I wasn’t able to be the mom they wanted or needed me to be because I was spending all my time and energy just keeping the growing pile of ash from suffocating me and my kids.
The word DIVORCE brings to mind two words: Pain and Guilt.
And when you are facing a divorce from a Covert Narcissist you can multiply the impact of those two words by 100. If you also have children with this man, you can go right ahead and multiply by Infinity.
As moms, our main goals in life are to Love, Nurture and Protect our children. Divorce will make it much more “difficult” to achieve those goals. But, when you’re embroiled in a divorce with a Covert Narcissist, those three basic goals become downright impossible.
After a divorce, we face many challenges.
Whether we wanted it or not.
Whether we think we’ll be better off divorcing, rather than staying in a miserable marriage.
Whether we think our kids will be better off living in two separate homes, rather than one where two people are always fighting.
It Doesn’t Matter!!!
Our life and our children’s lives have basically gone through a paper shredder during divorce. We are left with all these scraps and most of our energy is focused on putting back together as many pieces as possible. And we want to do all of this, as quickly as we can. We want to stop all the pain, as fast as we can, and move forward on the road to recovery. Our natural instinct is to fix our children’s broken lives.
But, Sweet Mama, I am sorry to say, you will soon realize, this is one of the hardest challenges in your life. And, if your ex is a Covert Narcissist you’re gonna realize he took those shreds of paper and burned them so, now you’re faced with a pile of ash.
Shortly after my divorce, I was very confident in my ability to paste all those shredded pieces back together. I am a perfectionist and was very eager to get started. I knew I could do it and I was determined to do everything I had to do, in order to be the best single mom I could be. I knew it would be hard, my lifestyle was about to change drastically, but I was up to the challenge. I designed a plan of how I could fit those jagged pieces back together into a decent resemblance of a good life for me and my kids.
And then, within weeks of my divorce being finalized, my ex took me back to court.
He broke all of his verbal promises. He disregarded legal orders. He eluded law enforcement. He manipulated the laws that were meant to protect me and my kids, to solely benefit him. He chose a lifestyle that was not healthy for our kids to witness. The separate “home” he was providing for our kids was extremely toxic on many levels. He confused and poisoned our kid’s minds by spinning lies into masked truths.
Suddenly, I was handed a whole new pile of ash. BUT, I hadn’t designed my plan to work with this pile of ash!
I had no idea what to do or even where to begin.
And, my ex just kept creating a bigger and bigger pile. So, even though I was determined to do anything I had to do, in order to be the best single mom I could be for my kids these unexpected events left me disoriented, fragile, and unable to help my kids when they need me the most. I wasn’t able to be the mom they wanted or needed me to be because I was spending all my time and energy just keeping the growing pile of ash from suffocating me and my kids.
Unfortunately, that meant my kid’s lives remained terribly broken. Even though I could justify the reason I wasn’t able to help my kids, was because my ex-husband’s actions continued to make it virtually impossible for me. It Didn’t Matter.
The bottom line was, my kids were suffering.
And they didn’t want to hear any justifications. They didn’t want to hear any excuses.
They were facing the deep pain their Narcissistic Father was causing them and they certainly didn’t appreciate I couldn’t rise above my own pain to protect them. To help them. They needed me and I failed them. I couldn’t rise above the ash. It is really hard for a mom to admit they failed their kids. The guilt is absolutely overwhelming.
I hope one day my kids can forgive me. But, before that can happen. I will have to forgive myself first.
Is there a way to finally put an end to such thing. Courts allow this type of abuse and it’s taking over my life. Who knows how to actually put an end to this abuse.
Esther, when I sat down to answer your poignant question, I was deeply motivated to write an article to address your concern. Please look for it… I will be submitting it shortly.
xoxo,
Lorilyn
You just described EXACTLY in words what has happened to me as well. The normal population has NO IDEA what a terrible thing it is to deal with a narcissistic ex. Mine continues to try to destroy at all levels. Been 4 years and he hasn’t seemed to lose steam yet…. courts don’t help, they don’t understand other than they believe because he’s the father he deserves “rights”. No protection from the harsh emotional abuse he continues to dish over and over using our children as pawns to serve it directly on my platter. Your post was refreshing to know I’m not alone. Thank you and God bless.
Gina, unfortunately you are most definitely NOT alone. This is an awful reality for many. As I stated in my reply to Esther’s question above, I’m going to take a good look at “why” this terrible situation continues to haunt many of us post-divorce. Hang-in there!!!
xoxo,
Lorilyn
I too am struggling with a scenario so similar to this I would swear the article was about me. My ex is relentless – and I am emotionally drained constantly. I wish I was stronger and I wish he didn’t continue to affect myself and my girls the way he does…it truly is heartbreaking.
Thank you for sharing your story…
Sending Love and Support to you and your girls!!! xoxox
It’s 1AM and I’m still up scouting the internet for evidence that I wasn’t alone in this. My covert narcissistic ex has made me feel like a failure at every turn which turned me into an emotional train wreck. I lay in bed often thinking how I failed my two teen sons. I feel like the ex has never given me time to breathe or just have a moment of normalcy in the four years since divorce. I used to be a great mom and I feel like I have not done anything right since. Courts do not care. No one understand the emotional damage that a covert narcissist does unless they’ve been on the receiving end of it. I am wondering if I can even fix all the damage I feel I’ve done by not being strong enough or resilient enough for my kids.
Hi Cristi…
I wrote this article and I wish I had an easy answer for you.
All we can do is be kind and forgiving to ourselves and continue to be loving to our children.
I believe the foundation we were able to build prior to our high conflict divorces, will endure.
Eventually there will be a time for healing and one day we’ll regain our strength & re-build upon that foundation.
I hope that makes sense…
It is truly a long and bumpy road, but when your kids get older… they start to see things more clearly and then things begin to slowly get better. Hang in there… you’re not alone!! xoxox
I’m feeling the same exact way. I try and be gentle with myself. It has been hell and he isn’t letting up. Relentless attacks and manipulations. It is so exhausting to constantly have to read between the lines and try and stay a step ahead, but I can’t. I just pray everything else in my life doesn’t fall apart while I try to keep standing from his attacks. I wish others really understood. Maybe they would help more, maybe the system would help us more. I feel so powerless.