It was a beautiful Spring day. We had a house with four acres, and I loved landscaping and gardening. With that love every season I had a lot of yard work. The kids were at school and my plan was to work in the yard all day. My husband and I spoke several times everyday. He was at work in an office setting, so our conversations primarily consisted of me telling him my whereabouts.
It was afternoon and I was exhausted, smelly and hungry. My husband (whom I am naming Tim) asked if I enjoyed my day, and he knew from our conversation three hours prior that I had been in our yard all day gardening. Tim proceeded to tell me he had just gotten a call from our friend Bob. Bob had returned back from lunch at a restaurant (that I had never been to because I felt it was too expensive) and told my husband that he saw me at the bar drinking with a man. Bob just wanted to check with Tim to see if everything was okay with us. Tim then asked me if I was ready to “COME CLEAN” – “I won’t hold it against you, it will even the score, Mary.”
I was finally sick of my husband’s repeated requests to come clean, constantly being accused of being someplace, with another man, having a great time cheating on my husband to “even the score.” My husband truly felt that this was the way to fix our broken marriage.
That day, I decided for the first time to do something I never had done before. I called Bob:
Mary: Hi Bob it’s Mary.
Bob: Hi Mary what can I do for you.
Mary: Tim called me and said you saw me at a restaurant today having lunch and I just wanted to let you know it wasn’t me, I have been gardening all day.
Bob: I’m sorry Mary, I haven’t spoken to Tim in months. Last time I saw you guys we were all together at Paul’s house. Tim must have confused me with someone else. Gotta go Mary.
Mary: You’re right, I must have misunderstood, see you soon Bob.
I was speechless. For 18 years I had lived defending myself over places I had never been with people I had never been with, having conversations I never had. I called my husband Tim, and he asked again if I was ready to “come clean”. I told him that I just got off the phone with Bob, and he was furious.
“How could you call Bob? I can’t believe you would bring him into our marital problems. Putting Bob on the spot for seeing you. How can you show your face around him again?” I wasn’t surprised at his reaction – every time I called my husband out he would lie. And each time I caught him in a lie – my perfect world was chiseled away.
I never had anything in my marriage to come clean about and the accusations were becoming an everyday occurrence. I defended myself and felt like I was going crazy. I had gotten use to this behavior, and over the years it deteriorated my self esteem. I second guessed myself all the time. I was always on guard with everyone.
After this day, I started finally seeing my husband in a new light, with the sad realization of who he was as a person, and the true state of my dysfunctional marriage.
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