sound like you are on the right path. Keep doing what you are doing, for you. It will all be worth it in the end and your kids will see you and your ex in a whole new light. You don’t love each other but you will respect each other and that will show through. Good luck.