- It Wasn’t Just Life Stressing Him Out
- His Mood Swings and Disappear Act
- My Exhaustion Caused Me To Look The Other Way
Are there warning signs that we just don’t want to see when deep down we suspect infidelity? In previous articles, I have shared that I became divorced as a result of my ex-husband’s infidelity. I have shared how it felt and how I tried to pick up the pieces of my life and be the head of household to my two children.
Were The Signs Right In Front Of You?
I have expressed the financial difficulties of carrying a mortgage alone. I have expressed the fatigue, and sometimes despair and loneliness at raising a family by myself, carrying so much responsibility from the time my two children were 4 weeks and 4 years old. But I have never talked about the warning signs.
It wasn’t until recently that I really started to think about them. I joined a Facebook group about divorced moms and have been reading the various experiences shared by women relating to all the twists and turns of being a divorced woman and a single mom.
I found myself commenting several times to questions about infidelity. It dawned on me that I have never really spoken about the warning signs that were all around me. Signs, I just didn’t want to face.
We see what we want.
Any couple who is building a home can tell you that it is an enormously stressful undertaking. When doing so while renting an apartment during construction and after just having a baby, along with our toddler just starting preschool, well that can send anyone over the edge.
To add to that, the house construction was over date, over budget and we were changing contractors as a result of some very shady things we saw happening. That is indeed a lot of life events all crashing into each other. It is inevitable that stress would be high.
Well, that was my rationality that would explain why my then husband was so irritable. I was feeling uneasy too, but I was also blissfully happy after having given birth to my beautiful baby girl.
Warning number 1:
I assumed his constant mood swings and disappearance acts were because he was tense and needed to go on long walks as he cleared his head. Or at least that was what he always told me. In fact, he was missing in action the day after our daughter was born. I was in the hospital after having a C-Section and was getting many visitors, all of which asked where my husband was. I said oh he is probably exhausted or taking care of our son. In my heart, I knew that was a lie. We had a nanny who was in charge of our boy and besides, he was at preschool. And hello? I just had a baby! I’m the tired one jerk!
Warning number 2:
When my husband was home, he was always on his computer. I always went to bed early because I am just not a night owl. One night I woke up and walked into the room and saw he was on his computer. In my conscious mind, I didn’t think anything of it.
But in my unconscious mind, I found myself stopping and watching him before he noticed I was there. As soon as he did he shut off the computer. Yes, I knew that to be odd. But I literally was exhausted and didn’t have to energy to even attempt to entertain my suspicions. So I didn’t. I said goodnight and went back to sleep. Ignorance is bliss I guess.
Warning sign number 3:
My usual then-husband was a pretty cool-tempered cat most times. He wasn’t that easy to get angry or emotional at all for that matter. But in the months leading up to my discovery of his infidelity, I noticed he was always in a bad mood.
I even recently had a sad memory that honestly haunts me to this day. It was time for my last checks before giving birth to our daughter. He had our son with him, and we all went into the exam room to hear the baby’s heartbeat and to see the sonogram being performed. My husband was embarrassingly irritable. He was rude to me, the doctor, and was being dismissive and authoritarian to our son. A 3-year-old who was just being a 3-year-old. I was humiliated at his behavior and wished that I had just done the appointment alone. But go figure I thought the father might want to participate too. I didn’t realize he was probably late for a date with his mistress.
Warning sign 4 – 100:
There were so many warning signs that I didn’t even see until after he was busted, and after I found an email he had sent to a woman I didn’t know. It was explicit. It was surreal. It was the end of my marriage. I am many days away from that dreadful day and I do feel sad that I was so naive to the blatant things I saw and yet chose to ignore. Though I know as I sit here today, I may have contributed in some strange way to his need to cheat, or to his never really loving me.
But I also know that I was always honest, and I never even considered cheating on him… on our family.. ever. I honored my vows. However, I guess someone had to end his apparent misery. I would like to say it was him, but it wasn’t. He denied the affair and told me he didn’t want to leave us. But then a few days later he said he wanted out and he was gone. There was someone waiting for him that accepted him and who was a full participant in his exit. Best of all, she expected nothing from him.
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
If you have experienced this temporary blindness as I did. Don’t beat yourself up. It is our own mind preparing us in an unconscious way. We all come to our own conclusions in our own time. As I was typing this article I realized I could strongly feel my pulse. I stopped and looked at my heart rate monitor on my apple watch and pressed the crown down for 30 seconds to get a read. It was higher than I have ever seen it.
Though the days of his infidelity are far behind me, the physical response to retelling it all is apparently still inside my physical body. But I have the comfort now of knowing that I didn’t die. I didn’t even despair. I lived through it to help anyone else know that they too will be just fine. It may hurt for a while, but you will soon learn that life goes on and peace in your heart will return back home to you.
Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. Dalai Lama