Question:
My question relates to my Ex’s boyfriend. After a rough separation/divorce (her idea – final in 8/10; married for 12 yrs), she has been dating a guy for a few months and against my wishes introduced him to our two sons (6 and 11) in October. Anything I say falls on deaf ears. She really involved him during the holidays — he bought a gift on behalf of the kids to give to her as well as bought them gifts for Christmas. All this feels a little fast and I feel at a loss, on how to deal with it. I have not met him and not looking forward to interacting with him at little league baseball games that start soon. Any suggestions?
Answer:
The first thing I’m curious about after reading your email is how your boys feel about the new boyfriend. I know how you feel but I think more important than that is how they feel. Are they comfortable around him? Do they like him and spending time with him? If so, then that is all that matters isn’t it?
I can understand your feelings and I’m not trying to dismiss them. I shudder to think how I would have felt if my ex had introduced my boys to a new girlfriend so shortly after our divorce was final. It would have been painful and of course, I would have been concerned about how it would affect them. I fully understand where you are coming from!
I suggest you follow your boy’s lead. If they appear to have no problem with the new boyfriend then you have the ACT as if you have no problem. At times we parents have to pretend like all is well to keep our children feeling emotionally comforted. So, I suggest you do as your boys do in this situation. If they are happy then you are happy or at least act as if you are happy.
On the other hand, if this situation with the new boyfriend seems to be causing your boys distress then you should consider talking to your divorce attorney. It is common for divorcing couples to have a clause included in their final divorce decree stating that neither parent is to introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend to the children for a certain period of time. Since this isn’t a clause you already have in your decree you could have an attorney petition the court to modify the final decree to add such a clause.
Be warned though, doing that will only cause conflict between you and your ex and that may be more distressing to your boys than the role the new boyfriend is playing in their lives. You have to weigh your options. In the end it may be best for your boys if you suck it up and put up with the boyfriend. If he is respectful, caring and kind to your boys they will be OK with him and like I said before, their feelings are the ones to consider most, am I not right?
My best,
Cathy
Oh Cathy – what excellent advice. Everyone gets so wrapped up I’m the “displacement” and “he’s taking my role”. I’m not sure how long ago you got the letter – but if it was a long divorce that ended in October 2010, mom should be able to move on. And so should dad.
Hello,
I can certainly relate with this guys feelings. My wife left me two weeks after meeting her current boyfriend. Was I ever mad. I tried to limit his interaction with my children. (He was hanging out with them and having dinner with them less than two weeks after she tossed me out of the house.)
What I’ve learned is despite how I feel about the situation is that I have no control over what she does at all. I have also learned to let it go. They went to the local Science Centre together and he bought my two kids some neat robot fish. When I picked them up I was hurt and I sucked it up and acted excited for the kids and told them that we would open them up and play with them as soon as we got to my place. It was tough, this whole thing has been tough, but he seems to be nice to my children and they like him. That’s good enough for me!
We were common law, 10 years together so the laws in Canada are different than a divorcing couple and I don’t think we’ll have any decrees that limit how long before someone she dates can meet our children.
Eitherway, good advice. It might sting a bit, but still good advice.