Narcissists are drawn to certain types of people, and they recognize someone who has already been “primed” through previous abuse in marriage. So, it’s no wonder that I grew up with a narcissist mother and married an even more narcissistic sociopath. Narcissist mothers are emotional terrorists, but they seem especially obsessed with destroying their daughters and daughters-in-law. Your mother is supposed to be someone you can trust, but narcissist mothers start female rivalries that are worse than anything you will ever experience from the mean girls at school. They will become your biggest bullies. They do not see you as a daughter to love and cherish. They see you as another woman to compete with. They will destroy every happy moment in your life. The narcissist mother believes her daughter only exists as an extension of herself. You aren’t a child; you are an accessory. Everything is about HER.
A narcissist can be very intense in the beginning of a relationship and bombard you with love and attention, and placing you on a pedestal. It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist. However, his true personality starts to reveal itself as the wife endures his criticism, insults, possible beatings or other forms of abuse in marriage. Narcissists hate us, and when we catch on to them like I finally did with my husband, they hate us even more. They also hate each other, but since we know what they are, we are enemy number one. They will very gladly gang together to throw us under a bus. They will also use each other to triangulate and hurt us, to destroy our self-esteem and make us feel dependent on them. They want us to think we don’t deserve anything better. Unfortunately, many women who divorce a violent abuser learn that their abusive mothers join the court battles against them to side with their abusers. What a slap in the face when your original abuser supports the next one, and you are fighting both at once to protect yourself! Two predatory people calling their joint victim “crazy,” because you know abusers always call their victims “crazy!” I don’t know what scares me more the anger and terror I used to see in my soon to be ex-husband or the silence that now exists between us.
Did you know that calm, rational level-headedness is a form of abuse in marriage, which the abuser uses to make you look crazy and out-of-control, after slowly and methodically driving you there. Once they get you to the breaking point, they get a sick-kick out of watching you ‘lose it’, all while they are remaining calm and ‘keeping it together’. Narcissists ‘remain rational’ and composed just to taunt you and to further aggravate and agitate you and the situation they have created. Narcissists drive you crazy for a two-fold reward:
ONE) they get to feel supreme over you and your emotions, simply because they are not overly reacting as you are. They are ‘so much better’ than you.
TWO) they get to corral people to their side and turn them against you by making you look out-of-control and just as crazy as they have been claiming you are. By doing this, they make you appear incapable of having a rational opinion of them, “don’t listen to her, she’s nuts!”
First, they get to feel superior over their victim by remaining ‘normal and in-control’ and they further shatter and madden their victim’s already distraught condition by making the victim feel and appear just as crazy as the abuser is claiming they are. The abuser remains ‘unmoved’ and ‘untouched’ by the hellish circumstances (that they have created) and then the narcissistic abuser uses this composed, rational attitude and behavior to feel supreme over their victim, and to provoke even more pain and a deeper reaction in their victim. “See, it’s not me — it is you.”
Secondly, narcissists drive you crazy and act calm themselves to make you look crazy to show the world (and themselves) that it is you and your views that are distorted, and not the narcissist himself. “Don’t pay any attention to what she says! See, she obviously is nuts!”
See, narcissists look at their romantic partners as rivalries and their relationships as ‘wars’; and in any war against a rivalry there must be a winner (the narcissist) and there must be a loser (their victim). They like to get as many people usually friends and family on ‘their side’ and as their allies very soon in the war — just in case somebody else just might happen to believe the victim’s stories about the narcissist. If the narcissist can convincingly say the victim is unstable then surely these people won’t believe anything she rattles on about. The number one priority for a narcissist is to get everyone on their side leaving the victim all alone. The narcissist will say look at me “I am commendable for having to endure this woman. Don’t listen to a word she says, but believe me — and feel sorry for me.”
As a bonus, the narcissist won’t believe her, either. In his mind, he remains perfect and without flaw. Better to blame her way of thinking than to be at fault himself. If he can drive her crazy than her poor opinions of him will hold no merit. After all, she’s crazy.
But what better way to make one believe that someone is crazy, than making them crazy! Abusive narcissists drive you crazy with ease. They have perfected this tactic. Because the narcissist quickly goes from Prince Charming to the Prince of Darkness in a relationship, this overnight transformation alone is enough to make their victim question their very own sanity or ‘act out’ as I chose to do. The constant drip-feed of abuse and subtle manipulation of the victim eventually weakens the victim’s composure. A Narcissists will drive you crazy — from the very first date to falling in love to the very last one where he unexpectedly and for the second time attempts to divorce you and leave you penniless and alone. I bet you didn’t know it was all a big setup, his plan all along, did you? I sure didn’t and wish I had had someone along the way to warn me all the loss I would encounter at his expense and his wishes. If you are married to a narcissist and finally decide to leave the toxic situation, the narcissist will blame you for the failed marriage and bad parenting (they have no qualms about blatant lying) to “win” in court. Despite the battle that will ensue, the healthiest thing you can do is to avoid or significantly limit the exposure you must the narcissist.
Brandi, I was looking up “abuse by an ex” and your article came up. I feel like you are writing my story. I froze after I read the part about your child being an accessory. My ex husband treats my son like that. I have, in fact, used that exact term since a few months after he was born! This was last year, but I can just say that, please, please, please set the boundaries now! Do NOT deviate from the custody agreement! He will continue to manipulate you in such subtle ways. Get financially on your own ASAP! Stick to the custody agreement, for the sake of your children. No matter what, do not allow him to watch your children when it is your parenting time. Find anyone else to help you. He will feel power over you if you ask for the least bit of help. Get lots of support from your friends and family and lean on them! Any material items you have together, just let him have it if he wants to argue. When you do the right thing, it always works out so don’t worry about furniture or a coffee maker etc. The only thing that matters is that you and your children are safe and happy.
Brandi
Thank you for sharing your story, you were also sharing mine. I’m soooo sorry you and your girls have gone through this. Hopefully by now things are settled. My divorce took 4 years and my daughters are 4. I’m just starting to heal but don’t know where to start I was violated my soul. So picking up the piece have been hard but I’m very happy I’m free. Keep writing that will help you and all of us out here. I wish I could write I heard the therapy in that alone brought so much healing. But I need to write a book.
Stay strong and I hope your lil ones are with u
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Brandi. I read it with my mouth wide open. It sounds exactly like my story, except that I am the victim, my ex (finally) is the narcissist and I’m almost positive he has a Narcissist Mother. She only speaks Italian, and I speak it, but not well. Their mother-son relationship was unhealthy. He was her pet. He put his mom before me, always. He’s a mama’s boy for sure and yes, she would definitely lie under oath and do anything for her son (my ex). She pretends she loves me, but she’d feed me to the lions to save her son if she had to.
Anyway, I started reading about Gaslighting. I heard the name but I never knew what it was about. It’s when the narcissist/sociopath slowly begins to make you think yo’ure going crazy. I’ll give you one of many examples of what was done to me by my ex-husband. A t night, I take my (very expensive) eyeglasses off and put them on the nightstand next to my bed before I go to sleep. So one morning, they weren’t there. I lgot up and they were on my dresser. Next morning, same thing, they were on a different dresser, next morning they disappeared for a few days, then reappeared for one day next to my bed then disappeared forever. He started convincing me in such a way that I needed mental help. He almost got me, but he didn’t. But with me misplacing my meds, he got me there. It was sick. He’s a sick SOB.