My time of air-drying will soon be over. The month went by so quickly. My next court date is the finalization of my marriage. The fat lady is backstage and warming up for the show. There are no more dress rehearsals, this is the real deal.
I really have no idea how to articulate what I am feeling. The only word that comes to mind is – weird. I have not cried all week. In fact, it has been a good week overall. Momma finally got a job and a good paying one at that. I am getting back in the groove!
Then today, I decided to re-read some of my old articles – mistake. The tears flowed and continue to flow. My marriage is over. There is relief that it is finally here and then there is sadness, it is truly over.
I have been on the hunt for the perfect Happy Divorce card to give to Pap after everything is complete. Most likely not emotionally healthy or the “Christian” thing to do. I could care less. Not feeling very Christ-like at the moment anyhow.
Here are a few of my favorites:
Chances are that Pap will never know the time I spent looking for the perfect divorce card to make him feel like the shit he is. I will take the high road and these cards will just be for my amusement.
Throughout this divorce drama, I never reached out to the Skank. This was a person who was somewhat a friend. Hell, bitch was at my baby shower. The fact that she has two children kept me from attacking her verbally and physically. She may be a complete selfish asshole, but she is still their mother. I do not feel it is my job to show them their mother’s true nature – slut whore.
Based on the information I have received this is not the first time she has been in this situation and from what I have seen of her and the fact she pursured a married man (yes, she is married also), this will not be the last time. Her kids will eventually see her for what she truly is when the time is right.
The amount of sadness I feel for my son is immense. There are times when he calls for his Dad and it just breaks my heart. My standard response is “Daddy is not here”. As with the Skank and her children, it is not my place to explain to Kiddo what was the major catalysis in the failure of his parents’ marriage, when he gets old enough to comprehend it that will be his father’s job if he chooses to disclose. I have already told Pap that he will be the one having this discussion with the Kiddo, not me.
Pap and I have gotten into a bit of a routine. The only thing we discuss is Kiddo. At times, we share stories back and forth of the utterly funny things Kiddo does. Other times we share the bedtime routine woes. To the outside observer one would not think we are in the final days of our marriage.
At times, I really do hope that at the last minute he changes his mind and does not want to go through with the divorce. Then I think of all the lies he has told me in our relationship and especially during my pregnancy and there after, the height of his affair with Skank. I think of how he sat on the couch next to me and looked me directly in my eyes and lied continually. I say to myself why would I trust this person with my heart ever again?
I deserve better.
Knowing I deserve better and refusing to look back does not take the pain away. It does not answer the questions of what the future holds. It does not heal what is broken. Time is needed to help heal my wounds. Faith and learning to trust again will ease the questions regarding the future.
So for now, the word of the day is weird. Weird that I will be an ex-wife, “divorced” will be my new check box, and working single mommy (finally) will be a few of my new descriptors.
I have used the analogy of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly to describe my divorce process. But I watched the process again today and it is just amazing. Also, one would think for the caterpillar that getting out of the chrysalis would take the longest time. Actually, it is not. It is the air-drying and expanding of the wings that takes the longest in the process. I got emotional just watching this video because the butterfly is essentially a butterfly as soon as it is out of the chrysalis but not quite ready to fly off into the world just yet. I relate to this so much. I feel I am a beautiful butterfly, air-drying and expanding my wings getting ready to fly off into the world.
Peace out,
The Wifey – only a few more days
You are so not alone in this heartbreak… I love the rawness of your post. It is beautiful and healing in itself. I have pages upon pages of my own reflections, VERY similar in nature to yours In fact your “slut whore” is the equivalent of my “bitch whore”. My “bitch whore” was at both of my kid’s baby showers. She actually hosted my second one. Oh, and then I threw her a shower for her second kid… and somewhere along there that meant “Please, wreck my home and do those bitch whore things with my husband!” For Years. It’s insanity really. Yet, like you, many times I find myself wondering if the Divorce is the right thing. Can’t we just start happily ever after over again? Write it differently? Can’t I find it in myself to stop this pain for my kids? They miss their dad so much. But I see the same lies you describe- right in my face. For years. It’s the kind of damage that can shake your entire being to the core. This is a terrifying and thrilling experience, and the rollercoaster is never ending.
You deserve so much better and so much more. You will find it within yourself, you will have beautiful wings and you will amaze yourself at the life you build around you. Peace and Love to you as you take flight with those fancy wings 😉
MJ,
Thanks for the response and kind words.
The audacity of some women shock me still.
Wish you the best also.