Was your marriage over before the other woman came along? Is it really her that is to blame?
I was involved in a discussion recently about society’s tendency to lay blame on the ‘other woman’ when a marriage has broken down due to the husband’s infidelity. It was a touchy subject, to say the least.
Some involved in the discussion indicated that they could care less about the other woman – after all of the pain they were just pleased to be rid of their exes and to begin new lives for themselves. These women primarily blamed their exes for their infidelity and while not enamored with the existence of the other woman – they chose not to dwell on her.
Some of the other ladies, however, seemed to be filled with anger towards the other woman. The ex-partner barely got a mention in the conversation – it was all about the woman and how she both betrayed and destroyed the family. And this got me thinking, thinking about pain and grief and how these two things affect our beliefs and views. It was then that I realized something important:
It is much easier to demonize the other woman than the man we still hold out hope for.
Yet it is here that the question needs to be asked – why do we hold out hope? If our partner has CHOSEN to be with another woman, does that not tell us that he wants to be with her, for whatever reason, instead of us? He has made that choice. Sure, he may be in a ‘trance’ or ‘spellbound’ or ‘bewitched’ by this new updated version of you, but it was still fundamentally his choice to be with her instead of his family.
We can safely assume that he was not threatened or held for ransom by this new lady. At the end of the day, he made a choice. I had to face this very brutal truth when my husband of seventeen years chose to begin a relationship with another – much younger – lady.
Initially, I reacted with anger towards this woman.
I went through all of the standard reactions and thought processes – ‘she’s younger than me’; ‘she has a better body than me’; ‘she has more potential than me’. And I hated her. I hated her for being all of the things that I thought I wasn’t; I hated her for taking my husband away from me. I hated every single inch of her and what she represented. But I didn’t even know her.
One day, before my husband had made the final decision to leave me, I decided to phone her. I wanted to speak with her. I wanted to know what her intentions with my husband were. Part of me wanted to scare her. I won’t go into all of the details of that conversation, but at the end, it was obvious to me that she wasn’t the ruthless, cold-hearted or evil bitch I so wanted her to be. She was very young. And she was single. My husband was not.
It goes without saying that the thing between her and him didn’t last long. I believe that he wanted out of the marriage and that this girl provided a catalyst to do so – the idea of her gave him some further impetus to leave. I am NOT excusing her, but try as I might I cannot escape the fact that she was not the one who made a vow to me – he was. He left his marriage. At the end of the day, she was nobody.
When we are in the midst of heartbreak and pain, we naturally want to lash out.
We want someone to blame. And in our grief, we choose not to lay all of the blame on our ex because doing so would be akin to admitting that he actively chose to betray and hurt us. And this knowledge would hurt us even more. How much easier to apportion all blame to the other woman.
But, if we can take a minute to look past the woman, and look instead at the reality of our marriage and our partner’s choices and decisions, we may just accelerate the healing process for ourselves.
Why? Because whilst ever we maintain the illusion, even in our heads, that our partner was not fully responsible for the choices and decisions he made, we are keeping ourselves in a state of limbo. We are telling ourselves that there is a chance he will change his mind about the other woman and come back to us. We continue to hold out hope for our broken relationship.
Of course, this may happen. He may want to come back. And if he does, we will need to decide if we will take him back. But in all likelihood, he won’t be back. In all likelihood, he knew the marriage was over before he left, and he used the other woman as a catalyst to leave.
Accepting the fact that the marriage is truly over – regardless of the presence of some other woman – is painful and confronting. But out of this acceptance comes healing and closure. And healing and closure are what is needed, not months or years of living in a state of anger, grief and false hope.
I agree that it comes down to the cheater. I also know that if they cheated once, they’ve cheated multiple times. Their issues are their issues, but nevertheless, any female over the age of 21 that is a willing partner with a cheater is not to be admired. My ex got caught into a very toxic situation with the last girl standing. It destroyed his personal and professional life. They’re perfect for each other.
I know, it’s a tough one, and I fully agree that women of a certain age should know better. Who knows what goes through people’s minds. All the very best to you, Moira.
The issue is not with the “Other” woman rather about what drove your spouse into the arms of that other woman. For instance, was the other woman more nurturing than his wife was? Was she more realistic, pragmatic and practical than emotional about the ups and downs of a family life than did his wife? Did she sometimes let the man (cheating husband) be himself and her, herself more than the wife did? Most times some married couple think their marriage and family situation is ok even if not perfect while, in reality, the marriage is long dead without any of the partner especially the female (wife) half realizing it’s over. The point I am making is that marriage requires a constant reexamination silimar to a vehicle going for routine checkup and, if needed, maintenance to preserve and lengthen its lifespan. Thanks for reading!
I agree wholeheartedly Mansa. Sometimes I guess it is easier to blame a third party than to take a close look at what is going on in the marriage, especially if you are dealing with deep hurt and grief. Thanks for commenting on my article!
Perhaps the husband owns his behavior for once rather than blaming it on the spouse or the affair partner. People who cheat do so based on psychological issues they bring to the relationship, not ones created by it. They tend to be anxiously attached and rather than deal with painful or uncomfortable emotions seek to avoid them by focusing on someone shiny and new. People cheat because that’s how they’ve learned to cope. Unless that partner changes that maladaptive behavior, all the couples retreats in the world aren’t going to solve a damn thing.
Exactly; when anyone tries to place any level of blame on the wife/spouse (not meeting the needs of the cheater, etc, I immediately know that “excuser” is probably justifying their own behavior, past or present).
Ladies ….trust me…some of us have no idea about a wife . I was lied to for over 14 mths. Where there is one lie another is right behind. Shaking this man off is like shaking a fly off poop. It’s to the point he wants to leave his wife…was headed in that direction anyway. I don’t want a full time man and definitely not one that lied and cheated with me. He is not to be played with so im treading very carefully for now.
I can think of nothing worse, Jb, than waiting around for a man who is ‘thinking about’ (or says he is going to) leave his wife. I agree, tread carefully, and look after YOU. Thanks for commenting on my article xx
I am really in pains ,as much as I agree is not the other woman but this other woman in my own case is very naughty. I realised in July 2017 that my hubby was up to something and I found out that he was with a single one of one who was once married.while still leaving with me and our 4 kids he rented an apartment for her and spent most weekend with her in the name of travelling on official duty .when I realised that something was wrong I investigated and confronted my hubby .called the other woman on phone and was very nice to her.i told her that I don’t have issues with her but I got the shock of my life.she told me that am not good enough for him and that she left her marriage because it was not working and I should leave my marriage for her.she drops him in front of the house days that he didn’t go with his car.she is doing every thing to kept him.he has finally left the house to be with her though he belonging are still here .for the past 8months have been in pains .I need to heal and move on but the process is slow when I remember the other woman am pained.
Hi Trust, thank you for commenting on my article. The only thing I can suggest regarding the other woman is to stop allowing her to have power over your happiness and your life. The thought of her and what she did and said to you is causing you pain – try reminding yourself that she doesn’t hold any power over you. You can decide to start healing and moving on, regardless of what she says or does. It is a long process, but with effort you will get there. Good Luck.
Women who cheat with married men can delude themselves all they want, falling for whatever story the man tells them. I can assure them, they are being lied to. To wives who ignore the red flags of men who perpetually cheat, you have to do the work to determine why you would ever accept that level of disrespect. Men who cheat will cheat again, some just prefer having a wife at home. When they get caught, get thrown out, they will cheat again. You can bet on it.