Recovering from divorce was extremely challenging, one of the most difficult experiences I have ever had to endure. There were so many pieces of the puzzle that had to be put back together. Not only was I having to heal from the dissolution of my marriage, but also from the second-hand trauma that affected the entire family.
I knew that in order to start the healing process I had to journey within and first heal the one person that mattered most… ME.
Divorce dims the spotlight on EVERYTHING.
Everything that was once buried and neglected came erupting like a volcano. All my hurts, my fears, and all the ways in which I had neglected my spirit. I remembered my tipping point so vividly. It was the moment I reclaimed my power and dropped BLAME like a bad habit.
Yes, I was angry, and yes, there were so many ways in which we handled the unraveling of our marriage selfishly, but I knew that either I could be a victim or I could get the help I needed to heal what brought me to this unconscious relationship in the first place.
I had no idea where to start. I was completely oblivious to the world of self-help, and so was everyone around me. The small box that I put myself in was limited, and I had no tools to get out. At the time the people that knew my struggles suggested getting a counselor. So, that’s where I started. I actually started seeing a counselor at the tail end of my 19-year relationship, before the words “I want a divorce” came out of my mouth.
I saw a few different counselors: by myself, with my husband at the time, and with my children. All of it served a purpose in my journey towards healing, and I am so grateful to those that helped me. I could only have gotten so far on my own with the tools that I had. There were things that I was just not able to see on my own.
You aren’t aware of how you got to your suffering if you don’t have people in your corner giving you perspective and challenging you to open your mind. It’s easy to point fingers and make someone responsible for your pain. I know, I sure did many times. But, taking ownership of my shortcomings allowed me to create real lasting change.
You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.
So, there I was, in counseling, unpacking baggage and getting to the root of how I got led to my suffering. The puzzle pieces started painting a picture. It led me back to my childhood, I started shedding layers of baggage I had been carrying, and lies I believed about myself. I metabolized all the limiting beliefs I was spoon-fed. The deadweight started lifting, but I felt like I was still craving more.
Should You Hire a Divorce Coach?
I didn’t stop there. I was all in! I wanted deep-rooted healing, but I also wanted a life that lit me up like the 4th of July, I wanted fulfillment that would make my heart sing, a relationship that I could only ever dream of, and a legacy my children can be proud of.
I got exactly what I asked for.
Let me back up for a minute (full disclosure). I didn’t manifest the heck out of my dreams without the help of a few amazing coaches. You may be asking, “What is the difference between a coach and a therapist?” Therapy often focuses on the past and possibly dysfunction or illness, and coaches focus on the future and goals. Coaches are interested in awareness, action, and accountability. In coaching, you are the expert. A coach helps clients dig out what they are unable to see for themselves.
This is exactly what I got out of working with my own coaches. I was able to use my divorce as an opportunity to heal, and through that healing, I found my life’s purpose, which is to serve and help others who are stuck in the aftermath of divorce, and to create a relationship of a lifetime. The promise of creating a relationship of a lifetime is the one that I coach clients to have with themselves.
Isn’t that the most important relationship you must create…the one with YOURSELF? How can you have healthy relationships when you are drinking from an empty cup?… You can’t!
OH…I also found the man of my dreams! We’ve been together for over five years now, and we added a new addition to the family. This is the legacy I want to leave behind, one that allows my overflow to spill over to my family. I want my healing to speak for itself.
What changed after coaching?
My language changed, which started shifting my mindset. I started questioning my beliefs, or I should say my limited beliefs that at the time kept me stuck in guilt and shame. This limited mindset kept me small. I started debunking many core beliefs, which were not all mine but carried from generations before me, much of which was no longer serving me.
The shame of being divorced wasn’t serving me, the guilt for “breaking up” my family wasn’t serving me, feeling like a terrible mother wasn’t serving me, avoiding people wasn’t serving me, and giving my power away to everyone was no longer serving me.
Divorce Coaching was the best investment I made for myself, and it continues to be. My children have a mom that is present and is living with purpose, my partner has no obligation to “complete me” because I am responsible for my own happiness, and every day I continue my journey towards living a life that brings me joy. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Thanks for your article! Unfortunately, I went through a challenging divorce. During the divorce, I went deep into work so that it would not hurt so much. Of course, this influenced my work, and my reviews became even more informative and colourful. However, it was still difficult for me. I think that if I had read your article before, I would most likely have hired a coach to help.