Sh*t….GD and Mother-effer….I had a momentary set back. The times crying are getting shorter and shorter, but they are getting odder and odder. I have also realized, they will happen no matter how much I try to be tough and ignore the feeling.
Kiddo and Pap are back from their trip. I just love my kid. At the airport, he came running to me yelling “momma” as soon as he saw me. Then gave me a huge hug. Can I bottle up that feeling and take daily?
Kiddo then said he rode on a train. That kid loves trains. He is forming sentences so often now. Before long he will be asking for the car keys. Thankfully, not quite yet.
He then proceeded to spit in my face all the way to the car. I, of course did it back and he loved it.
I had no idea this was called “Rasberries”. Google!!! If the NSA ever looks in to my search history, they will cleary see that I have issues. I google practically everything. Just to see what is out there.
I email Pap’s dad, thanking him for the gift he sent and hoping they had a nice visit. He responds and tells me about their visit and how great it was to see Kiddo, but that I was missed from their visit. This was the first time we did not visit Pap’s family as a family.
And then he writes, “And I also wish you a very Merry Christmas and nothing but good, positive and happy things in the coming New Year!”. Then the tears flowed. Shit..
Pap’s dad has always been on my cheering section hoping that Pap and I get back together. I heard his voice saying “keep the faith” so many times in the last year as I tried everything to save our marriage. He was so optimistic. He gave me hope, but I finally had to let that go.
I think that is where the tears stemmed from, truly letting go of my marriage. It’s a realization now. It is a fact that we will be divorced. The tears did not last long. I acknowledged the pain and moved on.
I find it odd that Pap’s dad was the most vocal supporter of our marriage to me personally. I do not know what he said to Pap on their one on one talks, but in his emails he would tell me to keep the faith. I kept the faith for too long. Maybe he sensed that is what I needed to read at that time. He no longer discusses the marriage in our emails. It is all about the Kiddo now. Maybe this too was another factor for the waterworks. We are all realizing that it is over.
Change….such an odd thing we fight so hard against. In my career, it is all about change. The quicker one can adapt, the better off they are. It is so different in our personal lives.
I fought this divorce for a year. I fought the change of my marital status. I fought the change of my family. I fought the change that is going on within me. Yet, when I finally accepted things as they are, the weight lifted.
Pap’s dad has this as his auto signature on his emails:
“Life is what happens when
you’re making other plans.”
And every time I read it, I take away something different. This time my take away is that yes, I had plans to be with this man till death parted us, but life had other plans. This is neither good nor bad. This is just the way it is.
Rasberries and John Lennon….