If you were married to him, you know what I’m talking about. If you have divorced a passive aggressive you SURELY know what I’m talking about. If you weren’t, be on the look-out because chances are you will cross paths with a passive aggressive man.
Who is the passive aggressive man? He is that guy who avoids responsibility and conflict through passivity and withdrawal. He is the “Nice Guy” who reels you in with his adoration and once you are in the game he turns the tables so quickly your head will swim until you decide to take a hike.
But what is passive aggressive behavior and how do you recognize passive aggressive men?
5 Reasons the Passive Aggressive Man’s Love Comes With a Big Price Tag
He…
Withholds to Punish:
He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. What better way to punish than withholding something he knows you want?
Fears Conflict:
He will do anything to keep from arguing with you. He has been taught that anger is unacceptable. Well, expressing anger in an open, honest way is unacceptable and is not something you will get from this guy. What you will get is a relationship with a man who avoids solving relationship problems, avoids taking responsibility for problems in the relationship and most importantly avoids making an intimate connection with you.
Why? A passive aggressive man will always choose to avoid conflict because he has come to experience conflict or disagreement as terrifying. He may have a great desire to connect with you emotionally but they don’t have the tools required for them to do so. For this reason, the retreat from those they love because of their fear that something will go wrong or they will be rejected.
In other words, they forfeit a relationship they long for, out of fear and, basically cause their worst fear to come true. Not only do they break your heart, they break their own heart by constantly giving up on relationships. When your passive aggressive husband starts avoiding conflict, it’s the beginning of the end of his emotional attachment to you and the relationship.
Plays The Victim:
This poor guy can’t win for losing; not in his mind anyway. He will not show for a dinner date but find it unreasonable that you are upset. It is, after all, his bosses fault for making him work late. He could have picked his cell phone up and called but calling isn’t nearly as pleasurable as letting you sit and wait. You waiting on him gets his angries out at you.
He gets to punish you and blame his boss…he is off the hook, a “good guy” who is the victim of an unreasonable woman AND boss who both expect too much from him.
How does the passive aggressive benefit by playing the victim? When they play the “poor me” card it elicits other’s sympathy and offers of help. He enjoys being noticed and validated in such a way. Being a victim is also a great excuse for not confronting difficult life issues…avoiding conflict, again.
If he is viewing himself as a victim he can remain passive and not be held responsible for his bad behavior. This enables him to shift responsibility for his own misery off onto you.
As long as he is holding onto the victim role he puts himself in a low-risk, take no chances position. It’s all your fault since it’s your fault you should be the one to fix the problem! He is off the hook.
Is Forgetful:
He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, anything important to you will be forgotten by him. My ex used to forget he needed something from me until the last minute. If there was a social event related to his work, I would get notice the day before. I spent a lot of time running around trying to prepare for something in a few hours that would normally take days.
Is Afraid of You:
They want you but they don’t want to become attached to you. He is in a constant battle with himself to pursue you then distance himself from you. According to Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression – From the Bedroom to the Boardroom.
The passive aggressive man is “unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn’t depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battlegrounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.”
You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.
And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship. He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy. All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send.
That is why they call it “crazy-making” behavior. The passive aggressive man is very good at appearing to be calm, cool and collected while you are going off the deep end. It isn’t his intent to frustrate, offend or cause you to feel guilty. He truly does only want to help.
The only issue, the kind of help he has to offer comes with a price. He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion.
Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low.
FAQs about Passive Aggressive Behavior:
Who is a passive aggressive man?
A passive aggressive man lives to avoid responsibility and runs away from conflict no matter how important its resolutions may be for his relationship. A passive aggressive man can also be recognized by his incredible passivity and withdrawal. He is that Mr Perfect who would make you fall in love with him head over heels. You will be shell-shocked once he reveals his true colors.
Why does he reject me sexually?
A passive aggressive man may reject you sexually after having avoided a conflict with you or agreeing to do something he didn’t like. For example, he may go to a movie with you although he was never in the mood. Later, you may find him punishing you by rejecting you sexually. His passivity did not allow him to accept that he did not want to go with you. Out of his fear of conflict, however, he would have to punish you in covert ways for making him do something he did not want.
Why does a passive aggressive man avoid conflict?
Out of his deep-rooted fear of conflict or disagreement, a passive aggressive man will always avoid conflict. A passive aggressive man is incapable of emotionally attaching himself with his partner—no matter how great that desire may be. He will turn away from those he loves simply because he fears rejection or something going terribly wrong.
Why does the passive aggressive man play the victim?
The passive aggressive man plays the victim card for sympathy and help. Being the victim is a great excuse for not confronting difficult life issues. A passive aggressive man also wants to be validated and noticed by playing the victim.
Do passive aggressive men confuse you?
Passive aggressive men do confuse you and make you feel very angry. The worst part of it all may be that you question yourself why you feel anger toward him.
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Thank you…
This was the first artictle I read that described my soon to be ex-hubster exactly. It was eye opening, earth shattering and all those other lovely descriptions.
It was so nice to see in black and white that I was not crazy (fully). I even shared it with him and suggested he discuss with his shrink.
Thank you
Hey “to have and to hold”, thanks for commenting, appreciate that. Thanks for sharing it with your husband. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that he gets it but, won’t hold my breath. See you around Divorced Moms!
This particular type of guy is very insidious to figure out. The power dynamics they operate with leave us confused and uneasy, thinking it is US that is not understanding them correctly. And that’s where their ability to make us crazy comes from.As all the women’s magazines constantly remind us- it’s our job as women to figure out, fix, repair, please and win over our man using any tactics necessary!
But if he’s passive aggressive, narcissistic and/or emotionally/verbally abusive:
The Price is Way Too High!!!
Trying to stay in a relationship with such person out of love is no different than trying to stay in a relationship with a drug addict out of love. If you really LOVE yourself, then for your own health and sanity, the best thing you can do is to not be in an intimate relationship with this person, or (at the very least) keep loving them but from a very big distance.
Yeah, I had a baby with this guy and it was “crazy making”. I actually tried to send him some articles and descriptions about the behavior which only angered him more. He said I was the one who was emotionally abusive by even questioning his behavoir. Any time I mentioned that the physical withholding was confusing, it was my fault and only mad him less attracted to me. Whenever he didn’t show up or make an effort to do things as a couple, it was my fault because I was so demanding. If he did nothing while I took care of the house and his child while he sat on the sofa watching TV, had internet battles with strangers instead of sharing moments with us or withdrew to his office, it was my fault he felt bad about it because I was a harpy who could never be satisfied and didn’t let him relax. Then when I finally called bullshit and left, it was my fault he couldn’t give me drafts of custody, visitation and child support proposals in a timely fashion because I was so awful I shouldn’t be “rewarded” with such things.
He actually used those words…”I’m not going to reward your behavoir…” He was nice until he wasn’t and now he acts as if he’s done nothing wrong and my anger and disappointment is unseemly because he’s such a good guy. He’s done nothing wrong. He’s done nothing at all. He’s confused why I’m even upset. It’s pretty grim and since he hasn’t done anything, he can’t possibly take any responsibility for anything that has happened or is happening while we work out how to be co-parents.
The big problem I see with the paasive agreesive guy is the complete lack of self awareness. By shutting down and not accessing any emotions, it is the victim of this kind of abuse that is left with feelings that have nowhere to go. And the worst part? I didn’t see any of it coming until I left my job and moved countries to be with him because he wanted it. Then suddenly, I wasn’t good enough for basic affection. He’s still chirpy and casual…even while screwing his child out of a meager amount of child support. Yeah, my expectations very low now.
It is the lack of self-awareness. I have a son that is 29, he and I were discussing this the other night. His exactly words were, “a mind boggling lack of self-awareness.” There is this “who me?” attitude that can drive you insane. It is that attitude that leaves us “victims” with feelings that have nowhere to go. Which, I might add is a very appropriate description of how it feels to navigate a relationship with one of these guys. They are ever the good guy…steal from their children, stab you in the back at every opportunity, lie, cheat and it all rolls right off them as they look around and say, “who me?” Ugh!
Wow Cathy, thank you! I just had the craziest discussion with my passive aggressive, soon to be ex-husband. Your article makes me feel so much better about myself, that I’m not the crazy one, he is. This is how I sum it up, my husband is a killjoy. He will do anything in his power to steal and suck all the joy out of my life, and then as you state, look around and say “who me?”
This is just scary! This has been my life for the past 10years. He recently left me and i have been struggling so much thinking it was all my fault. Now i know that he has a problem and that while he does things this way there is no hope. I am feeeling SO MUCH BETTER. I have been reading articles on passive agressive behaviour all afternoon and it is amazing how some of the examples sued are identical to things my will be ex-husband has done to me. I was reading about my own life down to the details….Of course i know i hold some blame for the realtionship failure, it takes two as they say, but i know now i’m not crazy, overbearing and basically just a horrible piece of crap who ruined his life. THANK YOU SO MUCH 🙂 I feel like i can now start to mend myself 🙂
Hi Claire, I believe that it takes two to break a marriage BUT when married to someone with a personality disorder, it is their disorder that brings out the worst in a spouse. I became someone I didn’t recognize in my marriage. I turned myself inside out to try and figure out a way to respond to his behavior, so much so that I can honestly say that it brought out the worst in me. Separating from him and stepping back from that relationship allowed me to revert back to the person I was before we married. And I now have a clear radar when it comes to those with personality disorders. You will mend, I promise that and one day you will be quite grateful for the opportunity to get out from under his pervasive manipulation of you and your emotions. Good luck!
I’ve spent the last 8 years thinking i am to blame. I went to therapy, workshops, read books thinking im crazy. Why can’t I be a good wife or mom???? If i have such a good husband??? Now i know is not my fault. He is now aware of his behavior but i dont think i love him anymore… I dont even want to give it a try.
Wow! You sound just like me. I have so much built up resentment towards my husband that I’m not sure I want to do this anymore.. if fact, I know I don’t. I remember countless nights crying in the beginning of our marriage because I could not figure out what the heck was wrong with me.. why didn’t he want me, why won’t he talk to me, why, why, why… and sense I’ve discovered this behavior never Ends. I’ve become completely pissed that I’ve wasted time with him. Not to mention he’s 15 yrs older than me…
glad to hear someone else feels like I do.
I feel the same. I have wasted almost 9 years with him, thinking i was too ugly to love, and that i’m a horrible person. And now i’m severely pissed. He knows i was abused in several ways growing up, so he chose to take an already abused person, and kill what was left of her. When all she wanted to do, was love him. How evil. We need to talk about this more, this is going on a lot, and people don’t know it. We should not be so quiet about this, i am not going to be.
What? These are signs that a person is passive aggressive?
Conclusion: most women are passive aggressive.
Maybe you attract passive aggressive women? I was raised in a family like this and once I got out, I started seeing how twisted it was. But I also attracted passive aggressive men because I couldn’t spot the behavior right away. I had to work really hard on figuring out what I was doing to attract them and how to identify the behaviors early and then-end things which was heart-wrenching. But the healthier you get, the healthier the people are that you attract. Asking yourself what you are doing to wind up with people who keep treating you this is key.
This is exactly what I am going through right now. Married for 12 years to one. Tried everything in the book to hold onto it for the sake of the kids but it was all a fruitless waste of my time. They become the sullen child and you the manipulated one. Everything, including their own personal happiness, desire to participate in family events, parent the children etc becomes your responsibility. They are passengers who will go, very nicely, along for the ride but only put the brakes on, in a sullen manner, when they don’t like where the train is going. They won’t ever participate in mapping out the journey or the destination. Now, during divorce proceedings, after my husband left for a much younger woman, mainly to punish me I believe for whatever injustices he believes I bestowed upon him, I am dealing with a shut down in communication when it suits him to do so, but an oh so nice co-operative person when he wants something – usually money. I have been blamed for everything, including the fact that he had to start a relationship with someone else. I have had threats to withhold financial support, been told that I deceived him into getting pregnant with our son, blamed for the fact that his much younger girlfriend has a profile on a sugar daddy dating website – you name it. Everything is my fault. It’s hard to deal with a person like that and come to any type of suitable conclusion in relation to child visitiation, finances etc. The only way is through a lawyer – have them do all of the negotiating for you. Expensive I know but unbelievably difficult any other way. We tried mediation, which I had to pay for, but all he wanted to do was get what he wanted and have his own feelings validated. Me, I’m done. I’m now going to fight fire with fire.
It’s been eight years since my passive aggressive ex left me for his new target and I’m still recovering. I still have to co-parent with him so he’s enjoyed making me suffer even after the divorce. I wish this hell on no one, not even the woman he left me for! Us women need to stick together.
These comments are perfection. They are exactly what my marriage of 17 years were; yet people perceive my ex to be a perfect gentleman and its all in my head! Yes. He certainly did a character assassination on me at my workplace. Still reeling after three years. But hardly anybody is aware of what Passive-aggressive is…need to educate the world….
Hi, I am coming to the end of a marriage to my wife who spent 15 years operating as a narcissist against me and my kids. I feel I suffer for PTSD and part of my management of self-defence during the relationship and the particularly bad years makes me appear to be passive aggressive. I always get blamed and I feel that I am the victim – this article says that I am to blame and not the victim – I exhibit many of the things mentioned, but not out of control or ‘aggression’.
This articile has confused me even more as my symptoms manifest from years of bullying, control and gaslighting indicate that I am the perpetrator. When trying to understand things better so that I can break our marriage ‘cleanly’, finding this article when hunting about PTSD has only added to my confusion.
Having always thought I was a nice guy, without any machiavellian influence or desires over anyone I will consider if I am this person – at least I have found some tangible benefit for my wife in the potential ending of our marriage – she will be shot of my apparant passive aggressivness…
Hi Bob, thanks for commenting. Sounds like you’ve done a bit of an internal inventory. That is a good thing! I have a question, do you think your passive aggressive behavior was in response to your wife’s anger? Or, do you think your wife’s anger was in response to your passive aggressive behavior?
Which came first, the “chicken or the egg?”
Hi Bob, thanks for commenting. Sounds like you’ve done a bit of an internal inventory. That is a good thing! I have a question, do you think your passive aggressive behavior was in response to your wife’s anger? Or, do you think your wife’s anger was in response to your passive aggressive behavior?
Which came first, the “chicken or the egg?”
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Its very interesting, very hurtful. So given that she hates me (I have damaged her life) why would she remain here? Why not protect her children from me and do what everyone says and leave? I don’t get it, it doesn’t add up. Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
So, on balance, who knows. Well, I know the history but hey….
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
So, on balance, who knows. Well, I know the history but hey….
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
So, on balance, who knows. Well, I know the history but hey….
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Cathy, good question. When I play back our marriage, to the very beginning, I recall similar behavior from my wife and lots of anger etc. To my mind, ‘she started it’.
I don’t recall ever being driven by these symptoms but I do recall my wife’s anger control and bullying from the very start (as in 2 days from start of marriage) – and I have witnesses too :-). I also recall some of these tactics (2 week silent treatments) from her at the start too. She denies it ALL and has always done.
So, on balance, who knows. Well, I know the history but hey….
This article has been pushed right back at me and I am now the sole cause of all problems.
A friend of mine used this phrase a long time ago (10 years ) to describe my wife when I was trying to get a break and comprehend what was happening. My wife has denied that she has any of these kinds of traits (denies any narcissistic behavior) over 15 years and with 1 conversation has effectively pushed this and me as the reason for everything. She even said she was relieved to have understood what caused her problems and emphases my need for a shrink and that I HAVE these traits. So, accordingly it was just me.
I however think these symptoms have come over the years as self-defence and still I don’t think that I use them – incidentally her last rage (and I do mean rage) was 2 weeks ago, and she doesn’t acknowledge it at all – when I read PTSD symptoms for how I feel, I tick lots of those off.
I sent this article to her to see if she would effectively project them back at me and boy, she has done that! She has used selective memory, denial, gaslighting over facts and other stuff in the past day with this information, effectively blocking everything I think of the past.
Am I being manipulated again? For sure I am sick of the anxiety I live in and I feel it right now.
Bob, I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I admire your desire to look at your potential role in the demise of the marriage but I’m concerned that you are listening to feedback from your ex, especially since you believe her to be a Narcissist. Narcs NEVER admit fault even when they’ve clearly been abusive. What’s more, they will actually “project” or accuse you of doing exactly what they are actually the one doing. I’m going to guess that what you really have been is codependent. Any passive aggressive behavior on your part is probably a defense you’ve been using to get by in an otherwise impossible situation.
My father and brother are both Narcissistic so I have had a lifetime of experience with the crazy making behavior and of needing to learn new healthier ways to live. Please read up on Narcissists, the information on the Internet is vast. I recommend reading Sam Vaknin, he’s published an extensive book as well as does YouTube videos and articles. Lightshouse.com is another wonderful resource.
You do need to examine how you got into a relationship with a Narcissist before you get serious about someone else. I hope you’re able to do that without listening to your ex! She will never admit to being a Narcissist or to any fault (if she’s truly a narc) so keep that forefront. I wish you all the best!
Bob, I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I admire your desire to look at your potential role in the demise of the marriage but I’m concerned that you are listening to feedback from your ex, especially since you believe her to be a Narcissist. Narcs NEVER admit fault even when they’ve clearly been abusive. What’s more, they will actually “project” or accuse you of doing exactly what they are actually the one doing. I’m going to guess that what you really have been is codependent. Any passive aggressive behavior on your part is probably a defense you’ve been using to get by in an otherwise impossible situation.
My father and brother are both Narcissistic so I have had a lifetime of experience with the crazy making behavior and of needing to learn new healthier ways to live. Please read up on Narcissists, the information on the Internet is vast. I recommend reading Sam Vaknin, he’s published an extensive book as well as does YouTube videos and articles. Lightshouse.com is another wonderful resource.
You do need to examine how you got into a relationship with a Narcissist before you get serious about someone else. I hope you’re able to do that without listening to your ex! She will never admit to being a Narcissist or to any fault (if she’s truly a narc) so keep that forefront. I wish you all the best!
Bob, I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I admire your desire to look at your potential role in the demise of the marriage but I’m concerned that you are listening to feedback from your ex, especially since you believe her to be a Narcissist. Narcs NEVER admit fault even when they’ve clearly been abusive. What’s more, they will actually “project” or accuse you of doing exactly what they are actually the one doing. I’m going to guess that what you really have been is codependent. Any passive aggressive behavior on your part is probably a defense you’ve been using to get by in an otherwise impossible situation.
My father and brother are both Narcissistic so I have had a lifetime of experience with the crazy making behavior and of needing to learn new healthier ways to live. Please read up on Narcissists, the information on the Internet is vast. I recommend reading Sam Vaknin, he’s published an extensive book as well as does YouTube videos and articles. Lightshouse.com is another wonderful resource.
You do need to examine how you got into a relationship with a Narcissist before you get serious about someone else. I hope you’re able to do that without listening to your ex! She will never admit to being a Narcissist or to any fault (if she’s truly a narc) so keep that forefront. I wish you all the best!
Bob, I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I admire your desire to look at your potential role in the demise of the marriage but I’m concerned that you are listening to feedback from your ex, especially since you believe her to be a Narcissist. Narcs NEVER admit fault even when they’ve clearly been abusive. What’s more, they will actually “project” or accuse you of doing exactly what they are actually the one doing. I’m going to guess that what you really have been is codependent. Any passive aggressive behavior on your part is probably a defense you’ve been using to get by in an otherwise impossible situation.
My father and brother are both Narcissistic so I have had a lifetime of experience with the crazy making behavior and of needing to learn new healthier ways to live. Please read up on Narcissists, the information on the Internet is vast. I recommend reading Sam Vaknin, he’s published an extensive book as well as does YouTube videos and articles. Lightshouse.com is another wonderful resource.
You do need to examine how you got into a relationship with a Narcissist before you get serious about someone else. I hope you’re able to do that without listening to your ex! She will never admit to being a Narcissist or to any fault (if she’s truly a narc) so keep that forefront. I wish you all the best!
Bob, I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I admire your desire to look at your potential role in the demise of the marriage but I’m concerned that you are listening to feedback from your ex, especially since you believe her to be a Narcissist. Narcs NEVER admit fault even when they’ve clearly been abusive. What’s more, they will actually “project” or accuse you of doing exactly what they are actually the one doing. I’m going to guess that what you really have been is codependent. Any passive aggressive behavior on your part is probably a defense you’ve been using to get by in an otherwise impossible situation.
My father and brother are both Narcissistic so I have had a lifetime of experience with the crazy making behavior and of needing to learn new healthier ways to live. Please read up on Narcissists, the information on the Internet is vast. I recommend reading Sam Vaknin, he’s published an extensive book as well as does YouTube videos and articles. Lightshouse.com is another wonderful resource.
You do need to examine how you got into a relationship with a Narcissist before you get serious about someone else. I hope you’re able to do that without listening to your ex! She will never admit to being a Narcissist or to any fault (if she’s truly a narc) so keep that forefront. I wish you all the best!
Bob, I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I admire your desire to look at your potential role in the demise of the marriage but I’m concerned that you are listening to feedback from your ex, especially since you believe her to be a Narcissist. Narcs NEVER admit fault even when they’ve clearly been abusive. What’s more, they will actually “project” or accuse you of doing exactly what they are actually the one doing. I’m going to guess that what you really have been is codependent. Any passive aggressive behavior on your part is probably a defense you’ve been using to get by in an otherwise impossible situation.
My father and brother are both Narcissistic so I have had a lifetime of experience with the crazy making behavior and of needing to learn new healthier ways to live. Please read up on Narcissists, the information on the Internet is vast. I recommend reading Sam Vaknin, he’s published an extensive book as well as does YouTube videos and articles. Lightshouse.com is another wonderful resource.
You do need to examine how you got into a relationship with a Narcissist before you get serious about someone else. I hope you’re able to do that without listening to your ex! She will never admit to being a Narcissist or to any fault (if she’s truly a narc) so keep that forefront. I wish you all the best!
This has been so enlightening to read. I have been with my hubby for 14 years and so many times he has just not talked to me for days and then told me he was upset with me for whatever reason. Even last night, I started talking about painting the house (I know, not a great lot of fun), oh the hostility and he dropped eye contact and looks down at his feet, not engaging with me any more. It makes me feel so horrible for even mentioning the topic. Apparently I hadn’t paid attention to his attempt at starting a conversation about Jane Austen 10 minutes earlier while I was preparing the dinner for the kids,
My husband has just had an affair and wants to remain friends with this woman. I am feeling bad about denying him being friends with his ‘soul mate’! I have told his now twice I want to leave, but he keeps seeing me on a huge guilt trip about him losing his connection with the kids. So we agreed to marriage councelling, but now he has taken that back.
i will never be happy in this relationship any more. i have to tell him that he needs to dump his ‘girlfriend’ and he is going to resent me so much. We are doomed.
Note: It has come to my attention through my endless research it get answers to all these issues, that I am very much a people pleaser. This has not helped him at all, so I recognise that I have some hand in all of this.
Sigh. I am seperated from my husband, father of my two girls….who falls under the passive-aggressive label, as well as narcissistic! And our situation is so difficult, because our youngest child, is disabled and in a wheelchair, with a progressive muscle disease. For 20 years off and on now, I have found myself in that place 90% of the time, feeling crazed and ready to pull my hair out, crying myself to sleep…trying to understand him. Add to this….dealing with his self-righteous and narcissistic parents as well. Now that I’ve read up on both of these personality styles…I need to figure out how to move forward….
All I can say is if you find you are in a relationship with a passive aggressive narc, please seek therapy. Decide if you are willing to live with that person for the rest of your life or theirs. I have been married to my narc passive aggressive husband for 25 yrs. It wasn’t until about 3 months ago when he was diagnosed, that I finally discovered why I have lived through hell for all of those 25 yrs. It does not get better you just learn to adapt, you lose yourself. You lose your true spirit, you become a shell of what you use to be. Now that I know what I’m living with and now he does also, I can see when he is pushing my buttons and I call him out on it. We have been to therapy with a wonderful therapist that doesn’t let him make excuses. She keeps me from making excuses for him also. I tried for 20 yrs to love this man and he pushed me aside every chance he could, we are still married but I don’t think the love is there, we just go through the motions. We have 3 children together and they barely know him as a father because there was always something else in his life that was more important than them. He has been selfish and deliberately takes week long hunting/fishing trips with his buddies (actual trips not a fling with another woman) instead of vacations with his family.. Now his children are all grown and he now realizes he missed out on every part of their childhood. Very sad but it was his fault. We have now realized that his father is also a narc. passive aggressive which is why it transfered to my husband. We are dealing with his father at this moment who is trying his best to control his son. It is a nightmare, nothing can be fun or easy, there is always some sort of turmoil. Now, I’m seeing some of these symptoms in our 21 yr. old, who is currently living at home due to a medical set back. Our 21 yr. old constantly has to be reminded to do the simplest tasks, which are deliberately forgotten. A task that has to be done daily and I have to remind daily or else it won’t get done. So, I have 3 narc. passive aggressives in my life. Oh what fun. Our oldestdaughter is 24 and was dating a person that I could see the same traits as my husband. I encouraged her to take a good hard look at how she was being treated, failed to show up when he said he would, would leave the room even if she was talking to him, always had excuses for not doing what he said he would. She ended the relationship and I was there when she did, he had that blank unemotional look on his face, the look I have seen far too many times. I’m sorry for anyone who has to live like this. Since I have been married for 24 yrs of course I don’t have a career to fall back on, intentional by my narc husband who has kept me down for so long, plus with the constant turmoil I had enough on my plate. I have encouraged all 3 of our girls to have a career, and not to rely on a man for their future. I don’t want them to fall into the same trap that I have been in for way too long. Good luck.
I am desperate to divorce my ultra passive-aggressive husband of nearly 16 years. He is miserable and seeks to drag me down to his level of misery. This article puts description to the abuse. Mine uses our 7.5 year old daughter. He has her wrapped very tightly around his finger, and he even fooled me for years. It hasn’t been until very recently that I have discovered that he doesn’t care about her. She is just his pawn to use against me, and I think that a lot of his anger towards me might be because we had our daughter. He showers her with affection in order to manipulate her and others, for his own gain. He does things for her, but then he uses her to strike at me, i.e., he told me he didn’t want to go to this year’s office Christmas party (that he “forgot” to tell me about until the night before it), because he didn’t want to leave our daughter behind (I had told him he should just go to it without me, because I am long past the stage of playing into his crap by allowingh him to frustrate me with the games he plays). He is constantly doing things like this–he will lavish her with affection in order to rub it in my face, making it clear he is sticking it to me, and he denies me any love or affection. And I am over seeking it. He has a history of constantly sabotaging many of my (effective) parenting strategies with our daughter, but then will sometimes back me up or be on board with the parenting and use the strategy himself, but he is very erractic and inconsistent about it which I know is confusing and possibly detrimental to our daughter. I will never forget when I signed her up for team soccer, at his behest, and he turned around and insisted on doing “family sleepover” night in our bed with her on Friday nights right when soccer started, when her soccer games were on Saturdays. Of course she was tired and miserable, after staying up until 10 or 11 at age 6, and she was a hot mess. In the beginning of our relationship, sex was hot and heavy. That progressively dropped off, and for years I did feel inadequate. After we had our daughter, sex became once a month at his instigation for the sole purpose of trying to conceive another baby (that I was not even ready to have when that started). The pyschological affects of that on me were brutal. I felt very used and worthless. I eventually insulated myself from that and refuse to have sex with him at this point, so I feel like I have won that battle, so it is really turned around on him at this point. But he tries to punish me in other ways, like he won’t speak to me, and he will go sleep on the couch, except that now too is turned around on him, as I am glad he is out of our room, and there are times I hope he will sleep on the couch. Let him cut his own nose off to spite his face. He will constanlty start arguments and fights with me, as well as push my buttons, and he thrives off of it. He is degrading in a passive-aggressive, insidious way too. I was doing housework, and I made the mistake of saying I felt dizzy. He laughed and said, “That’s because you are dizzy”. When I called on him insulting me, he denied that was the case by saying that it is a joke, and I am too touchy. I am over all of it and just don’t want to live with him anymore. I feel very emotionally detached from him. His antics don’t phase me anymore, and I can easily turn them around, but I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I feel emotionally very ready to live life without him for the sake of our daughter as well as for myself. I do think all of this has and is affecting my health. I just don’t even know where to begin to leave him though, because I am a SAHM who relies on his income. I do finally feel like “I can do this”, but I just don’t even really know where to start with it, really.
As a male I understand where men and women are like this. I was married for 18 years and took alot of the blame myself until I invested alot of money reading and studying psychology books. For years I took it that in my own mind that men are the fault at failures at everything in the failing of the marriage. Well after careful consideration and years of research I can tell you I don’t any longer believe this at all. I have dated women after my own divorce and I can tell you that from personality disorders associated with women also relating to HPD NPD which also involves anti-social personality disorder. For years I told my ex-wife what I wanted and needed and really didn’t get it, that after a while you just give up trying. There are alot of women and men out there that do not know them selves at all. They go through life using people to get what they want. If I had my way I have always said that all of us should come with what I call an “OWNERS MANUAL” . Inside this manual it describes the person its associated with as far as wants , needs, dreams, goals , beliefs, and what they expect the other marriage partner to do for them. If this ever happened the majority of us would have to stay single, because even today all of this is still pretty much secretive. Men are way easier to figure out than women. I have spent many years trying to figure women out and fot the most part I have. I have a cousin which is female and she said to me once ” when you figure out what we are really all about you will not want anything to do with us.” For the most part she is correct in her assumption. As time goes on more and more men are refusing to get married any more, due to no real reason anymore. Marriage for men has turned into nothing but legal slavery or a huge gamble for them. I donot know of any man any where who is complaining about a woman will not marry him. Its the other way around. Today there is nothing reciprocal anymore about marriage. I know women who will put up with a small level of abuse DUE TO SECURITY / MONEY REASONS. Gather your sense of self back keep your clothes on and go get a job , and I mean a real job instead of the one laying on your back just using your looks. All of this is relating to a growing disorder of narcissism that our culture and socially , they think that its all they have to do to get what they fill is owed to them. Alot of women claim they want equality ,but covertly this is not really what some of those same women want. It all depends on how they were brought up which is basically a belief. If either partner doesnt meet the other ones belief , the marriage is destined for failure. Until the laws change and this isnt just going on in the United States its all over you are going to see alot more men not getting married . Men need to take back their jewels . Im one that I can tell you myself that I have no respect for a woman that gives herself up easily to any man. I call this no self respect. When women stop doing this and the laws change you will notice a gradual increase again in the marriage rates. I know myself I and most men I know will not marry a woman like this. She has ruined her chances with a decent man, especially for marriage. The younger men are opting out of marriage at huge proportions due to what they see happening. Too many men and women are about me me me me me its all about me too much of this and depending on the level of it is nothing but Narcissism or self centeredness. Its so bad its become and epidemic. What these women need to do who are complaining about men not marrying is start lobbying to get equality in the court room instead of complaining to men about it. My point is its not just about a passive aggressive man. Everyone needs to look inside themselves for their own faults. Personality disorders or just traits of one can harm a marriage or relationship greatly to the point of non functioning. Take it upon your ownself and see what is wrong with you as a person and decide to own it, make a decision to correct yourself before you look for someone to MAKE YOU HAPPY which is alot of peoples problems. Learn to make yourself happy!!!!!!
I’ve been married to a Narc PA for 31 years. We have two kids, a boy 21 and a girl 27. The girl also has a severe case of ADD and Narc PA and both my husband and her will team up on me. She’s unable to hold down a job, was a professional student for a few years, has racked up thousands in debt. But nothing is ever her fault – she is the perpetual victim. Zero sense of responsibility. She lies with abandon to everyone about everything. After her latest work stint went south and she lost her room-mate my husband brought her home to stay with us – again and against my wishes.
Yesterday she went too far and I threw her out. He just stood there, against the wall, unwilling to get involved and texting god-knows-who the entire time. He hasn’t spoken to me since and I doubt he’ll be speaking to me anytime soon. This is the 3rd or 4th time we’ve gone through this.
We recently attended a mediator because I wanted out. He was willing to attend and did so, and promised to make amends. Now, with yesterday’s events I believe that he had zero intention of following through with the promises and was conspiring with our daughter against me the entire time – even to the point of faking their verbal altercations. I wish I had tossed him out the door when we were still in highschool. 30 years wasted that I can never get back.
I have been married to a PA,at least,some narc traits,OCD. I have lived in silience most of the 22 yrs. I for so long thought it was normal,as I never knew my father. Tehn it has become the blame game,everything is my fault. he won’t go to therapy there isn’t anything wrong with him,it’s everyone else. We have 3 children,21,17 and 11. I am working on how to get out,as I can’t work,he won’t allow me to. Everytime I get a job i have to quit,he makes life unbearable. I have no family we have no savings,but i will find a safe way to get out,I can’t do this any longer. i feel like I have wasted 22 years of my life waiting for him to get better all to find,he won’t. But not a complete waste i have 4 children,and all have their issues because of him. Why or Why have i been so blind?
Was suppose to read 3 not 4
I was married for 6 years… My wife left me for my cousin… I helped her through college, I sold my car to fix hers, mind you, “her” car is only hers, because I was working. I paid all the bills, month to month. And the rent too. She was a horrible wife and mother to “my” kids. (Blended family) after we broke up in May, she sends me this article… Ok, I was never in my life, a passive individual, nor a jerk, nor a narc. I Was passive toward her when she would (all to often) pick fights with me, but I don’t hit females. She is now a psychologist…. Wow, and this article only seemed to give her validation on her bogus actions. She sent me the link, with the tag line, “read this and you’ll know how I feel.”…. Well, i watched her verball & mentally abuse my kids. And I’m wrong for that. I Should have left when that started, for my kids sake. But I (as in me…. just me, was in love). So this went on for years. Now she has a degree in psycology. I feel bad for the people who she councils. She is 100% narcissistic. And I almost feel like psychologist should be required to take a psyc evaluation before they are able to work in that field. I am devistated at how such a mean spirited person can be placed in charge of another individuals mental health. So myself, and my children, we will NEVER seek mental health over this fact.
She may have been a bit right about you. You said you’d never seek mental health because your ex is a psychologist? That sounds like a passive aggressive reaction.
I met my husband fell in love quickly I am still sure it’s true love for me.
The first time o knew there was a problem he blamed me I was keen to show him how much I loved him
it’s the same old pattern starts off with S problem he has it somehow turns around then it’s my problem, he didn’t talk to me for days in the beginning I would challenge him
snd say what have I done
he would say I’m reckless thoughtless ect I would then blame myself for not understanding him
he would be so loving one minute then the next he would stop talking
I would put his dinner on the table he would ignore me fix himself something we would go to bed and turn our backs it breaks my heart, I will usually make the first awkward move then we would be happy again a week later is overlook his veggies again it would start
I’m far away from my own country friends and family
he said he could give me a better life
when it’s good it’s very good when it’s bad it’s very bad
tonight I shall make dinner he will ignore me I will go to bed and cry silently
Sorry hope things are better
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Ive been going out with a NARC, PA, Transgressive post-modern neolithic alternator for a while now. I just dont get him. Help!. Im afraid he might be normal and get pissed off at the same things everyone does.
This type of man is most defenetly a result of feminism! Afraid of what he can and cant say and have always been told to treat women right. Even when he knows its to be wrong because women are angels in desciece. He probably have been living in an all femala enviorement and never played and beent told what masculinity is. Women think they want a man like this because thats what their mothers told them especially if they are victims of abuse from men.
Feminism? LOL!! My ex was one of nine brothers. Brothers who played football, basketball and rough-housed with each other. Their father took them to the Rose Bowl every year and was the dominant figure in their lives. My ex is 6’4″ tall, rides horses, chops wood, owns a construction company and is well in touch with his masculinity. I got a good laugh out of your comment but do want to suggest you do your research on a topic before giving an opinion. It will keep you from looking foolish.
Ha ha, the fact that you start out by placing blame gives you away from the start. You have a victim mentality and since all your problems are women’s fault I would imagine this article struck a nerve. People get defensive like this when they hear the truth and are fighting like hell to avoid taking responsibility for their share of the situation. Both genders do this, my mother was like this and I meet many men like this too. Most people are unaware and don’t want to believe it. So instead of blaming them for whatever is wrong in my life, I don’t volunteer myself to be their emotional punching bag. I don’t associate with people like this or expect anything from them other than hurt. That’s taking responsibility. Not whining about what other people do or lump all genders into one category and cry foul.
Blame game. You sound pretty good at it. How’s it working for you?
(((robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com))) … restored my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me……
Well, i left a workplace after a long time because of this reason. My boss was the passive agressive and i nearly had a nervous breakdown after working for him for a few years. Leaving there, as scary as that was to move on, was the best decision i ever made…what a complete and utter toxic, disturbed imbosile! i feel sorry for is wife and female child!
You made a brave choice. It isn’t easy to do because they can cause you to feel like they have you over a barrel. Other people ALWAYS suffer the consequences of their passive aggressive behavior. It’s startling!
Hi, My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For over five years I have been dealing with jealousy issues because of flirting and her having emotional type affairs with other men. I felt like my masculinity was in question and if I said the way she was acting bothered me, it seemed to make matters worse or I was accused of being controling. During this period I did state I wanted a divorce if the behavior was not going to end: texting men a night, leaving for the weekend without letting me know where she was going or not responding to messages. We do have a son and basically it’s been him and I for the last year on the weekends. She disconnected completely from being a good wife and mother. In April she said she wanted a separation and I said no we need to get into marriage counseling. We did try that, but she was not very responsive and didn’t give any effort. Afterward she was adamant about separation and divorce. I continued to say no and that we needed to save our family. She presented a separation agreement and I had to hire a lawyer. Because of the above behavior my lawyer suggested a private investigator. The investigator discovered my wife was having an affair with a close friend of the family who also is married with children. We know the extended families. I feel like I should tell this man’s wife about what happened. This adultery has devastated me emotionally, I feel betrayed and I’m physically drained. I know my wife is passionate in terms of her sexuality, and I can’t get the thought of them out of my head. It makes me question my own manhood, and I feel very inferior or that he must be a better lover or what ever. The problem is my wife pursued him. She would go to him and she lured him into this adultery. I felt this was coming for some time and could not stop it. She was not only lying to me but also to our son about what she was doing and where she was going. My family is important, my son loves her and as crazy as it sounds so do I. Can you respond with a course of action on how to proceed? I was still have a very huge place in my heart for her. so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Ahmed can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my wife came to me and apologized for the wrongs she did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I, my son and my wife are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Ahmed. as it is a place to resolve marriage/relationship issues, do you want to be sure if your spouse is being faithful to you or Do you want your Ex to come back to you Contact.: E-mail: [email protected] save your crumbling home and change of grades its 100% safe. I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you.
Ms. Meyer,
Thank you for putting this into words. There is alot written about the loud, verbally abusive abusive relationship, but this behavior is so much more insidious and covert. You used the word “covert” and I can’t tell you the number of times I have described the situation with my ex using that word. I was married to him for 20 years and, to this day, still wonder at times if it was real. That is the insidious nature of the passive-aggressive man or women who emotionally withholds. This statement perfectly describes him and why I stayed for 20 years, “You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.” How could I leave someone who was “so sweet, kind and loving”? How many times did I think I was making it up in my head or that there must be something wrong with me? Ironically for years I suffered in “silence”. I now understand that is exactly what the behavior is designed to do, to make me be quiet and just accept what I get. In the end, then I became responsible for everything, or almost everything, in the relationship. It is so helpful to know that I knew something was wrong and I was right. It was really happening. I read in another post article that sometimes after a while both people become passive-aggressive and emotionally withholding to one another in order to cope. I believe that happend with my ex and I. Thank you for bringing this topic out for discussion.
April, it’s the passive aggressive who drips with sweetness that does the most damage, in my opinion. The ones that NEVER display outward anger. And, I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing about them is real. They are actors who play a role…the good guy role while seething inside in anger. I’m happy to hear you got out. I wish you healing and nothing but healthy relationships going forward.
My Passive-Aggressive husband is divorcing me and has found the perfect way to punish me. I now stand the risk of being deported and separated from my 8month old U.S citiizen baby, her father is a citizen as well and I am an international student. Him not filing for me while married, and after the baby came was his way of punisheing me for something I never knew he held against me, and now he is divorcing me as a final blow and trying to gain full custody of our daughter. I was fully deoendant on him, and he has cut me off financially since our separation, with no child support, and even out us through a paternity test. According to him, he is the big victim in all this. I can only be here legally with my daughter as long as I remain in classes. I started with my MBA last month, but I fear I won’t be able to afford another semester and he could care less that my breastfed daughter could potentially be separated from me–which according to him is also my fault. At fisrt I thought he was just narcissitic, but EVERYTHING you describe in this article is him through and through. PLease pray for my daughter and I
Whit, don’t you think you should get yourself and your baby on a plane and head back to your home country? Why are you staying here where you will be at the mercy of someone who could potentially have you removed from your child’s life?
I am in the process of filing for a divorce from my PA husband. He and I have only been married a year. We dated for about 7 months. He was a knight in shinning armor. He said all the right things did all the right things. (which later almost everything he had told me he was and had was simply just a lie). I had 2 kids from a previous marriage, he had none and never been married yet he was the dad I always wished I had for my girls. He put us first. It was almost unbelievable. I gave up everything, moved where he was, bought a house and got married. As soon as I moved things started to shift and quickly. I noticed he stop putting us first, worked all the time and anytime I would bring it to his attention how he is not spending as much time anymore he would flip my feelings on me and say how I was not being understanding and impatient and all he was trying to do was provide. Of course I felt bad and backed off. We use to be very sexually active while dating. Very spontaneous and everything and then after I moved things slowed up and it was always a reason why, I am tired, I am stressed, you are confrontational and so on and so forth. It got to the point weeks would go by and I felt like I had to beg. After a year of leaving where he was rooted, I asked to move back closer to my job because I got pregnant and I wasnt working from home anymore and I was about 2 1/2 hours from my job. He started telling me how selfish I was and everything had to go my way. I explained to him that the school system was bad were we lived, I had to put my girls in private school which took a lot of money montly then with my job change and a baby on the way I felt it would be in the best interest of our family as a whole. He silently agreed all the while secretly angry I now realize. When we moved I asked him if he could transfer his job, they offered him a job in our same city, 5 min from the house and he declined for a slew of reasons. I didn’t understand. Then he turned around and took another job further than where he was. Oh by the way, daily I am having to deal with him stonewalling me and blaminig it on stress, withholding and blaming his commute to work. My daughter who is 7 said he played with us all the time when you guys were not married and then you got married and I dont see him anymore. Fast foward, we moved Jul 1st and I asked for a divorce the first week of sept. Until the very end, my request has been the same, how come you dont put any effort into the relationship, how come you make no sacrafices for us to be closer how come I get no effection,, how come how come how come and they all have the same response. If you would not have done x, y, z I would not be like I am today, its your fault. It was so toxic and emotinally draining and one manipulation tactic after another. This is a fresh split so I am sometimes still looking at myself like if I had been more x,y,z maybe it would have been better. Sites like this encourage me to make me feel that I am not crazy. I told my ex he needs some counseling because he grew up with a very abusive father who beat his mom and was not as nice to him and his brothers. He watched his mom withdrawl and never say anything to stir the pot. She even told me that his behavior he gets honestly because she is like that, if she doesnt want to deal with something she stops speaking for days and then they come back like nothing ever happened. I said his issues are not with me but deeper than me. When I would try to discuss anything beyond the surface he would respond by shutting down or telling me he was leaving me because I was confrontational and he grew up with that and wasnt’ gonna live like this. He would pack his stuff and then the next day call me on the phone like nothing happened or tell me how I need to relax and stop making an issue out of everything. These moving out tantrums he displayed in front of my kids and it would make me so angry because I want them to see a stable strong man. He isnt it…… He moved out, I am pregnant due in Dec and he has yet to even call me or text me once like I never even existed. It is one of the worst emotional roller coasters to ever be on. You feel like you are going crazy, you question if you are the problem. You bend over backwards to meet his needs while all a long he could care less about yours. I left this relationship wondering if he ever cared to begin with.
holly shit does this describe my wife to a T! i have been mentally sound my whole life, but after 10 years with her i was checked into a mental hospital because i felt like i was loosing my mind. funny thing is, when i got in their she was no longer around to drive me crazy and they gave me a clean bill of health. i got home & their went my mind again! i seriously started demoing parts of my house looking for black mold. i was convensed it was the house driving me crazy not the women in it!
Hello. I just found this article and it’s an accurate description of my husband and how I am left to feel.
We have been married almost 20 years and I am so miserable. I have wanted out for years, even convinced him to go to counseling one time….I thought it was so helpful, he seemed to respond differently to me. But then things went back to the normal behavior.
We dont sleep in the same room (his choice…he wants to watch tv at night and we don’t have a tv in our room), we haven’t slept in the same room for over 2 1/2 years. We havent had sex in over three. I have tried. Tried to be sexy, tried to surprise him, tried to date him. I tried for a very long time to be the example for him of what I may want. Draw him bubble baths, give him a massage, cook his favorite meals, record his favorite shows when he was at work, blah, blah, blah.
But the subtle rude comments, raising his voice when it is not warranted, ignoring me when I am standing in front of him asking him a question about whatever, letting his family talk bad about me, finding out he lied to me about chewing tobacco for 14 years……it has turned a man I once adored into someone I find unattractive and even loath.
Three of our four children want me to leave him, one wishes we could make it work but totally understands if I were to leave.
Problem….I have been a stay at home mom for almost 20 years, I have health issues but I don’t qualify for disability, we have no assests/savings, both my parents are dead so I have no support other than friends with their own families, I will lose my health insurance. I will have no way to survive….or at least, that’s how it feels.
I want out ssssssoooooo bad but it feels like I will be walking from the frying pan straight into the fire. I know it seems that it mist not be that bad if Im not ready to leave but how do I do that? How do I change my children’s life so drastically so I can be happy?
I have most definitely changed. I used to be so out going, bubbly, my kids would say that I was the type of person who carried sunshine in her pocket and sprinkled it where ever I went.
Now I am sad, withdrawn, and have low self esteem.
I recognize that I married a passive aggressive man at least a decade ago, now I wish I can find a way out of this dysfunctional marriage.
I’ve dated a passive aggressive man for 5 years. I fell in love and thought he was such a great guy until he wasn’t. He was always getting mad at me and giving me the silent treatment and with holding affection. He would not talk to me about our future. If I brought it up he would make excuses, his favorite was that he had some kind of physical ailment. Finally we went to therapy and he ended up having a stomach ache and was in the bathroom most the session to avoid talking. I told the therapist….see what I mean!!! I finally got the courage to break it off when he stopped even telling me he loved me. I got in a new relationship and now guess who is back saying he want’s to marry me. I really loved him so I’m having a really hard time even though I have strong feelings for my new man.
Please be careful. I dated the same kind of man. We dated for 4 years. I even became pregnant and had his child. It was hell. He wouldn’t make a commitment, wouldn’t talk about our future, would get angry and give me the silent treatment for weeks. He even went a year without speaking to me or seeing our child. I met another man and developed deep feelings for him. My passive aggressive ex heard about my new relationship and was all about getting married. I made the mistake of marrying him. I thought I owed it to our child to become a family with his father and, I loved the man. His behavior didn’t change. He withheld sex, constantly giving me the silent treatment and me trying my best to fix the problems in the marriage. Six years after we married he told me the only reason he had married me was because of the other man I had become involved with. He said I had ruined his life by “tricking” him into marrying me. That was 5 years ago, we are divorced and his hasn’t seen our child since the day he packed up and left our home. Passive aggressive men are twisted. I guarantee you, the only reason your ex is back and wanting to marry is because you’re moving on. It has nothing to do with loving you and everything to do with not wanting to lose control of you. Please be careful!
It’s not the passive aggressive MAN. It’s the passive aggressive PERSON. It’s not gender specific. It’s actually called Avoidant Personality Disorder and you’ve described my ex-wife.
Cliff, on DivorcedMoms.com it IS gender-specific. We publish content for WOMEN, not everyone but, WOMEN. On DivorcedMoms.com we use gender-specific pronouns because this is a website for WOMEN. Pardon us for offending your fragile male ego.
Ok, that was very uncalled-for, staff! Can you TRY to be a little more professional and kind to ANYONE on this site?? Seriously!
What are you referring to?
I actually find the response to Cliff was kind of rude.
Yes, this may be a site created for women but Cliff stumbled onto this site for a reason. Instead of patronizing him it could have been a moment to offer support despite gender differences.
I volunteer for a Womens Resource Center that has been a place of support for women, for decades. Recently, they have begun to offer limited resources to men who fall under certain categories with the understanding that they cant participate in certain classes or support groups as there are abused women in the groups that need to feel safe. Regardless, they have opened their doors to support men as well.
Men usually have a very hard time finding support due to an emotionally or physically abusive relationship for fear they will look weak or incompetant.
Yes, this site was created for women but maybe Cliff has not found support as a “man” who was married to someone who is passive aggressive, so he turned to the support here. Such a shame to not reach out and support someone who can obviously relate.
Cliff, Im sure your experience being in a passive aggressive relationship is no different than if you were a woman in a passive aggressive relationship. It can be draining, lonely, sad, infuriating, makes you question your actions and sanity, the list goes on and on. You stated that this behavoir describes your ex wife. Being she is your ex, you got out. How did the end come and how did you handle it?
Yep. Going on ten years, and hubs is extremely passive-aggressive. He doesn’t ever take responsibility; he even punched a hole in the wall and blamed me for making him mad. I end up with bruises in the morning that I didn’t fall asleep with. He says I hit him first.
His sisters and parents are that way as well. His middle sister treated me like garbage for years, and when I apologized for “setting her off”, her response is, I’ll try to be nicer to you. She also pulled a bunch of theatrics leading up to our wedding, which involved THEM calling off our wedding, shunning me, and me having to BEG my fiance to stay with me because they had ordered him to leave me and he complied.
My last therapist told me to run far and fast from them, but I was desperate to get married, and went through with it. God, I should have listened to her.
My only slight comfort is the jerk sister’s husband left her abruptly last year, and has put her through hell in the divorce. I’m thankful to see that karma come back around to bite her in the a**
My husband withheld sex. He told the marriage counselor it was my fault. He never takes responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t tell the truth about how he feels. We had a sexless marriage for years. He said it wasn’t so. He is manipulative, withholds compliments. He only takes me places and buys meals for me. He knows my love language is touch. He withholds hugs, kissing. I went through this crap off and mostly on for 15 years. Finally he cheated and that was the motivation for me to start moving on. He also seems dishonest about the length of time cheating. He has no interest in how much pain he caused. He also crossed a sexual boundary when I asked him please to stop doing a certain act. He said he forgot. I have PTSD and am in therapy.