Life has a tendency to get complicated. If yours is not, then enjoy the calmness with one hand and hang on to your britches with the other because at any moment it could flip upside down.
If I have learned anything over this last year, it’s that nothing in life is guaranteed. We have to write our plans in pencil and give up the eraser.
I would love to say I’m in control of my life, but that would be a joke. I have decided all I get to do is be ring master to my crazy four-ring circus. Why four rings? That’s where the complicated part comes in.
In one ring are my two teenage daughters. This ring feels natural and I love every part of it.
I was a stay at home mom for many years, so I absolutely treasure this aspect of my life.
The second ring would be the ring where my relationship with my soon to be ex husband resides.
We will get back to that later.
The third would be where my relationship with my sexy boyfriend resides.
Oh, the things I can write that go on in this ring.
The fourth ring is where I stand.
Yes, I know I’m the ringmaster, but there are days I have to step outside of myself to pull myself together. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then clearly you haven’t been dealing with separation and divorce very long. Hold on, it will come.
I have learned more things in this last year than I have in my entire life. One of the most important things I’ve learned is, “I can survive!” I can make it. Even on the days I feel like I can’t emotionally take another step. I do. I can.
There will be days with tears. It’s okay. I cry. I learned to stop apologizing for my tears. They are a necessary process in all of this. I have learned I can live by myself. This is a HUGE one for me. You have to understand. I lived at home. I met my soon to be ex husband at the age of fifteen. He was the first and only real boyfriend I ever had.
I graduated high school and married him six weeks later at the age of eighteen. I literally went from sharing a room with my sister to sharing a room with my husband. I had my first baby, a beautiful baby girl, at the age of twenty and I had baby number two, another beautiful baby girl, at the age of twenty-two. Life passed quickly for me as a young wife and mother.
Then when my girls went to school, I went with them. I was a kindergarten teacher for six years. I became a homeschool mom three years ago and then I hit a wall or, something life-altering happened. A year ago last week, I walked out. The secret I had been hiding came out and my soon to be ex hit me for the last time. I had been caught in an affair. Yes, I am that woman.
It all happened just a few days before my eighteenth wedding anniversary. But it didn’t happen over-night. Things corroded in my marriage years before. Yes, I should have just “walked away” before cheating. I did not even realize how broken down things were until it was too late.
My life had completely turned upside down. Yes, I know it was my own creation but I still had to learn how to be me after eighteen years of being his wife. I grew up with him. My whole adult life had been based on him. I had to learn how to live as me. That’s a scary thing for a dependent woman.
But, I have learned to live alone. I have learned to sleep alone. That does not mean that some days I don’t like it. Actually, there are days that I abhor it. I don’t stay upset for too long. I cry. I get mad. I get sad. I do whatever I need. Then I remind myself, I’m in control of this. For the first time, in a long time, I am in a safe quiet place. No one can harm me now.
Today I woke up in this four-ring circus I created. I was well rested. I awoke unharmed. I awoke healthy. My girls are spending the week with their daddy having a great time camping. He is a better daddy now than he has ever been, but that is another topic for another day. Today I was able to get dressed in peace and quiet and go to a job that I absolutely love. This evening I’ll get to see my sexy boyfriend. What more could a woman want!!! I have realized I’m not merely surviving….I’m thriving!!!