The Conversation: How to Tell Your Husband It’s Over

How you tell your husband it’s over will influence what gets returned to you from your spouse.

 

Telling the person we promised to love and cherish for a lifetime that it’s over is likely one of the most difficult conversations we can have in our lifetime. We avoid the conversation for months or even years. We might wait for an argument because we find it easier to do when we’re angry. Sometimes we even start getting destructive – picking fights, cheating on our spouses or becoming secretive and disrespectful. There are times that we wish they would be the ones to make the decision and walk away so that we never have to be the one to actually say the words, “It’s over.”

But our spouses deserve better than that and frankly, so do we.

Here’s why it’s worth intentionally getting this right when you tell your husband it’s over.

How Do You Want to Feel When It’s Over?

One day – long after the marriage has ended and you’ve both moved on with your lives – you will look back at this time and how you handled this challenge. Ideally, you will want to feel like you handled it with respect, honesty, and maturity. You’ll want to feel like you showed up as the best version of yourself in the process of lovingly releasing the marriage.

What You Put Out, You Will Get Back.

How you enter into this conversation will influence what gets returned to you from your spouse. If you enter into it with anger and blame, you should expect to get that in return from your spouse. If you come at him with guns blazing, high priced attorneys, resentment, and rage, then they have to armor up in order to defend themselves against what will clearly feel like a battle. And you should then expect that the next few years will be filled with tens of thousands of dollars in lawyer bills and more stress than you’ve experienced in your lifetime. If, however, you approach this conversation with respect and compassion, you might just get that in return.

The Generational Impact of Your Actions.

Lastly, the reason you want to take the time to do this intentionally and as gently as possible is that if you don’t and you and your spouse destroy any goodwill that might exist between the two of you, it will impact your family for generations. If Mom and Dad can’t be in the same room together post-divorce, every get-together for decades will need to be navigated differently by your children in order to accommodate your inability to continue to see each other as human beings deserving of respect. Every holiday, your daughter’s graduation, your son’s wedding, the birth of your first grandchild and the grandchild’s first birthday party – all of it will require your kids to arrange it so that you two aren’t in the same room together at the same time.

How to do it.

There’s a very different energy to a discussion when you’re trying to get the other person to understand and validate your perspective, compared to when you’re simply sharing with someone your decision. When you’re sharing your decision, there doesn’t have to be an argument because it’s not a debate. When you’re sharing your decision, no one but you has to understand your point of view. When you’re simply sharing your decision, it can literally be a few well-crafted sentences. Here are a few options:

What I have to share with you is likely to be very difficult to hear because it’s very difficult for me to say. As you know I’ve been struggling in our marriage for a while now and I’ve reached the point that – for me – something has to change. I think a separation is our best option.

Our marriage has been broken for a while. I’ve tried everything I can think of and now it’s simply beyond repair for me. I see a separation as the most logical next step for our lives. This is going to be painful for all of us, but I want you to know that I am committed to making this as peaceful and drama-free as possible and I hope that you will be too.

I understand that this is going to be difficult to hear, but as you know, I haven’t been unhappy in our marriage for a long time. The relationship no longer works for me and for that reason, I’ve made the decision that it’s time for us to separate. I know I played an important role in all the ways the marriage simply didn’t work and for I’m sorry for all the ways I fell short.

The conversation doesn’t have to be long and it doesn’t have to be a hateful argument. It can be kind and compassionate, respectful and mature. If we’re going to be mature enough to make what we thought was a lifetime commitment, then we’ve got to be mature enough to have the difficult conversations when backing away from that same commitment.

FAQs About How To Tell Your Husband You Want Divorce:

Is it difficult to tell your husband it’s over?

Many women find it difficult to tell their husband’s that their marriage is over. They would keep it to their chests for months and wait for an argument to take place before revealing it in anger. Women find it easier to break the news when they are angry. Some women become negative and start picking fights and having affairs instead of having a straight talk about divorce. Others wish their husbands did it for them so they could avoid saying the words that it’s over. 

Will I regret a bitter ending to my marriage?

Chances are that you would regret a bitter ending to your divorce when you reflect over it years later after moving on. Many people do! You would wish that you should have handled your divorce with dignity, maturity and honesty.  

What consequences does a bitter divorce entail?

A bitter divorce means that you would have prolonged legal battles, end up spending thousands of dollars on lawyers and amass heaps of frustration, anger and stress unnecessarily. Don’t expect your husband to sit back and relax when you want to slug it out; expect an equally bitter response. You might be able to resolve issues in your divorce if you approach the matter with respect and a willingness to be amicable.

How would a bitter end to my marriage impact the children?

A bitter end to your marriage indicates refusal on part of you and your ex-spouse to get along in a civil manner even in the presence of children. It’s not only an added stress factor for your children but an uphill task to see both of you together at major events like school events, graduation or marriage ceremonies, birthdays, etc.

Should I make my husband understand my perspective on divorce?

Understand the task at hand when you are trying to break the news of divorce to your husband: you need to go your separate way without running into too much conflict with him. You will certainly run into arguments if you try to make your husband agree with your perspective on divorce. Sharing your decision, however, is different because it isn’t soliciting any opinion on it.