Do you often think to yourself, “my husband is an asshole?” Maybe he’s a control freak or maybe you allowed things to get out of control.
Are you married to an asshole? Who isn’t? But what degree of asshole is he? Can you manage his assholiness or do you need to divorce him? Is he the cause of your depression?
You are probably familiar with flying on an airline and emergency procedures. The ones the flight attendants go over just before take-off. Have you ever thought about the importance of those oxygen masks? They explain that the masks drop down and the oxygen starts to flow.
Have you ever really thought about the importance of putting yours on first? You have to breathe. You have to take care of yourself first in order to care for others.
Ah, ha!
Are You Married to an Asshole?
Is that the root of your problem? Is that the cause of your depression? It was for me. I couldn’t breathe. I never put myself first and I eventually lost the ability to care for those around me. OMG, I’m ashamed to say that this is what happened to me three times. What is wrong with me? Am I wired to be a doormat?
Just like with husbands number one and two it started off the same.
I’m single.
I’m healthy.
I look and feel great.
I love my job.
I have friends and family who love me. And then it happened.
I met Mr. Wonderful number three. Woo Hoo. He loves me. He thinks I’m smart and funny and beautiful. He showers me with compliments and gifts. He loves spending time with me. It doesn’t matter if we go out or stay in as long as we’re together. He promises me that this will last FOREVER. LIES! How did I not see this pattern? Maybe they weren’t lies at the time but things change.
Did he turn into an asshole or was he always an asshole?
Did I change? How did I go from an interesting independent woman to a depressed doormat? All I know is the new wore off, reality set in, his needs came first and I became depressed.
As with many couples, we agreed to put his career first. After all, it was for “us.” We worked together and I became his assistant. We played together too. But little by little he explained away the changes. He needed some guy time. “It’s ok,” I explained to myself. He deserves it. I deserve it too.
I tried going out with friends but every time I did he showed up. Sometimes he called with a reason I needed to come home. He was so controlling that I stopped going out. I was even flattered that he was a little jealous. Besides, we needed to save money and I was so busy with the kids and when I had a free minute I wanted to spend it with him.
Eventually, everything was about him. If I did speak up I got accused of being a nag. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be the cool understanding wife. But deep down I knew he was being an asshole. I knew things had changed, but I didn’t know what to do. And you know what you do when you don’t know what to do? You do nothing. You learn to accept it and you make excuses. I was so afraid of losing him that I lost myself.
Does any of this sound like you?
You don’t stand up to your husband because you just don’t want to fight anymore. You let the kids get their way too often because you’re too tired to care. You don’t open the mail because it’s all bills and they are all overdue. You need a haircut. You wear the same clothes that you did years ago. You don’t eat right. You suffer from anxiety and maybe you self-medicate with alcohol?
Maybe you are depressed because he is an asshole. Maybe he’s a control freak or maybe you allowed things to get out of control. Maybe you enabled his bad behavior because you hate confrontation. Maybe you don’t want to rock the boat. But the boat is sinking and you are the only one on it.
Believe me, I know. I was depressed. I gained weight and suffered from insomnia and anxiety. My gums would bleed whenever I brushed my teeth and I didn’t go see a dentist. I’ve gone through menopause without seeing a doctor. I truly put my health, my happiness and myself last.
I dropped my hobbies and the volunteer work that I used to love because he needed me to concentrate on “our” life. All the while he slowly made his own private life. I had panic attacks. It got so bad that whenever he did something that I knew was wrong I would have an attack. He started accusing me of being allergic to him…in a way he was right.
The real kicker is that my husband, who I put first, put me last. When I said I needed to change he said “good.” When I asked for his help and support he said he couldn’t help me because he barely knew how to help himself. In reality, he’s suffering from depression too. But men and woman do not suffer from depression in the same way. Women take the blame and men blame others.
Was it his depression that made him an asshole or was he always an asshole? That’s a matter of opinion but when I started to challenge him he wanted out. After all, I did for him, he wanted out? Wow. Now on top of my depression was grief. I went through shock, denial, anger, depression again and finally acceptance. I accepted that I had changed. I had become a person he didn’t like and a person I didn’t like. I became a doormat. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was history repeating itself. I have no explanation why I didn’t see it coming but I do know that it could happen again. I’m wired this way. I allow people to take advantage of me. For me, this cycle needed to stop and I took charge.
With help from my family and friends, I’m recovering. I promised my kids and myself that there will not be another man until I am in complete control of my own needs. I committed to supporting myself. I read, went to church, joined the gym and got a new job. I treated myself to the salon. I bought new age-appropriate professional clothes. I have hobbies. I do charity work. I have friends. I like myself. I’m happy. I no longer have panic attacks. I’m no one’s doormat and I’m no longer depressed. I did it without drugs, but if you need medical assistance then run, don’t walk and get help.
You need to take care of yourself before you can care for others. Put your oxygen mask on first and breathe.
FAQs about Marriage and Depression:
Is he lying or telling the truth?
I met Mr. Wonderful number three. Woo Hoo. He loves me. He thinks I’m smart and funny and beautiful. He showers me with compliments and gifts. He loves spending time with me. It doesn’t matter if we go out or stay in as long as we’re together. He promises me that this will last forever. LIES! How did I not see this pattern? Maybe they weren’t lies at the time but things change.
What do I do if my husband accuses me of being a nag?
If I did speak up I got accused of being a nag. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be a cool understanding wife. But deep down I knew he was being an asshole. I knew things had changed, but I didn’t know what to do. And you know what you do when you don’t know what to do? You do nothing. You learn to accept it and you make excuses. I was so afraid of losing him that I lost myself.
Do you know if you’re depressed?
I was depressed. I gained weight and suffered from insomnia and anxiety. My gums would bleed whenever I brushed my teeth and I didn’t go see a dentist. I’ve gone through menopause without seeing a doctor. I truly put my health, my happiness, and myself last.
Has depression turned my husband into an asshole?
He’s suffering from depression. But men and women do not suffer from depression in the same way. Women take the blame and men blame others. Was it his depression that made him an asshole or was he always an asshole? That’s a matter of opinion but when I started to challenge him he wanted out. After all, I did for him, he wanted out? Wow. Now on top of my depression was grief.
How to recover and gain control after the divorce?
With help from my family and friends, I’m recovering. I promised my kids and myself that there will not be another man until I am in complete control of my own needs. I committed to supporting myself. I read, went to church, joined the gym, and got a new job. I treated myself to the salon. I bought new age-appropriate professional clothes. I have hobbies. I do charity work. I have friends. I like myself. I’m happy. I no longer have panic attacks.
This story, in parts, is my own. I was a door mat. I lost myself so much I felt completely sucked dry, yet he demanded more. My world closed in. I was only allowed HIS interests and to be involved in HIS religious activities and with only others in HIS religion. . I almost completely lost my family. I lost most of my friends. After I told him I wanted out, he set out to destroy me and take our children. I gave so much of myself, it has taken years just to find out who I AM. Thank you for this wonderful post. Others need to know how important it is not to allow yourself to be put last.
How are you now?? It’s been some time. I’ve read the story as well as yours… I am in a similar situation but I don’t see a way out… I’m so alone and in so much pain I just want it to stop. I can’t think anymore.. I’m lost.. and I just don’t know how to keep going. I don’t really have anyone, my mother was a control freak and was never allowed to do anything or go anywhere. Now it’s the same… he has a life but I don’t… I work from home for HIS business, kids, home… all by myself. He never EVER HELPED. I did everything for my kids… he only sabotaged me by talking bad about me yo my kids. It’s 19 yrs later and I feel that the only way out for me is if I’m gone. No on helps.. I do everything.. I don’t blame my kids, I know it’s my fault, but I just wish that they at least had a clue of what I’m going through… when I’m sick I still have to get up and do everything, when my husband is sick I have to do everything… even pop the pills out and hand it to him with a glass of wAter. Make soup, wash him, take him good, fruit.. check in him every hour.. and go everything else. My kids want this, wshtvyo govthere, I have to finish all the paperwork for the business, make calls, pay the bills, clean, cook, wash put away… I sleep 1-2 hrs every night… I am soooo tired… I also support my mother.. she lives in our house next door, I pay her car payments, insurance, electricicity, gas, phone… never pays anything… so technically another child… and she’s only 63yrs old. I’ve always looked after her, ever since my parents divorced when I was 5yrs old. So my husband has one up over me. Why does he have to support her too..??? So I do everything for him to make peace and keep her there… yet no help from her with anything… I’m tired… really tired… and honestly don’t see a way out… except… maybe in the after life I’ll finally rest… not happy.. just rest…
Hi! What you are describing sounds like it sucks. First of all, I think that you should make a priority out of getting proper sleep. The feelings of despair and suicidal thoughts that you are describing could very well be a consequence of being seriously sleep deprived.
Talk very seriously to your husband. If everything else fails, move in with your mother for a while. But please, stay alive. Not for your kids or your mother, but for yourself. You deserve way better and trust me, even if it seems impossible now, you are going to get through this and find better, happier, restful times, without having to leave this world.
I’m in the same situation . I can’t stop cryin! How can someone u have 34 years to act so cold? I seen him th try Pugh cancer, he has a colostomy bag and will for the rest of his lig e. I change this for him, I clean up all the messed at night when he doesn’t empty his bag. Have had shot all over me to!! But want him not to be ens e cute about the bag. We have 2 of our 30 something sons living with us and not workin. He never does anything with me unless it’s something he wants to d o.
Soooo true, Liz. You offer great advice! I love the picture 🙂 made me laugh!
Oh, Doormat Syndrome. An asshole all on it’s own. It’s like the silent killer of self. I know the pains and struggles of your story, and even the repetitious side of it. Applause to the realization that you need the oxygen mask for yourself first and sharing that openly with others. Love to you and your journey.
Oh, Doormat Syndrome. An asshole all on it’s own. It’s like the silent killer of self. I know the pains and struggles of your story, and even the repetitious side of it. Applause to the realization that you need the oxygen mask for yourself first and sharing that openly with others. Love to you and your journey.
My goodness Liz, I feel like you’ve just told my story too.
Glad to hear you found the strength to grab the mask before the plane went down. Just rest easiliy because you’ll be more aware of the symptoms of assholeness next time.
~ Liv
Liz, I felt so alone until I read your story. Mine is exactly the same. I am so depressed, sad and so lost. Help!
Melissa.
I
Thanks, Liz. I’m sorry you went through it. My story is similar in many ways. I’m not yet officially divorced but more than divorced really–marriage trashed by him, me trashed by him. And things have evolved roughly along the lines you describe. Sorry to moan but wow it’s hard. It’s hard on the blood pressure, etc., too. Have had too many operations, and I’m a person who otherwise never goes to the doctor. (First I have to swell up so big people tell me about it, or get caught by a bowel screening program or fill the pan with blood when I go to the loo — sorry. Only then would I bother a doctor.) Thing is, “former husband” and I are going on 70, and this trashing began about five years ago. I don’t know what to do. I write this just to try to give myself some strength, if that makes sense. I want out of his way. Thank you again for posting. Ruth
Wow Liz your story sounds like my life, the only difference is I’ve only been married 3 months and as soon as my husband starting showing signs of being an Asshole I left and we’ve been seperated almost a month now and even though were going through marriage counseling I see how selfish he is and I wonder if it’s even worth trying to work? And if yes can I be patient and strong enough to wait for him to change. As a Christian Im told by others that I still have to love him and put up with his behaviors until he changes but as a human being the easy way is to leave and hope that not all men are jerks. Theres a good book I’m reading and I recommend it to others (Its called how to avoid falling in love with a jerk) by John Van. Im happy to know that you are better now both physically and emotionally and Thank you for posting this article but your article left a lot to be desired. The title stated are you depressed or are just married to an asshole. Both things have signs Depression has signs and being an Asshole has signs Signs of an Asshole are: Controlling behaviors, breaking boundaries, lack of emotional control and has the inability to see others perspective. The person is a truly and asshole.
mmm. I initially googled this just hoping he would see it in the history. Then I read it and thought, damn, this is my life.
Mine is so different though. I turned my husband (as of tonight, soon to be ex) into an asshole. I have known him for 20 years- since I was 14. I have been with him for 18. Our son is 17 today. He was the sweetest guy you could ever hope to meet. And absolutely perfect in every way. We are trucking right along and I do what I swore not to- became a workaholic. I was working until 2 AM some nights. He was lonely but put up with it. Then, because I wore the pants and didn’t have to answer to anyone, I became friends with someone that I knew better than to be friends with (another guy) and kept it from him…for a year. He found out of course because with any marriage worth anything, a lie will not go undiscovered. He found out by sheer curiosity of who I was talking to while we were on a trip to see a concert. He got a hold of the code to my phone and it broke him. This friend of mine was hopelessly in love with me and told me often. I loved him as well but not the same. He was aware but did his best to get me to leave my husband. Well my husband was reduced to a crying heap of a man on the bathroom floor at my betrayal. Of course he was. He knew me to be one person and I had a secret life that didn’t involve him. It wasn’t until that moment (sadly…it shouldn’t have been 14 years into our relationship) that I realized that this was the only man I ever wanted, ever needed and I would absolutely die without him. I begged and pleaded and cried for forgiveness. He granted it permitting I give up my job that was consuming me, give him all passwords and passcodes to anything and everything (which irked me. I think or thought everyone was entitled to a bit of privacy but thinking back on it, if I needed privacy from him then I should have left him), had to agree to be home and a set time every night from work and had to be completely transparent. Well, I was so thankful that he was giving me another chance that of course those terms were more than reasonable. Fast forward three years. I now I have a huge asshole of a husband who justifies every nasty comment or action with “well if you wouldn’t have cheated…”. OK. I didn’t cheat…physically. I know an emotional affair is probably worse but even still…he is devoid of any and all forgiveness that he once gave me. We were so good for so long because of this newfound honesty and being all about each other. Well…I was all about him and he was all about me being all about him. I showered him with attention and he gave me none. He said this was all because of what happened and I had to earn it back. It was seriously three years of me kissing his ass, doing as I was told (not an easy feat for someone as strong willed as I am) and barely getting an “I love you” every now and then let alone a compliment. He changed from super husband to super asshole. I know, I know. This was totally my fault and he didn’t have to stay and I owed it to him but now, as of tonight, he says “it just isn’t working for me anymore. it just became too much”. I just don’t understand. I completely changed who I was and how I was just to morph into what he needed me to be to be happy. It wasn’t enough. I lost everything for absolutely nothing at all. And I am so angry with him. FURIOUS. Why didn’t he leave three years ago? Why is he so unapologetic about being SUCH an asshole to me? Why doesn’t he care? It was three years ago and I spend so much time and put forth all of my effort to prove to him that I would never hurt him again and would always be there for him and would always put him first. Is this what turned him into an asshole? Did he become entitled? Or is it really me and my having hurt him so badly that made him unbearable? I know it is only with me, this asshole side. I have seen him interact with other women…friends of ours. He is a completely different person. So much so it actually scares me. How can a man I have known for 20 years be so different? His father is an asshole…was he destined to be an asshole or am I just trying to get out of what I did to him?
I know I ruined him. I know I broke him and cause life long damage that is probably going to affect every single person he is ever with. That makes me the asshole, doesn’t it.
How funny, I initially googled this just hoping he would see it in the history, too. lol
men are assholes.. :/
Wow, my story is also different but essentially the same. KWIM? I was a doormat and even my family didn’t like me any more. They’re happy to have me back now but I’m having a difficult time forgiving them for abandoning me with that asshole.
Testimony!! I was having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend and it had resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment. Everything got worse because he started going to bars and strip clubs frequently with his friends, getting drunk and passing out. He always threatens me on phone whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his friends has giving him. I really love him and we have been dating for 4 years which gave us a beautiful dauhter. I have also lost a lot of money on therapists until I was introduced to Dr Mutuma, a powerful prophet by a friend whom he helped to get pregnant after 8years of marriage; this gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and rushed back home, things just changed between us emotionally. He secured a good job and stopped drinking and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s a miracle I never believed was possible because I had lost all hope until I found Dr Mutuma. So that’s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr Mutuma for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are or undergoing a heart break or any disease/sickness problem I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. Note That: he will ask you to pay a small token to get few materials to do the work. (drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail .com) “He always keep his word”
That’s great! But how do you get away and work on yourself when you have a toddler AND a baby on the way? We decided I was to be a stay at home mom and I put my career on hold and now I’m reliant on his income. I’m miserable and sufdering but even worse, my kids are suffering In this toxic household. I’m stuck. He won’t change and I was too naive to see who he really was in the beginning. I fear this is who he is; a negative, arrogant jerk who’s always angry and arguing. I can’t take it anymore but don’t know where to go or what to do. We’re all trapped.
Try to get your job back even if you get no extra money after paying for day care. See what happens next? Your toddler will enjoying have friends and group activities. Try that for few months and see if he changes. Either he’s stressed from be overworked and showing his moody side, or he’s just showing his true colors since you depend on him and he doesn’t have to put on his best behavior, thinking you’ll not leave him.
Wow, so similar to my story except I’m the one who wants out. My husband says he doesn’t want a divorce but I believe he doesn’t want to lose his doormat.
you are right. update?
A great article that has given me strength. Go team!
Oh! And thank you.
You sound a bit like me and I have ADHD. I wonder if you suffer from it too?
The end results of my ADHD are that in my marriage, I have a lot of discord. I am unable to figure out how to extricate myself, and I’ve found myself becoming very dishevelled and disorganized, even worse that when i was in college and was single. It turns out that increasing my responsibilities through marriage and then having my first child was adding way too much stress, and before I had been barely coping. I managed to work and go to school but my apartment in college was a total mess and I was often wearing dirty clothes. Then later after marriage, it seemed like it was barely manageable. Adding in the birth of my first child sent me into a total dysfunctional state. I couldn’t keep the house clean or do anything, and I was depressed really bad. It turns out i have undiagnosed adult ADHD (never diagnosed from childhood) and the reason I can only function when alone is because it’s LESS responsibilties. And yes, my man is a jerk too. I think most of them are, and they get controlling on ADHD females like woah.
if you find you are in a toxic relationship, it might be in your interests to google “sociopath/narcissist relationship and to some reading…
they have no empathy no remorse and will never change..
their lives run through an endless cycle of Idealise , devalue, discard/destroy..
pathological liers..
no emotional memory.. (think about that one for a sec..)
one in 25 people..
if you are empathic… and trusting.. the fave kind of prey.
Your comment struck a chord in the “no emotional memory” section. I remember asking him if he remembered when I was upset about A and B. He had NO MEMORY of any problem I’ve ever had. Everything was about him, and when he was upset. He’s ALWAYS upset, or unhappy. That’s another narcissist tool – complaining!! No matter their self confidence there is always so much flippin’ complaining. Wah, me. Sad me. Me. Myself. WAH! Boohoo. Me. Me. Oh my gosh. He drove me nuts! >.<
psychopathfree is an amazing forum!!
for those who have been in abusive relationships
this place saved my life.
https://www.psychopathfree.com/
I can relate, great article! I became so depressed during my 10 year marriage that I ended up on SSI, disability. I could barley function and figured I was just doomed to be a depressed person for the rest of my life. Of course he was always there reinforcing the notion that I was the problem, and that my depression had nothing to do with him. As soon as we seperated I became the happy person I used to be… It was amazing and really scary that a person can do that much mental/emotional damage to you.
How did you work up the courage to.finally leave?
We decided to move and I was setting up the new household and he was staying behind to wrap things up. We were living separately for about three months. We were using Skype everyday and I started to see him differently. I started to see body language that I hadn’t when we were together. It was a slap in the face realization. Then my adult children got through to me. The spell was broken. I had to make a decision and I had to stick with it. It was difficult but once the decision was made, I stood by it.
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MARY KATHY_TEXAS
wives are fLOcking idiots!They are incapable of reasoning or thought. Two women together is a total cluster fLOck! DON’T GET MARRIED, HIRE HOOKERS AND ENJOY LIFE!!
Ohhhhhh fuck you…..patheatic boob
Thanks for this text, I am starting to realise I need to be out asap.
Dear Liz-
First of all, there should be no difference whether man or woman meaning an a’hole is an a’hole. I think the most prevelant thing for a great realtionship is to have the same sibling order. I am a third order male (very laid back) and was married to a first order female (very take charge) which resulted in a nasty divorce after 26yr. I was fortunate to meet a third order woman whom we are two peas in a pod with unbelievable communication and passion. I think age is also a key here as I am know 56yr and most younger people lack the experience to know what wont work. As first said, an a’hole is an a’hole regardless of gender and hopefully experince will change them to simply “dicks” at best.
Maybe its you…
Oh wow, thank you for that laugh some guy. Just what I needed today. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Liz Logan
Most women turn into entitled, sexless, nags, right after marriage. Until they want children, then they’re nice until they get pregnant or give birth. After that forget it. Most of today’s women want to be Feminists and Traditional women at the same time. Men are doomed with them. They threaten to divorce, take wonderful children and basically everything the man has. No sane man should ever get married.
Wow. He was really was an a hole. LOL. The number of men who are NARCISSISTS in this world is really staggering to me. My ex was bad, but has grown up a bit since I left him. (Still, I’m not interested at all in him anymore. He’s just “icky” to me. He was a lone child and never had to think of anyone but himself. As nice as he is, his Grandma spoiled him rotten. ) Anyway, I blame the American divorce rate on the number of boys who are raised to think that women (and possibly the rest of the world) should worship them. They all want to marry their mother, who thinks they are the #1 person in the universe and the world revolves around them. Someone please raise a self-confidence, compassionate and throughtful, normal male – because there aren’t any here!! I just broke up with an alcoholic narcisist. Yep. Figured that one out piece by piece. He showed his true colors one imperfection at a time. (Don’t they all?). 3 months in I was like, “What the hell kind of relationship am I in?!”. I’m surprised it took that long for me to figure it out, but I was trying to “give him a chance”. Please don’t give them chances girls. Once they show their selfishness ONCE, just end it before you and your kids have to suffer through the break up. Until recently I was just pulling him along so that he wouldn’t commit suicide. They always make you think that they can’t live without it. Guess what? They always do. They’re too narcissistic to kill #1, and will run to their Mommy instead. UGH!
“But men and woman do not suffer from depression in the same way. Women take the blame and men blame others.”
If you are going to write an article about someone being an A’hole please don’t be a judgemental A’hole yourself.
The quote you chose is fact. Men and woman handle depression differently. Women turn it inward, men turn it outward. That isn’t me being judgemental, that is me stating a fact. Men are often reactive, irritable, hostile, and outwardly aggressive during depression. One reason men are often misdiagnosed as needing anger management. If you think that is judgement, then I suppose the National Institute of Health is who you need to take that up with.
I disagree, not all men are like that. I turn everything inward and am currently suffering with a controlling spouse…. It’s not good to stereotype all men into that category. My depression is starting to become unbearable and I feel like I am near my breaking point. I can never talk about what bothers me because it turns into a witch hunt and I receive a list of everything I have EVER done that is perceived as wrong and against her *sigh*
what can i say? americans!!! so much, yet so little brain cells, half the world starves yet you are fat and stupid! people have no shoes yet you idiots have a wardrobe with 2000 pairs!!!… soft easy life all you have to worry about is money and getting old….pathetic excuse for a people, youll get whats comming to yous, when you blindly vote in clinton ….again. whats the definition of insanity? repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results each time!
Thank you so much, i m earning to breath
This is me right now. My first husband though… and I’m scared to take that leap into getting separated but things just keep getting worse and worse… fml
It’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m in a 8 year marriage and am going through something similar. I suffer from anxiety, insomnia, and probably mild depression too because of my stressful marriage. I keep thinking, I can handle my husband’s a-hole-y side of him, but the more I do, the more I get hurt. If I tell him what’s bothering me, all he does is call me dumb sh** and tell me it’s all in my head. I tell him I need his support and time in helping give myself time to take care of me, he says he understands and agrees to help. I make plans for 2 hours at the gym, time to go to the spa, get a facial, he’ll tell me the night before or that very day, he needs me to stay home and keep the kids busy while he works. I get upset but tell myself, his work is helping the family, so I can give up my plans to help. But here he is, telling me I could take care of myself if I really wanted to, in fact I can lose 10 lbs this week before a family portrait. I can buy what ever I want to take care of my skin. I have all the time in the world to go to the gym, do my girl stuff, etc., he doesn’t know what is stopping me. I tell him it’s him, his two jobs, and it’s the fact that I put our kids and him first before myself, and there is no one helping me… Ugh… There’s too much to get into. He just continues to say I don’t understand, you’re so f-ing stupid. He’s right, I am stupid. I’ve been proposing separation for the longest time, but he refuses to. I proposed divorce and he refuses that too. I proposed marriage counseling, and that’s a no go too. I don’t know how things could get better.
Jane, is there a reason you can get a babysitter to stay with the kids so you can get out. If you can’t depend on him, then make plans that aren’t dependent on him being there for you. It’s no wonder you feel anxious. It isn’t healthy to put everyone needs ahead of your own. And, you may see a change in his behavior if you show him you will get your needs met without his help. Hire yourself some help in the form of a sitter. Or, go to a gym that has an area with a sitter for children. Also, he can’t refuse a separation or a divorce. You don’t have to have his permission for either of those things. If you want a divorce, file for a divorce. No-fault divorce laws give you the right to divorce whether he likes it or not. Maybe go to therapy alone, without him so you can figure out how to make things better for YOU.
Jane, I totally agree with Cathy. If you can afford a sitter that’s step one. Maybe if you felt better he wouldn’t seem like such an a-hole. Don’t propose separation or a divorce unless you really mean it. It sounds like he is a hard working guy, and that is hard to come by. If you get counseling by yourself it will help. I found it better than when we tried it together. I found that counseling helped me discover what I already knew and divorce was the right thing for me. Try going alone. You will be amazed what you learn. If divorce is for you then file. You don’t need his permission. Good luck.
I have been out of work for awhile, had problems with my past employer, keep getting bullied, and sometimes am not in the best mood. My husband’s friends keep on commenting on this and I told them several times to stop. I confronted my husband and he said it is nothing harmful. We always fight about it and we are now in couples therapy. The therapist thinks I’m too sensative and should just brush off what they said. I don’t like when people constantly critize me — it is not helpful and will not change my behavior. It just makes me more stubborn.
I am not a therapist but I did go to one and I have studied. A therapist let’s you speak and allows you to come to your own conclusion regarding what is right for you. If your therapist is telling you what to do then get a new therapist and go alone. Your gut knows what is right. Follow your instincts. Bullying is NEVER right.
What comments do his friends make? Who is bullying you?
Oh my gawd! This is totally me. I wish I could explain how I feel like you have. I really have a hard time communicating my feeling, especially with my husband. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t love him ‘correctly’ if you know what I mean. I’m a doormat too. Thank you so much for taking time out to write your blog and helping people like myself. 🙂
[…robinso.buckler @ yahoo . com: Helped to bring My Ex-Husband back with his spiritual power…]
I am a man, and I do not turn my depression outward in the form of anger. Please dont say something like that. It makes me feel like even less of a man when you say men are like that when I am clearly not like that.
I was abused by my mother, she was an alcoholic and abused drugs. And i got some serious mental and physical abuse from her. Because of that i am extreemly careful not too act that way to anyone else.
Mark, research says most men turn their depression outward and blame others for the way they are feeling. You are one man who doesn’t do that. Are we supposed to change the way we discuss depression in men just because one man doesn’t respond the way most men do?
You may not be like that but according to research most men are like that. Most men blame a wife or significant other for their depression. My ex did, a lot of women have fallen victim to a depressed man who couldn’t own his own feelings. That is a reality and good for you for escaping that reality but, it’s reality just the same.
Well said Amanda. My husband came from an abusive mother. I know first hand the reality of the researched facts. My hubby will discuss problems, come to a agreement on how to handle situ…. but it doesn’t end up resolved. He will tap dance around the problem and then acts like a child throwing a fit, blames me for anything going wrong in his life, he is messy and rubs in my face he works and i don’t. I am starting to just not care about anything lately, i have no friends, and i can’t have any due to his actions. I know he will make me sorry.
Sadly Mark most men do. You are one of the few that don’t. My husband does. Since the ring went on his finger he takes everything out on me regardless of whether it’s his fault, the neighbor was too loud, anything is blamed and screamed my way. He’s very mentally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive in his depression.
It seems like you are one of the few who are aware. My husband isn’t. He lashes out at any pain and I’m his whipping post. 🙁
First, let me applaud you for sharing your struggles and mirroring mine. I felt you, through your words. I am elated that you were able to see the pattern you were living in, albeit very painful to admit to yourself and others. I believe that depression is sometimes our key to what we’re really fearing and that is rejection…yet again from those who promise to love us. Kudos to you for taking charge of your life with your support team and then becoming strong enough to conquer this issue without medication.
A recommendation. A book recommendation, no less. Really – this one is important for all women to read. It is out of print, but can be found: Women Who Marry Houses by Robert Sidenberg and Karen DeCrow. The full title is, Women Who Marry Houses…Panic and Protest in Agoraphobia. c1983
ISBN 0-07-016283-2 One needn’t be married or even in a relationship, nor have experienced panic, nor agoraphobia, to benefit.
My husband and I aenjoy a blended family he is constantly saying I am unfair and didn’t put any thought into presents I got for his son. Which. Is so far from true . I got him everything he wanted asked for. On top of that I tried to get him a expensive gift he wanted and my husband said no it was to much . Today I got him a mine craft game cheat book ( he asked for) and my daughter a miniature doll . He accused me of only buying the book so I could buy my daughter the doll. Which is so far from true. My step son asked for it several times. I am so tired of him acting like I am this terrible person idk what to do.
Your gut knows what to do. You either need to confront him and work through it, remain silent and unhappy or leave him. I would recommend talking to him and see how he reacts.
Liz I think your problem is not you that for 3 times you found a**holes! I think you attract narcissistic men who loves women who are emphatic and loving. They suck the life out of you leaving you depress and confused… where you start asking yourself that mayb you are the problem! I am in your same situation. My first husband cheated on me, he was a lier and a charmer and I was his fool. Now I am married to another jerk. At first my second husband was all pver me, sweet, caring, always checking on me, jealous. Basically all the things I was missing from my previous marriage. Now, 5 years later, with two kids, he is selfish, everything is about him, if I try to argue,
For him I am nagging. I can never speak my mind or feelings. He is a robot emotionally and I am a fool again! I wish I was an a****hole
I’m a man, and my wife is the jerk. but for you, I have to say.. 3 times? .. there is a pattern there. What is the common denominator? Some people are too quick to blame others.
Well John, I have learned that I have a type. My type is men who make me feel like I am exactly what they want but in reality they know how easily I conform to what they want. I do it with everyone actually. I am the peacemaker and the caretaker. After three years of being single I know that’s how I need to stay. I blame myself and I need to protect myself from repeating the past.
This is exactly my situation! I have 3 kids, 3 different fathers (please don’t judge) and I am trying so hard to make my current relationship work. I feel like he hates me with how he talks to me, his presence around me is always blah. I literally do everything for everyone else, and I’m just there. I feel so lonely in my relationship. I try telling him and he says I’m victimizing myself. We start therapy in 2 weeks and I hope something comes of it. Trying to stay hopeful.
And I don’t need flowers everyday or an abundance of gifts. I just want kindness and compassion from my husband.
I have no answers, only questions for you.
if you feel he hates you, why do you want to make this relationship work? If you are lonely in the relationship, why are you in the relationship? would you feel more or less lonely alone? What do you expect (emotional? Social? Material?) from a relationship?
Do you like yourself? Are you happy with the person you are, regardless of who shares your life?
Why do you do everything for everyone else? Is it something you have to do or you want to do? Do you feel you have to prove yourself to others?
I am not judging Stephanie, you are probably a wonderful woman and I wish you the absolute best, I known your husband, maybe he’s a jerk, maybe he’s a good guy. Happiness starts within. Good luck
I am the bread winner and the care giver for the kids. I don’t demand very much I guess that’s why I don’t get much from this marriage. He does put in his small weekly contribution for bills but never ever a dime more. No extra money for the kids college expenses, their health care or anything. I don’t really interact with friends or family. I’m lonely and depressed. He is a total slob which makes me not want to clean or take care of the house like I should because his junk is all over the place. We argue all the time but he will not leave. This is truly a toxic marrage. I really hate being married.
Teresa: After reading your post, I truly feel for ya! My family member is in the same boat, from above post. On top of the crap he pulls, I forgot to mention he wastes umpteen dollars on video games and magazine subscriptions. The kids struggle for new school clothes or shoes or coats and he’s out wasting thousands on dumb garbage. It is so annoying. I can’t stand seeing her like this or anyone of that matter! Hope it gets better for you! 🙂
Pees in jars??? Hell no,,,,dump that in his shoes
” He is a total slob which makes me not want to clean or take care of the house like I should because his junk is all over the place. ”
I feel the exact same way. Uses furniture as ashtray, food/candy wrappers thrown on floor. Urinates in jars during night then leaves it around. Ugh. Then I get berated and called a crappy excuse for a wife (he has no job) and I’m the disgusting slob and a turn-off.
I contacted [email protected] because i was so heartbroken and don’t know what to do with myself but after 3 days of contacting Dr. Todd, my lover came back to me.
32 years of marriage. He decided he doesn’t love me anymore, can’t live with me anymore is leaving.
I am so depressed and cannot sleep eat or do anything. I cant use the diversion advice, everything leads to him in my daily thoughts, dreams and wishes. I am despondent. I did nothing wrong. He decided he just didn’t want any responsibility anymore even tho I did everything anyway,
we both recently retired and I thought I could spend the rest of my life in retirement with my husband of 32 years. now I am alone, sad, depressed and can’t function. I cry 24 hours a day and don’t know how to get out of this depression and hope and want. I still love him very much he doesn’t want me. i decided recently to discuss this my problem with a friend of my Regina. she introduce me to a spiritual father via his email [email protected] a powerful spiritual doctors. to cut my stories short. Dr Joel spiritual father was the man who help me bring my lovely husband back to my life 24 hours ago. if you have any Relationship or marriage problem or any spiritual problem, i advice you to contact him: [email protected] for help….
Sad to say, this sounds exactly like my marriage. I’m at fault also, I say mean things just as much as he does. I feel like I’m drowning and none of his nor my family seem to care. My only true friend is too far away to live with. I feel the only way out is death or divorce and there is nobody I can live with. My family barely speaks to me and if I bring up how horrible I feel, they either tell me, “You made your bed, lie in it”, or they make up excuses to hang up….such love….eye roll. I’m scared to be alone, because I don’t want to live anymore. He always blames me for everything and rarely takes responsibility for his mistakes. I’ve had health issues this past year, but all I seem to get from him, is that I’m a bad Mom and a lazy Wife. He rarely helps clean anything and when he does, he has to gloat about it for months to everyone. I could go on, but there isn’t enough room,haha,ugh.
I feel the same way.. After all i was skipping around and reading, i feel i need to leave. I have nothing. No job. No money. No friends or family under 1500 miles from me. I’m to depressed to work. I have a 14 year old(from previous marriage). was just diagnosed with severe ptsd. been accident prone lately (ugh). and my heart issues go back 20 years or more. I am anxious and depressed all the time and not on any other meds but for my heart. I’m extremely afraid to take a jump into the unknown without a secure net, which i don’t have. Especially with my kid…i don’t know what to do either, but i do know i want to leave, because i see it is never going to work out.. oh yeah. 15 year relationship including our 10 years of marriage. And I’ve been emotionally numb. We both have ptsd and we were supposed to be working on our problems together by seeing our own counselors but he does not feel it’s benefiting him therefore he’s not putting in the work. I am the only one putting in the effort when I go to the counselor and he’s already willing to give up we’ll call it quits. And I’m just over fighting to keep us together because he has changed quite a bit and becoming much more negative on a daily basis.
Welcome to my life. I’m pretty sure he has a personality disorder, possibly NPD. I’m biding my time till I can divorce. I’m going to school and once I graduate and get a job, I’m filing.
I have been married 17 years now. At this very moment I am contemplating divorce right now. For the first 10 years of our marriage he had an on again off again affair with another woman.
The 4th time I found out was in 2014. I am sure he has been faithful since then but that is not the trouble anymore or so I don’t think so. I believe that I’m at a point that because we’re so already broken that when even his old bahviours set me right off. I have tried so hard to keep our marriage together all these years. He does not want to be alone and he will never leave because he knows how good he has it. I’m not saying I’m perfect, trust me, I have my days.
He casts a very cold shadow still when he is tense or touchy. I believe he is bipolar but he would NEVER get checked. He always blames his moods on his shift work.
We have almost departed 3 times this year. But I keep holding on believing he will change. I think I’m at a realization that he will not and now as our kids are in their teens and will be on their own one day, I can’t help but think to myself, do I really want to spend my last half of my life with someone who does not know how to love me and respect me?
I also feel that I’m giving my kids the wrong example of how a man should treat a woman. He is very cold and snaps at me in front of them a lot. The good thing is after 17 years he only waits a few hours or a day to come talk to me in the past he would not talk to me for days or weeks. I raised our 3 sons almost alone because all those years he was cheating with that woman, he was abcent minded and not here, he was almost resentful towards all of us for his life.
the crazy thing is, before I married him his family gave out little hints about what I was getting into. They would you better put him on a leash, and, he never wanted to get married, he only wanted a dog, a corvettes and that was it.
After so much therapy, depression, medication and 3 premature births due to stress, I’m ready to go.
I have been married for 28 years to my childhood sweetheart and we have 3 grown children and one granddaughter. He has been unfaithful more than once. He moved out of our home just after Christmas last year but we reconciled. He swears that he is not with her any more but I am wondering now if I did the right thing by allowing him back into our home. He truly is a jerk and I do not trust him. We have a lot of bills and he spends a lot of money sometimes without consulting me about it. I have a good income but I know that if we divorce it will be hard for me and we will have to sell our home. I am very torn about where I go from here. We fight all of the time and he is rude and hurtful. I struggle with my weight and he makes comments that my butt is fat. When I question him about the woman he has had an affair with he tells me I am being stupid. Our son says that his father is a narcissist and I think he might be.
I cried reading this. This is so similar to my own life. My husband has severe depression and he treats me like a POS. He wasn’t always like that. At the beginning of our relationship he was so kind and loving but now he’s constantly angry at the world and me. I can’t say anything to him for fear that he will snap at me. Anytime something serious happens in our lives (work, money, kids, illness, etc) his first thoughts are on how it’s going to effect him. Not me. Not our children. Just him. I broke my ankle last year after falling on some ice and he actually said I did it on purpose just to irritate him. He gets angry at the world and blames me and our family for all of his issues. Before we married I was always cheerful and optimistic. Now I’m just sad and depressed. I’ve gained so much weight and I do not take care of myself anymore. My life revolves around him and our children’s needs…not my own. He hates me for gaining weight and even blames me for his own weight gain. Doesn’t help that he’s been out of work for some time now (quit due to his depression). Speaking of which, he would even get angry at me for the fact that he had to work. Like I was this horrible person for forcing him to work so we could pay our bills. He’s now even more angry that he can’t find another job.
I’m just so tired…
Sounds like my marriage. Married to a jerk….and we try to minimize the bad behavior. We don’t demand better because he will always argue back unfairly. He has to win every time. And has a lame excuse for every misdeed. Come to find out, he has Borderline personality disorder. A fear of abandonment is central to his controlling, manipulative, lying, cheating, hoovering, sweet/mean cycling behaviors. He wasn’t this way until after the wedding, because he was faking everything to get me to marry him. He wasn’t being real, but who he thought I wanted.
BPD husbands have practiced this their whole lives. Most won’t get help for it. Mine is an unrepentant, pothead, fool. Becauae I found out he’s also a serial cheater, I’m on my way out. His fear of abandonment will no doubt cause him to victimize someone else the moment I leave. If I sound angry, its because I am.
As so many have already said, this is soooo my existence with my baby daddy. Not married, just living common law. Our 11 year anniversary is in 2 days, and we can barely speak to each other. He did everything exactly as you wrote. Blames me for everything, makes up hypothetical BS situations and then gets mad at me for them. Wtf? I can’t get him on the same parenting page as me, he says he can’t do anything right. Poor victim he is. He gaslights and makes fun of my hobbies and tv shows or anything I do.
I basically have to schedule in a time for him to watch the baby so I can take a bath. The anxiety is repetitive throughout the day. Ya, I’m angry too! And I don’t know what to do.
This is so much my life. I want out
I stopped at the first paragraph of this sexist drivel. Did you address asshole wives?
Thank you for the great post, just found out I’m not the only one that lives with an asshole! I’m trying to take care of myself and learn to continue, trying to avoid distance from arguments and trying to let him know I’m not tolerating abuse.
We as women need to stand up, write more and repeat this that it’s not OK to be depressed, unhappy and miserable.
We’re women, we’re strong!
I can totally relate… I have a question. I have no family and no friends. I put him first for so long and I have been depressed. I don’t even know where to begin! Thank you for sharing:)
I ran across your blog in a Google search that I typed because I needed to vent, I needed to “say” it. My husband and I have been going through a rough patch. One that I was unsure we would make it out of… I know I have my faults and I have hurt him too, and he’ll admit he has faults (sort of) but you’re statement of him-not-knowing-how-to-help-himself, that hit home. I don’t think my husband knows what he wants in this life, therefore when I do something that hurts him, he knows he didn’t want that but he can’t tell me what the hell he DOES want. I don’t think he knows. This year, I have been going to therapy to find more about me; to let me out. I realize there was so much about me I held in; kept secret, even to myself. I think he has demons too, ones he’s not ready to face. And in a way, I have to make him face them, or watch him tear him and us apart. That’s a lot of pressure I’m putting on myself and I know I’ve got to let him fight his own battles, but I do feel like I’m leading him to war. Hmmm… have most women throughout the centuries done such? Their man knows what’s good and just and right, but can’t make the sacrifice; the decision on their own? Good food for thought…
I’m in the same boat. Husband no. 3 is probably the biggest asshole out of them all. My problem is that I’m now retired and nearly 70. Can I really start again. I have very little money and of course he says we can’t afford to divorce. Guess I just have to wait until I die or he does. Then problem solved.
There should be some follow up here? Was there help for you after you posted this? You can decide to be mentally divorced for the children but what are you teaching them about marriage? Im in the same situation and have “dummied down” for years, I remember being pregnant and making him swear we would’t fight in front of our son. He is 16 now and just yelled AT ME to stop fighting when it was him and not me at all, Tonight I am realizing my son is just begging me not to engage. Earlier It felt like they were both blaming me for every skirmish. I’ve been up against both of them and quit. Just faking it. Seriously. Waiting for the both to move on.
I feel marriage is so hard for me. My husband is not being responsible about taking this partnership seriously. He handles our marriage likes he takes care of the relationship with our kids, the maintained of our house, his health, and everything else that’s falling apart around him. He doesn’t think he has any responsibilty to maintain things. He thinks, I’m going to handle everything and he’ll just blame me.
I don’t take more than my responsibility for everything any mor. I do what I can in our marriage, and then I call him on things when he promises things, and then he doesn’t come through. I don’t nag anymore. I don’t feel guilty anymore. I talk to him openly. But, he still doesn’t want to be a full partner. He wants to be a baby. Sorry, but I’m not his mommy anymore!
I will say a prayer for you. I will also tell you some advice, I’m not sure it’s good advice however, I will say it. Our circumstances were way different but I begged for a divorce after 25 years of horrible. Now being on the other side is worse. So try counseling, anything positive to get your marriage better. The only reason to get out is abuse of any kind and, infidelity. Trust me the other side isn’t green it’s dirt and lots of loneliness for women. Men celebrate.they are the ones that are fine. Good luck.
First off, I am a man. I’ve known my wife for 44+ yrs. Not that I would call her an asshole, but there is lots of similarities in your definition. I love my wife and never thought I would be in the position I am now, pending divorce. Somewhere along the way trust has been lost, no defining moment can I determine. I have taken counselling and courses trying to see where the error occured. We have taken marriage counselling, but this is where her Confirmation bias is strongest. Menopause and the fact she was in a serious auto accident are the only moments I can determine what turned my wife. So ladies it not just men who make all the promises and changes along the way. 1LoneRaven.
Hmmm. Looks like Trump as POTUS has proven this little theory of Dirk’s to be incorrect. And all the American bashing is completely unnecessary… The world is hateful enough without this kind of nonsense. Grow up! :/
It’s so helpful hearing from people like you are the perfect example why forums like this exist in the first place!
Thanks so much for proving our point!
We’re curious about something so maybe you can help us.
When you look in the mirror, can you honestly say you see a truly happy, well-adjusted man, who by his kindness & decency is somebody others want to be around?
We didnt think so bc the answer is glaringly self-evident.
Have a fantastic day!
i need help to focus on me, i have been married to my husband for 41 years and for i now realize through the help of therapists that i need to change me because he is not going to change and we live in area where there is not many things to do but work on the property, which he doesn’t want to do anymore, he has very poor health now and says that he cant work like he used to, he is an alcoholic and says that our problems are because of me and my attitude, i get depressed and don’t want to do anything either, we have no friends and i mean no friends, family lives 50 miles away and i don’t have good health anymore from working on this place (very bad back), i think he does things to make me upset and then he has his excuse not to do anything, i just need to talk to happy people to keep me going. i grew up in an alcoholic home with abuse, so found out that i did the same thing, no physical abuse just mental over the years, we live in separate rooms and have for years, i thought when we bought this property that we were on the same page as to what we wanted it to be, he could care less what it looks like, we have i shop that cost us 37,000.00 that has lots of expenses tools in it nut the mice have taken it over, he says that the shop is his and stay out, i do the house work, laundry, shopping, bill paying, etc., my therapist is trying to get me to focus on me but that is really hard when he walks though the house and sees that i am working and makes remarks. i don’t know if this is worth doing. any help for me