Are you in too much of a funk to give a second thought to fireworks and hotdogs? Holidays…the 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas can be difficult to celebrate if you are without your children. Let’s face it; watching other children in awe of the magic of fireworks isn’t easy when your children are spending the day with their Dad. Your “funk” is understandable!
Surviving 4th of July Without Your Children
How do you get yourself out of a funk?
One thing that has always worked for me is to let go of the guilt I feel over feeling less than celebratory. There is nothing wrong with missing your children, especially if your tradition has been to spend special holidays with them.
It has been my experience that feeling bad about feeling bad only made me feel worse. It was like piling one more negative emotion to deal with on top of everything else. If you are divorced and feeling alone and funked you are experiencing normal feelings. Accept that it is fine to feel how you’re feeling…berating yourself over valid feelings doesn’t do anything except make you feel worse.
You need to also give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday regardless of what kind of adversity you have or, are experiencing. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t have to become a foregone conclusion. Just because you aren’t all red, white and blue is no reason to immerse yourself in maudlin activities while others are out and about enjoying their 4th of July.
Here are a few suggestions that will hopefully help alleviate some stress and help you survive the 4th of July without your children.
1. Don’t participate in any 4th of July activities you feel obligated to participate in. If you aren’t in the mood to be around nosy relatives, then make a different choice. Listening to Grandma’s complaints or having to answer your cousin’s questions about your divorce can be nerve-wracking. Be kind to your nerves and yourself!
2. Friends who supported you through your divorce, who know what you’ve been through will also get you through a lonely holiday. Spend time with people who are invested in helping you get the most out of life…who better than close friends who don’t expect too much from you.
3. If you find yourself alone, remind yourself that you have a right to a good time. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone one year. I wasn’t looking forward to it but now that I look back I realize that, although alone it was one darn good time. Whether it be the 4th of July or any post-divorce holiday alone, treat yourself to something special.
A bubble bath, a day of romantic comedies, a bit of wine and a few chocolates. Maybe even a sparkler or two! Pamper yourself on your day alone and be rested and relaxed for when the kids get home.
Stress and negative feelings during a post-divorce holiday can be difficult, but they don’t have to be debilitating. Making time to relax and do the things you enjoy is essential to keeping a balance. When facing a holiday alone, remind yourself that you have as much right to a good time as anyone else so, relax and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability.
I don’t know of too many non-custodial mom’s who walked away. Most are simply they couldn’t find a way to share custody, fought it out in court, and lost. It happens to dads all of the (most of the) time. I have sole custody and honestly I didn’t win, she lost. The custody deck is stacked pretty heavily in favor of mom’s to begin with. She tried to game the custody evaluators and came off as a parent who was not open and honest and not likely to encourage the kids relationship with the other parent. She probably could have still won except for getting popped for two DUI’s, the second time with the kids in the car and the first time wasn’t disclosed to the evaluators.
The sad thing is that if she was willing to share custody at the start, I believe that we’d be coparenting today. Unfortunately, it’s just not in her DNA. If she would open her eyes she’d see that the posiblity of sharing is still there, but it’s a two way street. She’s see that while on supervised visitation, when her supervision bailed (her mom had to go out of town), she see that me letting her spend the evening with the kids at my house was not controlling her but was helping her. I could have turned her away at the door. She wasn’t legally allowed to drive for Pete’s sake!