What is the Custody Evaluation Process? The whole process takes several weeks before a custody determination or Parenting Plan is done. The Custody Evaluator interviews the parents and children separately. The Custody Evaluator may request that you bring to your first meeting, a history of your marriage, specifics on children, and if there was infidelity or abuse. She is not a therapist and this is not the time to spill your deep, dark secrets.
All of you will undergo extensive personality testing, including the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index).
Do answer these questions honestly and not how you think the Custody Evaluator would want you to. My friend Jerry’s friend administers this MMPI and he took this test as an experiment. First go around, Jerry answered how he thought his friend would like it and what would make him appear great. Then the second time, Jerry did the MMPI honestly, with how he perceived himself. What a difference between the two. The test administrator told Jerry that he got very low marks on the first test. When he answered exactly how he felt, he aced it and was rated a happy, stable person.
When I took the test the thing that helped me to be seen as a “happy person” is that I did my testing outside in a lovely courtyard. The birds were singing, flowers blooming, so I was in a calm state taking these battery of tests. See if you could take your tests outside of the office with nature around you.
Do meditate, watch a comedy, or whatever it takes to get you in a calm, centered state before doing each test. The results of these tests help determine shared time in custody, so do not do them in a panic. You may be asked to say what the Rorschach Inkblot pictures seem like to you. If one conjures up several images, do pick the happier one, the circus over a crime scene. Other tests are to draw a picture with each short paragraph, or tell a story around a picture shown. Again pick the more positive ideas for these tests, no blood-sucking zombies, please. A psychologist advises people to think of a happy scenario for each of these stories and drawings.
The Custody Evaluator will want to see how the children interact with both parents individually. She asked my sons and I to tell something funny that happened to us. She will ask different questions to gauge the relationship between the children and each parent. She may ask how you deal with a specific problem with a child.
Do save over ten thousand dollars on litigation post-divorce by avoiding my big mistake. My two sons flat out refused to have a session with their father. If this happens to you, let the Custody Evaluator deal with it, not you. I made my sons go to the session with their father and the younger son missed two days of school from stress. Since they did attend, she added a section to the Parenting Plan, “Reconciliation.”
Reconciliation or, also called Reunification, is a long process that has the parent and each child having a different therapist working together to have a reconciliation down the road, even though visitation is still taking place.
Don’t agree to this part. If the children want a closer relationship with an abusive or estranged parent, this is possible without the formal reconciliation process with a multitude of therapists. When the children’s therapist feel that they are ready for this process, then he informs the special reunification ones and all parties involved meet with the new therapists. Even when my sons’ therapist went to court to try and prevent the reunification process, the judge still mandated it because it was in the Parenting Plan. Only the youngest was still under eighteen by then and luckily when he refused to take part in this, so did the reunification therapist.
See if you can work out a schedule with your spouse during your divorce. You both can be creative and since you know your kids better than the experts, possibly come up with an improved shared custody arrangement. The Custody Evaluator is used when the spouses cannot compromise and seem to hit a brick wall. She is more the last resort than the first option. Put your egos aside and truly try to do what is best for your children.
My custody evaluation was a nightmare to say the least. I didn’t consider the lies my ex would feed and in turn get my kids, who were 9 and 7 at the time, to spew to the evaluator, a well known forensic psychiatrist in our area. I was beyond stressed when I took the tests. I was in a fight for my life for my children, was being stalked by my ex, and in a deep depression from the judge taking them from me at the provisional hearing.
I took the tests. I have, in my almost 20 years of healthcare, held children while they died. I have cared for children whose pasts were so horrific, all I wanted to do is cry while I cared for them. I don’t know how many times I have gone home and hugged my kids after a terrible night at work, so thankful they are healthy and safe. So, I answered the questions how i really feel, and my answers were rejected. I was asked to come back and re-take the test, told to answer honestly. So, I did, again. I was found to be “thinking i am a better parent than I am.”
My narcissist ex pulled the veil over everyone’s eyes. When I asked the psychiatrist why he did not look into certain things, I was told he can’t live with us, so gave his best evaluation with the time he had. In the evaluation, he even stated he felt my ex had led the kids to answer certain ways, yet he felt the custody should stay how the judge decided in the provisional hearing. I have yet to meet a mental health professional I trust, because so few are educated in narcissism, and easily fooled. I had to research and educate myself.
Belle,
You went through a nightmare with the custody evaluation too. Thanks for sharing your experience so that many others can learn from it. Sounds like you came out of this a stronger person who fights for her kids.
My ex is a Nrcissist and post-divorce tricked his psycholgist into saying that he would be a great father now and could start the reunification process, so I agree with your assessment of some psychiatrists.
It was such a great help when that psychologist aquaintance told me to think of happy scenarios for the tests that require stories. I wished someone would have shared exactly what to expect going through this custody evaluation process, Belle, so that we were not so blindsided by it.
Being grounded and taking deep breaths helped with taking the MMPI and other personality tests. Agree with you that Narcissits can pull the veil over people’s eyes.
My ex lied to the custody evaluators… In some instances I’m sure it was just to give what she thought the correct answer was and in others, it was just an outright lie (hiding her first DUI for example). She came across and not trustworthy or truethful and not likely to foster my relationship with the kids if she had custody. For me, I had a really great team, and they prepared me so that I would be comfortable and anything I that I was afraid would harm my chances would be seeen as a valid fear. I doubt that they could have coached me to be able to deceive. I think you need a true psycopath or some such to pull that off. The testing is quite extensive.
Thanks for sharing your experience regarding a custody evaluation. You gave us a valuable tip, when dealing with a sociopath (antisocial personality disorder) to have a team approach to handling this spouse. Being coached and prepared helped you in this process. It is easier going into a dfficult situation with your eyes wide open and prepared. Glad you mentioned how extensive the teating is, because that caught me off guard.