By Gordon Tredgold for Good Men Project
Despite a difficult divorce, this dad vowed to be in his kids’ lives no matter what. Here’s how he fulfilled that promise.
As I received the touching Father’s Day messages this weekend from my three children, I was reminded of a friend of mine who told me that he never received them from his children, because of his divorce.
I am also pretty sure for some women it feels their men become the same.
I’ve met a lot of fathers who are divorced and there are many who tell me that divorce has ruined their relationship with their children. That they are no longer close, or that they no longer see or speak with their children.
They blame divorce for having made them bad fathers and for the lack of any relationship with their children.
But this is something that I just don’t accept because we define our relationships with our children through how we act, treat and support them. It’s not divorce that makes us bad fathers, it’s how we react to it and how we interact with our children.
Now, I know and accept that in some divorces our estranged partners can become psychos, and I am also pretty sure for some women it feels their men become the same. But, unless there are court orders blocking out interaction, we still have the opportunities to build healthy relationships.
I left my wife when my children were only 6, 3 and 6-month-old respectively. As I left for another woman, it wasn’t the smoothest of break-ups and my ex did look to make things difficult.
But I resolved that I had left her, and although I didn’t love her anymore, I did love my children. And, that whilst I would no longer live with them, I was still going to be the best dad that I could be.
I needed a plan of action to ensure that I had the best relationship possible with my children and I came up with these five simple principles that I looked to live by.
- I was going to see them as much as I could.
- Support them financially and not play games over money.
- Make them feel loved by me.
- Let them see that while I had left their mother, it had nothing to do with them.
- Be there for them when they needed me.
Has it been easy to do all those things? No, it hasn’t.
Sometimes my ex made things difficult. Sometimes my new partner made things difficult for me, but I own the relationship with my children, not them, not my divorce, but me, and by the actions I take.
So I continued to try and achieve all those things in spite of what life has thrown up at me.
It worked for me even though after two years of divorce, I have not lived in the same country as my children. I first moved to Holland and then the Czech Republic, but I still saw them every other weekend. When things got a bit harder and my job moved me to the U.S., I still managed to visit and see them every 4-6 weeks.
By this time, my children were older and could understand that I was still doing my best to come and see them, Due to distances and cost every two weeks was impossible. But, we tried to make that up by spending three weeks together in the summer.
Throughout, I did my best and they felt that they could see I was trying to be the best dad I could be under the circumstances.
We need to invest in the relationship with our children.
My relationship with my children today, 16 years after I left, is still very strong, I don’t see them as much as I did before, this is partly because I live in the US. Also because they are now 22, 18 and 16 and have lives of their own, but I am still there for them.
I am still in regular contact with them–thank you Facebook–even with the difference in time zones, and I still support them emotionally and financially.
To make the strong relationship we have to separate how we think about and maybe even treat our ex-spouses how we treat them.
We need to invest in the relationship with our children. We can’t wait and leave it until later and hope that all of a sudden our children, as adults will look to develop relationships with is, it doesn’t work like that.
What we put in when they are young and need us; is what we will get back when they are older and they don’t need us! Divorce doesn’t make us bad dads, it’s what we do when we divorce that determines that!
More From DivorcedMoms:
Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: What’s The Difference
The Importance Of Putting Your Children First In Your Parenting Plan
Relocation And Co-Parenting After Divorce
There’s NO WAY you’re a good father. Good father’s don’t leave 6 month old babies. You’re a selfish jerk, period. You set a horrible example for your children & abandoned them.
I agree. How dare he speak for us? 80% of divorce are filled by woman and the most often reason is that fell out of love or something like that. To me that is the height of selfishness. This guy walked out on his family and destroyed the only world his kids knew and he has the ordasity to somehow redeem himeself?
Let’s set the stage for reality here – the author put HIS OWN NEEDS above the needs of his children to be with another woman! Being a good parent isn’t about just visiting every few weeks or checking out Facebook! How often were you available to help your ex wife when the kids were sick? How often do you go to their school or extra curricular activities? Were you there during the early years when the kids kept their mother up all night when they were teething, vomiting or constipated? Did you participate in parent teacher conferences? Did you pay child support or did you leave that responsibility up to the local government?
This article is beyond insulting!
I agree with you 100%. This father is hiding a lot. The real help his ex wife needed. Or like u said when the kids where sick. Oh and did he give her a kind divorce or was he made to? All those things effects the ex and the kids. Being that far maybe he can’t see how things really are. But I can tell u this since I was left with twin daughters before they were born. I needed all the help I could get my ex was gone taking the gf places. My divorce was a nightmare he wanted to keep so much money for his lifestyle and new gf.
But I would say this I wish my ex was in another country he only hurts my kids. He is checked out. Doesn’t go to soccer games or parent teacher conference but he does pay child support. But Late or short or not at all.
This author is a selfish and self absorbed. He is also delusional if he calls himself a good father after leaving a 6 month old for another woman. He placed his needs above those of his family. He prioritized a home wrecker over his family. This guy is leaving a lot out.
What an entitled, selfish POS this father wannabe is. I want to hear from his ex wife and their children. In the meantime, I’m going to go and throw up.
So basically, you created 3 children with your wife, started cheating on her, discarded wife and left family for affair partner. Then you traveled the world, made a cameo appearance in your children’s lives here and there, while your discarded wife actually raised your 3 children. But because you saw them occasionally, contributed financially, and are friends on Facebook… you’re a stellar dad? No dude, you suck as a man and a father. I hope your kids have figured it out and pick way better spouses than you.
Dude- not only are you a terrible father, you’re a garbage human being. And what kind of woman agrees to build a new life with a person who walks away from three LITTLE kids? A six month old? So you were either banging the new chick while your wife was pregnant or started immediately after the baby was born. I can’t decide which scenario is worse.
Write all you want about what a good man you are. I’m sure there are others like you out here who need the validation. Fortunately, most of us can see the sparkling pile of feces you really are. Gross.
You received Father’s day messages? That shows how awesome your EX is, not you. You are not an awesome man. You’re disgusting for leaving your wife with an infant. And doing your best to see your kids is every 4-6 weeks. No. Your best is switching jobs even giving up some luxuries so you can see them more often, you know, like food parents so every day. You can write that you’re a good dad, bit that doesn’t make you one and it doesn’t mean your kids won’t see right through it as they get older.
“But I resolved that I had left her”
Dude, what a prick. Resolve = firm determination/ commitment. The only thing firm was probably in your pants – and your only commitment was to yourself. I’m disappointed with this site for running this piece of garbage. My ex is a d-bag dad who sabotaged his relationship with his kids…but you don’t get brownie points for making an empty self-declaration that you’re a ‘great father’, after the way you made your exit. Lame.
I am soooo happy to see the responses here are unanimous! This author is pathetic. What a load of b.s….a cheating, abandoning proud lowlife will never qualify as a “good dad.” I hope you get treated just as poorly by the universe. Please let karma be real?
Wow, that was some real verbal garbage you spewed out there. Here! You earn a gold sticker for that prize winning bs. I see you’re a motivational speaker? Do you also live in a van by the river? Does your resume include your work as a death eater? Man you better get a flu shot cause you’re gonna catch a cold from that ice in side your soul.
shame, unfortunately this article reflects badly on this publication 🙁 I miss the real divorced mom – Lizzy – she was so amazing!
Shame on you, Yarmi!! This article doesn’t reflect badly on DivorcedMoms. Your comment, however, reflects badly on you. What has you in a lather is that he left his wife for another woman. When your main focus should be on the fact that he put in the effort to remain a good father after doing so. I suppose you’d prefer an article about how a man leaving for another woman was not allowed to see his children again. Here is the issue, women like you can’t separate their relationship with an ex from the fact that, that ex is still a father with the right to father his children…regardless of what caused the demise of the marriage. And, if Lizzy were still here, she’d tell you the same thing.
The author is a narcissist, all about what he did and what he wanted. He did leave 3 kids as well, I don’t believe in staying for the kids…but I do believe in trying for the kids.
They had a new baby, to leave a new mom with a new baby is disgusting and heartless and not a role model for any child.