About to separate or, are recently separated? Here are eleven expectations to demystify the crazy train you are about to board and help you navigate the process. Good luck!
1. You will be so afraid of the unknown that you will reason with yourself that even though you are miserable, you at least are comfortable enough that you can endure your unhappy marriage. You will try to convince yourself of this, although in your heart of hearts you know that it isn’t true. You will tell yourself lies and convince yourself that you shouldn’t split—for the kids, for the finances, etc. You will bargain with yourself because you are scared. Know that this is normal.
2. The rollercoaster and complexity of emotions you will feel when the decision is made to separate is unlike anything you have ever experienced. The grief, the pain, the confusion, the fear, the desperation of wanting to be loved after your spouse is gone. But even though you don’t know it, there is a weight that will slowly start to ease from your shoulders—the same weight that you denied all this time when you told yourself nothing was wrong.
3. Your self-esteem may shatter, and you will be desperate for love and validation. You will think that nobody will ever love you or want you again, and you may be tempted to to date immediately and latch on to the first person who pays attention to you. Resist this urge to attach yourself, even if you have not had that romantic touch or intimacy for a long time. Trying to fill that void with another relationship robs you of the chance to heal.
4. Although you may tell yourself that you’re fine, you will need a support system: a therapist, a support group, good friends, the non-judgmental anonymity of online forums. Whatever combination of systems you choose should help you attain two objectives–creating a safe place for venting, while also helping you find constructive ways to cope with the divorce in a healthy manner.
5. Once you and your spouse decide to split, you will feel like you are getting sprayed with an industrial fire hose. The number of “to-do’s” and “should-do’s” regarding emotions, finances, legal issues, custody, and other logistics will come at you with incredible urgency; you will feel paralyzed and overwhelmed. Understand that splitting is a process. Like any process, there are things to address immediately (safety, shelter, income), things to address a little bit later (understanding legal and custody issues, finding an emotional support system) and there are things to address longer-term (ensuring your separation agreement is something you can live with, making sure you and your children are adjusting). You will need to remind yourself that divorce is like a marathon and it requires patience and persistence. Save yourself the stress by accepting that not everything has to be done right now.
6. You will have no control over your spouse’s behavior. For serious offenses (threatening harm, cleaning out your savings account or wracking up debt on a joint credit card), you will absolutely need to take action. But there will also be annoyances that may not endanger you, but will anger you. It may seem like they are trying to make your life as miserable as they possibly can, which could result in a long, drawn-out, expensive, soul-sucking divorce for you, if you let it. You will need to remember that although you can’t control their behavior, you can control how you react to it. Your decision to take the high road despite how they act is entirely up to you. Like most things during the split, it will be easier said than done.
7. You will be tempted to make certain divorce decisions that are driven by emotion, rather than driven by logic and handled in a business-like manner. You will constantly forget that divorce, boiled down, is a business transaction–a splitting of assets and incomes. The logical part of you will understand this, but the part of you that is hurt may spend months fighting over things that have nothing to do with business at all. During the legal process, you will be forced to choose your battles. Choose wisely. You will need to learn when to fight for the things that are rightfully yours, but also when to let other things go. You will need to learn that nobody wins in divorce. Otherwise, you will find yourself robbed of years of your life fighting in court, having spent tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees that could have been put to better use in your post-divorce life, and so emotionally distraught that moving on will be extremely difficult.
8. You will find yourself in new situations that make you uncomfortable. There are too many to mention here. You may be re-entering the workforce. Your budget may be tight.
9. Your children could have trouble adjusting. If your social life revolved around other married couples, this dynamic may seem miserable for you. You may find friends treating you differently, thinking for some reason your split means that their relationship is in jeopardy. Understand that you are not alone in all of these struggles, and that whatever you need–career help, financial advice, counseling, new opportunities for socialization–are out there. You owe it to yourself to research those resources. Do not allow any of this discomfort to make you bitter, or drive you into hiding.
10. In your times of despair, you will wallow in self-pity. You will break down frequently at the most inconvenient times, and say to yourself, “my life was not supposed to be like this. I thought my marriage was perfect and we’d be together forever.” You will feel ashamed and feel like you are a failure. This is part of the grieving process, and you will need to learn how to balance it all: accepting that your circumstances changed, learning how to deal with those changed circumstances, and also learning how to heal and move on. You will need to learn that you are not a prisoner to those circumstances, and it is you who has the power to come out of this whole ordeal a stronger person.
11. You will learn that the split with your spouse has presented you with a choice and it is your decision alone how you handle it. You can choose to look at this split as a trauma from which you will never recover, and to be guided by anger and fear and not knowing what to do, or you can choose the path that takes more work–the path where you ask for assistance, get the support you need, educate yourself about every aspect of the divorce (and there are many), and understand that you will have the power to get through it all. The choice is yours.
What can you do to prepare for divorce?
- 10 Pitfalls Of Divorce In The Digital Age
- Couples Counseling: It’s Well Worth The Investment!
- To Stay Or Not To Stay? That Is The Question!
- Why & How To Successfully Divorce Like A Man
Great advie and very true too. My husband of now 34 years walked out of me and our marriage in September 2013, and although we are still married, and not legally separated either, the day is coming that I will ‘jump” first and file for divorce from him.
Yes, my self esteme was in shambles and devatated that someone could do this trauma to me by suddenly leaving without a clue to me that he wasn’t happy, nor was anything ever said. I have cried buckets,, and bukets of tears, from the time he left me, and then only 4 months later, getting a phone call from my brother in NY, telling me he found my adoption documents hidden away in our dad’s apartment. I felt like I lost myself, like living in the “Twilight Zone” and didn’t know who I was.
But, now 1 1/2 years later, I am so much happier without him and know I have the chance to begin another and much happier life without that person in my life. My sons and I are making a change in our lives by moving soon, but the future is a bit scary because I’m not sure how the divorce proceedings will go. I gave up my entire life for my husband and his dreams and aspirations, and lost myself in the process. When you marry very young, at 23 years old, you don’t really know who you are, and what type of person best sutis you either. But this time away from my soon-to-be ex, has been life changing and a truly growing experience of my own self analysis.
Since i know my husband’s personality type, a narcissist and emotional abuser too, I must interview divorce attorneys that can be the bully back, and represent me to their utmost ability and to my benefit. This can be a rattling experience, but a growing one too. I’m not a religious person, but one who believes that someone is always watching our for me. I am an optimist for my future and that of my two sons who live with me now.
All the best to everyone going through this difficualt period in their lives, but will survive and come out better on the other end of it too:-)
Deborah–thank you so much for your kind words and for your strength to share your story. What you are going through right now sounds so frustrating and heart-breaking. I applaud your courage and ability to focus and stand up for yourself and for your two sons as the separation and divorce run their course. Your ability to grow and become a stronger person who is optimistic for the future despite what life has thrown at you really demonstrates what divorce can be–that second chance. During marriage we convince ourselves that life was supposed to be a certain way and we have it all planned out, but divorce shows us that sometimes we will start over, and that is a gift. Best of luck to you as you continue this journey!–Martha
Martha,
Thank you much for your kind words to me, and brought tears to my eyes. Life is truly amazing, but can be quiet hurtful too, with people who hurt you very deeply, although you give your heart and soul to them for years, without question.
When my husband left me almost 2 years ago, I cried for weeks, bearly could eat much less chew any food, and lost a few lbs that I didn’t need to lose either, but those who knew me, or saw me in the grocery store, could see the wieght falling off of me, but knew why too.
I bought the book, “Runaway Husbands” by Dr. Vicki Stark, a psychotherapist for thirty years, whose own husband left her after 21 years of marriage for anther woman, was inspirational and truly saved my life too, due to my trying to cope and understand how any person, or husband could just walk out on someone who only loved him. I know that he left because of his issues, and nothing I did. He just couldn’t cope with his life, his ruining our credit with a bankruptcy, hated his job, and might have had a mid-life crisis, or something, I have continued to re-read her book, making my own notes and dating my growth as a woman who has been truamatized, but who has had the time to step back, and see myself, the person who neglected “Me”, who immersed herself in her husband’s life and many careers, and I can happily say, I am happy he is almost gone from my life, except for getting divorced soon.
Yes, I agree with you, that you cannot plan your life through and through, but have to learn how to adapt, and even ‘wing-it” to the best of your ability. I met and married a military Navy man at the young age of 23, and I too, was in the Navy, and feel that because of this, the military kind of forced us into either marriage or never seeing each other again, because we were both on Active duty. I tried very hard to hold the marriage together, and never develped a career path for myself, didn’t work once my children were born, and moved around all over the U.S. for the entire marriage.
As in the movie, An Officer and Gentleman” where Louis Gossett jr. is telling Richard Gere to DOR (Drop out and quit) the Naval academy, Richard Gere says “I have no where to go”, probably describes my marriage, and always knew that something was wrong, but stayed anyway, because I had no money of my own, and no family either to go live with either.
Sorry this is a long response to you, and again thank you so much for all your support. OBTW: I have also realized that I gave up many of my women friends and relationships because I moved so much, and lost touch with them. It is so very important for women to have the support of other women, because we are women:-)
Hi Deborah,
Thank you for your service! I am also a veteran, and also my divorce was not a result of the stresses and pressure from military life, I have seen literally dozens of friends who were/are in a similar situation as yours–young, married at 19, and they decide to get married so they can live together when they’re still in training, or so that they can have each other’s back and take care of the other when the other deploys. It is definitely a less than optimal system, especially since it pretty much forces one spouse to be in the shadows and not able to develop their career.
A dear friend swears by “Runaway Husbands” when her husband left her, and was luckily able to draw a lot of strenght and support from Dr. Stark’s excellent community bulletin board. One of the most heart-breaking things about abandonment is the trying to find the reason why and how the spouse could just up and leave without the courtesy or decency to disucss it with the person they are leaving. I think one of the hardest things is accepting that you may never get the “why” reason.
So, in spite of all of that, what are your plans now? Are you speaking with anyone about getting your proper legal protections and finances squared away? As a military wife, you are entitled to quite a bit of your soon-to-be-ex’s benefits, and I hope you are speaking with a lawyer or someone at a legal aid clinc to learn about what you are entitled to during your divorce.
Hi Martha, as the ex-wife of an Air Force officer I learned the hard way that I wasn’t “entitled” to any of his benefits unless the judge saw fit to award me those benefits. If a marriage is 20 years or longer a military spouse has earned some based and medical priveleges. As for other benefits like a portion of retirement, that is treated the same way civilian pension funds are treated AND there is certain language a judge has to use or DFAS will not split retirement benefits. Also, legal aid or the military JAG office will not help a military spouse with a civil issue such as divorce. One needs an attorney and preferably one with experience is dividing military retirement pay.
Hi Martha,
Thank you for your service too, What branch were you in? I was in the Navy, stationed after boot camp in Pearl Harbor, HI driving boats and giving the tours to tourists coming out to the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial, and then worked in the Port Services/Opes department supporting them with ship/submarine movements in the harbor.
Only after a month in HI, I met a guy, who I wanted to be introduced to, a submariners, getting ready to deploy on the U.S.S. Thomas Jefferson SSBN. After one month of dating, I moved in with him and anther sub sailor, and then 1 year later, marrying my boyfriend.
Recently, only last week, while I was discussing my husband with my son’s therapist, who is a relationship counselor too, who knows what my husband did to not only me, but our 2 sons too, I told her both my husband and my father were both the same: emotionally and socially stunted, could not show their love unless approached to do so, had no friends of their own either. I told this counselor that I wasn’t looking to marry someone like my father, but she said “They find you”. She means that these types of men are attacted to women like me, and probably you too, who are loving, giving, bubbly, extroverts, who love people around them. Both my husband and my adoptive mother, Norma had men in our lives who ‘sucked the life out of us” for too many years, and it wasn’t until they either left us, or we left them that we became better and happier people for it.
Yes, the book Runaway Husbands did save my life, because my husband had 2 guns in the house when he left me. I was so distraught that any one, especially a husband who I had loved for so many years, and given up my life for in support of all of his dreams, goals and aspirations could do this to someone like me, their longtime friend, wife, and lover. Luckily my eldest son hid the guns, and soon after he left, I turned them into the local police to be destroyed. No, I will never get the apology or explaination I deserve, and know for sure that he is an unhappy person, and proabably has been throughout our marriage to each other. Because my husbannd of 34 years was gone either out to sea or traveling out of town due to his IT consulting careers, we never discussed our relationship and it was more of a ‘honeymooon or sorts when he did come home. I was just his roommate with benefits, not a wife, but someone who forgot who I was. I was unsure of myself too, and have realized just how strong i really am now.
My plans are soon to move to CA, since I recently (1 year ago) found out I was adopted, and born to a French woman in Germany. This finding was only 4 months after my husband had left me. Within 6 months of perseverance, a lots of tears too, I took a DNA test, and two women who are genetic relatives to me , helped me find a living first cousin, who lives in Sonoma, CA who is also a CA attorney, who not only filled me in on my French family but is going to help me find a divorce attorney soon.
Because I was married to my husband during his entire military career of 20+ years, from his coming in as an E-4 and retiring as an O-4 (Lt CDR), I will keep my military health insurance benefits for the rest of my life. I will also get 1/2 of his penison, and hopefully a bit more, since living on only $1400 a month will be poverty for me. I have both our sons living with me, including our youngest, who is mentally disabled (but he doesn’t know it yet) and receives SSI. I am still trying to cope right now with a lot of unknowns, but once I am with my relative in CA, I will have some family support, none of which I ever had during my married life, with moving constantly -from east coast to west and back again. Charleston, to VA, to Monterey CA, to Houston,TX to Sacramento, to Fort Worth, TX and then to Bellingham WA where i hate living here, with no friends nor family around me. I am very sad right now, but hopeful things will improve with a better and happier life for me and my sons on the other end.
If you ever want to talk or write to me, please do. my email is: [email protected], and phone is (360) 296-3813. After watching shows like Sex and the City and Girl Friends Guide to Divorce recently, I have realized just how much women need other women in our lives.
Best
Deborah
Here is an OBTW thought too, As soon as I was beginning to recover from my husband leaving me suddenly, I started writing my thoughts down on paper. I have completed about 5 chapters in a book I am writing about my life, much of which is tragic too, but I am a survivor too, like other women going through divorce too.
The first chapter is called ‘Utterly Crushed” and was also an “aha” moment in time for me to write, because I now see due to his leaving so much about myself, that I lost while married, and immersed in his life, forgettting me. If you want to read it, I can send it to you.