There is no going back to who the two of you used to be if your marriage is on the ropes.
When you wake up feeling anxious and vacillating between the thoughts of, “I can make this work,” and “I don’t know if I can do this for one more day,” your marriage is on the ropes.
When you move through your day feeling numb, lost and sad because you have no idea how you’ll ever fix all the problems or heal all the hurts, your marriage is on the ropes.
When you go to bed at night feeling alone even though your partner is in the bed beside you, your marriage is on the ropes.
And when your most important and most intimate relationship is on the ropes, your mind becomes consumed with how to fix it, if it can be fixed, and if you even want to fix it anymore.
Many times, clients will tell me they wish they could go back to how it used to be, how the two of them used to be together as a couple so long ago…
…before all the arguing…
…before the kids were born…
…before the affair…
…before the financial struggle…
…before they made other things a priority over their marriages.
But there is no going back to the way it was because there is no reverting to who you once were.
You’re not the same person now as you were all those years ago and the experiences you’ve had since then have changed you.
You’re now someone with needs, tired of putting everyone else’s needs before your own.
You’re now a parent.
The affair changed you and the struggles forced you to grow in ways you never saw coming.
And neither is he the same person. So, there is no going back to who the two of you used to be.
What’s more, it’s become painfully obvious that the option of staying exactly where you are right now as a couple is not an option.
You’re so disconnected and that distance has likely caused arguing, resentments, and loneliness. You know you can’t keep living like this, but you’ve tried everything you know to fix it and nothing has worked.
So, to be clear, going back isn’t an option. And staying right where we are isn’t an option. Which leaves us with the only viable option there is: to create a new type of relationship together, what I like to call the 2.0 version of your marriage.
It’s changing the way you engage with one another.
It’s changing the way you prioritize your relationship.
It’s evolving the way you communicate, the way you demonstrate love, and the way you honor your own and one another’s needs.
The 2.0 version of your marriage keeps the focus on the future and moving forward. It requires us to look closely at the thoughts, beliefs, judgments and hurts we’ve been carrying and consciously make a decision about whether or not we want those to be a part of the relationship in the future.
The 2.0 version of your marriage will look and feel different than your marriage has in the past because you’re different. You’re both different. And it will look and feel different because it needs to; what you’ve been doing has not been working. So if the marriage is to last and feel good again, it has to evolve and keep up with the change that has occurred within each partner.
There may not be any going backward in your relationship. And staying right where you are may not feel good. But you can absolutely evolve into a new type of relationship, one that serves both of your needs and feels good once again.
Sharon is a certified Master Life Coach and a Six-Time #1 International Best-Selling author, specializing in marriage and relationships. Click here to get the clarity you need to know if you should stay or go in your marriage so you can either make the marriage feel good again or lovingly release it.