While you may not be physically hit or physically abused in a relationship with a narcissist, your heart will be broken 10,000 times. Even if you think you are a “strong” person and can handle it; your strength is not really strength, but rather, denial.
The following list is not exhaustive, but it is informative. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist you’ll recognize them all. If you’re presently in a relationship with a narcissist, buckle up because you’ll eventually experience them all.
Here are 50 Things to Expect When in a Relationship With a Narcissist:
1. He will always define the terms.
2. You will live by a set of double standards.
3. You will not be truly listened to.
4. He will never resolve conflict, as a result, they will continue to repeat.
5. He will rarely consider your feelings; and will only do so if it serves him somehow.
6. He will never apologize in an authentic way that acknowledges his behavior or your suffering.
7. What will matter most to him is how he appears to others.
8. He will ruin all of your birthdays and holidays (unless he can somehow make it about him, i.e., HIS favorite band will play at your birthday party, a trip planned “with/for” you will be to a location that HE wants/needs to visit, etc….).
9. He will be sullen during events that are important to you because they are not about him.
10. He will NOT show up for you at times when you need a partner the most and will be rageful if you are upset about it.
11. He will demand forgiveness for his bad behavior yet do nothing to earn back your trust or change his behavior.
12. Your expectations will be managed down to mere crumbs; to the point where you will be happy just because he isn’t giving you the silent treatment, yelling at you, or cheating on you.
13. You will never win.
14. He will be dismissive and, at times, cruel to your pets.
15. Beyond the initial stages of dating, he will make NO effort to befriend your friends or family unless knowing them benefits him in some way.
16. Your value will be diminished to the point of nothingness in his eyes. In fact, mere strangers will hold more weight in his eyes than you will.
17. He will tend to make you his scapegoat.
18. He will dump his shame and rage on to you.
19. Simple conversations will become crazy-making endeavors.
20. You will find yourself walking on eggshells.
21. You will lose yourself because you will be trained to focus only on his feelings and reactions; never mind yours.
22. You will experience the silent treatment.
23. You will experience cognitive dissonance, confabulation, and gas lighting.
24. You will find yourself telling a grown adult (Him) how to have normal interactions with others.
25. Your relationship will revolve on a cycle: waiting — hoping — hurting — being angry — being punished — forgiving — forgetting — again.
26. He will isolate you from your friends, family or financial support and then blame you for depending on him.
27. He will say cruel and judgemental things about the friends closest to him while being nice to their faces.
28. He will blame you for all of the problems in the relationship.
29. You will blame yourself.
30. He will use your weaknesses, traumas and intimate secrets against you.
31. You will experience many dramatic exits, followed by a reappearance of the N acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened.
32. He will act like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
33. He will not do his fair share of household responsibilities and will criticize your efforts.
34. He will come and go as he pleases.
35. When you try to hold him accountable he will fly into a rage.
36. He will not answer questions directly.
37. He will never ask you about your day and wish you to “have a good day.” He will never show genuine concern for things that you care about.
38. You will feel stuck and unable to leave him.
39. You will miss him and wait for him all the time.
40. He will project his bad behaviors onto you and you will project your good intentions onto him, neither is accurate.
41. When you finally break up because of his crazy-making behaviors and the insanity of the relationship, he will call you a lunatic, others will think you are a lunatic, and you, yourself, will believe that you are just as bad as him (realize, there is no moral equivalence between expressing frustration and intentional abuse.)
42. No one else will see it. This will cause you to question your reality.
43. The entire experience will result in trauma for you because it is interpersonal violence.
44. He will compare you unfavorably to other women, especially his ex.
45. You will begin to feel crazy; then, over time, you will begin to feel numb.
46. If you go to couples counseling it will not work, and will most likely backfire on you. Please realize you do not have a marriage problem, your partner has a mental illness.
47. He will triangulate you with the other women in his life, causing tension and drama between them and you, while he remains unscathed.
48. Once you start to wise up and pull away he will begin to smear your character behind your back in an attempt to turn people against you. In fact, he was probably doing this throughout your entire relationship.
49. The negativity and cruelty with which he speaks about his former relationships will befall you as well should you find the strength to leave him. Brace yourself.
50. Most people will never fully believe your account of the relationship and the psychological trauma can take years to understand and recover from.
The narcissist has no concept of the model of love and relationships that you do. They don’t understand the concept of “give and take.” For them, it’s all about taking. His values, needs and the neural pathways in his brain are as different from yours as night and day.
FAQs About Relationship With A Narcissist:
What should I expect from a relationship with a narcissist?
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you can expect him to define terms, set double standards for you to follow, never listen to you, keep dragging his feet when conflicts need resolution, ignore your feelings and refuse to apologize to you ever.
Why does my husband always want to forgive him for his bad behavior?
A narcissist will always ask you to forgive him for doing wrong to you but will never work on his bad behavior to win back your trust.
Why have I stopped expecting anything good from my husband?
A narcissistic husband will lower your expectations so much that you would be happy to have him not treat you like a guinea pig. You will thank your lucky stars just because he isn’t giving you (for now) silent treatment or taking it out like a zillionth time.
Why does my husband not like my pet?
You will be surprised—if you don’t already know it—when I tell you the reason why your husband does not like your pets: A narcissist will hate your pets to the point of being cruel to them.
Why does he avoid my friends and family?
Many men reveal their narcissistic personality past initial stages of dating, and show no interest in making friends with your friends and family—unless, of course, it serves some purpose.
Why is he mad at me without a reason?
In a moment of complete madness, a narcissistic man would take out his anger on you as he cannot stand the shame he feels over something someone did or didn’t do.
Why can’t my husband have a decent interaction with anyone?
Your husband may just be a narcissist if he is having trouble in having a decent interaction or conversation with anyone. A narcissist believes his perfection is beyond doubt and he’s bestowed with powers to steer others in the direction he deems best.
Why does my husband always remind me of financially supporting us?
Narcissists consider their wives as their ‘supply’, which means a narcissistic husband will isolate you from your family and friends, and then emotionally abuse you. Before you recover from the blows of emotional abuse, he will remind you that you are emotionally dependent on him.
Why does my husband use my secrets against me?
A narcissistic husband uses his wife’s emotions, traumas, and intimate secrets to shame her. That’s how he perpetuates emotional abuse.
Why does he portray me as a lunatic after a breakup?
A narcissist would dub you a lunatic publicly after a breakup because he wants you and others to believe that you actually are a very bad person.
Excellent summary! Thanks for validating my experience. Even after 7 years…. I still need to be reminded that it’s wasnt in my head, I wasn’t crazy… it was him…. again and again and again
Every single point is spot on.
You nailed him on the spot. Hes two faced to his kids and his brothers and sister. He will never be happy in life .He treats his kids like shit
Everybody wrong and hes right all the time.Thank god I got up the courage and kicked his ass out for good. Now I have trama bonding from this fool. In which I will deal with it. One day at a time.
In my case I simply substituted he for she and it was spot on…
Great article though it bears nothing that not all narcissists are men. Yes men are more commonly narcissistic personality Disorder, while women more inclined towards borderline personality disorder or histrionic personality disorder. All very destructive on relationships.
This is an excellent posts and gives much insight to a problem my wife and I have faced with her ex-husband. He has caused a tremendous amount of arm to us financially because of his ongoing legal harassment. Moreover, he has no relationship with his children and puts the blame on their mother for alienation. He could be the poster boy for a narcissist.
Ken Gilley
My.LegalLessons.com
This is one of the most accurate descriptions of everything I experienced with my now ex. I put up with him for 25 years. I’m now counseling and dealing with PTSD from the constant emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I have three wonderful kids and pray for them every day. Oddly… or not, I still need to read articles like this to remind myself why I left and to justify my leaving. Thank you!
@Lisa…Your response is basically same as what I was going to say. I went through and still go through every one of these things. It’s horrifying to read all in one article!!! 25 years, four kids…more destruction than I can even understand. I suffer from PTSD as well, as early as this morning I could hardly breathe. I am still in the process of trying to get divorced from him…it’s been almost two years so far. I feel so weak right now, like everything will never get better! My three older kids (21,20,17) are so hard on me now…it’s crazy. I also have a nine year old who is trapped in the middle. This should be a crime as far as I’m concerned. It’s one person destroying another person just for the thrill of it…all in the name of love. This article helps me know that I’m not alone and there is hope and eventually healing! Thank you!!!
#45 – Took me 5 years to feel again after the divorce.
I believe the numbness was, for me, a protective state, a shell created to deflect the constant psychological and emotional abuse. It aided in my ability to gray rock. But it takes time and effort to molt out of it after you break free. I don’t think I cried at any time during the last 10 years of my nearly 23 year marriage and I have never regretted the years of planning and preparing to divorce him. 5 years.