It’s hard to see the bullying, controlling, and manipulative behavior when you are in a marriage.
But after a divorce you see it all too clear. You see the true reasons that your marriage fell apart. I would like to share 15 ways that I was bullied by my ex at the end of our marriage and throughout our divorce proceedings.
1. He punched his fist through a cabinet door then came toward me and said “you better be glad you are holding the baby right now.” A week after this happened, I secretly met with a judge to discuss how to safely get out of my marriage because I would not allow this to ever happen again.
2. He would take my cell phone away from me whenever he was mad so that I couldn’t call for help or have any contact with the outside world.
3. He removed a pistol from the gun cabinet, along with some ammo, and stated “I’m leaving and taking the kids with me.” I did what I had to do in this situation…I begged him to stay and told him everything he wanted to hear.
4. He stated one time that if I left him, he would wreck his motorcycle and kill himself so the kids wouldn’t have to suffer through a divorce. I’m thinking I should’ve taken him up on this offer.
5. I went and stayed one weekend with my best friend, the first time in 9 years, and left the kids at home with him. He called my friend and asked her why I wasn’t answering my phone and if I was really with her. This happened while we were eating supper at On the Border. Psycho much?
6. While we were still living together, he woke me up at 3:00 am because he was getting ready for work and couldn’t find his other black sock. I told him it was in the dryer and he said “I looked and can’t find it. Get up and find it for me.”
7. He kept the kids for two nights while my father was in the hospital and then tried using that against me during our divorce, stating that he had to keep them because I wasn’t emotionally stable enough. Hello!? My father just died you dick!
8. He called me on the day I buried my father and screamed at me because the funeral program wasn’t how he thought it should’ve been.
9. He told me that if I would agree to 50/50 custody, then he would be nice and drop the custody suit. My response? “Call my lawyer.”
10. If I made him mad the week prior to his weekend visitation with the kids, then he wouldn’t answer the phone and let me talk to them while they were there.
11. After he left he harassed me constantly through text messages wanting to know what I was doing and if I was seeing anyone.
12. He sent me a text message one night while he had the kids that read “you better sleep with a gun tonight.” Then denied that he meant it in a bad way, that he was just worried about me being alone.
13. He sent me a text message whining about how much it was going to cost him to take me through a custody battle and that his lawyer wanted $10,000 up front. He wanted sympathy!! Are you freaking kidding me?!?
14. We had to meet at my lawyer’s office and give depositions. He sent me a text before I arrived that said, “you better not lie.”
15. He told me that he wouldn’t pay more than $500 per month for child support for our two kids and said that I better not fight him on this or he would take the kids away from me. Guess what? He’s paying more.
In the eyes of a narcissistic, controlling bully, nothing is fair unless it goes exactly how they want it to. When I called him and told him to come and get his things out of the house, it wasn’t fair that I got to keep the TV and the couches. It wasn’t fair because he wanted them. It wasn’t fair that I got to keep the washer and dryer to wash the kids’ clothes in because he wanted them. But I remained strong and told him that the judge would decide who gets what out of the house and nothing was leaving until the divorce was final. “But that’s not fair.”
Everything was unfair to him. What he was unable to grasp was what the girls and I were going through. I guess it was fair that he could just up and walk out. It was fair that when he left I was a stay-at-home mom with no income whatsoever. It was fair because in his eyes, I’m the one that did everything wrong. And you know what? That’s ok! I no longer have to worry about what he thinks or how he feels. That’s his problem and it will never be my problem again.
Erica Quantum says
Thank you for sharing this. Between my unstable, gun threatening ex husband and the narissistic father of my child, I can related to all of those 15 things. But to have had them in one package? Yikes. You have your hands full. Sending positive energy to you through the void.
and virtual hugs.
Shamey Winks says
Lol! My psycho ex-bully crazy-glued the buttons on my cell phone to isolate me. What a sick puppy!
Wrong Isabel. Whoever broke the marriage vows should pay and it’s the bully who breaks the vows. If you’ve raised the kids while they “accomplished” something then it should be half. That’s what marriage is.
Isabel Scalzo says
It is not just guys too.. It is both ways, the issue is who has the best interest for the kids(if you have one).. It is not the gender but what kind that person is. The thing is, the first time your other signifiant treat you like an animal,get out.. Don’t wait for it to get worse. Don’t divorce them then try to take half of what they’ve accomplish (monetary issure), saying you deserve it because you put up with him through the years.. That was your decision to put up with him/her, not them!! Don’t let yourself become a victim. What you deserve is your life and dignity.. Don’t use the situation. If you are in doubt, ask yourself: which one do i value.. what i can get from him, or use to hurt him the most, to make myself better OR getting out in one piece together with my dignity.
JazzE One says
This was SO beyond bullying! This is Psycho waiting for the crunkmobile and I’m glad for you that you escaped before that arrived cos that train is never late!
Karen Mowen-Voss says
Ditto!! You can’s see it when your in the midst of it until they pull that one stunt that makes you say “Nope, that’s it”. I related to everyone of the 15 items in some way.
Corina Leal says
OMG! I honestly thought I was the only one going through that. Actually I still am. I still haven’t left and I still deal with those same issues i.e. the ‘wake your lazy a** up and find me my socks’. It’s constant. I know I know I should leave and never look back but I have my babies to think about and knowing him he would just allow people who are questionable around them just to get back at me for leaving. I at least always have them with me and since he loves going out to drink I stay home with them keeping them as safe as I possibly can. The worst thing was when I was 7 months pregnant with our twin girls he started punching my 2 year old toddler and threw me to the ground where I landed on my stomach from trying to defend my child. I called the cops and now he’s on probation and he’s always bringing it up and throwing it in my face how I ruined his life and how hard he has it on probation for something he did! He can’t get a better job, he has to stay in the county limits, he has to pay probation fees. Even his family thinks I’m evil for trying to get help. After everything I’m the bad guy for calling the cops and trying to protect my son and twins who weren’t even born yet. Since then the physical abuse has stopped but the mental abuse hasn’t and it almost everyday and for the dumbest reasons. I could go on and on but at least I know that I’m not the only one and maybe one day I will see the light.
I hope you got out.
My ex continues to bully me everyday. The judge in our town seems to be his good friend as well. I have now lost the right to claim all 3 of my children, place them in the school of my choice, move 43 miles up the road, and place them in extra curricular activities, unless of course we agree on it, and I am custodial guardian. Every other week it seems I am in a telephonic hearing to clarify once again how I can be bullied more. I work and support my beautiful children! They are honor roll students and we enjoy our time together as a family! I spend most of my days wondering what my ex is going to try next?
Cathy Meyer says
Being the custodial guardian doesn’t mean the children’s father doesn’t have a right to be part of the decision-making process in his children’s lives, Carrie. If you have 3 children it only makes sense that those dependents be split amongst parents on taxes. Dad should have input into which school his children attend and, if moving 43 miles away makes it harder for Dad to be a part of their lives, no judge is going to allow that. I’m going to also assume that your ex works and supports the children (child support). What you are describing is co-parenting after divorce, not bullying. Divorce doesn’t mean a father is completely shut out of all aspects of his children’s lives.
this sounds just like my soon to be ex husband! That’s right, it’s their problem not ours anymore! Congratulations on your strength and perseverance to remain strong in your decision for your kids!
What do you do if he’s “established” and you want a divorce? He destroys you mentally daily and you need guidance//help? Its a hard road and one I’ve beenon for over 2 yrs.
My husband bullies me he uses my kids to help him and now my sons girlfriends, I called police on them for their behavior in breaking my belongings and my sons girlfriend hitting my ice tea out of my hand and I told her to get out of my house my husband told them next time she calls police tell them she’s suicidal so they take her away and my sons girlfriend said she was gonna make up that she had marks on her from me which I never touched her, this is what my husband is doing and my family is helping him to abuse me , I cries out for help and no one will help me because he tells everyone I’m schizo and they help him to abuse me too, he’s turned it all into poor him and has everyone helping him abuse me, he put !my teeth through my face and hit me numerous times and no matter who I turn to for help he makes them think its OK what he’s doing to me, he has a cop friend and they help him GPS my car and he’s in all my accounts, he’s a nightmare, and he USS my sons to abuse me and now their girlfriends too, I told my doctor what he does never once did she help me , he thinks its so funny that he has all this power and help in abuysing me, the system does not help you ever , I trust no one because of him so where do you go? No where you stay to be abused and its cause your trapped! Everyone tells you to leave while the abuser gets to abuse you and they help him, sad who these men are! My husband has money and power and my moithger and sisters help him abuse me too, they are as narcassist as him my poor sons are controlled by him Hus abuse and his behavior is now theirs! What do I do no one will help me anyway
katie wilson says
I’ve been divorced 7 years, where he not only wanted the divorce, but I had to move out with the kids and he kept the house, I got nothing! Unlike the old adage that mothers tend to “clean up” in divorce, my ex got it all..because he had a savvy lawyer, he’s a charming malignant narcissist and bullied me behind closed doors to the point I just gave in to shut him up. He recently remarried, and the bullying has picked up again..from scolding me through emails or dictating what I should be doing with my daughter on my visit time. Then he calls my daughter and bullies her about it, which of course undermines me and she’s terrified of him. The new wife is his new ally and she encourages the behavior (according to the kids) ugh! The pathology never ends