Making my “Dream Guy” List (aka Searching For my Renaissance Man)

When I started dating again, I wanted to ensure that I made a better choice in selecting a partner than I did the last time.

Simply looking for a guy that was the polar opposite of my ex husband wasn’t enough. Oftentimes, we women divorce one guy only to marry another just like him. I vowed that this wouldn’t happen to me.

So one day as I was journaling, I started making a list of the traits I was looking for in my new mate. I wanted to find a good man. But what did a good man look like (for me)? It was time to brainstorm.

When I completed my list, I realized that I had described a Renaissance Man—a guy’s guy but one who was also educated, liked to cook, kept a clean house, and lived an orderly life. I’d never thought about it before. That was the kind of man I wanted and it was far different than many of the men I had dated in the past—and certainly nothing at all like my former husband. Hmmm….

I wonder if I had made my list years before if I could have avoided the mistake of my last marriage entirely. Well, lesson learned!

So here is the list I came up with. I encourage you to make your own list. And once you’ve started dating someone who looks promising, start reviewing it often. Don’t ignore big warning flags. Warning flags are good. Heed them and proceed cautiously with eyes wide open.

• Honest & trustworthy: This is the foundation of any good relationship. For me, feeling like my guy and I have each other’s backs, and that we are each other’s biggest advocates, is critical. I need to trust him with my life, with the interests of my children, with all of it. Developing trust and looking for honesty in a relationship takes time. And I’m in no rush, so that’s perfect.

• Emotional health: At my age, most men are divorced and with divorce there is a certain amount of trauma. Some of us have suffered more trauma than others. For me, ignoring that trauma as if it never happened is weird. But has there been a sufficient amount of time between his marriage (or last significant relationship) and “us” that enabled the healing process to run its course? Has he made peace with his last relationship and is now in a good place emotionally to move forward in a healthy way? And this was important for me, too. I needed a sufficient amount of time between splitting from my ex husband and my new relationship. I dated a few guys way too early, but I knew it and I was not going to commit to anyone at that point. It took me almost a year before I was ready for a bigger relationship because that’s the amount of time I needed to heal and move forward. I journaled, prayed, meditated, and participated in support groups. By the time I started dating in earnest, I was ready. And I wanted to ensure my new guy was, too.

• Sobriety: Having lived with an alcoholic, it was vitally important to me that my new guy exhibited no signs of substance abuse. Alcohol consumption was not a warning flag for me, however, excessive consumption and personality changes were.  

• Smart, savvy and intellectually curious: One thing that lacked with my ex husband was communication. After awhile, we ran out of things to talk about. It wasn’t that he was really dumb and I was super smart but we were on different planets when it came to our intellectual interests and pursuits. I liked to talk about current events, politics, social ills, all of it. My ex liked to talk about work and diving and the weather. I soon became completely bored and, because of the alcoholism, the “hot topics” were endless so I spent more time avoiding conversations than mostly anything else. It wasn’t fun or healthy or good. This time, I was looking for a guy who was a great conversationalist on a wide variety of subjects.

• Faith: While the specific religion isn’t important to me, belief in God or a higher power is. I wanted a guy who believed that there was something bigger than us, that there were moral absolutes, and that there was such a thing as “right” and “wrong” (and who tried to live those values).

• Clean and tidy: I’m a very organized girl. I wanted to be with a guy who was as interested as I was in keeping a home clean and tidy and, in my opinion, comfortable. In my marriage, keeping up the home was nearly all on my shoulders—cleaning, painting, paying bills, walking the dogs, putting the laundry away. My ex husband hated all of it and did almost nothing. I no longer had the energy or desire to do it all on my own again. I was looking for a partner, not an observer. I knew that if I ended up in another dynamic like my marriage, it would breed nothing but anger, frustration and contempt.

• Physical fitness and health: While I’m no marathon runner (and since being sick, I am not all that physically fit anymore either), I value healthy living. I love power walking and yoga, massage, eating healthy, and taking care of my physical body. It’s a lifestyle choice and one that I want to share with my partner.

• Humor: I like to laugh and I can be sarcastic. Does a guy “get” my humor? Does he reciprocate? Can he laugh at my (sometimes silly) jokes?

• Family man: Family is the most important thing to me: my children, my parents, my friends. Is he a great dad, son, brother and friend? If he’s failed his kids, that’s a big problem. How does he treat his children and his family? I started watching very carefully.

• Traveler: I love to travel. I love to experience new cultures and learn new things. Does he like to go places, too? Will he go to museums, the symphony, a rock concert, or an interesting restaurant?

• A great fighter: I know this sounds funny but we would need to argue well. That meant no screaming, name calling, and temper tantrums. Sure, things can get heated in the midst of a big argument, but there’s a line that goes from “healthy arguing” to “abusive, bullying, over-the-top” behavior. We also need to be able to talk about tough topics. That means that we work our way through an argument by talking, not texting or emailing each other. I dated a guy a few times who broke up with his fiancé, who was living with him, via text and they never spoke again. My ex husband and I mostly argued via text or email because actually talking our way through an argument meant screaming fits. At all costs, never again.

Dang, I wish I had made this list years ago. The good news is that I had my list now. I think my future relationships will be far different. So far, so good.