Have I reached writer’s block? Or maybe I have just reached the feeling of. “speechless”.
I just don’t know what to talk about anymore as it relates to me, myself, and I. And I don’t like this feeling. But I want to try. I need to try. I need to lean into a new headwind and start writing!
I seriously have to remind myself that I am over 60 now, I swear I still feel 40. Could this just be the bookmark that I have put in place for 20 years as I prioritized raising my family by myself over simply raising myself?
Meeting the Man of My Dreams
Last night I had a dream and in that dream was a cast of characters I haven’t spoken to or even thought of in 20 years. I woke up feeling like it was a place holder to a time and person that I was so long ago. But as I woke up, I soon realized that time has not stood still for me. It just kept on moving…it just couldn’t wait that long. I am still working as hard as I did 20 years ago and for the first time, I don’t feel my effervescent self that always, always carried this hope inside that one day I would have total security in myself and meet the man of my dreams.
Someone to share time, life, and family with. Someone who would be intellectually stimulating and goofy and fun at the same time. Those that did cross my path over the years were a waste of my time, of my beauty and my youth and I was never important to them. But maybe they were supposed to have crossed my path for some reason. One day, I hope I find out that reason. One day I hope I find out the reasons for a lot of “stuff” I had to endure alone.
A reader of one of my earlier articles once told me that I should seek therapy because I was hashing and rehashing my divorce and my apparent broken heart. In the end, I actually agreed with her but was sad that she was shaming me for my latent grief. It was just my personal story and feelings. You see, I became divorced as a result of infidelity and I was suddenly a single mom when my two children were an infant and toddler.
I was not expecting to be abandoned. I just didn’t see it coming.
So, I surrounded myself with high achieving friends and family who wouldn’t allow me to grieve for one minute let alone 20 years. So, I didn’t. I just pushed through it all and heeded the call that all overachievers strive for…that is …to succeed at whatever life throws at us!
But in that process, I learned how not to feel. And 20 years later I am really really good at it. I learned that my feelings will never supersede my children’s needs. They needed me more than my need to stop the bus and get off and take a breath. So, I never did. Sadly, to my surprise, or not… I have realized how proficient I have become at suppressing my own needs.
I learned to be the best employee because I had to succeed.
I learned to be the best mom I could be. They only had one parent every day and I was it.
I learned to be the best ex-wife (though I’m certain he would disagree) and have never to this day even met the woman he left us for and eventually married.
I learned that when I had to allow him to take the kids on his weekends, that I could just close the door to my world, aka… bedroom upstairs, and stay there until they were brought back home to me. I simply couldn’t function without my infant and toddler in those early days. They were taken to the home of a woman I had never met, and it nearly killed me.
I lost copious amounts of weight due to lack of sleep and nutrition in those early days too. It was all so unnatural and so unnecessary. And it was cruel.
Stuffing My Grief
But I learned to stuff away my grief. My infant daughter is now 21 years old and we spoke of this recently. She is in a relationship of her own now and told me she didn’t know how I could have survived that. She is now old enough to see how terrifying that must have been for me.
She also said she never felt my sadness or trauma. Her memories are joyful every time they would come home after the weekends away at their dad’s house. They were joyful too because I felt so happy to see them. There was simply nothing natural about handing over two children so very young to a man who wanted out of the job and to a strange woman who was a reason for this to be so destructive and traumatic.
She remembered who she was, and the game changed. Lalah Delia
It has taken a Herculean effort to reach the stage I am at after so many years not just as a single mom, but as a single woman.
Being The Best I Can Be
I was brought into this world as a twin so there is nothing natural for me to be single in any way. I was always one of the twins. I am the Karen to my twin sister Sharon. I am also one of five children. A family chorus chocked full of overachievers as I literally held court to a brother who is a Superior Court Judge, and to a sister who was a school Principle and author of ten books. Check her out at www.meriamwilhelm.com My other two sisters were super successful in their respective fields in education and law and they have all raised another generation of successful engineers, nurses, movie executives, and medical school students. We all learned to be the best we could be at all times and we shared this need with our children I suppose.
I had to call upon my roots to survive those early days as a newly single mom and now as I navigate myself to this possible last chapter of my life. I guess you could say that I saved the best for last. At least I am planning on saying that!
So, to that point which that woman made about me, I am indeed taking her advice and talking now. I am taking the universe’s advice and I am getting myself out there…on every level possible too.
My once infant daughter will be going away to college this summer. My once toddler son will be embarking on new directions and adventures as he works in the US Congress. And I myself am stretching my career of the past 30 years in the hospitality industry by joining various advisory boards, participating in foundation positions, and guest speaking at colleges. And I am still growing and stretching in my new passion too.
I am now a Life Coach to divorced moms and I am about to start a teaching position within that realm. What I learned over the past 20 years is that I still have something to say and something to share. I am still valuable. I am still whole. I am just a different kind of whole.
And though I still do hope to be a “we” to my current “me”, I want to take what I learned from my ex-husband and from the men I dated over the years and expect nothing less than what I deserve. I am a woman of integrity, intelligence, compassion, and loyalty. I am a catch! And by virtue of my sacrifices and priorities, I do believe I deserve to be loved, cared for, and important to someone.
So maybe I am not stuck. Maybe I don’t have writer’s block after all. Maybe I found more words and wisdom to share. As I end every article I write for DivorcedMoms.com, my goal is always to help just one woman, to convince her that she is amazing every day. Even when she isn’t feeling it all the time. No one thing or one person has your permission to take your power away.
I’m a Single Parent! What’s your Superpower?