Nothing prepared me for how to deal with the pain I experienced when I realized my marriage and friendship with another person would never again be the same.
“You are broken inside.” Sitting in front of a psychic in her apartment with my close friends a few years ago, on a hot and humid July day, this woman, who didn’t know me and whom I had just met, said I was broken inside. I was broken; she was right. He had left for another woman.
As she was making note of the lines on my forehead to indicate the hardship I had recently been faced with, my thoughts immediately started to race back to when my ex walked out of our marriage and of our home while I was holding our daughter tightly in my arms, crying inconsolably, scared and in shock, not knowing how to handle the situation of grieving a lost husband, caring for my 3 children who were so young and getting myself through this unbelievably challenging time
The sun had set, the next door neighbor was pulling into her driveway, coming home to find me outside standing on the front lawn, looking at my husband get into his car and drive away with a defeated and scared look on my face. She knew what had just happened and like me, she was at a loss for words. Tears coming down our cheeks, she held me and my daughter. Her hug meant the world to me at that moment and I didn’t want to let go of her embrace.
Getting to know me throughout the process of being cheated on and ultimately left for another woman, was so frightening. Nothing prepared me for how to deal with the pain I experienced when I realized my marriage and friendship with another person would never again be the same. For almost 20 years, I had been someone’s partner and as such, many of the things I did and the way I thought about my future was very much centered around another person.
After spending months crying over a failed marriage, mourning the loss of a future I had imagined for our family, I came to realize that I had defined much of who I was based on this partnership and I felt lost. “What now?” “How do I move forward?” “Who am I?”
For months, after I found out about the affair, I hated that my mind arbitrarily drifted to thoughts of the affair and that it made me feel like these thoughts had taken over my emotional and mental sanity. I couldn’t make sense of what was going on, with him and with myself. He was a completely different person than the person I had known and loved for all of these years.
What had happened to him, to us? I also, rather quickly, felt like I was becoming a crazy person … I couldn’t recognize myself and the things I was doing. For some reason, I was convinced that I could somehow make sense of it all by rummaging through his cell phone and computer. That I could uncover evidence that he did still love me and would not leave me for another woman. Convincing myself time and time again that we would be okay and that all we had to do was to figure out how to get through this bump in the road.
All I ended up finding was more evidence of his love and affection for another woman and the growing distance he was creating from me and our life together. I felt unsettled and frustrated a lot of the time. I was constantly replaying events in my head, pictures, email and text exchanges between them that I had found on his phone. None of it was helpful but I didn’t know how to stop myself from these thoughts, from trying to uncover evidence of his love for me and that he would leave her and realize that he and I could have a happy life together.
I felt like I was spinning out of control and I couldn’t stop the madness that had settled within me.
One of the most difficult things for me to wrap my head around was the betrayal of trust that had attacked my inner peace to its core. I struggled with the emotional trauma or reconstructing what happened between them while he and I were together before I found out about the affair. Painfully putting pieces of the puzzle together with the things he told me he did and said to her while he was with me; this haunted me day and night for such a long time.
Not only was my mental and emotional state declining, so was my physical health. Struggling to eat and take care of my body, I quickly lost 35 pounds over the period of only a few months. I’ve always wanted to lose weight but this was not how I wanted to go about it. The worst part of it all was his comments to me of how “hot” I now looked after having lost so much weight. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Who was this person and why was he talking to me in such a crass way?
I also had some fainting spells during the first few weeks after I had found out about the affair and was dumbfounded at how annoyed and unsympathetic he was when I would faint. He saw my pain but for some reason, he was unable to help me or pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
Despite the small steps to finding my way again, there was still the daily struggle of caring for the kids on my own and dealing with the separation. On most days, I felt like I was in survival mode. I would often come home after dropping off the kids at school and go back to bed and hide under the covers and cry. It was terrible. I felt extremely guilty that I was hiding in my bedroom and not being fully present with the children. The lack of energy made it difficult to keep up with the kids on the weekends but I managed it as best as I could and by the time Monday morning rolled around, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was physically and mentally exhausted.
I knew I had to get out of the cycle I had created for myself, one that was spiraling out of control. I had to do it for myself and more importantly, for the children.
First thing I did: I asked for help. Many (well-meaning) people had advice for me and encouraged me to meet new people, and get out of the house and find a new hobby. Easier said than done … Imagine you’ve just jumped out of a plane, you’ve landed in the middle of nowhere and you’re afraid and panic-stricken. You have to get yourself up and figure out how you’re going to find a way that will lead you to where you want to be. This was me, I was lost, frightened and didn’t know how to find my way. I needed a plan.
I knew that before I could make new friends or do all of the things I was encouraged to do, I had to get to know myself. Not myself as a wife, long-term companion to someone or a mother. I needed to date myself, push myself out of my comfort zone and try new things. I took myself out to dinner, the movies, walks on the beach, tried new restaurants, joined online women’s groups and went to therapy–a lot of therapy.
Through all of these experiences, I began to have a voice that was my own–I literally had not heard myself speak so much in my life as I had in only a few months. The sound of my voice was actually a little foreign to me. I began to gain confidence and to think about what kind of future *I* wanted to have. I could see myself coming out of my shell.
This is also when I started to realize how confined I had been in my marriage, how much I had given of myself to another person and how much I had allowed myself to stand aside to allow someone else to move forward on their path and because of this I had lost myself along the way.
Although a great deal has happened to me, I can see how much I have learned about myself and the world around me in only a few years. I now know that the events that once broke me no longer define me and who I am. They have led me to where I am now; standing strong and feeling whole.
Thank you for this article. I like your analogy about jumping out of a plane and landing in the middle of nowhere. That is exactly how I felt! I was left for another woman after 23yrs of marriage. 10 of those years I was a stay at home mom and the other 10 I worked part time. I only have a high school diploma and the part time job has no full time potential. I was left with no benefits, no increased earning potential, no marketable skills and I felt terrified. I had no idea how or what to do. I never paid the bills, never made one decision on my own. My children are thankfully older so I didn’t have to worry about child care. Added to all that was the fact that the woman he left me for was my closest friend. Someone we both knew and had been a part of our family for over 20yrs. She had recently gone through a divorce and I was helping her through it. Even asking my husband to help her with some household stuff. Talk about feeling betrayed!
I am proud of myself for stepping up where I’ve needed to. It’s slow going and not everything has been worked thorough yet but I’m still going. I’ll have been divorced for a year in May 2018. He’s remarried to the woman he left me for. They deserve each other.
I Stef–I’m sorry you went through a similar ordeal, especially with someone you knew. I’m happy to see you’re in a better place. I know how difficult it can be to get there.
Hi all,
Though i am not a women, I went through the same ordeal with my ex wife cheating on me. It is remarkable how I felt the exact same way. Pain is pain now matter of you are a man or women.
Stay strong Stef…I completely relate to being frozen with fear. I admire how all of the women including Debbie moved thru the pain and are slowly finding themselves. I have no one that I can turn to..lost both my mom and sister tragically and like you Stef petrified of goung from a stay at home mom for 26 years with now no skills to having to figure out how to survive with yet a young daughter and no help. What I find most amazing is how all the years we were with these men, took care of them and yet they claim they weren’t capable of being with us the way tbey are with these women. My ex is no longer a couch potato but runs and works out everyday. Gets up early for bike rides, puts up fans, cleans her pool, babies her for everything, plans trips, bdays mothers day way in advance and I couldn’t get him to go to dinner and have just a conversation. My mother use to tell me” to good, no good”. I did everything for him and expected nothing in return which is what I got. Now I sit, crying over what I see him do for her and tell him, had you treated me a quarter of how you treat her we would have had an awesome marriage. In addition, he choses her over my daughtet. Now what…where do I begin to heal? You are an inspiration, you are strong and you will make it. Prayers for you.
I am also going through a divorce after being married for almost 28 years and together for 30. Today I found out him and his girlfriend and him left for vegas. Makes me sad and sick at the same time.
Hi Kim, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, especially after being married for such a long time. I know how you’re feeling–I also felt sick to my stomach from the time I found out about the affair and for a year after that as we separated and then moved through the divorce. The one thing I can tell you is that you’re going to be ok. So much support is out there and you’re not alone.
That’s exactly how I feel right now. My husband, the love of my life, wants to separate. It’s like the rug has been pulled out underneath of me. I don’t know how to get through this.
Hi Anita, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I also felt blind-sided when my ex told me he had an affair and wanted to separate. I didn’t see it coming so I know how you fell. As I mentioned to Kim (who left a comment above), you’re going to be ok. So much support is out there and you’re not alone. This is the time for you to reach out to your friends and family, online support groups and do what you can to maintain your sanity.
Me either but I think one step in front of another maybe it will all be ok not sure
Yes, one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you’re experiencing but know this does not define you or who you will be in the future. It will be ok and you will be in a better place. Surround yourself with people who will help you grow and lift your spirits. This is the time for self-exploration and figuring out what you want in life. Set boundaries and your terms for what will make you happy and feel stronger.
Anita if u want to call me feel free 716/209-2603 I’m here just let me know when u are calling
I can totally relate. My husband had an affair with his ex girlfriend and we’ve been married 21 years. He moved out last August. Our divorce is final in July. I feel like I’m in the middle yet for myself. Just trying to get stronger.
Hi Lisa–I’m sorry you’re doing through this. Getting stronger is quite the process but you’ll get there. One day at a time. Take care of yourself.
Wow. I feel like you just wrote about me. I went through the exact and had the same struggles. But I have become my own pillar now and never will let him bring me to ruins. Just sad to see how many wonderful women and children go through the same thing because of a home wrecker and selfish men. But trust me KARMA is there. She left him and marrying someone else. And he thought he could make his way back to me after 5 years. Hell NO! The boat has sailed. I rather be alone then be with a cheater and heartless man. Keep going ladies, God will always help those who are faithful and loyal. Much love!
Hi Sonia–I agree with you, it’s sad to see so many women and children go through this experience. I’m happy to hear you’re in a good place and won’t let anyone bring you down again.
Its all just so sad – my daughter is getting married in a couple of months and I’m trying to be strong but it is so hard. Just cry most days!!
I’ve been divorced for a year now and he had already proposed to another woman and they are now married. I haven’t had time to find who I am after 16 years of marriage (which began when I was 19). How on earth do you do it when you’ve got three kids/teens to take care of and walk through their struggles at the same time? I’d love to go on a walk or find a hobby, but have no way of doing so…..suggestions? Thx
Hi Heather, I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time. I just wrote a post on this site and perhaps this will help you: https://divorcedmoms.com/being-the-victim-in-your-story-promotes-stagnation-not-growth/
Thanks for sharing your story, mine rings so similar.I am saddened so many of us have experienced this pain and heartbreak. I am almost 2 years post divorce. I have been focusing on finding me and enjoying so much time with my beautiful kids. Please know to those suffering through this experience, IT GETS BETTER! I never thought I would see the day but you will get there! Stay strong, go to therapy and stay in contact with your support networks!
It’s happened again. This time I won’t take him back. I stood by his side when he had a mental break down only one month after we married, he filed for Bankruptcy, 3 months later, we lost everything. Months of helping him with a court access to his kids agreement, then , he had his affair, then came back, left me again, then I found them in my bed, I pulled her off of my side of the bed, he pinned me down and repeatedly called out for his marrried woman girlfriend to call the police ,,,, she couldn’t , her husband would find out!
I got out n away from my husband’s weight over my body. After a few days ,, I ended up in hospital from complete mental chaos. He left on our 1st anniversary!!!
I forgave him and took him back 3 months later, I have cancer. He stayed with me, still unemployed we sold everything off and moved into our RV & travelled across Canada from the maritimes. Lived on campground till Oct, house sat for 3 months and a new friend offered for us to board with them until their renovations were completed for us to rent. My husband’s alcohol usage and marijuana habits became more regular, several times throughout the day even, and from Jan to April he attempted to discard me as his wife but always came back. Until this past week, he has confirmed my deepest suspicions,,,, he’s been after another woman.
He’s back living in camper as I remain devastated, living under the roof of those who opened up their home for us to stay. The emotional rollercoaster ride has been increasingly difficult this week- he has PTSD, and given the hoops I’ve jumped through after taking him back – it’s clear to me during these raw moments of reality, I was used and abused all for the sake of love. My love for him his love for himself.
Narcissistic in a passive aggressive way.
Do this or I’m leaving you. Ultimatums… and telling me I needed to lose weight and wear more makeup, exercise more the lust goes on. I’m so disappointed in myself given the false perceptions of him & my persistent willingness to do as asked. My wounds are gaping open and I am not laying down during this. I’m relying on legal counsel means given this abandonment. Every word he’s ever shared with me about his Ex, his life, they have all turned into lies and deceitful manipulations, I fell for it, alllll of it
P.S This was both of our 2 Nd marriages
July 11 will be our 3 rd year …. I’m in a new province with no family, no home, no employment, my little amount of money paid his financial arrears and now it’s just me and my dog.
God Help Me
After reading all the comments, first let me recommend “Runaway Husbands” by Vicki Stark. You will find that cheating men never leave for better, prettier, smarter women, only women who make them feel superior, younger, stronger, sexier, whatever. When they leave they take themselves who is the problem to begin with. You have no control over other people’s bad judgment, decisions, actions. You will grieve, be angry, lose weight, gain weight, be a little crazy but as long as you conduct yourself in a way that maintains your children’s respect, you will be okay. Don’t cause more damage than what the asshole and his skank have caused. Karma is only a bitch if the person is, and they are and once a cheater, always a cheater. Meanwhile, get a therapist, a good lawyer, take everything you can to protect your children and yourself financially. Get a new hairstyle, new clothes, bone up the resume and get a job. I hadn’t worked in 10 years and was almost 60. I improved myself, faked it till I made it, got a job, then another, and then another until I finally got a career. My oldest recently got married and he wasn’t there because she wasn’t invited. I honestly didn’t care if she did come, but our son said that all the people he loved, respected, and who had supported him, guided him were there. What many will realize is that the exhole didn’t turn into a creep overnight, he always was. The red flags were always there and he was an emotional manipulator and you probably enabled him. Don’t do it again.
I love your reply/comment. Thank you! It helps see others who went through similar circumstances and that you feel the same or see the same things. I agree now that the red flags were always there but didn’t see that right away and it was people pointing it out at first but now I see it. I did get a new hairstyle, clothes, and am going to look soon for a job but I’m caring for my son who is depressed with all this. It’s so sad as he was so happy before. My other son is in college and doesn’t want to talk about it with anyone. We aren’t divorced yet, the final date is in July, but my husband asked my older son to meet his mistress next weekend and my son told me so since he’s 19 I said it’s your choice, but I feel it’s too soon and he said Mom I do, too, but dad doesn’t see it that way. Of course he doesn’t. So we’ll see what happens.
Wish I had both of your courage and what a scum bag your soon to be ex is by asking your son to meet his mistress. They make me sick and kudos to your son Janiece for not inviting the piece of garbage to his wedding which signifies everything your ex and his trash isnt!
wow sad to see, but happy to see all these women – I am no alone. Everything about my story is identical and finding myself after a 26yr marriage was fun. All the things I put off doing or he told me NO – well I suddenly realized I had my own money, car etc so what’s stopping me ? Well I put one foot forward and kept moving – this has been the best 10 years of my life. My kids are grown so they made up their own minds about him. They had been waiting on me to put him out and stop tolerating all his BS. But he left and they were happy, I know for a fact the relationship I have with them now, there was no way we have it if I was still married. Yes he is their father. You don’t realize how much of your wants and dreams get pushed out of your head, while you are trying to become a twin to your husband. And just like your story she was a friend on mine. Bottom line all ties have been severed, and I am enjoying life with my 2 sons and 4 grandchildren (grandchildren he doesn’t even know – let alone 3 he’s never seen) HIs lost, so was the affair worth losing your family or at least I thought it was a family. We are all glad he has no more control over us. i am in a relationship but it’s on mutual terms, we each had lives before and I see no need to stop doing what I’m doing. He join me or I’ll see him when i get back. For those of you still getting through the divorce, read all these comments – YOU TOO WILL BE OK
33 years together, 27 of them married and he leaves me for the ho (his paralegal) he was shagging for the better part of a year. It’s been 2.5 years since D-day and just a little over a year since my divorce was final and I am still having a hard time. For 33 years I walked on eggshells in an abusive relationship. Decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t let anyone find out I wasn’t living the perfect life everyone thought I was. “Shocked” doesn’t come close to what everyone felt once they found out. And oh, the irony! After all that I had dealt with, HE left ME. Am I happier without “Asswipe”? Yes. But the issues I am having the hardest time dealing with are knowing my young adult sons are making secret family memories without me…not only without me, but with the ho he left me for. Neither Asswipe nor “Bambi” thinks she did anything wrong. Like it’s ok to screw married men who is also your BOSS! I need to stop feeling betrayed by my sons who have spent a lot of time with her (them). If my dad had done to my mom what Asswipe did to me, no way would I have much of a relationship with him (it would’ve taken a long time for me to forgive him). And I especially wouldn’t have had anything to do with his ho. So why don’t my kids feel that way? I realize they have no choice in the matter if they want a relationship with their father (and they do). But it still hurts. Is wanting them to fight for me normal? I don’t begrudge them time with their dad, I just hate them spending time with that C U Next Tuesday. Apparently they’re going to get married – oh yay – good for her, she deserves him and they both deserve each other. However, going forward, every monumental occasion for my sons will be extremely difficult for me. I told AW that I now have to bear the burden of his betrayal…and unfortunately everything revolves around me and how I feel about it because he doesn’t care, he’s super happy with the young go-getter with big boobs. I wish I could stop with the hate and the anger (it’s giving him too much control over me). Please tell me it will go away eventually and get better with time!
Thank you. I really thought I might be the only
one to feel like that. I say it in past tense since it’s been 3 years since we decided on divorce. It only took him 6 months after our divorce to marry the woman he left me for- if you want to call it that. He wasn’t prepared to leave me,- as high school sweethearts, 18 years of marriage- I honestly think he thought he could have us both. Uh, no. I don’t share well. It took him awhile to realize I didn’t want a cheater. I stuck to my guns, lost weight, found out who I am, did fun stuff, dated, felt beautiful again, and yes, met the man of my dreams. I don’t regret our divorce- I regret how it unfolded. I regret not being prepared and I certainly regret not saving money. But him? No. I have 2 absolutely beautiful children I gave birth to, and a stepdaughter I am learning about every day since she just moved in with us.
I have my days, my moments, but I never have thoughts of love or affection for my ex. I see & talk to him all the time now that we can be civil, but when I look at him, I’m not REALLY looking at him. He’s a different person, as am I. I feel… nothing. No reminiscing, no flashbacks of our lives together, no emotions. If anything, I think about our kids, & I find myself thinking of my love now, and how loyal and honest it is. It’s so freeing to finally feel trust again with another person. I’m so connected in a way that is hard to explain but to say it’s like fireworks!
Going thru my ex’s phone is how I finally learned the truth, as I expected for a long time. It did nothing but create more anxiety and anger that someone could do that & then come home to me & our kids like “normal”. WTF?!?!
The cool part (if you see it that way) is, I honestly feel they are perfect for one another. I mean, if they are cool cheating on their long time spouses, they gotta know there’s no trust in their marriage at all. Hope she’s cool with sharing, but I always knew I wasn’t. I was meant to be someone’s Princess, not the peasant pleased with the leftovers.
Thank you so much for sharing. I feel like you wrote my story with minor detail differences. This is encouraging. I wish I was a great writer. I often want to share my story and encourage others. You’re amazing!
Hi
Thank you for sharing your story . I thought I am alone . I being married for 21 years my husband did not move out he sleep at our home and sleeps at that woman house. He refuses to leave. he is not working. I have 3 kids 1 grant daughter. I tried to commit suicide the way its so had to leave without him. I don’t know to leave the life of being sign parent . I cries to God for months but the paid is still there. how do I go on without him. its so hard
It’s been a year since I commented above. I’m in a much better place now. God is so good. I know he will be with you if you ask Him to. Please reach out to God and others for help.
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