Do children deserve the truth about infidelity?
According to Dr. Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy. “Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told, they become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on. I can think of no better reason, to be honest with children about infidelity.
The children feel cast adrift.”
Now that is a statement to ponder, especially if you are divorcing because your spouse fell in love with someone else. We want to protect our children and fear that too much information can be harmful but, according to experts, too little information can be even more harmful.
What does a child need more than anything when a family comes apart? They need two loving parents they can trust. Some will say that affairs are “grown-up” problems but so are honesty, trustworthiness and security and those are all things children need.
If a child is to be able to feel secure in a relationship with a parent that is engaged in an affair then there must be a discussion about this “grown-up” matter. It is the reality of the situation and sooner or later your child will learn about the affair. Wouldn’t you rather the news come from you than a second or third party who might be attempting to alienate your child from you?
Also, there is the issue of respect. If you are engaged in an affair you can count on your child losing respect for you. Being honest will help rebuild that lost respect. “Two wrongs don’t make a right” and in such a situation you don’t want to add deception on top of an affair.
If it is at all possible both parents should come to an agreement about what is to be told, and together tell the children without going into inappropriate details about the affair.
If that isn’t possible, it will be up to each parent whether or not to tell the children.
For example, when talking to your child about the infidelity, you might say:
- “The reason we are divorcing is that I’ve fallen in love with someone else. I’m not proud of what I’ve done but it is important to me that you find out about this from me. I’m sorry that I have created this problem and hope you will come to me with any questions you have. Even though I no longer love your mother, I will always love you.”
- Your Dad had an affair and fell in love with another woman. This situation is between your Dad and me and not for you to worry about. Your Dad loves you very much and always will.
I often hear people say, “I didn’t divorce my children, I divorced my spouse.” Usually, this is in response to a situation where a child has become angry with a parent and the parent is attempting to justify bad parenting during and after the divorce.
I promise you if you are not honest with your child about the reasons for the divorce you may end up feeling as if you not only divorced your spouse but, your children also. Admitting to an affair will likely cause problems in your relationship with your child BUT rebuilding and working through the anger your child feels will be easier if you are honest with him/her from the beginning.
So, if you’ve found yourself dealing with infidelity you should:
- Decide on when to tell the child and which parent will tell the children.
- Agree on how much detail will be revealed to the child.
- Give your child permission to ask questions and discuss their concerns.
- Assure your child that he/she is your main priority and will always come first.
- Expect your child to be angry, validate their anger and be available to help them work through the anger.
- Not introduce your affair partner to the children until they have worked through any issues the news causes them.
- Focus on creating a conflict-free divorce, for the sake of your children.
Although discussing the other man/woman may be an unpleasant prospect, in the long-run, it will mean your child retaining trust in you and it is that trust that will help you maintain a loving relationship with your child.
Absolutely children need to know about infidelity. Of course the information should be given in age appropriate details. –
My now ex was having an affair with the mother of my child’s friend. These two “adults” dreamed of living together in harmony with all the children because the children were school mates. The children were 10 at the time the affair was discovered. I made sure to explain to my child in a PG version of the decision made by his father and the other woman. We talked about his feelings and I allowed questions to be asked. My son stayed that he knew something was amiss but didn’t know what it was.
To this day, my sons father still denies this (continued) affair and has lost trust and respect from our son.
Yes- knowing the truth is essential! My now ex told our kids who were 8, 13 and 18 at the time that I forced him to move out of our family home and as a result he moved in with a “guy named Don” because he just couldn’t afford a place on his own…
In reality, he had leased a luxury home a year before I caught him and “Don” was really “Dawn”
who he worked with and she was married as well.
Of course he insisted that the kids come stay with him right away where he was living with his
‘financial guy roommate’ and the court system made me send them for visits.
The kids began having nightmares and were shocked and confused that Daddy was lying to them.
I took the kids to a therapist to help them be able to talk to someone neutral and I told them the truth
in as simple of a way as I could without sugar-coating it.
To this day- 10 yrs later they trust me implicitly. Kids are SMART and deserve to know the truth!
My ex had an affair with his now wife (my former best friend) 2 divorced families and I’ve maintained age appropriate honesty with my girls (who know they are married; her daughter doesn’t know the truth and it’s been year; a insurance telephone call informed my daughters and I Abbott their marriage but I’m proud of the way I handled it) my girls come first and their mental health is part of that package, I want them to be healthy and whole their dad’s lack of judgement is on him and when he lets them down that’s on him. I’ve come up with the motto that “he’s your dad dad he loves you the best way he can”
In my own context the multiple affairs resulted in multiple children. So my children needed the truth to understand the context and deal with 3 additional half siblings that they have refused to meet
I cautioned my ex to be honest with our 2 adult sons but he never was and continues to be dishonest. Sadly, both have lost respect and regard for their father. It saddens me because the relationship between father and sons is so damaged and their father’s cheating partner, and now wife, encourages the kid’s father to cut all ties with them, as well as anyone that preceded her. Our oldest is marrying in a month and his father is not attending because his wife was not invited. I didn’t have to tell either that the reason I was divorcing their father was infidelity; they knew. As adults I am not responsible for either facilitating their relationship, nor do I intentionally hurt their relationship. For younger children I would take the high road, but be protective, and remember the kids will grow up and will remember how all the adults in their life conducted themselves.
Lying destroys relationships. If you are dealing with a liar, how can you ever trust anything they tell you? I know I love my children and I tell them and show them as much as possible. I cannot speak for their father who never stops lying about everything, I don’t know if he loves them. He is a stranger to me at this point due to all the lies, thefts and vandalisms. All you can honestly say is what you honestly know. The word “love” means something different to a narcissist than it does to an ordinary feeling person.
The children will have to gauge what the meaning of his words and actions are themselves. I am trying to stick to facts. If I tell them that their father loves them when it is likely that he doesn’t then you get dragged into his lies.
It would be nice to think that all parents love their children but it’s not the case. If a person can stop loving their spouse, they can stop loving their children. You judge a tree by it’s fruits. If a person is treating another person in a way that is not loving then they don’t love the person and it is better to know that than to have unrealisitc expectations which cause more pain and injury. The truth will set you free. If you know that a person does not love you when they don’t love you, you will be able to move on better and not live in unending useless hope for something that is not going to get better.