If you had a dollar for every time you or your significant other, said, “I love you”, and you weren’t sure if they meant it or you meant it, then, you may be on your way to hitting the lottery without ever playing. Yes. The love may have never existed, you may have loved a part of them or you just fell out of love all together. Anything is possible. As emotions flare for the love of another, we make decisions that just may not be the best decision. Like getting married.
There are seasons when you should get married, but, there are reasons why you should not get married. There may be a host of reasons why you shouldn’t get married to the person you fell in love with but I’m going to share with you five.
1. The Jones’s
Your friend Sally got married two years ago and you were a bridesmaid in her wedding. Now Sally is pregnant with her second child. You have been involved in everything related to Sally’s life, including when Sally picked out her new house and the Mercedes Benz parked in the driveway. You appear happy for her. Congratulating her on all of her achievements; yet, when you have a bottle of Pinot Noir, you blurt out all of the envy and jeaolousy that has been building up over the years.
You meet Johnny. Yes. His name is Johnny. First, you don’t like his name. Strike one. Next you don’t like the fact that Johnny is a mama’s boy. Johnny loves the air you walk on so he buys you the ring you don’t like and proposes. What do you do? You say yes. You sign a contract to be with someone that you find unappealing because you are tired of hearing Sally’s stories of happiness. Keeping up with the Jones’s to find happiness will leave you more depressed long term then possibly drugs themselves. You were high off of someone else’s life and pretended to be happy for the sake of your own desires. Why pay thousands of dollars for a ring, dress and reception when you know you will never find happiness in your choice of man. There isn’t a relationship that will last if it is determined by what goes on around you or other people’s opinion about you.
Let’s take a look at Janet. Janet is another dear friend of Sally. She is unwed and without kids. She is always talking about how many kids she wants and the kind of house she desires with a big backyard for the kids to play. Her boyfriend Jeff tries to survive the day, let alone week, dealing with the pressure from Janet about getting married and her biological clock. He also wants kids and is fully aware of the hands moving on your clock. If you can’t have kids, then, your clock kills it for him also. Jeff proposes indirectly from the pressures on the back of his neck. You get married and the next month you find out that your pregnant, but you also find out Jeff is coming home later and later. Who wins? You appear to have gotten exactly what you want not realizing you have lost the man you pressured to get you there. Jeff may stay because of his morals, but cheats to escape insanity, uses drugs or alcohol to get through his daily misery or indulges heavily into his hobbies. Everybody at some point will seek what makes them happy with or without support. If having a child is that important, then have a child. If how you live your life is predicated upon the opinion of others, then when do you live your life and not theirs.
3. The Package
Next there’s Pam. Pam appears to be happy single. She goes to happy hour more times than there are days in a week. She keeps many male friends but has not committed to anyone. Pam meets Mark and is immediately in love. The conversation about love and marriage, unlike the Bundys, becomes the topic whenever you see Pam. As you listen to her, you realize everything that qualifies Mark as marriage material is superficial. He is the definition of the total package that satisfies everyone else’s opinion of you. He has the looks, the height, the body build, the income and the sex isn’t bad. Pam and Mark get married and go to Cancun for their honeymoon. While on vacation, they get into their first dispute. Mark knocks Pam in the face and to the ground. Pam realizes at that point, she selected the wrong guy.
4. The Cinderella
Do you remember the story about the midnight bell ringing and a young girl’s dream ends as she must return to her reality. A handsome man really liked her enough that she was able to enjoy her life for one night. “If only for one night” as Luther Vandross sang. What happens when the people around you seem not to love you. Family is distant and friends are really associates. Kelley meets Matt and she feels like Cinderella. Her parents divorced when she was young so she never knew her father. Her mother did nothing to explain how life was going to treat her except when her mother had many boyfriends.
Kelley thinks she is breaking the mold. She gets married to Matt because he saved her. He brought her the shoe she lost as a child. She has never really known herself so she overly loves Matt. She wants to know every move Matt makes. She calls him on the way to work, at work, and on the way home. Matt is beat up, but his morals have him answering the phone each time. When Matt goes out with the guys to unwind, Kelley overreacts about where Matt is or what Matt is doing. She tries more to control Matt than to control herself for the sake of not being loved. No one can love you more than you love yourself.
5. The Fixer
Lastly, there’s Kimberly. Kimberly grew up going to the best schools. Her family has always been supportive in everything that Kimberly has done. She meets Michael and recognizes immediately that Michael is rough around the edges. In her mind, there are some qualities about Michael that need to be changed. Instead of leaving Michael in that pub and walking away months ago, she thinks Michael could be “the one”.
They get married and she changes right before his eyes. She is not the adorable, suportive lady Michael once knew. Kimberly becomes more forceful in trying to change Michael into the man she desired within her daydreams. Michael catches wind and starts to shut the “Fixer” program down. Michael can no longer live under the same roof with a woman trying to fix him because she thinks he’s broken. Minor comments about small personality indifference may be altered to be in unison but major comments about large personality indifference lead to resentment and/or divorce. No one wants to be fixed. People want support during their tranformation if they’re transforming.
This sounds like a sitcom, but, life is real and desires are true.