What Do You Wish Someone Had Told You Before Your Divorce?

 

We asked Facebook, “What one thing do you wish someone had told you before your divorce?” And, we got answers! Check some of them out below and learn from the experience of other woman have already gone through the divorce process.

And, tell us in the comments below what you wish someone had told you before your divorce.

What women wish someone had told them about divorce before they divorced.

 

Christina:

1.It will change you forever. You will become hard and sometimes cold-hearted.
2.You will have to fight even when you don’t have it in you.
3.You will always wonder what his motives are when he appears to be nice.
4.If he wasn’t a great parent during the marriage, he’ll be even worse when it’s over.
5.He will always blame you and convince the woman he cheated on you with that you’re crazy.

 

Christine:

You will lose some close friends that don’t understand divorce and you’ll gain some of the best new friends through divorce. Leave the ones behind that can’t support you. They aren’t worth it.

 

Landry:

Don’t be such a nice “guy”. If he wasn’t doing his part for the 12 years prior, he probably isn’t going to be a 50/50 parent now!!!

 

Cathy:

That not all divorces are good divorces. I was exposed to divorce as a child. Two relatives divorced and set a wonderful example of what it meant to be civil with each other and to put their children first. When my ex wanted a divorce I foolishly thought that he and I would handle our divorce in the same manner. I had NO idea that someone could go off-the-wall evil like he did. I learned that lesson the hard way. How I wish someone had told me!

 

Crystal:

Don’t get married in the first place #NeverAgain

 

Michelle:

Get everything in writing. Everything!! Even if you think you’re on the same page or have been on the same page, get it ALL in writing!!

 

Tonya:

That the person you are divorcing is not the person you married. My ex and I get along but when it was ending it was not good and it took a while to get to a place of civility

 

Stacy:

It’s worse than a death because you not only lose your partner you lose the part of the family that came with them.

 

Erica:

It is truly like mourning a death. Don’t ever let anyone dictate how long it takes you to heal. Every situation is different and the grieving process is so important in shaping how you handle the rest of your life moving forward. I wish someone had told me how long I would hold on the idea that my marriage was my “promised life”. I still sometimes forget that I have learned so much from this situation and I am still learning about me and who I actually am and what I am capable of.

 

Laurie:

Never put yourself and your children completely into the hands of an attorney. Just because he/she is expensive, doesn’t mean quality representation. You’d be surprised at how little $495/hr can buy. Attorneys make mistakes that can be very expensive later on. They are not heroes whose job it is to protect you and your kids. They are hired guns, and you are how they earn their money. So remember, you drive that bus. The attorney works for you. Make sure all of your questions are completely answered to your satisfaction and document as much as possible. Your memory is not working at 100% when you’re getting divorced. And always remember, venting to a friend or therapist is much more cost effective than venting to an attorney.

Also, don’t be so fast to file for divorce. Once you file, you are on the court’s schedule. That means mandatory scheduled appearances so the judge can monitor your progress, whether there is any or not. I used to call those $3000 days. Often, they were a huge waste of my and my ex’s money.

Filing also means someone else decides your deadline for going from negotiations to a full-on trial. Get a legal separation and try to make as much progress as possible before filing. Basically, negotiations can be done at your pace and then you can file when you’re ready to move ahead.

Like any important thing you do, do some research. See how others have done it. Identify the standard from which you will work off of. The more you can do outside of the Family Court system, the better for the sanctity and privacy of your home and family. Do everything you can before handing the most personal, meaningful, and important part of your life over to disinterested, cynical, money grabbing strangers.

And choose an attorney whose offices are near your court. Ask them which courts they work out of. You want one who’s a regular at your court. These attorneys and judges all know each other. If your guy is the new kid on the block, that will be a disadvantage to you.

 

Angela:

Being nice to a controlling man or woman during the divorce just makes him/her think he/she can keep doing it once it’s done.
If you can’t be friends, keep it business-like. Document EVERYTHING from when they have the kids to when they come home and any issues.

 

Sandi:

You thought he was a jerk before…it only gets worse and now you don’t have any say in anything he does.

 

Patty:

That the court system does NOT have the children’s best interest at heart and it has nothing to do with justice.

 

Kelly:

Don’t give up when you feel defeated, you will want to, just don’t. Just breathe and take a break from it all. Take care of you. When it seems like the fight is not worth it, remember you are free from a miserable marriage or soon will be. Focus on what you are gaining and not what you are losing or leaving behind. Material things can be replaced. There is nothing wrong with having to start building a new life from scratch.

It’s an opportunity to learn from previous mistakes. It is OK to be sad. Allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t bury and numb them, you will never get emotionally healthy if you don’t go through the stages. It is a process. Pay attention to signs from your body. You can only control you and no one else. You are only responsible for your behavior, actions, words, ideas, and mistakes. Let the ex spouse be responsible for his/her own behavior, actions, word, ideas, mistakes, etc. Find new interests, new friends, and a new happiness.

 

Amy:

Don’t feel guilty when standing your ground, as long as you are respectful. You are protecting your kids. Also, your kids see every action so look thru their lens before saying or doing something with lasting impact.

 

Karen:

No one can prepare you for how it makes you feel, but don’t be afraid to ask for help or accept it.

 

Elizabeth:

Pace yourself. This is a long war, interspersed with intense battles.