I have delayed living a personal life after many years being a single mom. I didn’t really do this consciously. It just kind of happened by virtue of the responsibilities I had. I became a single mom when my two children were just four weeks and four years old. If you have read any of the past 43 articles I have written for DivorcedMoms.com you will indeed be quite aware that I have been a single mother for over 20 years. I have shared my grief, my triumphs, my challenges, my loves. I have shared my story with you.
I entered the world of divorce as a result of infidelity. I have really thought about the evolution of this experience for me too. I love that time really does heal you. For me, it may have taken a bit longer to come to terms with it because I was too darn busy to even address it.
When it first happened, my world was dark and there was literally no color in it. My head was spinning, and my senses were muted and almost silenced. But I had such young babies, and they needed all of me. What senses I could spare went to the care of those two little people. I had to pull it together. They just took all that I had in me.
Time will not take away the pain, but it will sharpen its soft edges like the ocean polishes glass.
As time has passed and I have been able to deliberate on that cruel word called infidelity. I have become more acquainted with it over the passage of time. I guess in some extremely bizarre way it has found its way into the fabric of my life. And I have been wearing the coat of this word for many years.
Infidelity: an act involving a third party that violates the standards or boundaries of a relationship between romantic partners.
The clinical definition is…well…just that. Quite clinical. But when I looked at that definition, I was not so sure it applied to me. After all, I didn’t commit an act of infidelity. I didn’t violate the boundaries of my relationship with him. I didn’t live a life of lies. My relationship with him was built in the light of day. Not under the cloak of darkness and deceit.
As I said, I have had many years to think about this. Yes, it took a third party like the woman he left us for, to break us for good. But I have never met this person. How valid is she really? I knew that a woman such as this would never qualify in my circle of people. But then that word infidelity pops up in my head again, and I realize that it was never really about her.
He just isn’t that into you.
Infidelity is just a word that really means, he just isn’t that into you! And that is where the gift of time heals and lends perspective.
I finally understand that he just couldn’t stay with this family any longer. He needed a get out of jail free card I guess. My perspective now is that I see it was never me who blew it and lost him. He blew it. He left a fantastic family. He left an amazing woman.
A woman I could never imagine could be so fierce, courageous, strong, and loving. Because it took all of those attributes to be the single standing woman who took hold of her family and not only raised them alone but built them brick by brick single-handedly.
Family: a group that dreams, laughs, plays, and loves together. Always present not only in the good times. The most precious gift.
Family. It’s a beautiful word. And I have the joy of knowing that I have been present for every glorious piece of this family.
I never needed my husband. I am sure he sensed that too, and that was why he decided to seek outside support. But…. he missed knowing two things. First, the girl he married was one person. The woman he divorced was quite someone else.
I got to test my thresholds of love like nothing I could ever imagine. I can honestly say that I would do anything for my two children. And I get to leave this earth one day having a strong knowing of this. He wanted easy. I did too. But someone had to experience the hard in order to shore up two children who didn’t ask to be our kids. Who didn’t ask to be born into a broken family.
Second, he will never know how strong he could have been. He will never know what real family love is. I can’t blame him anymore. I just don’t think that he possessed those kinds of skills. These are things you just know about yourself. I don’t think he ever learned what a real family is because he didn’t experience one. For that, I’m sorry. I think he would have loved being a part of us.
You’ll never know how strong your heart is until you learn to forgive who broke it.
So…time heals all wounds, and he is no longer part of my story. I now see him as just a man who was in my life for a few chapters, but he had to leave. I just had to learn how to live in a different way.
I am still learning.
I am fortunately learning by concluding the book called My Life Volume I. He will not be present in Volume II and beyond. He played his part. Oh, I’m sure our paths will cross as our children experience important life happenings. And I will be glad to see him. He is an old acquaintance who hurt me very badly a long time ago, but who I have to forgive now.
And perhaps her too. It’s hard to forgive a person whom you have never met. It’s been hard to know that a stranger like her took a baseball bat to my children and my life a long time ago. But I want to try to forgive her too. I won’t be able to go on and live my best Volume II and beyond if I don’t leave the past in my rearview window.
So as the sun sets on that part of my story, I’m moving on. And I wish nothing but the best for all of us.