So many clients and friends claim to want to do what’s best for their children, but fail to realize that often the children just want that sense of a “normal family” occasionally. Can you do it? Can you sit down at the dinner table or out at a restaurant with your ex for a family dinner and give that to your kids?
When I divorced, my kids were so young that I was able to convince my ex that as long as he wouldn’t make the kids go back and forth between homes, he could come to my home, the house we last lived in together before the final separation and continue with “family time” as the kids knew it 3x/week. He agreed!!
After continuing family dinners frequently, almost weekly, here is what I believe are the pros and cons.
1. Who Is Cooking Family Dinner?
PRO – I know my kids get a much better meal when I’m cooking.
CON – I have to do all of the cooking.
This is one of those crazy “mom does it better” issues that most of us mama bears can’t let go. Most Xs are smart enough to let us do it unless there is a new-mama wanna-be in the picture.
In our specific arrangement, the kids have “dinner visits” with dad on Monday and Wednesday nights. I use this term loosely as there has been more than one occasion when the children return home at 7:30 – having last eaten at 11:30 lunch time – to tell me that they didn’t actually have dinner. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! No, no my friends, I’m not.
PRO WINS! So long as the parent who cooked for the children regularly, or the parent who didn’t cook is willing to try once in a while, the kids will enjoy a sit-down dinner with everyone together more often than having to leave the home where they are staying for 2-3 hours and then come home. Besides, you can usually have left overs or make left overs for the next night.
2. What Does Family Dinner Look Like Over There?
PRO – You have a chance to experience what dinner may look like in your ex’s home.
CON – Dinner with your ex in his home may be alarmingly different and hurt your heart.
I can only speak from personal experience, but dinner at X’s is insane. T.V’s on, no one really sits down to eat, kids act like it’s a short-order restaurant often asking for 5 different things instead of what is served. I was so mad the first time I saw this – too busy biting my tongue to eat.
Then, I began to feel so bad for X and the kids. He didn’t know how to do family dinner – especially now that kids aren’t contained in high chairs. Trying to help X instead of constantly criticizing really helped. I’ve helped him work out the go-to meals that the kids will always eat so there isn’t a fight. I’ve helped him appreciate how eliminating distractions can really help them stay focused on eating and interacting with him. I’ve tried to show how much better eating at the same time that they are used to eating helps. Sometimes I even make an extra-large dinner so they can have left overs on his night with him if we are not having family dinner.
PRO WINS!! Remember, the point is to do what is best for the kids.
3. Breaking Bread Instead of Heads Is a Good Idea.
PRO: I know there’s going to be time for a sit down to discuss co-parenting matters
CON: What was the point of getting divorced if I still have to see him this much?!
My ex and I do this so often with the kids that it’s not uncommon when we decide to go out to eat that they ask if dad can come. We are able to talk about school, trading schedules, any issues or accolades the children have going on, and let our kids have “family time.” Even issues that are not pleasant between us somehow don’t get heated if we are at a dinner table with a glass of wine.
We do have those awkward moments when people assume we’re still happily married. I am sometimes even criticized for allegedly giving the kids some false hope of our getting back together. No, I say, we’ve just successfully restructured our family. Sometimes I really have to step back and remember and appreciate that the legal document that we call the divorce decree means NOTHING to our children.
We are still mom and dad and their family.
At the end of the day, I am very proud that we can do this for our kids and really invite you to find a way once in a while to make it happen… for them.
PRO wins!
FAQs on Family Dinner After Divorce:
What do children want after their parents divorce?
Children want their family the way it had been before divorce. While divorced parents worry and consult friends and professionals to find out what is best for their children, they fail to understand a simple fact that their children want both their parents—preferably together. This raises a very important question for parents: can they sit together for a family dinner once in a while to refresh that sense of family for their children?
Should I have my ex over for dinner with children?
The most important thing to realize before you invite your ex for dinner with children is that you guys are not a couple anymore. Some couples make it a point to get together for family dinners for the sake of children while others would completely ignore the idea out of their disliking for each other.
Should I help my ex with family dinner?
The answer to the question is not either a simple no or yes. Here’s the deal: you can help your ex with family dinner for the sake of your children provided you two can get along. If you can’t get along because your ex is a toxic person, then you know the answer better than anyone else.
Should I allow my ex to meet for co-parenting?
A lot depends on the nature of your relationship with your ex if you are thinking about inviting your ex for a meeting to discuss co-parenting. If your ex is known to have a level head, you can invite him to discuss schools, trading schedules and other important matters while giving your children some family time.
Will people be critical of me if I meet my ex for co-parenting?
Get ready for people to think that your guys are either together now or planning on getting together when they see you with your ex. Your family or friends may even criticize you for giving children this false hope that their parents may get together. It’s important to realize that you guys are still mom and dad for the children, who get the luxury of spending some quality family time whenever you guys meet without creating any fuss.
My ex husband and I have family dinners with our kids on the recommendation of our family counselor. We alternate weeks with a mid-week visit with the other parent for dinner and initially, once a month, one of those dinner nights would be “family dinner”. It was weird at first, especially before everything was settled. I think it was beneficial for our kids and for our co-parenting relationship. These days, it’s kind of erratic (more like 4 times a year), but that’s more about everyone’s schedules and the fact that we interact frequently than any avoidance. One of the other benefits was when we started having S/O’s. It sort of set the tone – we get along and co-parent. One guy I went out with had a huge problem with it, but that was a sign he wasn’t right for me. We also would run into friends. It was probably a bit confusing to them, but it also was a chance for them to see that they didn’t have to pick a side.
We always met a a restaurant. It wouldn’t be a problem to host a modern family dinner in our homes now, but thought of being a guest in my old home (I was the one who moved out) would not have been appealing early on.