When we live lives for duty, or obligation, fear of judgment, we are not living authentically, we are not living ‘freely’ and we lose ourselves.
What I’m about to share is only a small part of my story. We all have a story to tell and can learn so much from other’s stories. My heart is to challenge, encourage and hopefully ‘hit’ the mark with someone out there…. to impart some hope.
It can be an excruciating ride but I think most women have learned through various cultural influences to undervalue their own personal truth, their worth. I discovered the true fullness of this going through my separation.
I had been married to my partner for 19 years and realized early on I didn’t love him in the way I noticed others did their partners.
There was a lack of passion, chemistry, attraction. I realized I loved him as a person, a friend but not a romantic interest. The interesting thing with us was that there wasn’t a lot of fighting or bickering, we got on really well BUT we didn’t have that ‘charge’, the aliveness that comes from connection and intimacy, in our relationship.
Sex was a duty, nothing more. Being brought up in a Christian home and having strong Christian values at the time, I never envisaged during those 19 years ever experiencing anything more because of this foundational belief of ‘you only marry once’. I remember very early on crying out to God for help when I realised I wasn’t ‘in love’ with my husband, I mean having to sleep with him was awful, I would literally just focus on my own bodily sensations and other times I would be screaming on the inside for him to get off me.
But I remember vividly the process of the deep crying out, then coming to a place of acceptance and very quickly consciously burying the truth of my feelings deep within. So from that early moment on I just chose to love him the best way I knew how. I was supportive, respectful and just tried to be the best wife I could be.
I should have known before I married him, I never liked kissing him and even he noticed I would move away sometimes if he put his arms around me. A red flag or what!
I had struggled with understanding myself in those early years before we married.
I had such residual identity issues from traumatic teenage years and I cannot understand what was going through my mind between the ages of 18-22, our dating years. What was I thinking!!!! I know I had a very sheltered life and in that, I was probably quite immature but in the end, I’ve really had to accept the reality of this. I can’t change the past.
During our early marriage, if I ever had any kind of thought about him being unattractive or times where I just didn’t feel respect for him, I very quickly buried the thought. I think because the idea of being stuck in this situation for life was too much to bear so I buried it and just ‘got on with it’. I think women are really good at this! We will ‘bear’ and absorb a lot of negative thoughts and emotions rather than act on them because we choose to put others first.
Women would rather absorb our own pain than hurt others.
Whilst this can carry the ‘appearance’ of honor or something admirable, I came to really judge this notion, this mindset in terms of my own worth. Having a strong faith at the time I really felt God showed me that He wasn’t happy with my marriage, it didn’t please him to see a marriage, a relationship this way. This was the first step for me. After being bought up in the church I had deep conditioning, a fear-based grip on me in regards to choices about marriage and possibly divorce. It was seriously frowned upon and it is amazing how the most liberal Christians when it comes to the subject of ‘Divorce’ or even separation can have such a fierce reaction.
But this didn’t translate to how I felt God cared for me or how I had come to think how God thought of me. So I was in this process, this toing and froing from what I had now seen and felt as a new truth, opposing what my own values had been for so many years. I would uphold those values with such pride, judgment and indignation at times.
There was an inner battle raging with myself but also being very much aware of the thoughts of those around me.
Despite this, I chose to tell my husband the truth, I felt I had to. It was as though something in me had suddenly woken up and I could no longer keep on living the lie. It’s amazing how we think that living unauthentically and lying to someone is somehow more acceptable and right. But if telling the truth conflicts with a religious principle then we won’t allow that truth to rise.
Somehow, from that position of my new found conviction I just barely had the strength to tell him. I really just had to focus on telling him, just getting through that. The fear of being confronted with his reaction, hurting him that way and the fear of his family’s reaction, which dare I say in the end was worse than my own family’s reaction was strong. Joining that with the inbuilt fears of life-long held mindsets and personal fears of what would my life become now; all became a jumbled, aching mess within.
So I did just focus on speaking the words out, with my heart pounding so heavy and fast. I had never said an unkind word to him during our relationship, I would never have said anything hurtful to him. I’m just not like that, tempered and careful before speaking. The anxiety was immense. With all the strength I could muster and conviction of heart I told him and yes it was heartwrenching, he was confused and then angry and so hurt.
I did hope for a miracle in my own heart in the next few months that followed, as we remained living under the same roof albeit sleeping in separate rooms. I opened my heart for something to change. But nothing had changed for 19 years and nothing was going to change. In the process of finally acknowledging the truth of how I really felt to myself and then to vocalise that out loud to him, it was like the full scope of the truth of it enveloped me. There was certainly no going back!.
Not unusually, I did carry, beyond all that, a deep sense of guilt for what I had done to my family as we had two young children at the time. But I was ‘speaking my truth’, living truthfully has to be one of the hardest things to do but despite that, I believe in my own worth as a human being and as a creation of God. I deserve to be happy and experience joy and pleasure in all that life can offer and so did my husband. He deserved to be loved and adored, I wanted this for him too.
As time went on my husband said he could no longer live with me and he wanted to move out since nothing had changed in my heart towards him. I understood where he was coming from and couldn’t blame him at all. It was so difficult, not knowing at that stage what would happen. The future looked bleak, I hadn’t worked in years, no degree to fall back on so I had no idea how to be a single woman financially, or in any way.
We had known each other and started dated at 18, there hadn’t been anyone else. But day by day I dealt with what I had to deal with just for that day. I got a place of my own with my two children and my ex-husband moved into a separate house on his own but not too far away so he could visit the children regularly. Slowly, bit by bit I learned to find my own joy, spending time with friends, going out socially (something I never did, we lived a very boring life). I started to enjoy and crave the vibe and energies of having many people around me.
This whole experience opened my mind up, enlarged me in ways that I don’t believe would ever have happened if I had continued on in that life.
I eventually met someone and am now married again. My new husband answered those deep heart desires of how I wanted to and needed to be loved, he fulfilled me. It wasn’t my ex- husband’s fault, he didn’t know any better but he just didn’t know how to ‘love’ me the way I needed. I didn’t feel that sense of safety, trust, and protection that I feel now.
So, here I am, life can certainly throw up some trials but learning to live from our true identity in who we are, is something we should be fighting for, for ourselves and all women.
When we live lives for duty, or obligation, fear of judgment, we are not living authentically, we are not living ‘freely’ and we lose ourselves. I lost myself over those 19 years, laying my life down in a sense for the sake of others, for the upholding of a belief system. But at what cost?
Aren’t we worth more than that?
That’s the big question for a lot of women I think. To sit down with their own mind, their own feelings and get to the center of their truer selves, what is that inner voice really saying? It sometimes takes the trial, the suffering, the pain to knock us down but out of which, once surrendered, we can rise again in our new found identity.
All the richer for the experience, we are re-framed, re-built with a stronger foundation. In this place, we find ourselves again; new and refreshed with a sense of ‘aliveness’, able to truly give to the world around us with a greater sense of empathy and compassion than we had before. We become living stories; exuding life, hope, possibility, joy. We are worth it women! So….. go on and share the story.
I don’t know what to say. I can understand what are facing, but it’s hard to give an advice. I think that you need time to see your relationship. Hope that every thing go well.
My situation is almost exactly the same, children and all. I came upon your story when I Googled “staying in marriage out of duty”. It is hard to make my family understand, especially my mom who lived in a lonely loveless marriage until my stepfather passed away a few years ago. Even knowing this she still encourages me to stay with my husband. I am so happy to see that you have moved on from that and found real happiness. Can i ask you how the children fared, as that is my main concern? Thank you for your time.
Hi Dayna, Sorry for taking so long to reply, I’m currently away. But thank you so much or your response. It’s nice to know my article may help just one person, it’s a wonderful thing. It really is all so difficult isn’t it, we are complex beings and our lives too can bear so many marks of suffering as well as all the wonderful things. I ended up writing a short ebook which more fully explains my story. I mention in it, one possible reason why some people such as your mom, who have been so unhappy in their marriage themselves yet find it very difficult to be understanding. You’d think that because they understand or have been through similar that they would be more supportive but as with you it’s not always the case and it’s so difficult and hurtful when a parent particularly is not understanding or supportive I think. The hardest thing can be to live out ‘our’ truth, our lives according to our own conscience. Either way, we can’t be ignorant of the fact that there will be consequences, no matter which path we take. But living truthfully I believe is the better way. It’s difficult as women to put ourselves first. But I encourage you to seek freedom, women are braver than we realise.
You asked about my children, my children have fared well. Now 20 yrs and 17 yrs. I think though is very much due to the fact that their father and I have been able to remain friends and even attended events together such as birthdays or school graduation for example. Their father was very gracious and honorable in it all and I honestly believe that if two parents can remain civil enough to be able to be in each other’s presence for the sake of the children it really helps settle them, they know ‘every thing is ok’. It takes time, depending on their age. My son was devastated at the beginning, but again having regular visitations by dad at the time and him not living too far away all helped and he adjusted very quickly. But I know other situations where the father has left after ten years in a miserable marriage and the children suffered alot, because the mother wouldn’t allow the father to visit cause of her own pain, particularly at the beginning of the separation, which is crucial. Though in saying that they did survive and as young adults they’re doing well.. Every child is different and you can’t predict fully how they will adjust. But with mine, they ‘get it’ all the more as time has gone on and as they’ve matured they understand more. I think too being open with them, children do not respond well to too much secrecy. they know when something is going on. I think it’s better to be able to talk to the children, of course being age appropriate in conversation. But children feel better when things are explained to them. Also either party not speaking negatively about the other with the children too. I would say number 1 thing is that both parents have access to the children as much as is required. Two parents that can remain civil and understanding make all the difference. The good night routines for eg are treasures and those small things to children when taken away abruptly can be traumatic. I’m not sure how old your children are or what your family dynamics are.
Please feel free to email me any time. I hope so much for you and wish you all freedom, rest, peace in the knowledge of the ‘light’ you gain and move in. If you’re interested in reading my short ebook, It’s called “Letting Go ‘for Life”.
I am getting the same from my family. They do not support me. I feel stuck.
Hi Danielle. I feel for you. It can be quite a sad, heavy thing to carry. I just recently read or heard a quote which said that even when you don’t move, it’s still making a decision. We think that if we don’t act or take a particular road that it is an inaction. But it’s still a choice, it is actually a road we’ve taken. If you get my meaning. I think sometimes in the ‘stuck’ mode, the inaction of it is what brings the heaviness. It’s an incredibly brave thing to go against family or what they deem as being right, for the sake of our own self health. I hope you can find a way forward whether it’s through the courage of taking a step in a direction even if it may mean not getting the support from your family but living your truth or remaining where you are at. If you deem that is right. Sometimes we need to accept our choice may bring with it dissatisfaction to others. It’s in our non acceptance that often our suffering comes. Our fear of other’s thoughts causes us to remain still and stagnate but if we can find a way to own our truth, truly sit with it and accept it and all the consequences we find a joy in our path nevertheless. Either way there is still suffering, not owning our truth and doing, based on others opinion causes us suffering but often our suffering comes with our non acceptance and our non willingness to accept there is sometimes pain, in whatever form that takes. Blessings Danielle
Thank you so much for this. I just made this decision last night but it is not the first time I’ve discussed it with my husband. It is really scary but I don’t want to stay married because I’m scared. I’m just really sad it did not work. We would celebrate our 4th year anniversary in May.
Hi Sassy, I take my hat off to you for stepping out in truth of who you are. It is really scary…. I know…. And decisions like this are never easy they just aren’t, it’s the nature of it. But I think it’s so good that you realised that you couldn’t just stay either because of your fear. You’re making a decision to not live that way cause you know in any area of life living out of a fear base is not your highest good. One thing I encourage you to do if you don’t mind, something I have learned more-so over last few years is to accept things as they are. It’s our fighting of reality that causes a lot of our suffering, not wanting to face the discomfort or pain just creates more pain. I’ve found that really sitting with my discomfort e.g. ” I understand this is going to be difficult or is difficult”, or “yes I am in pain, I accept this”. This is acknowledging what is instead of trying to face away from it. Breakups are difficult, it’s a fact. Every time I start to feel that deep sadness about anything I sit with it, allow it to be there and say that to myself. I find it dissipates a lot more quickly than trying to push it down or do things to hide it or cover it up. So thank you for responding to my article. My heart goes out to all the women who sacrifice themselves away for others and don’t live out their truth. I wish you all happiness, joy and contentment in the coming time. In light…
I am 4 years separated from my husband and I am heartbroken to move forward without him. We cry so much together because we just don’t want it to be true. Im stuck and in limbo. We both feel we are pulling in different directions but are hanging on tightly even though we both know the end is drawing near. The thought of never kissing him again or receiving his hugs eats away at me. How could something that feels so right also feel so wrong. My marriage was exactly how you describe it and I wasn’t feeling my soul fulfilled for who I was and who I was becoming. Him too as he hid some parts of himself that I did not learn about until after marriage. We are both in such disbelief that we are ending up here and both fear making a mistake and wanting answers that neither of us knows for sure. Thankfully we have not had children but also it’s a loss as I near 34 I can only hope I still have time to try. I wish someone could see my life and nudge me in the right direction because my mind changes everyday. Some days I think we can grow into each other as we evolve and others I am forced to recognize how much we are on different pages. Thank you for the article. It resonates with me as I can recognize myself in it but it feels like nothing is as ever strong enough or evident enough to give me the surety I so desperately seek.
I too am married and it’s becoming very clear after 9 years together, 8 years of marriage that I want out, but feel trapped with obligation. I was a single parent for 13 years. I met him, he was quiet and kind. He had no friends, an introvert and new to town. He accepted my child and would protect our lives with his. He promised he’d find friends, after he got comfortable that he’d talk more. I was attracted to the affection he showed me and the confidence he made me feel because he loved me unconditionally. Sex was satisfying because he so into me, but it was also very boring. I was constantly having to direct every session as if everytime was the first time. His only mode is soft, gentle and I wanted more, at least some variety. I married him and was deeply in love with him. 4-5 years in, he has no friends (aside from mine), he barely says 50 words a day. Even when people are around, he’s virtually silent. I’ve become very resentful of him. He embarrassed me by acting like a wallflower at every event. We don’t dance at weddings, we don’t have inside jokes, no banter, we don’t dress up on Halloween, we don’t go out for New Years. I’ve been telling him all of this. I’ve been virtually begging him for years to be more affectionate with me like in our early days. We don’t fight, we don’t yell. If I say nothing, he believes we’re fine. If he had his way, he’d go to work and watch sports or crime shows all day. He has no hobbies, brings nothing to conversations. In fact I do almost100% of the speaking. Sometimes I ask questions and he takes so long to respond to basic questions (truly 3-4 min) that I have to follow up with “so no response?” He’ll often say “I’m thinking” yet gives me no indication that it’s an ongoing conversation. Literal silence, no response for minutes on end. I’ve started telling him a couple years ago that I can’t live like this. He keeps promise that he’ll work on it, but now after no working on it, no action, I cannot believe him. He’s a people pleaser and jumps at the opportunity to show people he’s a hard worker and that he’s dependable, but when it comes to me, nothing. He tells me he wants to stay married and wants us to be happy. Imagine that everytime you have any interaction with your space, the only response you ever get is “I love you” or “I don’t know.” I can’t go to him for advice, he is very naive. I almost feel like he wants a mom and it a wife. We are no longer having sex. It’s been several months and we’ve only had sex 3 times over the last year. He wants to lead a life of an elderly man just sitting and watching tv and waiting to die. This is not how I met him. He was a runner, said he wanted to go camping (we’ve never done that), wanted to have adventures and it wasn’t real. I feel like the lights are fading. My son is an adult and has moved to the other side of the state after college. I feel trapped and aging faster than I should. I have goals, but feel like I can’t plan. I have a lot of friends. We lead completely different lives. I feel guilty because everyone loves him. I often ask people why they like him and they say he’s nice. Actually he is nice, but how would they know? He doesn’t speak. He’s just around like a silent supporting character. I often describe our marriage as the silent movie. I don’t know what to do.
I know you wrote this a long time ago, but wondering how you are doing? if things have changed? This also sounds like my life and my spouse. We recently realized he may be on the spectrum which explains his behavior, quirks, introvertedness and general inability to connect on any emotional level at all. I have finally found the courage to leave, after 23 years of marriage, and sacrificing myself, my finances, to someone who showed through his actions (opposite his words) that he does not want to put in the effort to be with me. My light can no longer be dimmed. I would love to hear how you are doing.
Hi. Thank you i am doing really well. I dont remember everything I said in that article but in answer to your question I am very happy. Im in a wonderful relationship. Enjoying life. My ex husband found a woman that adores him and he married her and they are very happy. And Im very happy for him. We all deserve to be loved well!!
Are these major differences you are having? There are a lot of marriages who thrive despite differences, I also feel that your connection is very deep if you feel such a strong connection.