Six months into my nasty divorce battle, I had lost my job. A blessing in disguise because the weeks I had my son, I was able to spend all day with him. They were some of the sweetest, most peaceful days I had spent with him in his short life.
Temporary orders were in place. I had full physical custody and joint legal. The judge, begrudgingly, allowed me to move with my son out of state to live with my family and start a job working from home. I was feeling great. But Alex was not happy. The day we left court with Temp Orders, he vowed to me to never stop fighting. He said he would spend every penny in court and make me sorry. He appealed the Temporary Orders.
I kept in contact with my lawyer across the country and was far removed from all of the daily email battle between our attorney’s. It was so peacful for a while. So quiet.
What’s that cliche phrase?
The calm before the storm.
The only caveat to the Temporary Orders was that the judge ordered me to pay for Alex’s very liberal parent time. I was ordered to pay for flights for my son and his father for Spring Break, Summer, Fall Break, and Thanksgiving or Christmas. A total of 120 days and potentially 6-8 round trip plane tickets for two people a year. It was completely unfair terms since Alex made two times as much money as I did and his earning potential is through the roof.
But, like Scarlett O’Hara says “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow”. So I pushed the fear aside for a few more months.
In June, I received an email from my lawyer about an upcoming court date. I had been told, by my lawyer, that I didn’t need to be there in person. Now he was telling me I did. In two weeks.
I was overwhelmed with finances and my new life in a new state, still living with my parents, and daily threats from my ex for a new judge and an appeal. The threats were starting to take life and become real. Even if the judge upheld the Temporary Orders, I knew Alex would keep fighting. And I would be in litigation in a state across the country. I couldn’t afford that. Or the court ordered parent time flights. Would I have to give up custody?
I called Alex. I knew the only way for a Narcissist to relent was to feel like they won. I planned on giving Alex the decision making power. I told him I was giving up. I let him draw up the custody arrangement he would want and I would sign it. I only asked that he be fair.
He asked for full physical custody and joint legal custody. He wanted to have our son, Brandon, 3 months and then Brandon stays with me 3 months.
I found this interesting. He only cared what it said on paper. He did not actually want Brandon all the time. True Narc fashion.
I know my decision is hard for most people, especially mothers, to understand. My family was sad, mad, and very confused. My lawyers were beyond upset. But to me, to raise my son in litigation wasn’t the life I wanted for him. What good was my “fight” if his life wasn’t quality?
So I simply stopped fighting. I had to give up custody to let him “win”.
Everyone always tell me do what’s in “Brandon’s best interest”. Well, honestly, it’s in his best interest to not have a selfish, sociopathic father. Unfortunately, I cannot change that. No amount of court or motherly love will change that fact.
It is in Brandon’s best interest to have a present, happy, peaceful mother. Alex could never take my motherhood away from me. It wasn’t up for grabs. That wise mine and it was safe.
I can only control me and I did not want my life to be controlled anymore by Alex.
I have a dear sweet friend here in my new state. She has been battling her Narcissistic ex for 6 years. He had custody, she had custody, he always drags her back to court. I don’t know how she does it. It’s a circular battle for her. She is so brave and I applaud her for efforts and she is the most amazing person and mother I’ve ever met. She is truly remarkable and her son is the sweetest and most gentle boy.
I know I could not do that. I am not that kind of person. I would be a worse mother. I would be a worse person.
I have moved on with my life and let go of the guilt of that decision. It was brave and best for me.
One day I’ll be able to teach my son that life is not fair. Hard decisions have to be made and sacrifices have to be given in order for others to be happy. Everyday, when I think about how sad I am that I have to send him back to his dad soon, I also think how proud of myself I am.
I can do hard things.
On April 11 of 2014 I gave up what was ” joint legal custody. ” I felt the pain that you had experiances and it still comes and goes. The reason why I gave up on joint custody was because there was nothing joint about it. I could not visit with my daughter and when I tried to excercise my parental rights, my narc ex husband would call law enforcement on me even though I had papers from the court. My ex narc is a law officer as well, so he spoke to them in cop language.
When we went to court the judge was very bias because of his status as an assistant chief in the town, and because I hold no position as a law officer or in any legal field, I’m a nobody.
My daughter has been bullied at her school by staff as well as students. She has been called nigger, fat, salt poured in her hair slapped in her face and spit at by 2 students and I have tried to address my concerns with the school staff but only thing they told me was that my daughter is fine and I had no business contacting them due to court order. ” Joint legal custody “
I live in a different state so fighting it proved to be extremely hard and the more I pushed for answers from the school about the conduct at that school with my child, the worse it would get with her. Staff started picking on her. When I told her that she needs to inform her dad, she would tell me that he said for her to ” deal with it. “
My ex husband is black and the jusdge was female and black and I am mixed with very fair complexion.
My daughter was told by the court appointed attorney that I was unfit for her and it would be in her best interst to stay out of her life. My daughter had to sneak on the phone just to talk to me and tell me.
My ex narc had put a protection order agaisnt me, yet I’m not the one who carries a gun and a badge….he does.
So now I have to go to court to finalize that issue on the 10th of June. But I gave up custody because it was never joint, never legal what he did, in fact it was down right criminal, but how could I fight it or prove it…..after all my daughter went through enough and I wasn’t going to keep making things worse for her.
When looks for me, I will be right there for her. I never gave up on her and I will show her that I put up the best fight that any loving mother could for her child.
On April 11 of 2014 I gave up what was ” joint legal custody. ” I felt the pain that you had experiances and it still comes and goes. The reason why I gave up on joint custody was because there was nothing joint about it. I could not visit with my daughter and when I tried to excercise my parental rights, my narc ex husband would call law enforcement on me even though I had papers from the court. My ex narc is a law officer as well, so he spoke to them in cop language.
When we went to court the judge was very bias because of his status as an assistant chief in the town, and because I hold no position as a law officer or in any legal field, I’m a nobody.
My daughter has been bullied at her school by staff as well as students. She has been called nigger, fat, salt poured in her hair slapped in her face and spit at by 2 students and I have tried to address my concerns with the school staff but only thing they told me was that my daughter is fine and I had no business contacting them due to court order. ” Joint legal custody “
I live in a different state so fighting it proved to be extremely hard and the more I pushed for answers from the school about the conduct at that school with my child, the worse it would get with her. Staff started picking on her. When I told her that she needs to inform her dad, she would tell me that he said for her to ” deal with it. “
My ex husband is black and the jusdge was female and black and I am mixed with very fair complexion.
My daughter was told by the court appointed attorney that I was unfit for her and it would be in her best interst to stay out of her life. My daughter had to sneak on the phone just to talk to me and tell me.
My ex narc had put a protection order agaisnt me, yet I’m not the one who carries a gun and a badge….he does.
So now I have to go to court to finalize that issue on the 10th of June. But I gave up custody because it was never joint, never legal what he did, in fact it was down right criminal, but how could I fight it or prove it…..after all my daughter went through enough and I wasn’t going to keep making things worse for her.
On April 11 of 2014 I gave up what was ” joint legal custody. ” I felt the pain that you had experiances and it still comes and goes. The reason why I gave up on joint custody was because there was nothing joint about it. I could not visit with my daughter and when I tried to excercise my parental rights, my narc ex husband would call law enforcement on me even though I had papers from the court. My ex narc is a law officer as well, so he spoke to them in cop language.
When we went to court the judge was very bias because of his status as an assistant chief in the town, and because I hold no position as a law officer or in any legal field, I’m a nobody.
My daughter has been bullied at her school by staff as well as students. She has been called nigger, fat, salt poured in her hair slapped in her face and spit at by 2 students and I have tried to address my concerns with the school staff but only thing they told me was that my daughter is fine and I had no business contacting them due to court order. ” Joint legal custody “
I live in a different state so fighting it proved to be extremely hard and the more I pushed for answers from the school about the conduct at that school with my child, the worse it would get with her. Staff started picking on her. When I told her that she needs to inform her dad, she would tell me that he said for her to ” deal with it. “
My ex husband is black and the jusdge was female and black and I am mixed with very fair complexion.
My daughter was told by the court appointed attorney that I was unfit for her and it would be in her best interst to stay out of her life. My daughter had to sneak on the phone just to talk to me and tell me.
My ex narc had put a protection order agaisnt me, yet I’m not the one who carries a gun and a badge….he does.
So now I have to go to court to finalize that issue on the 10th of June. But I gave up custody because it was never joint, never legal what he did, in fact it was down right criminal, but how could I fight it or prove it…..after all my daughter went through enough and I wasn’t going to keep making things worse for her.
When looks for me, I will be right there for her. I never gave up on her and I will show her that I put up the best fight that any loving mother could for her child.
I am so sorry that you had to experience this loss as well. No mother should feel that pain. It’s almost unbearable. But laying down your weapons and refusing to fight teaches your child selflessness and true love. It is a humbling experience and truly shows how much you care for your daughter. Thank you for sharing. You’re admirable and so brave. Bless you in your journey and I hope that you find peace!
I think u are brave , I was married to a man that went to jail for rape got out of jail and the judge In our small town gave him split custody .. I have been fighting with him for 5 years. Recently I threw in the towel and moved to another star and left my boys with him .. My boys now are 16 and 14 .. Pray everyday that don’t hate me for my choice but I had to do it for me and them to get a little piece of mind ..
You are very brave and wise enough to think about how things will be in the future, not just today. One thing is for sure, a Narc is not capable of being fair. I hope your son is doing well, and enjoy the time you DO have with him. Not every situation renders the same custody arrangement and no one should judge you. Only you know what’s best for your family.
Lisa (fellow DivorcedMoms writer)
Thank you, Lisa. He is doing so well and he is a happy little boy with me and when he’s with his father. It’s a daily struggle to let go of the “mom guilt” of my choices (from marriage to divorce) but it disappears when I look at the calm and peaceful home I get to share with my son.
I know what it’s like to go through an extremely expensive battle with a narcissist about every small detail in our parenting plan. It’s emotionally exhausting to have on-going power struggles with someone who is so self-centered and emotionally bankrupt in the sensitivity department.
We went to court so many times that the judge told us that he had to add extra storage space to his computer to hold all the litigation in out case. Narcissists will keep the battle going long past the point when most couples would reach a reasonable compromise about parenting time.
I can’t believe that about the judge! Isn’t it just ridiculous? Honestly, the entire process has taught me to be so much more patient and to brush things off more easily. Good luck on your journey!
Wow! I’m sorry you had to do this and thankful that you chose to share your story. I have one son and I am thankfully divorcing someone who truly believes that his son deserves both a mother and a father. Our son is 6 and is extremely attached to me. I am his mother. I am his world, but I recognize that his dad needs him and he needs his dad. He cries when he has to leave me, but I maintain a strong face and say it’s daddy’s time and he needs it too. I prayed that he wouldn’t be as bad as some of the men and women that my friends have had to face in court, but thankfully he hasn’t. Good thing is that I live in a state that gives primary custody to the mother 87% of the time. In cases where the father is more successful they only win 21% of the time. It’s sad when their are two good parents, but it’s worse when there is only one. I pray that you will enjoy the time you have with your son and keep being the best mom ever. Happy Mother’s Day to you.
You are very lucky to be able to co parent with someone. Your child will be able to see some serious teamwork and cooperation from both sets of parents. I feel double the pressure to be a good person because my son, like you said, only has one good parent teaching him those things. Happy Mother’s Day to you as well!
You are very brave. Thank you for sharing.
I can’t imagine a custody agreement where one parent gets all of the birthdays (or major holidays for that matter). It’s a bad idea. Your agreement should say alternating and if you guys can find a way, then share them, but at least you’ll have something to fall back on if you can’t agree or get along.
My ex and I are able to have the BD parties together (with Grandparents and cousins and such). I was difficult at first (she insisted on bringing the guy she had an affair with) and at high conflict times (I had just been awarded sole custody), but things are settling down and we both understand that we don’t want to miss half of those days.
That said, I don’t think that the kids actually care as much as we do. I took my son go karting “for his birthday”. He remembers that more than my presence at the family party.
Like I said, the stipulation was created by my ex. Who, if you have read any previous blog posts of mine, is a certified narcissist. There is no “getting along” or agreeing, unfortunately. I’m allowed (by state laws that govern my case) to see my son at certain times if I go out to visit him. I have that right, which I can use at any time. Which I probably will.
But I agree with what you said, that I don’t think that the kids care as much as we do. My son is two. I refuse to miss major life events for him, for my own sake, but unless he asks me to be with him for things, I don’t think he will care in the long run.
Like I said, the stipulation was created by my ex. Who, if you have read any previous blog posts of mine, is a certified narcissist. There is no “getting along” or agreeing, unfortunately. I’m allowed (by state laws that govern my case) to see my son at certain times if I go out to visit him. I have that right, which I can use at any time. Which I probably will.
But I agree with what you said, that I don’t think that the kids care as much as we do. My son is two. I refuse to miss major life events for him, for my own sake, but unless he asks me to be with him for things, I don’t think he will care in the long run.
I know that this is a hard situation for all of you, but I can certainly understand your ex’s frustration when you moved away with your son. My current husbands ex SIL moved and had heavy restrictions placed on her. In essence, the the judge said “You are claiming that the move wont’ impact the other parents time with the child. As long as that’s true, you may go. If not, you can’t”. She only heard the “you may go” part. It didn’t work out and she ended up moving back rather than lose custody to a very angry former spouse.
I know you post is more than moving, but it seems like you should be able to work out some distance friendly plan. Perhaps most of the summer and major school breaks. I know people who do that. Hopefully, your ex will feel more secure in his parenting position and be able to understand that kids really do need both parents.
On one of your other points, I think that his insistance on primary custody, even though you were alternating time equally was more about planning for the inevitable future than anything (Ex SIL tried this tactic). When you child is old enough to start school, the plan you had in place would not be workable and as the primary custodian, he would be positioned to have the child spend the bulk of the time with him.
My ex was an abusive tyrant. Living in the same state as him through the divorce was an endless cycle of stalking, disrupting my job, and harassment of friends and family. Distance was the only way to cut him off. If I had been dealing with an even remotely normal individual, I would have exhausted every option before taking his child out of state.
I am not working with a normal individual. It was the judges failure to realize this that was ridiculous. I had no family, no friends – no support system in that state. How can that be a good place for the child? Where the mother is essentially abandoned from her loved ones?
Unfortunately, there is no “working out” a distance friendly plan. From my previous blog posts you may have gathered that my ex husband is a narcissist and a master manipulator. Anything I would “work out” with him would only backfire in whatever way he could.
Even today, after getting everything (e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g) in the divorce that he wanted, he still harasses me EVERY day. It’s always something. Even years later.
Sigh.
With these kinds of people, YOU are their supply. I am his supply. He will never rest. Until (god willing) he finds another supply (heaven help her).
My mom was that guy. She’s an abusive tyrant who was bound and determined to eliminate my father from my life. It backfired on her. When I turned 13 and was old enough to be heard by the court, I went to live with my dad. His only condition was that I maintain a relationship with my mom. As I got older, I began to see just how awful she really was. As an adult and mom, I went through his divorce file and wow. I got to see how hard he had tried to protect me and how hard she worked to try to eliminate him. I’ve never really forgiven my mother for it.
Your ex also sounds like my husbands ex-wife. She’s impossible to deal with. Prefers conflict to peace. He was fortunate that he had the backing to be able to establish some reasonable minimums and can fight back legally if she goes far enough. He’s come to a place where he lives by the minimums and doesn’t push for anything else because of the backlash always wounds his son.
I guess I can count my blessings. My ex husband is a great dad and co-parent.
I hope you can find peace. Kids really do need both parents and eventually, your child will understand, no mater how hard he tries to justify or hide it.
My mom was that guy. She’s an abusive tyrant who was bound and determined to eliminate my father from my life. It backfired on her. When I turned 13 and was old enough to be heard by the court, I went to live with my dad. His only condition was that I maintain a relationship with my mom. As I got older, I began to see just how awful she really was. As an adult and mom, I went through his divorce file and wow. I got to see how hard he had tried to protect me and how hard she worked to try to eliminate him. I’ve never really forgiven my mother for it.
Your ex also sounds like my husbands ex-wife. She’s impossible to deal with. Prefers conflict to peace. He was fortunate that he had the backing to be able to establish some reasonable minimums and can fight back legally if she goes far enough. He’s come to a place where he lives by the minimums and doesn’t push for anything else because of the backlash always wounds his son.
I guess I can count my blessings. My ex husband is a great dad and co-parent.
I hope you can find peace. Kids really do need both parents and eventually, your child will understand, no mater how hard he tries to justify or hide it.
I am in that situation right now but i have 5 children . He wrote papers too. I have to pay for the flights too. But in Michigan to be able to move over 100 miles the other parent must agree. Little does he know the fight just started thanks for agreeing now i can petition the court and get thd kids out here full time with me. I just need a new lawyer because mine seems to stop working for me since i signed that agreement. If you have advicethat twould be awesome because it hurts being marriedto a narcissist for 18years having 5 kids afraid what he is saying to them
I needed this. Fighting a man after 10 years and putting three kids through this I finally decided not to put my son(the youngest) threw it anymore, by deciding to simply stop fighting, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
The court painted me to be the ugliest mother in the world because of his attorney and I just can’t put my son through it. At this point I just can’t do it anymorem, I put everyone before me and this is the first time I’m gonna be selfish and not do it anymore. My ex and his wife are spiteful, Even though 10 years has passed… I just wish for my son and my daughters this court crap will finally be over.
Thank you for this.
I feel this in my soul and it’s being going on with my ex for years. I have a 6 year old and I’m made out to be this terrible mother again and again. The stalking never stops, the slander the constant back and forth. I’m exhausted and I’m tired of my child being ripped from me for his benefit. I’m mentally exhausted and as well as financially exhausted, I love my child more than anything but I’m struggling with what to do next.