For years I preached forgiveness and compassion to my sons. Then one day I realized they had learned something I had never been taught…when someone does you harm, you are better off not giving them the opportunity to do more harm and, that is why I’ll never be friends with my ex.
I don’t have an issue with the way my ex has treated me since our divorce. I’m an adult, can brush it off and get on with my business. I have major issues with the way he has treated our sons since the divorce and in my mind, sharing any sort of friendship with him would be doing them a grave injustice.
We’ve not discussed this subject but I image my children would feel terribly betrayed if I chose to engage in a friendly relationship with their father at this point. I say, “at this point” because they are both adults. The time for civil co-parenting has come and gone. My ex, their father used those years to thwart every attempt I made at co-parenting and to also belittle, dismiss and emotionally abuse our children whenever possible.
Instead of giving to them what they deserved from a father he took from them what every child needs from a father. For me, that is the bottom line. There were things our sons needed that could only come from him. They needed a male role model, someone they could look up to and learn what it meant to be a man. They needed things that I alone could not give them. He made a conscious decision to deny them those things.
And by doing so he made me his life-long enemy.
I saw a video of Iyanla Vanzant, she was speaking to a single mom whose ex never communicates with or sees their son. This single mother had come to the conclusion that it was because the father “just didn’t care.” Iyanla asked her who had made her the decision maker, why this mother thought it was her place to assign reasons for the father’s actions.
Iyanla said, “what about shame or a fear of being vulnerable?” In other words, this father had abandoned his child and there was an excuse…an acceptable reason? I call bullshit!
I’ve felt vulnerable, extreme shame, anxiety, hell you name it I’ve felt it; especially after being left to raise two sons on my own. None of those emotions led to me abandoning my sons. We all have emotions that are uncomfortable and hard to deal with, at no time is that an excuse to turn our backs on your children.
As a society, we are quick to encourage forgiveness and compassion. Doesn’t that shut down valid criticism and leave victims feeling frustrated and unheard or, even worse not cared about? I dearly wish I could experience that Zen frame of mind, feeling nothing but love and compassion in my heart but I think it would be doing me and my children no favors. There are some actions that are unforgivable.
To be friends with my ex would mean sending my sons the message that it is OK to be treated badly. Their father’s actions toward them have been emotionally oppressive bullshit and I’ll never sign off on that by playing nice doggy with him. To do so would prioritize niceness over justice and since when is that a good thing?
I view forgiveness as an option, not a standard that I need to hold myself to. If my ex ever contacts our sons and asks them for forgiveness, I will then consider exercising that option. To do so before it is safe would be putting me and our children in danger of extensive emotional losses.
Some have said to me that I will be unable to “let go and move on” until I forgive my ex. They are wrong. Keeping him at arm’s length, having no relationship with him, is what gives me inner peace and freedom. It has freed me up to move on from the fear of him hurting our sons again.
My response to the hurt and harm he caused has been to not permit him the opportunity to do more hurt and harm. That is a lesson I learned from our sons and how they have chosen to deal with their relationship with their father.
It was a hard lesson to learn. For years I preached forgiveness and compassion. Then one day I realized they had learned something I had never been taught…when someone does you harm, you are better off not giving them the opportunity to do more.
Very powerful, Cathy! This is such an important message. We don’t all require forgiveness to move on as many would have us believe. Children and adults alike need to protect themselves from abuse, like you have done.
Thanks for reading Lisa. And yes, it is about self-protection isn’t it?
Thanks for this. Sometimes I feel the need to go against my inner voice which tells me to have no relationship with my ex. I feel guilty when I read about other divorced couples being “great friends” even after betrayal and abuse. Then my brain kicks in and I realize it is all a fabrication. Inauthentic. Carefully crafted, mumbo-jumbo, new-agey bullshit. I care about myself too much to play that game. My kids deserve a true picture of the family. Faking it for them would damage them more than knowing the truth does. Life isn’t all butterflies and rainbows. It can be dark and sad, and ugly. Moving through the darkness with our integrity and self-love is the best lesson I can give my kids.
Thanks ModernMatriarch, I appreciate your response. I’ve known divorced couples who had genuine friendships. The night I met my ex I was out with one such couple. We all went out to dinner together even though they had been divorced for a few years. The difference between their situation and mine is, their had been contrition, regret and an honest attempt at repentance on the husband’s part. It took a lot of work for them to get to a place where they could call each other friend. In that situation I get it. My ex will NEVER seek a relationship with his children, he will never apologize or put any effort into understanding their feelings. His fractured relationship with them is due to his actions not mine. He, not me, gave them a true picture of who he was not who our family was. I tried my best to give them a hopeful picture or what our family could be without him. Life should have been all butterflies and rainbows for my children and I did everything in my power to give them as much of that as I could. Children should deal with child sized issues, not adult sized issues. I’ve seen firsthand the damage that can be done when an adult dumps their hatred and anger on the shoulders of a child. All kids deserve a guiding light through any darkness they experience. That is what I tried to be for my children. Doing it that way helped me hold onto my integrity and self-respect.
I wrote a similar blog entitled: Why I’m jealous of my husband’s ex-wife (and it’s not the reason you think) http://bit.ly/MUtVr9
As much as I would love to have that type of relationship with my ex, that ship sailed a long, long time ago. Our parenting coordinator said we should be “friendly” with the kids, but we don’t have to be friends. I struggle to even be friendly. And his attempts come off as self serving and saccharine. Almost like he’s talking to a child. I just don’t bother most days to even talk to him.
All that to say, I completely understand where you’re coming from. And you’re right. To do any different now would send your children the wrong message.
~Liv
Great blog post Liv, I get it. My ex had been remarried for 9 months before he told his sons. He had no interest in anyone getting along or getting to know each other. And he was mystified about why it would upset them to be the last to know their father had gotten married. To him we are the unreasonable ones.
Some people are just stump dumb. I’m not one of them 🙂
my thoughts exactly. people ask, why can’t you just get along for the sake of the children. i do get along just fine, with minimal contact. interacting with a co-parent who does not treat me respectfully would cause stress and turmoil that is worse for the child than having two parents who don’t associate with each other. i am doing what is best for the child. teaching her the beauty of boundaries.
Setting boundaries is something my sons taught me Stephanie. Or, rather the foolishness in attempting to be civil with someone who couldn’t return that civility. I’ve learned a lot from watching them and how they have dealt with their father. Good for you for being able to set that example for your daughter.
This was exactly what I needed to hear. My kids are the victims. Every time someone says to forgive I cringe. I couldn’t explain why, but this is it. This is exactly the reason.
Great article. I think forgiveness is a great idea if possible, but you certainly make the case that it’s not for every situation.
This is one of the best articles I have read since my divorce a year and a half ago. My ex husband abandoned us when our son was 5 months old because he picked having an affair with his girlfriend over his family. He makes no effort to co parent and he expected that after the divorce was final that any resentment or hurt feelings after abandoning us and having affairs would simply go away. I made one request of him after the divorce was final and that was to tell our son together that we were no longer going to be together – our son was 5 at this time and my ex refused to have the conversation. It is tough to be decent nor there is no incentive to have any kind of relationship with an ex that can’t think past their own needs.
For once someone has the balls to tell it like it is. I’m so tried of reading articles after articles demonizing women whom are protecting their kids from emotionally abusive fathers. Not all divorces are the same and not all fathers (or mothers) are the same. Occasionally children do need protecting from their parent without being accused of alienating. I totally agree with you that you sell your kids down the road by trying to be friends with an abuser. I’ve often asked my daughter would she have preferred had I constantly tried to cover her father’s antics or have been hush hush behind closed doors about things. She said she preferred the truth though she already knew and experienced so much of the situation anyways, for voids of truth just leap gaping holes to be filled by imagination.
so much of what’s written out there offers a cookie cutter recipe for custody despite the situation. This is not at all realistic or a solution to many situations.
Kerry, I need to make something clear. I never talked to my sons about their father. I never had to talk to my sons about their father. His behavior and abandonment of them did the talking for me. He used to accuse me of saying negative things about him and trying to alienate them BUT the fact that he would go 6 years at a time with no communication with them kind of killed that argument on his behalf. I would have NEVER said a negative thing about my ex to them regardless of what he did. It’s always been my opinion that children have to come to their on conclusion about a parent’s behavior. My ex made it easy for my sons to come to their own conclusion on their own.
Sometimes making “it” work is a way to stay present in order to guide the ex as you are able and insure that they give emotionally and otherwise as much as they can give – sometimes they learn and it becomes habit. That’s a good thing.
Kay, are you saying that the onus is on the woman to make it right? To stay friends with her ex in order to “guide” him? These men aren’t our children. They are grown men who are going to do what they want regardless of how much we roll over and play nice doggy. When a man does things that emotionally harm his children, causing grave damage, the last think I’m interested in is putting my energy into trying to “guide” him. My energy is going toward my child and trying to undo the damage that has been do. No thank you, I won’t “make it work” by being friends with someone who has no regard for his own children.