Last year, my ex took his sabbatical in Turkey. After returning, it was clear that he would eventually move back to our area. How and when that would happen, not so clear.
After taking a deep breath, my head started spinning in all sorts of directions on how to absorb and process that information. How would this affect our daughter Mina? How would I be able to do it all? How would visitation work? The list kept spiraling.
What I didn’t expect was his request to reduce his parenting time with Mina because he didn’t think it would be fair for her to get used to having him around. Huh?
I somehow couldn’t wrap my head around that one. His next move could be 1-5 years in the future. I would have thought that there would be a request for more time, not less, in order to create a strong enough bond to withstand the distance.
Preparing For Fulltime Single Parenting:
The experience from last year’s sabbatical prepared me for this eventuality. I recognized that I needed to create a support system of friends and daycare, and scheduled rest time for me to recharge. I made a list and began reaching out to friends to see how they could support me when or if this transition happened. The support was overwhelming. So many offered to take Mina one night a month so that I could have time for myself. “We will help you and Mina” was their mantra, “don’t worry!”
Next, I went down and signed Mina up for the aftercare program at her school. It is affordable and available on a drop-in basis. I only paid for what I needed. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to have that opportunity. I had regretted not doing it last year during the sabbatical and became exhausted trying to balance work duties within the confines of a school day.
The more I did after that conversation to proactively lay the groundwork for the future, the more relaxed I became. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but at least I was working on a plan to help me.
Prepared My Child For Less Time With Her Dad:
The hardest part for me was bringing up the conversation with Mina that her dad wanted to reduce his parenting time with her this year. How do you do that without it coming across that her dad didn’t want to see her? I really struggled with it and avoided the conversation until the last possible moment. Through emails, I had proposed a schedule to her dad for the upcoming year. His counter proposition eliminated four nights a month.
I decided to put the times down on a visual calendar for her to look at objectively. The more I made it objective and tangible, the less it became emotional. I calmly told her that we needed to take the time to go over time with her dad this year. She asked about my proposed schedule, then his, and sat looking at the calendar. Because I was able to distance the conversation from the emotional element, she was able to think about what she needed. After a few minutes, she came up with her own counter offer; she accepted the reduction of time during the week, but still needed her Sundays with her dad.
I felt that was a fair compromise and emailed it off to him. Her compromise was not accepted. I asked her how she felt about it. She just sort of looked away and said, “Mama, I don’t want to talk about it now. Can we talk of happy things instead?”
It will be hard for the little one as she tries to wrap her head around this new arrangement, but she has a lot of support and love around her to help her through.
What I do know is that being proactive and not reactive helped to ease the stress and pressure from my shoulders. Focusing on what fun stuff she will do with her friends at the different aftercare programs helped to ease into the transition. It won’t be easy, but having a plan of action brings comfort, knowing that we will all figure out a way to be OK.
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Is your state one where percentage of time impacts child support? If so, I would make sure adjustments are made there too. Clearly, he doesn’t want much of the emotional responsibilities of being a parent, but he doesn’t get to avoid the financial ones.
Your daughter is fortunate that she has you and that you are working so hard to ease this transistion for her. It is sad for her that this is who he is, but perhaps learning the lesson now will help mitigate the impact later?
I am already getting a lot of child support because my decree was filed before they changed the system. It is so sad for her. She has come home and just is so sad. She doesn’t like the early drop offs that used to be over nights. There were nights she was an emotional mess and wanted to go over the divorce and our marriage again just to understand. She and I talked a lot and I told her that if having her overnights back was important for her (she’s 8) then she needed to be the one to stand up for them. I had tried to fight for them, but he wouldn’t do it. I was so proud that she actually took the time to write an email asking for her time back. She got half of the nights she lost back beginging the end of october. At least he compromised.
I just don’t understand how a parent doesn’t want time with their kid when more is offered. She just finds it hard to reconcile: “Mama, I just feel that I care more about my dad than he cares about me!” How do you explain to an 8 yr old that sometimes people are capable of only so much?
Mind boggling and truly frightening that he would turn down her request. It is one thing for him to ignore your concerns, but to have the gall to ignore hers. One thing is for sure, if I were you, I would be concerned about letting her visit him should he ever go overseas again. He doesn’t sound particularly invested in her mental well being.
Is there another woman who is influencing him?
Yes, there is another woman..I think he just wants to start over, make a new family with her and move back to his country. My daughter is very much like me. I think it is hard for him and his new partner to have her around because she is so much a Mini-me and it makes them uncomfortable. Mina defintely can tell that he does things more for the new partners benefit than for Mina’s. This has been ongoing for years. It has gotten a bit better regarding the new partner. Two years ago, the new partner was so jealous of the attention my ex gave my daughter that it got scary, borderline psychotic. Maybe she went on meds, but that seems to have reduced and not so much an issue anymore..Life after divorce can be so complicated sometimes…sigh
Sigh is right. She will figure it out soon enough on her own, and then she will choose not to see him. Sounds like that won’t be a battle he will fight.
Hugs to you and Mina.
While the article struck home a bit for me, you should be happy that you get to spend time with your kids. There are literally tens of thousands of Dads like me who are prohibited from even seeing their kids (it has been 3 years since I saw my daughter who is now 15). I am not sure where you live, but your reference to 50-50 parenting time is widlly off the mark. We’ve been trying for several years to make that the norm around here, and the MOST a dad can expect is what you’ve described, which is a dinner or two here and there, and every other weekend time. the cahlelnges for Moms and Dads after a divorce are different, but most of the dads I know and am friends with, are totally envious of the time you get to spend with your kids. Consider yourself fortunate.