I won’t lie to you, surviving an unwanted divorce isn’t an easy or overnight process. Especially if you were deeply invested in your relationship with your husband. I cried at least once a day, every day for two years. After a few months, I got to the point that I wasn’t crying all day long and, in between my crying I was able to be productive and happy the rest of the day.
Fifteen years ago, my husband went out for a Coke and never came home again. That is how I learned I was about to become the recipient of an unwanted divorce.
During life, we all experience bumps in the road. Some are predictable, some come out of the blue. Few of life’s bumps are as painful as an unwanted divorce. If you are facing or recovering from one you know the indescribable pain and devastation it brings, firsthand. Your emotions run away with you. You go from being angry to feeling guilt and thinking you’ll do anything to put your marriage back together.
An unwanted divorce causes shame, social isolation and feelings of rejection not only by your spouse but also by friends and family. Losing a husband to divorce doesn’t garner the same empathy as losing him to death. The pain is the same, the support you receive is hugely different.
That’s why navigating an unwanted divorce is vastly different from a divorce you wanted. Unless you can afford a good therapist to help you work through the pain and loss you experience, you do your healing on your own. And, very few understand the enormous task of “moving on” after the man you love walks away.
I do, I completely understand. In fact, it’s why I chose the career path I chose. In the hopes of letting other women know they aren’t alone in trying to heal from the loss of their marriage.
Below are 9 pieces of knowledge I learned during my healing process about surviving an unwanted divorce. I hope you find them helpful.
1. Time doesn’t heal all wounds.
The old adage, “Time heals all wounds” is only partly true. Time does heal some wounds, but many wounds from an unwanted divorce will never heal. However, time does lessen the sting, and with time, the flood of memories and regrets will happen less and less often. You will one day appreciate the pain for what it was…an opportunity to learn and grow.
2. You are worthy of love.
When a spouse files for divorce, your self-esteem can take a beating. Some report feeling worthless or unlovable. Just because you are not able to make the relationship work with that one person doesn’t mean you can’t move on and find a new loving relationship. The divorce had much more to do with your spouse and his issues than you.
Don’t blame yourself. Self-criticism only makes it harder. This is the time to be good to yourself, not beat yourself up.
3. Cultivate positive friendships.
Evaluate current friendships and make new ones. Many recently divorced people are surprised to get a cold shoulder from some of their friends. If they were mutual friends with your ex-spouse, they may be more loyal to him or her than you.
It is likely, though; that you have some true friends you can reach out to at this time. Make new friends by asking someone to lunch or to a movie. You need friendships to support you through this transition.
4. Remember who you were before your marriage.
Remember the past. No, I don’t mean the past relationship. Reach back in your memory to your life before your marriage. What were your hopes and dreams? Were there places you wanted to go or new things you wanted to try? This is a perfect time to take that writing workshop, art class, or other do activities that interest you. Maybe you want to go back to school. You have to make a new life for yourself and it should be self-nurturing.
5. Take time to grieve.
Give yourself time to grieve. Look through old picture albums of the marriage, play “your” songs. Have a good cry. Cry deeply and then let it go. Give yourself a time limit on your grief, and then make a pact with yourself that you won’t let yourself dwell on the negative feelings any longer. Having a daily pity party is good in the beginning of your adjustment period, but you need to set a limit on it.
6. Get re–acquainted with yourself.
Get to know yourself again. When you’ve been part of a couple, chances are many of the choices made in the relationship, such as where to eat or where to go on vacation, were not your choices but your spouses.
You may not know what you really like anymore. Try new things and learn what makes YOU happy. You now have the freedom to explore yourself and you may be surprised to learn that you are a very interesting person!
7. Explore all of your options.
Use this experience as a catalyst for your new life. Sometimes a traumatic experience can serve to move us out of a rut we’ve been in with our lives. Have you been stuck in a career that didn’t fulfill you? Now may be the perfect time to look at other options. Start your life over beginning today, and realize all the opportunities that are available to you.
8. Celebrate being single.
Celebrate living single. There are many “die-hard singles” who really enjoy living alone. Even if they are in a relationship, there are advantages to being single. You don’t have to share a bathroom. You can stay up late without disturbing anyone. You can cook what you like to eat. You can spend your money the way YOU want to. You can’t change being single now, even if you didn’t plan it, but find ways to enjoy it. Some solitude can be good for all of us as a time of reflection and reorganization of priorities.
9. Take your time when it comes to new relationships.
Be careful to take some time to get yourself grounded again before trying to tackle another relationship. Rebound relationships are never good for either person involved. Therapists generally recommend waiting at least a year to give yourself time to work through the issues associated with divorce before getting involved with someone else.
I won’t lie to you, healing after an unwanted divorce isn’t an easy or overnight process. Especially if you were deeply invested in your relationship with your husband. I cried at least once a day, every day for two years. After a few months, I got to the point that I wasn’t crying all day long and, in between my crying I was able to be productive and happy the rest of the day.
Healing comes slowly and, it sneaks up on you. One day, out of the blue, you’ll stop what you’re doing and think, “I’ve not thought about him in days.” Your new normal will naturally push any thoughts of him or your marriage to the back burner.
Even though I am a man, I was the spouse that was left. i too was seemingly blindsided. Although i knew the relationship wasn’t perfect and what is?, I still had no idea it was in the straits it actually was in.
I find that as the male and primary bread winner for the family that was pulled about by divorce, I had to deal with some challenges that are unique to being the primary provider. It’s really not about gender, it just often aligns as being the male. Anyway, having to provide spousal support, which is an incredible misnomer, to a partner that left me, seems remarkably unfair. I feel alimony should be for the abandoned spouse if that spouse was also NOT the provider. If the abandoned spouse is the provider, I feel alimony should not even be obtainable by the leaving spouse, or be extremely limited.
So I have had to deal with both emotional and financial repercussions of a divorce that I did not initiate or desire.
It has been not quite a year since finalization, but a bit more than two since the initial separation, and still I have days where i am overcome with grief, regret, guilt, anger, or various combinations of the above. I have been in therapy on and off since the separation but i often feel as if I’m either not progressing or not progressing fast enough.
I wonder if you could address some the challenges faced by an abandoned spouse who is also subject to providing spousal and child support, and who is not custodial parent of the minor children as well. It seems so unfair that I was the one who was left and I was the one who also lost the most.
Ruben, I completely agree with you. I don’t believe that anyone who chooses to leave a marriage should benefit financially from that decision. Why should a man or woman be financially responsible for someone who no longer wants to be married to them? They shouldn’t! Here is the rub and where many, many men find themselves. If men don’t want to have to pay spousal support they should not agree to a woman “staying home to raise the children.” They should not marry a woman who doesn’t have a career that is well established and an earning potential equal to their own. I wrote the article above and, although, he is the one who left, I didn’t ask for alimony. No way did I want to be tied, financially to a man who no longer wanted to be with me. I’ve raised 2 sons and my advice to them is to marry a woman who is married to her career. Marry a woman who could never be satisfied being a stay-at-home-mom. Marry a woman who is independent and can survive, with or without your money. They’ve both, thank goodness, heeded my advice and married independent women with careers. We don’t have divorce laws that are kind to either gender. If a woman divorces a man who has beat her or was a serial cheater, that man can’t be held responsible for those bad behaviors. Twenty years ago such a man would pay large sums of lifetime alimony. These days, alimony is short-term and, compared to twenty years ago, not a very large sum of money. My advice, when you marry again, marry a woman financially viable without you. I’m sorry you are suffering emotionally. I’ve been there too and, you will heal, I promise.
Hello ,I just found out my husband is leaving me. We had problems but never thought this would happen. He will not go to counceling or anything and he has started talking to someone else already. We been together going on 20 years in December and life without him seems unbarable. How do you cope? We also have a 5 year old daughter to make things even more complicated.
Hi, Christy, I’m wondering if you read the article above. There are some great tips for coping in the article. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I know the pain well. The good news is, you will heal and move forward with your life. The bad news is, it takes time and patience. I’m adding more links here to articles I think would be helpful.
Hello Cathy, I will read that article you sent thank you. I have not done to much at all so far just getting up in the morning and trying not to cry all day has been overwhelming.
Married 35 yrs. He admitted we had a beautiful marriage. Adult kids were financially needy. We always gave in to kids. Our marriage paid the price. He refused to go to counseling. He admitted to starting to do cocaine. Found 20 yr younger woman with same interests. She doesn’t work. Quit his job, had only 4 yrs till retirement. Took all his money out. Gave me $30k to buy a house but not as part of divorce because I asked for the money and he agreed to gift it to me. He’s working lower paying job, still with younger woman, out of retirement money. I still cry every day.
I was with my ex fiance for six years, we have two girls ages 14 and 4. One day I went to go visit my dad in the ICU and when I left the hospital I got a voicemail stating a judge was calling to talk with me, I had a gut feeling tried to call my ex thinking something happend with one of our kid’s he didnt answer and ignored my calls . that is when I knew it was him leaving . I had no clue where the kids were or what was going on since I was visiting my sick father in the ICU! So I show up home to sheriffs at home and his grandmother abd our daughter and him loading up his grandmas car( she lives in Florida we are in NY) so he had to have planned this prior . he would not let me see our daughter and they took off with a warning we had court the next day . so I go to court and i find out that my ex had made an accusation that I misused my perscription xanex. And he was seeking full custody of our kid, I brought my print up from the pharmacy to prove I was NOT misusing my perscription medication . the judge finally grants that I get the kids and he gets visitation with a very harsh warning to my ex that him and his grandma were not allowed to ever gp to his court room again with accusations like that again . and the judge put it on court record I never musused my medications and that my ex just wanted out of the relationship. The only reason why i was on the medication was to cope with the fact I had SEPSIS and almost died was in a coma for six days they only gave me a 33percent chance to live and I flatlined three times and had six blood transfusions and lost our BABY! Mean while he left me in my coma to go use heroin and he stole from my family . I chose to stick it out with him and help him through his dark time .. So for him to pull this on me now us a complete betrayal. He also moved two houses away from me and the kids . I am having a very tough tike considering he works now its a good job he is on suboxone for his heroin use and yet he acts like he is better then me he treats me like absolute garbage . o I also should mention he took off with our taxes when he left and left me with rent due bills needed to be paid and left me with no money he took 6500 dollars and I was a stay at home mom agreed upon by both of us considering my health issues .. I had no help for pull ups wipes , groceries , nothing. This man has literally tried to destroy me and I have to see him very often since he gets visits and we live in a small town and he moved two houses down . also he left me with no car because while he was using heroin he drove my car into the ground but when he left me he went out bought himself a car with the tax money he took!! I am having a very hard time coping with him or any of this .. He seriously talks down to me all the time and acts like I am just beneath him and his family ( who claim to be Christians) . please help me . and I have read your article as well