The Relationship Fade: What Do You Do?

Few things are more frustrating than having a good time with someone over a few dates and sitting back as you see them pulling a David Copperfield. You will feel helpless, angry, hurt and used. What’s more, they won’t be strangers to your reactions, even if they don’t witness them. Those who date and pull a disappearing act are, for the most part, repeat offenders. And, like most repeat offenders, their biggest motivation is not the thrill but in fact the reality that they can keep doing it to little consequence. What will you do when someone pulls this on you?

What a perfect entrée into the consensual lover discussion. As I’m sure you can conclude by the word, to love consensually is to give as much as you get emotionally, physically and otherwise. And in the world of dating in the 21st Century, the consensual path is one more commonly taken than it’s old school cousins, the traditional and unconditional lovers.

Now, about that fading date. Let ’em fade is my most basic piece of advice. A more expounded piece of the same advice is to respect yourself by teaching people how to treat you. In this, your words and actions are in direct association with how you’re being treated by someone. If you chase someone that isn’t chasing you, you’re teaching them that you’re desperate for instance. And, in keeping with this same theme, here are some direct pieces of advice when dealing with someone that’s fading:

1. Get (or stay) back out there. It’s not natural for a lot of women to date around and I respect that. But the commitment of one is not appropriate if one half of the two is fading away, regardless of their reasons. You don’t have to wait nor do you have to walk. Just be. Live your life as you did before you met them. Make them decide if they want to re-energize their commitment. If they do, treat with extreme caution and follow your heart and mind!

2. Maintain control of how you two see each other. While someone is fading away, it’s usually because they’ve lost interest or they got what they wanted. As blunt as that sounds, it’s true. As you notice them fading, make sure you don’t give them avenues to having their cake and eating it too. “I don’t have to talk to her much but when we do talk, we go to her place or mine!” Get the picture? If they want to engage with you, make sure you dictate where it happens and when. I would highly recommend not doing so at your place or theirs. It’s common for someone fading to want to talk and to do so in a private place. Don’t fall for it and don’t let them dictate anything for a relationship that they’re detaching themselves from.

3. Limit your interaction with them as they fade. You want to know what you did wrong. You want to understand what went through their mind when they happily took you to bed only to disappear. These are perfectly legitimate questions and ones that can be pondered and perhaps asked when enough time has passed. But, blowing up someone’s phone or e-mail in the process of the fade is not all helpful. Why you ask? Let me count the ways:

• You’re inviting them into your emotions and they don’t deserve it. Why give them the satisfaction?
• You’re appearing desperate, even when you just seek to understand and, say it with me, they don’t deserve to witness that.
• If someone’s going to fade away, they’re going to do so regardless of your inquiries and anger.
• Said inquiries could give them cause to reply back with something in the neighborhood of “I just had a lot going on and I wanted to see you again but now, with all of these accusations, I’m not sure.”

Bottom Line: You must teach people how to treat you. Avoid the chase. Avoid putting yourself in positions you have little to no control over. Show them you respect yourself and that your love life does not revolve around having met them.

Related Articles:

• The Rebound Relationship: Bouncing Back After Divorce
• Post Breakup: 5 Reasons Why Guys Return And How To Protect Yourself When They Do
• 5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Say Yes To Dating
• 5 Rules For Attracting Long-Term Love After Divorce

photo credit: Love At A Distance via photopin (license)