Non-anniversaries? Sure, they exist – at least for me.
Nine years ago today we met for the first time.
Six years ago today we said our vows to each other at a friend’s house. We did not even make it four years. I figure two and half years ago his emotional affair started. And he was done.
I want to know why he gave up but I will never get that answer. Most likely when he is ready to tell me, I will not care anymore.
I cried at work as I finished my tax return online. I cried as I closed the door behind my son as he went to his dad’s for the night. I will most likely cry more tonight.
I have been calling this my first of many non-anniversaries. I texted a friend earlier and said “I can’t stop the water from flowing from my eyes”. His response “the deeper the wound the greater the recovery and growth”, which has helped me. Then he said, “ You are probably further along [in healing] than you know”. Which probably is true also.
It still hurts. I try to figure out why I cry. Is it because of the love that is no longer there or the loss of the expectation of forever and making it work as a team through whatever life throws your way? I suspect it is a little of both.
I want to be at a place where I am thankful for being released and open to the person that will love me unconditionally and will understand loyalty and that marriage is a team. I think I am there most of the time or almost there.
I do not want to over think anything today. I acknowledge my melancholies. I will catch up on a few TV shows and hopefully go to bed at a decent hour.
Tomorrow is a new day and I get to start fresh.
P.S. I have a date next week! Can the freak out start now?