In my clinical practice, I have spent the bulk of my career doing grief work. There is a saying amongst practitioners in the field that goes, ‘women grieve, men replace.’ I do believe that is true for some men. Men and change simply just don’t get along sometimes. In my experience, women have more anticipatory grief than men do prior to a loss and aren’t nearly as shocked as their male counterparts when the loss actually occurs. My experience has also shown me that most men have an ability to compartmentalize things in their life better than most women. If something goes wrong, they can decide to focus on something else, whereas women seem to lack the ability to put it in a box and are more likely to be consumed with the problem until they can find a way to problem solve it or develop a method of coping with the issue. Scarlett O’Hara can say she will think about that tomorrow but most women have a hard time actually delaying their worries about a stressor.
Men and Change: Can it Happen?
My ex-husband appeared shocked when he finally noticed the fact that I was unhappy in our marriage. I don’t know why. I had been telling him for years.
There were clues everywhere. For instance, I cried. A lot. I begged him to talk to me. My knees were jagged and bloody from holding up cue cards. I’m not hard to figure out. I’m not cryptic. I am honest and open to a fault most of the time. I even said to him the words, “My next husband is going to talk to me.” He turned over and went to sleep. I cried myself to sleep. But the next day, I cared a little less. On another occasion, I sat up in bed and said the words, “I’m concerned about the state of our marriage and I can’t seem to get your attention about it. We should see a marriage counselor.” He said, “Hmmph” and turned over and went to sleep. Again, I cried myself to sleep. But the next day I cared a little less.
After many years of this, I cared so little that I stopped trying to make it better. I ignored his advances in bed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think I stopped making eye contact somewhere along the way. My disinterest in him was actually what finally got his attention. I didn’t consciously make a decision to ignore him, I think I just accepted that he wasn’t interested in engaging with me or working on our relationship so I quit trying. I stopped caring. One night, as we were getting ready for bed, he said, “I feel like you don’t care about me anymore. Maybe we should see a counselor.” Gee, ya think?
I agreed to find someone and make an appointment, but to be honest, I had given up at least a year before. My heart was not in those sessions because I had already grieved the relationship. He was still my husband but he was not my friend. All those nights of crying myself to sleep was me grieving the loss of my marriage and the realization that our relationship, as lovers, as real partners, was over. There is a limit to the number of times a person can be shut down and shut out before they wrap their heart in cold steel. I grieved, then I wrapped it up.
The therapist asked him if he knew I was unhappy. He said no. I said, “I told you! I told you over and over. I even said the words, ‘my next husband is going to talk to me’!” The therapist said to him, “What did you think when you heard her say that?” He replied, “I thought she was kidding.” The therapist recommended since I was half checked out anyway, that he initiate conversations with me, and even suggested that he ask me to go on dates. She advised me to take a back seat, not to rescue him, and let him show me that he cared and wanted to work on our marriage.
Very late that night, I heard him crying in the bathroom. I had never heard him cry before. I almost went in there to comfort him but remembered that I wasn’t supposed to rescue him. He was supposed to come to me. I made myself stay in that bed. But really I was angry. All the nights I had cried and he had never made an effort to make me feel better. It was too late.
He made some vague attempts to talk to me more but he never did get around to asking me on a date. He told the therapist that he could tell that I didn’t really want to go. She said to me, “Do you want to go?” I said, “I don’t really care.”
He started grieving then. As our marriage was in its final death throes and we were mediating and making plans separately, he suffered. It was sad and hard to watch. He lost weight, had trouble sleeping and started drinking too much. I wasn’t much better but my worry was for children and the logistics of our divorce. My hard grief was over although I will be honest and say that it still rears it’s ugly head on occasion and I grieve all over again for my marriage back when it was good.
Unfortunately, by the time he was ready to work on it, I had buried it already. Too little, too late.
Sounds like just another womans excuse to try to get a divorce from her husband. Why don’t you women just learn faithfulness. You’re not always going to have blissful feelings that’s life learn to live with it. And honor your marriage vows
He obviously should have done better. But… yep. And she’s counseling families!
She was unhappy ,he did not care for years …so she divorced him ! She did the right thing no point in staying in a unhappy marriage , he didn’t care all those years prior so why should he cry now ? He did it to himself by not being her friend …a friend does not turn their back on someone hurting , he turned away from her again and again when the marriage was hurting her …by him doing that he signaled she was not a priority , she was nothing , she was worthless …every time she turned to him …he turned away from her and their bond …her love for him withered on the vine . The only real reason in the end he wanted to half heartedly wanted to work it out was pure laziness on his part …he didn’t want to lose his house keeper aka wife ! She did the right thing if she stayed she would be giving up her happiness to support a self centered emotionally stunted man , she chose to live an authentic life rather than a life of servitude in a fake married .
Apparently you’ve never been in a marriage where your spouse doesn’t care about your feelings at all. Where there are more bad times than good. Eventually, the heart cannot take any more and it curls up in a ball to protect itself from more hurt. This is not a marriage. And it’s not unfaithfulness on the wife’s part to leave. The leaving and unfaithfulness and breaking of vows was done by the thoughtless husband long before the wife checked out (or vice versa). The uncaring spouse is just reaping the harvest of years of sowing disinterest, hurt, anger, and pain.
What if you arr trying to change that now that you know and she wont allow u to make changes
First, “Now that you know?” I assume you know now because she left you… Why is it that you didn’t figure it out when she was crying and pleading for you to change? Why didn’t you figure it out when she was begging you not to hurt her anymore? Why is it that the hurt you caused her was not enough to let you know it wasn’t OK, but only the hurt you felt when she left you?
Second, she doesn’t control you so she can’t “not allow you” to make changes. You are a person who is separate from her and you can change if you want to. The fact that she doesn’t believe the change will be permanent is only a reflection on your past performance. It has nothing to do with what you are capable of in the future. But don’t expect her to be applauding on the sidelines. If true change comes, let it be because it’s the right thing, not because you want to keep her tied to you.
You took too long
Hey she tried… his fault. Gotta be active from the start and not wait until it’s too late. He’s learned his lesson I hope
Pennie, you are one smart lady. Spot on. On my 2nd marriage, & history repeating itself to T !!
My second marriage is ending, and in the middle of a divorce. Your words mirrored my current marriage. Why don’t husbands listen to their wife’s pleas? My husband is a bit self absorbed, so if it did not benefit him directly, he was not that interested. of late, he has told me tht he misses me and will always love me. Yet he has tried to cancel my health and car insurance. I sure do not understand why and what happened.
Going through a divorce now (1st marriage for me)…..same thing, tried talking to him and he had mentally and emotionally checked out. We separated several months back and he acted as if it didn’t phase him (I asked for the divorce). He now tries to communicate with me every 2 weeks mentioning he was thinking of me or misses me. He has also lost a lot of weight and has no life. I tried, God knows I did but 1 partner cannot make a marriage work. Now it’s too little too late.
Me and my husband have been separated for a year now he finally went to rehab and got off all the drugs. In the past he’s beating me and cheated on me. He’s even left me for another girl got her pregnant the second day he was with her and I was 5 months pregnant with our 3rd child. So he went to rehab and now he’s saying he had a spiritual awaking that he loved me all along the drugs was clouding his judgement. I have moved on and have another baby with a wonderful man that is the baby’s father to the girl my husband had a baby with. We’re always happy when he isn’t around but when he comes back around everything changes. I need to know if it’s too late like it was for you
Me and my husband have been separated for a year now he finally went to rehab and got off all the drugs. In the past he’s beating me and cheated on me. He’s even left me for another girl got her pregnant the second day he was with her and I was 5 months pregnant with our 3rd child. So he went to rehab and now he’s saying he had a spiritual awaking that he loved me all along the drugs was clouding his judgement. I have moved on and have another baby with a wonderful man that is the baby’s father to the girl my husband had a baby with. We’re always happy when he isn’t around but when he comes back around everything changes. I need to know if it’s too late like it was for you
This article describes the end of my marriage to a tee. The last year of it, I cried so much. My ex even found me in the bathtub crying and when he asked why, I told him he was treating me like he did when he cheated (it was early on in our marriage and the only one I knew about). He noticed that I didn’t spend the night in our bed and never tried to figure out why – when he found me once, I told him it was because I couldn’t be in the same room as he was because I was so distraught – he later said he thought I was just having trouble sleeping. He didn’t pay attention until I started avoiding him and spending nights at friends’ houses on the weekends just so I could breathe. When I told him I didn’t want to be married any more and pointed out all the instances he had ignored me and pushed me away, as well as other things (there was emotional and verbal abuse as well), he decided to become super husband, except rather than actually listen to me and what I wanted, he chose to try and do everything he didn’t do for 20 years. He didn’t realize that I wanted him to listen to me which, at that time, was to have space and time to figure out what my next step was. I agreed to counseling and went to the first one, where the therapist asked if I was havinga mid-life crisis. I didn’t go again. He wanted to talk when I didn’t and I put up that boundary.. he trampled all over it, then got mad when I enforced it. The final straw was screaming and swearing at me in a mall parking lot in front of our adult kids. Because he wanted to discuss things and I told him it was neither the time nor the place.
Bob, it is black and white thinking like that which causes people to end up alone.
This article is where the black and white thinking lies… I am sure the author has accurately told her perceptions and experience. However, these things are rarely one sided. It’s a huge tell that she doesn’t take responsibility for a single thing leading to the breakdown in her marriage.
It is rather more telling that you can’t see the two paragraphs where she details her part in the breakdown. She states that she stopped caring and when she stopped caring she stopped trying, leading to the final breakdown. But men never hear what women say, I guess. Her heart was broken, and all the love leaked out. After getting broken again and again, she stopped caring. That is the only way to stop the breaking of the heart. I guess the takeaway is that if your wife is crying and asking you to listen and asking you to care and you do not, well, eventually it will be too late. And then you will say, “well she didn’t take responsibility for her part.” Okay. Okay, then.
It was the lack of communication for years on her husband’s end , he routinely dismissed her and shut her down …where there is no real equal and respectful communication there is no resolution to relationship issues …that begets unresolved conflict which results in resentment …which results in loss of trust and respect = divorce
I’m just crushed…. 1 yr and this is where I am…. why won’t they listen??? I tried to tell my 1st husband 13 yrs ago…. He still hasn’t managed to even date . NOW , I’m seeing the writing on the wall . I try to tell him …. but I can’t be both sides of us … his harsh words and belittling regards and cutting me off religiously. Lies …CONSTANTLY. Wasn’t faithful for 31/3 of 5 yrs. Yet like a small tiny boy… there is only one true consequence… they don’t care if they break their toy… just don’t take it. Its theirs! Why won’t they listen?
“Another excuse” woman honor more things than a man does in marriage it seems, Bob have you had counseling? Orrr did your wife leave you to because your always right?
1. Bob is bitter because now he has to clean up after himself and do his own laundry ,cooking and grocery shopping .2. Bob’s a tightwad who’s bitter because he now has to fork over $$$ for a housekeeper . 3. Bob has let himself go and can’t find a woman who is interested in relationship with a know it all who can’t handle a give and take relationship, Bob’s motto it’s my way or the highway .
The woman honored her vows. The man did not honor his. What did you think that whole, “love, honor, cherish” thing he promised was all about?
Ignoring her concerns is not loving.
Disrespecting her is not honoring.
Showing no consideration for her is not cherishing.
He is a faithless dog, and now that he’s facing consequences for his disgusting behavior, he’s going to paint himself as a victim? Lol, no. That just doesn’t wash.
Just look at all the angry men commenting …they’re all just disgruntled because they have to do their own grunt work …laundry, cleaning ( if the do ), cooking ….their wives were right to escape, men change in a marriage some grow and some become arrogant about the marriage and when a wife notices it and brings it to their husband to try to work on issues together things when it starts to go wrong the wife is dismissed , their wife is a nothing …it’s only when the wife changes falls out of love that men notice and say my wife changed she’s not the same person … the house keeper the door matt, piece of furniture I once knew ….it’s then that it’s over fellas because you had changed for the worse years ago and never self reflected enough to notice the relationship started to fail back then . The deep hurt ,anger and bitterness you felt was she left you was what felt for years . Never be arrogant and too sure of yourselves men .
Been through this exact situation. I was so loving, and caring to him; I don’t know what I did wrong. He started ignoring me for coworkers, and his interest was just anywhere and everywhere except for me, he couldn’t even give me 20 minutes of his time. I cried. He rolled his eyes. I talked, he was apathetic toward me, but empathetic to his coworkers. Somewhere along the lines I stopped caring. No more tears. No more trying to talk to him. I didn’t bother him when he played hours with his coworkers right after work… I stopped caring about sex. I became a roommate. Suddenly, he changed. I keep asking him why. His response was, “I saw how unhappy you were.” It’s crazy because I’ve been so unhappy for YEARS and tried speaking to him about it. It was like the tears, the talks, and more were just… ignored? I don’t know. He said he never noticed me crying, but I cried in front of him. Now I’m just sitting wondering what I should do. The past is constantly haunting me, and I can’t put my heart in harms away like that again. I’m scared that if I let my guard down, he’ll jut go right back to his previous self. He keeps saying, “Have faith in me.” I did at one point, and you spat on it time and time again. Why did it have to take for him to drop kick my heart into a million pieces and forcing me to be on the edge of breaking up for him to come around? Now he’s the man I always wanted and was when we started dating, and it hurts that the passion is gone for me. I’m trying my best to rekindle the flame within me, but.. nothing is the same. I love him, but I don’t care at the same time. This makes me sad.
Yessss so very true!!!! If you’ve never lived it you have no idea the magnitude of harm it does to your soul!
MY EX BOYFRIEND IS BACK AFTER FEW MONTHS OF BREAKUP..
(Revive broken relationship/marriage)……………..
Win back Ex after breakup and make it unbreakable,…
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everything worked out like magic…
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Never too late to fix your broken heart.
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Fix broken relationship/marriage…
Solve Infidelity issues.
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Keep up the good work, I appreciate you