Life after divorce from a narcissist can be far more tumultuous than when you were married. After the divorce, life for the narcissist is all about creating drama, drawing attention to themselves and making your life as miserable as possible.
For you, life after divorce is about getting results, civility, co-parenting and attempting to get along with the narcissist.
And that is where you and the narcissist differ. The narcissist doesn’t care about civility, they care about you paying for some unspecified harm you’ve done to them. You’re an ethical person, a narcissist is an unethical person. For this reason, there can’t be a civil relationship post-divorce. The narcissist is going to insist on doing battle and there is no way you can win if you engage in a battle with a narcissist.
There will be no civil co-parenting, there will be no negotiating but you will be besieged with emotional turmoil if you attempt to play fair…which is in your nature to do.
The video above will help you understand what is happening if you’re in the midst of it or, help you prepare for what’s coming if you’re still in the process of divorce.
4 Games Narcissistic Men Play After Divorce
1. They make promises they have no intention of keeping.
This starts during the divorce process. They will sign a divorce settlement agreement promising to do this, that and the other thing with no intention to follow the final divorce decree. If you have a divorce decree that state’s the narcissist is to buy you out of your portion of the equity in the marital home within 9 months, those months will go by with the narcissist taking no steps to buy you out. You’ll be in and out of court attempting to get the narcissist to follow through with the court-ordered promises he made.
That is the method of operation for the narcissist, agree but don’t follow through.
2. They play the victim.
In order to play the victim, he needs a victimizer and, that is YOU. He will tell his sad tale to anyone who will hold still long enough for him to bend their ear. He will use his children, his relatives, your friends, his friends, your family, and his family in an attempt to appear to be the victim in your divorce story.
He needs to smear your name and character in order to play that role and, the icing on the cake, it leaves you with few people to offer you support during a time when you need it most.
Even if he is the one who left and wanted the divorce, he will find some way to become the victim of the divorce. Count on it!
3. They will try to exact revenge.
They will use your children against you. What better way to get revenge on a mother than turn her children against her? Some go as far as completely alienating children from their mothers. It’s not that they want the children but their desire to cause you pain and emotional harm trumps their feelings for their children.
If you’re in a relationship they will do everything in their power to stall that relationship or break it up. The last thing they want is for you to find happiness with another man!
Your narcissistic ex knows you, he knows what you hold most dear in life and, all bets are off when it comes to him using whatever that is the exact revenge on you.
4. They will become very passive-aggressive.
They will appear to negotiate, appear to be concerned, appear to be on board with whatever you need for yourself or their children. Until that is, it comes time to follow through on what they’ve agreed to. They bait and switch you after you’ve given the very information they needed to be able to withhold what you or their children need from them.
This can be very confusing but, expect it!
What can you do about their narcissistic games?
Don’t do what they want you to do…engage with them!
Don’t retaliate! They want to anger you, piss you off, cause you to fight back. They want you to look like the nut. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Whatever he does or says, NEVER let him know that you even noticed he was being an asshole.
Stop expecting recognition of your or your children’s needs. Lower your expectations of your narcissistic ex as low as they will possibly go.
The only way to win the battle with a narcissist is to remove yourself from the battlefield.
I am in the middle of a divorce from a narcissist and it is worse than I could have ever imagined. I never know who will show up at the lawyer meetings – the insane yeller of the overly concerned husband. One minute he is trying to kick me out of the house, next he is so concerned about me and our special needs son. He proposes the most insane settlements – he pays off the minimal mortgage on the house and health insurance for 18 months then nothing – I would qualify for very low cost insurance on the health care exchange. No spousal support, no maintenance for our special needs son that needs lifetime care. He doesn’t want me to get half of his pension’s or the pension annuity or have to give me anything monthly. He wants to move to Florida with no further responsibilities. Crazy thing is both lawyers loved it! NOPE I want half of everything and then support for me and my son, I have been married 38 years and finally got the courage to leave – or have him removed due to threatening to kill me. I follow all the rules, he doesn’t. He goes against the OOP and nothing happens, I question and don’t quickly sign a paper and am told the judge will force me to sign it. What is going on with our legal system??? I have been abused both physically and mentally and it just won’t end. He puffs up his chest and yells and everyone bows down to him. I am told I have the best lawyer for protecting me, I just feel lost in the system and hopeless that I will end up homeless while trying to be my son’s caregiver. It appears that it does not matter that when he was born 26 years ago that I gave up a wonderful career to make sure he received the proper care – learn how to eat, crawl, walk, talk….so much therapy – 4 times a week; that was before they came to your house, I traveled every day to Children’s Memorial in Chicago, constant surgeries, doctors appointments; none of it matters, no one seems to care that I can’t leave him alone to go to work, that my job skills are no longer a value to make a decent wage not to mention the cost of day programs and the hours of them 9-3. How can I keep us afloat? From what I have learned the courts now favor the father! My son is terrified of his father – he witnessed him yelling ‘I’m going to kill you’ then say ‘I am going to get my gun’ and then go to the gun case to get it; fortunately the guns were removed and brought to the sheriffs office for safe keeping. I am being pressured by his lawyer and judge to allow contact. I can’t do it, I have him in therapy and he straight out refuses. They make me out to be the evil wife when all of my son’s life I have put him 1st and always will. I could go on and on. It is such a hopeless feeling and I know it will never end. Don’t get me wrong, I would never go back to what I had, as bad as things are they are better than when he was here. I finally don’t live in that constant anxiety and fear.
Hello
I know exactly how you feel threaten to kick me out of the house we were renting until he decided to leave. I did end up moving out with my boys for my pace of mind. I don’t care what he does with his life. Hes in a relationship now, yet he seen to want to control mine. Hes all about control. I’m moving to LA and of course my 12 yr old goes were I go. His dad does not want the responsibility of taking care of our son. So in order for my ex to allow me to take my son was to take off child support and agree to $500 monthly and I could take our son with me. Its all about control. So I did it yet It conditional. He was not happy about that. Because if he misses one payment I can reopen the case since its only paused. My ex was physically and mentally abusive. A drug user, a cheater and an Alcoholic. Everything in our marriage was my fault. He has never taken responsibility on his actions. My life is so much more happier now then the 22 yrs of hell with my Ex
oh…
I’m in a middle of a Divorce. I’ve also meet someone about 5 months ago and he is so different then my ex. But of course he could move on and yet he still has to feel like hes in control. He wants my kids to interrogate in. Yet I’ve never once asked my kids about his relationship. I explained that to my Ex. My ex did don’t even say to me is it Ok that I introduce our kids to the person I’m now dating. Yet my Ex is making my oldest represent my Ex when he meets my boyfriend and report back to him. When I asked why, he just said’s because I want the well being of our son. I can’t ask him to take our son to his appt because he tells me I’m being controlling. My ex did try to put my kids against me me then my kids notice how rational there dad was acting. My 17 yr old had a talk with there dad and actually told him that He was no longer my husband but the a dad and that is the only part he should be playing. That if I was not getting into his relationship or asking questions then he needs to respect that as well.
I have lived through all of this for years now. I wish I had known all this was to be expected – BEFORE the divorce – and most importantly how to deal with it so that you can come out relatively unscathed, and get what you need thats best for your family. ( please write an article on how to deal with these issues. I am sure that there are many people who would benefit by knowing how to handle these situations and get through all this – because while you’re inside that mess it’s hard to think of solutions.)
I’m at decri nisi stage of divorce Uk, very similar situation to others. He has money but wants me out the family home with son whose 25 with Autism. I been a carer for most of his life and supported the whole family. Typical narc style he sails off in to the sunset playing victim and I am left paying solicitors mega bucks which is a problem.
I have a daughter too she 21 at home. We’re all victims of his evil covert narc ways trying to carry on. It’s so difficult it’s consuming us…He has done so much to us it will need to write a book to explain the trickery of 33 years being brainwashed.
I feel so sad for my kids lost childhood and their trauma there’s so much emotion involved.
I wish I had the knowledge of narsassism sooner I want to shout it out to the world.
Like covid 19 and then Narsassism!
I have been journaling my life with my soon to be ex for over 6 years. As I read back on what started me to journal it brings tears to my eyes. I knew the day I started it that I needed to get out but had no idea how to or if I could possibly survive. I have found my inner strength and my family is healing; yes it is harder than I imagined, my son is (was) in special needs therapy – all canceled due to covid-19 and driving him crazy. I too grieve for what has happened to my children and the 38 years of brainwashing I endured. I sit at these lawyer meetings listening to him boast about what a great guy he is – how he paid for soccer…. all things a normal family does and does not need a pat on the back for; although he did not go to games or tournaments because all the parents were ‘crazy’ and he did not like any of them.
I watch his lawyer cringe at his crazy statements and wonder when this will end. Stuck in limbo due to courts being closed and wishing we could finally end this nightmare and still trying to get him removed as co-guardian to our son. It is a legal nightmare – a Guardian Ad Litem has been appointed; at my expense (I do not have any money and need a public assistance lawyer for this but the judge does not care, he tells me this will cost me $10,000); there is an order of protection for my son and I against my soon to be ex and abuse reported that he has done to my son; but again the judge refused to grant my motion! In the US the legal system helps older men! I know many men feel the opposite but spend a day in my shoes and dealing with this narcissist and you will definitely change your mind. I can’t wrap my head around what I am going through, I just know that life is better without him and during these times of shelter in place I can’t even begin to imagine him being here and what it would be like.