I had so many fears after our divorce. How could I not? I witnessed family members and friends trying to recover from horrendous divorces, all of which seemed to be very unconscious and vindictive.
I carried with me a stigma about divorce. “People that get divorced need to fight, defend, protect, and constantly prove themselves worthy.” That’s what I believed to be true because this is what they emulated.
I watched families getting torn apart, people having to choose a side, friends becoming enemies, children being used as currency, couples using their retirement funds in order to battle in court, and guilt and shame keeping women paralyzed years later.
Little did I know that my fate would lead me down the divorce rabbit hole. I would have never imagined it would be me, after nineteen years and two children. And I also never imagined that I, one day, would be sitting outside a courtroom, in a sea of other distraught parents, thinking to myself, “How the hell did I get here? How did we become these unconscious people?”
What does unconsciously divorcing look like?
- Not having a clear plan
- Unhealed baggage
- Shattered ego and pride
- Using your kids to fulfill your needs
- Blaming your ex for your unhappiness
- Not owning how you got to this unconscious place
- Unrealistic expectations
- Putting your kids in the middle
- Competition parenting
- Jumping into another relationship without healing
- Not being able to co-parent
- Having to “win” all costs
- Reacting to everything rendering you powerless
- Still energetically attached in divorce
What did all of this teach me? That there are no winners in divorce, only opportunities to heal or stay stuck in a victim mindset. It becomes a choice, you can either fight and defend your worthiness and continue to remain powerless, or you can love yourself enough to step away from the fight.
I know the fight. I brought it with me everywhere I went: the fortress I built, the armor I wore, gloves on anticipating the next swing. I had to be ready! I was NEVER going to put myself in that vulnerable place again. I had to hold tight out of fear of what I could possibly lose next.
The energy I carried was heavy. It came with a price. Fear will make you forget who you are; it will choke the life out of any relationship, and what you fear you will attract, and I did attract just that.
As a divorced mother, a universal fear that we carry is “losing” our children. We try to control because we are so afraid that we will lose what we believe is ours.
Glennon Doyle says, “control is love without trust.” I had no trust. I felt alone in divorce, unsupported, left to figure things out on my own. People that I once trusted turned their backs on me because they couldn’t support my decision to leave. That lack of trust penetrated motherhood. I tried to be strategic in my parenting so that I could control the outcome, which was not losing my kids.
I didn’t see the consequences of this until it was too late. When my eldest son was 14, he wanted to live with his dad full time. You can read about my story here.
Anger, rage, and revenge fueled an internal war, and it brought me to desperate places no mother should ever have to experience. The fight was like wildfire, and it was destined to burn everything in its path. My ego wanted everyone to feel my pain, including my own child.
That was not unconditional love. Love doesn’t punish, it doesn’t keep score, it doesn’t keep track of time, and it certainly doesn’t destroy everything in its path.
Had I not learned how to Untie the Knots of Divorce, my internal landscape may have forever been desolate. I needed the right conditions, the right soil, to plant new seeds so that new life can flourish.
What you will find inside the Untying the Knots of Divorce digital course are the tools to help create the optimal conditions for new soil. Without the tools, without awareness, you will continue to attract the same experience that drew you into this unconscious relationship.
I know it feels impossible to forgive someone you felt betrayed by, abandoned by, or unworthy because of their choices. But not healing from this will keep you energetically married, which is why you may still be feeling powerless.
Nobody can make you feel powerless unless you have limiting beliefs that still need to be uprooted. Unless you gain awareness around what is keeping you stuck, you will continue to do what you have always done, meaning you may be spinning in a hamster wheel, getting nowhere, and not having any idea that all you have to do is take yourself out of it.
How does it feel to be in the hamster wheel?
- Reacting every time your ex sends you a text or an email
- Having to defend your choices to everyone
- Fighting in court getting absolutely nowhere
- Wanting to punish your ex or prove him wrong
- Needing to win or be right
- Rallying the troops to fight your battles, which may include your children
- Feeling paralyzed by court documents
- Feeling threatened as a mother
- Feeling like you need to compete or compare
- Giving in to your kids’ demands because you fear losing them
When you do the work to untie the knots, none of this will matter. You’ll stop breathing life into what isn’t serving your highest good, and you’ll begin the journey back to your truth, which is what you have long forgotten. You’ll stop negotiating parts of yourself out of fear of losing any more than you already have, and you’ll be able to parent from a place of unconditional love because you won’t need your children to fulfill you.
Your divorce experience doesn’t have to be one of loss, victimization, or powerlessness. It can be the catalyst you need for change, setting yourself free, and for authentic deep-rooted healing—the kind of healing that reconnects you back to your truth and your purpose.