Finding out your ex has a girlfriend is never easy, especially after a divorce. Being divorced for one year (separated for two), you would think that learning that my ex-husband has a girlfriend wouldn’t phase me at all. WRONG. But was it jealousy that was controlling my emotions or something else?
After my divorce was final, my ex and I were trying to learn how to be friends for our daughters’ sake. It started off with just small talk via texting. He would send me a “good morning” text every, single morning. He would tell me about his day, every day. The texts got more and more personal.
He spent Thanksgiving Day at my house and I cooked the whole meal. He came over on Christmas Day and we shared the holiday together as a family. He came over in February and built my fence for my backyard and then mowed my yard. Hell, we even went on a week-long spring break skiing vacation together!
About a week after the vacation trip, things heated up and we started sexting. Then had phone sex. It was awkward, but it happened. I finally got up the courage to ask him if he wanted to try again. If he wanted to, slowly, get to know each other again and see if there was a possibility that we could actually be together. His response was “I don’t know what I want right now.” But he knew.
We did all of these things as a “family”, add in the awkward sexual stuff, and I started getting the wrong idea. I wonder why? I started wanting him back. I missed having him around to do all of these things for us and I missed having him to talk to. Then I found out about the neighbor that he was screwing. Ouch. So I asked him about it. I asked him if he had feelings for her and his response was “we’re just friends right now.” Um…ok. I had gone from wife, to ex-wife, to friend/slut the on phone, to the back-up option. Fuck that.
I’ve always been a jealous person, I admit it. But learning about his new “friend” hurt. And it hurt a lot. Why was I feeling this way? I’m the one that divorced HIM! I didn’t want to be married to him anymore because he had been a narcissistic, controlling bully throughout our whole marriage! He was a genuine jerk and had placed all of the blame on me for the demise of our 12 year marriage. So why on earth would I want him back or think that I had feelings for him again? Where were all of these feelings coming from?
These feelings were coming from the overpowering mother instinct that I had toward my girls. I was their mom and some-ho-next door was going to try to swoop in and take my place! She was going to play house with my kids! She was going to marry my ex-husband and they were going to be the perfect little family and live happily ever after.
And I was scared to death of my girls liking her. Ok, I was scared to death that they would love her, want her to be their mom, and forget all about their real mom. Me. I wasn’t jealous of the new girl, I was scared of being replaced in my daughters’ lives. They were my world and it was terrifying thinking that they might like someone more than me.
Enter my best friend. She told me that I had to stop all communication with my ex unless it was about the girls because he was just using me to pump up his ego. ALL communication. She told me that he was only texting me out of boredom or when the other girl was too busy to text him. So no more texting him OR responding.
No more having him over for a holiday meal. No more having him over to my house. Period. We would have to start meeting at a public place for the girls’ pick-ups and drop-offs. He didn’t need to see inside my home or be involved in MY life at all. She also told me to be thankful that the girls liked the ho-next-door. Her exact words were “it could be worse. He could be living with some skank whore who didn’t give a crap about your kids.” This was true. But how could I be accepting of this ‘person’ when it seriously hurt?
It finally dawned on me that I hadn’t had closure and he had closed the book a long time ago. So, I did what any sane, non-jealous ex-wife would do… I wrote him a letter. I told him all of the feelings that I had and that I was sorry he couldn’t try again. I told him I was sorry that we couldn’t do things as a family anymore, but not for him, for the girls. And then, after I got all of the gushy feelings out of the way, I told him that we could no longer be friends. At all. And I told him that I was going to miss him.
I sent the letter and then I grieved. I finally went through the grieving process for the loss of my marriage. It hurt, but it’s much better on the other side of grieving.
So when my girls go to his house every other weekend and spend time with my ex and her, I’m thankful that she’s nice to them. I’m thankful that I have the best friend in the world who can knock some sense into me when I need it…which happens to be quite often. I’m thankful that I finally had closure. And I’m also thankful for my divorce. Without it, I would still be in a miserable, loveless marriage with an incredibly selfish man. And no one can replace me in the lives of my girls. Time to watch some else’s reruns!
Nobody can replace you! Let him move on and out. You’re better off. Focus on your girls and don’t worry about the rest. And take that friend of yours out for martins and steak. She deserves it!
I definitely need to take her out! Everyone going through a divorce, and after a divorce, needs that one friend that they can rely on. Don’t know what I would do without her!
Thanks for posting this. I went through the same mistake. He used me for sex and let me believe we might try again then really, crushingly dismissed me. I’m going through the girlfriend thing now and it completely sucks, even though I’m happily remarried! My ex kept our home of 12 years and his girlfriend is always there. My older son hates it because she essentially came in and started acted like ‘mom’, and using ‘all of my stuff’. I have to admit, the thought of her being in the house I raised my babies in, sleeping in my old bed and being in the mom role (really only to my younger son…my older one leaves every time she comes over), makes me feel sick. I know it’s just a house. I keep asking myself why it matters so much and thinking I’m this jealous crazy person. It’s nice to see someone else has those feelings!
I really do believe that it’s the feeling of someone trying to take our place as mom. I carried them for 9 months. I took care of them and loved them. I did those things. Not this new girl! What helps me is knowing that my kids only have to see her 4 days a month. That’s it. And they are always happy to come home, no matter how much fun they had at their dad’s house. Because I’M their mom and wherever I am, is where their home is. In our little world, basically MOM=HOME.
Keep your chin up! And remember, all that stuff she is using is USED!! She’s getting YOUR leftovers! There’s a reason you’re not in that house anymore…never lose sight of those reasons again…I’m not going to. 🙂
I loved reading this very honest, raw and real post! Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and life with us all on here.
Thank you for that sweet comment!!
Thanks for that reply. Good timing, as my ex, who chooses to coach our older (super jock) son’s every sport announced his girlfriend would be watching our younger son tonight (in my old house), instead of letting me take him. I wanted to throw up. I don’t even know her and yet she’ll be helping my son bathe and get ready for bed, give him his medications and tuck him in? I wish I could let this go! I think it’s the pain of not making this choice but having me thrust upon me and now sharing my children with another woman that feels so damn unfair, plus the fact that she and he have done nothing to make me feel good about it. There’s an article: How to be a decent “new girlfriend”!
Thanks for that reply. Good timing, as my ex, who chooses to coach our older (super jock) son’s every sport announced his girlfriend would be watching our younger son tonight (in my old house), instead of letting me take him. I wanted to throw up. I don’t even know her and yet she’ll be helping my son bathe and get ready for bed, give him his medications and tuck him in? I wish I could let this go! I think it’s the pain of not making this choice but having me thrust upon me and now sharing my children with another woman that feels so damn unfair, plus the fact that she and he have done nothing to make me feel good about it. There’s an article: How to be a decent “new girlfriend”!
It’s perfectly natural to feel the way you are feeling, and don’t feel bad about it. You are the MOM and you are feeling just like I did. Out of control and helpless. So when someone (our stupid exes) do something that we don’t agree with, it feels terrible! As much as you may hate the new girlfriend, do your kids like her? Kids are a pretty good judge of character. My kids like the new girlfriend and for that reason alone, I have to like her (or at least act like I do around my kids). It is the best thing for my kids, and after a divorce, that is the only thing for my ex and I to focus on…them. It’s extremely hard, trust me…been there and I bought the t-shirt, but it will be ok.
Ask yourself “what am I really mad about?” And remember that NO ONE can or will ever replace you!
Um excuse me. But you divorced him and yet have the nerve to feel uneasy or jealous? You should have had the wherewithal to know how you would feel when you chose to divorce the man. Society may fool you into thinking that it is all about you but there are consequences to your actions. Perhaps you should find a better way of dealing with your choices.
I agree with your comment. The society in which we live has developed a concept to support divorce as a right that we have and when we got tired of the other person we put labels (narcissistic, selfish, bi-polar…) to justify that we are right… and then we get divorce and want the other person to suffer and we be happy now that we got rid of a “tyrant”… If this lady thinks her problems are over… she is up for a wake up call. The problem is inside of you not outside.
I agree, we should have. But what do you do when you didn’t have the foresight? You mentioned she should find another means of dealing, I dont disagree, it what is that? Whether it’s society or just flat out knowing the relationship is doomed, we, (or I at least), made the Choice that I thought I had to, and was ill prepared for the emotions that followed. I did give up, but not until after years and years of trying. I remember texting my friend, hiding in my closet, telling her I thought he was going to kill me. He had mentally snapped and wasnt making any sense- he had never been physical before and the person in front t of me was not someone I wanted to work anything out with. So I abandoned 13 yrs of marriage, a large beautiful home, 2 successful adders, loving children, all for my assessment of a horrible year. What is one supposed to do when they never expected to not find love again more than 3 yrs later, never expected to feel so much hatred, never expected to feel so lonely and isolated. Suck it up isn’t an option, so what are the choices? I know each person is different and so is each circumstance- but I know I’m not the only one who has to live with choices they regret and challenges of finding ways to cope and just be a caring person, a loving mother and put more good in the world to try to balance the hurt.
I found this blog while looking for others who struggle with their new lives. I see some harsh comments but no alternatives provided. I know it’s not anyone’s job to find solutions for others, but I hope ppl that pass judgment, know that most of us are trying.
My husband and I have been separated for seven years. We were only married a short time when problems arose. We would fight and disagree a lot in our first year of marriage. There were mother in law issues, my health deteriorated under the stress, and finally our son had behavior problems due to his autism. We were married for five years before we separated. Through the separation…we managed to keep a civil attitude for the sake of our son’s well being. There was no infidelity in our marriage and no biblical grounds for divorce.
I’ve asked him back many times for our child’s sake, out of shear loneliness, and to honor our commitment before God, but he refuses to reconcile. Last year I gave him forms to fill out so we can file for a divorce. I’ve prayed and hoped for a reconciliation, but this year is the end for me… as I would like to share my life with someone and i was tired of being alone and in waiting. I loved him, and he states he doesn’t love me, so why won’t he sign the forms? He said he just hasn’t had time and will do them when he gets time. He has had seven years of time. I’ve searched the world and could not find any mention of what was called a solution to this problem. until i got the contact of prophet akin who has helped my friend with prayers to save their marriage and i contacted him and he prayed for my marriage and my marriage was restored and my husband came back begging for forgiveness. i can not say much because i am over excited.here is the email address of prophet akin {[email protected]} thank you for reading this.
Yeah, another sob story about someone who left their marriage and put themselves above their kids. True America. Yeah, go find a retread guy, that will be best for your kid. Such a joke with people today.
Oh this is happening to me but I can’t get over the hurt and pain I left him and moved on to someone else. My ex didn’t work in our 25 years of marriage. He was not always kind to me with his choice of words. Why do I feel this pain? Now he has a girlfriend and I’m heartbroken over that. How could he care for someone else when I tried so very hard to make him happy through the years. I just want to be happy!
You moved on to someone else? No, you didn’t, if you had, you wouldn’t care what your ex was doing. And, just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t mean he is treating her any better than he treated you.
I gave my husband all my love, my heart, my body and soul but what did i get in return heart break over and over again till i finally find out he was with someone else and it was tearing me apart that i could not endure it but to find a solution which i did by contacting a man called high priest tokubo by his email address Highpriesttokubo@gmailcom, After 24 hours my husband came back to me and he is now fully mine again. If you really want your lover back reach him today. I am so excited Lacy.Bern
I read this as a married man of 30 years. The woman became dissatisfied with her husband, then SHE divorced HIM. Men are very very different than woman. They Like sex, and when they dont get it from their wife, the WILL go elsewhere. No man marries to live the life of a Monk. I have seen several times in my life time, where a man loses his job, gets laid off, becomes depressed, and eventually she ends up divorcing him because he can’t provide, then several years later he finds a great job, makes a huge come back, becomes financially well off, and the ex deeply regrets her actions. Marriage is for better or for worse. And I have seen it time after time where the wife bails, when its bad, and is sorry later. He DESERVES a woman who will stay with him through the good and bad times. I agree with the area where she needs to dis-connect from him in the article above. She CHOSE to disconnect in the first place. Her hurt, is HER fault. He’s not enjoying that his ex is boosting his ego. I dont see it that way. The ex-wife is sending mixed signals. I guess what I am saying to her is to crap, or get off the pot. He deserves love and happiness just as much as her. I feel sorry for the children, always caught in the middle of these arrangements. Maybe she should get a boyfriend……
Ok Mom’s out there I hear your words and I am listing. I am hearing a whole lot of hate to the other women one of who is me. Just a women One who is trying to fit in and find a place to belong. Yes in your kids life’s but in a good way. Not to take your place but to find a place. Please tell me how is the best way to go about this when my intention are to create a life as a positive figure in these kids life’s. I’ve been around over a year already but to her that’s nothing. I’m not rude or mean. I ask before I do thing. I try my best to get on the same page but at the end of the day Im still not wanted or welcomed just sometimes tolerated. There are two sides lady’s. It’s hard on us to. I don’t know if every girlfriend out there does their best to see both sides but I sure am trying and it’s super hard and frustrating. There is no rule book for us to follow either. Just a girlfriend looking for help from the Mom’s out there.
I just Divorced my husband two months ago. He wanted it and even though we were separated for a year I still saw him and had sex with him and helped him when he got into criminal trouble and lost everything. Time he was back on his feet he ditched me, told me to move on and be happy and then he got a girlfriend. I have spent the past two days drowning in my grief until I came across this article . I too have two girls and I worried about someone else trying to replace me and being a family with my kids. Your story helped me and I know that in the end I will be ok. Thank you
Thank you for posting this. My husband and I split about 4 months ago and not a day went by that he didn’t beg me to take him back. He told me he changed and he would prove that to me. In fact, just three days ago told me he would leave his new girlfriend for me if I wanted him to. But I don’t want him back. Hell, I haven’t wanted him the last 4 years of our marriage. But knowing that my children like her, that my youngest is excited to see her, that SUCKS. But is that the only reason I am jealous?? I have no idea. The thought of them together haunts me. The thought of them going on vacation makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what to do or how to feel differently but I truly need to do something. Thanks again for your post.
I am so glad I cam across this post! I was with my ex-husband for 18 years, 5 years married and we have three kids. He left me, told me he “fell out of love” and wasn’t feeling the connection anymore the last year of our marriage. Of course, I was devastated because I was blind sighted and just had given birth to our twins the year prior. He went through a lot of pain from a a sudden death in his family and other things in his life. I was always supportive, I was always his rock but he LEFT ME. Come to find out, he was making an emotional connection with a family friend for that past year – go figure, that’s why he said he didn’t feel the connection between us anymore! of course, i was heartbroken and outraged. and the biggest feeling of Betrayal from both of them was almost unbearable. However, as much as it hurt, I felt sorry for him because he is a broken soul. I told him if she makes him happy, then I am happy for him and that I will be ok, and that I will move on. I didn’t talk to him for about 4 months, only when it came to the kids – I was HAPPY and on my path to finding myself – it showed and he saw it and heard from friends. He decided to contact me and ask me how I was doing? From there, we started talking again (he’s in a relationship with that girl at this time and still is). It was obvious he was not happy even though he told me he was and I felt sorry for him. Things lead to us having sex (yes, he cheated on his GF with me) – I know this was wrong and I took the liberty to tell his GF last week that he and I had sex and that we were talking behind her back. Why did I tell her? Well, to get it off my chest, and to put his ass in check – you can’t decide to come back into my life and break my heart again – be accountable for your actions for once. I feel good, that I told her, no one told me about their secret affairs, I found out on my own. This was needed for me to realize, don’t look back again, he and she are not as happy as they claim to be – but good for them if they can put this cheating behind them. I’ll take credit in helping them strengthen their relationship that spawned from lies, deceit and betrayal.
Wow reading all this is depressing. What has happened to society. Let’s see social media. GET RID OF IT! Start by making yourself happy. Stop dwelling on others lives out there. We chose not to live that life now it’s time to move away and focus on the future. If your kids are good and happy that’s all that matters. The reason I left was so my kid can have a stable mother that was being abused. Now that her father moved on I’m going to fall back in. NO! Everyone need to stand up y’all and remember why you are not with him in the first place! Life is good focus on the positive and those lovely children you all have. Let that new girl enjoy her life to. What happen to people being happy for others?! This is why the world has so much hate and crime. Live laugh and love! Good luck to all!
Handy vocab tip: the word you want is “faze”, not “phase”.
I have to say all of you should get over your issues. If your child or children likes the stepmom more than you , then theres a problem with you and not her , not all stepmothers are bad , some are even better than the biological mother and please get over your exes , it means you are the PAST and the new lady is his present and Future. PLEASE GET A LIFE LADIES , and get over your insecureties , coz it lies with you and not the new woman
Im so sick of hearing how bad stepmothers are , yes you get bad ones , but not all are like that , some stepmothers care deeply for children and only wants to help and its a foolish thought to think that a stepmother could ever replace a biological mothers place. When you dont like the new stepmother , go and think deeply did she really give you any reason to dislike her , or is it your own insecureties speaking within in you , coz you know deep down you are also not an Angel , and is so scared the stepmom does one thing better with your child or children which you couldnt. Im so tired of hearing how bad stepmoms are , rather you try to get to know her , and give her advice to have a bond with them so that your kids can be happy at both homes , instead of bad mouthing the stepmom infront of the kidds.
Michelle, you really should have read the article. None of your comments make any sense. Nowhere in the article does it demonize stepmothers. The article isn’t even about stepmothers.
We are women and we go through a ton of emotions. As a woman, I respect that you are going on a journey to try to feel emotionally healthier, for your sake and your childrens sake. Feelings of jealousy are bound to happen, and it probably has even felt like that for the new girlfriend. But, it’s not a good idea to let your kids know that you don’t like their dads new partner; those are your personal feelings, which are not what the children sees in the new girlfriend. Honestly, the insecurity is in you. Whatever reason you decided to divorce, was your own choice, and was completely valid. You simply have to look out for yourself, no one knows what went on in your house and relationship like you do. But, in making that decision, its now time to face the reality that you are not wife anymore. You are mother, but not wife. He has a right to have a new partner, just as you do. You don’t have to like with his choice to move on with someone new, but it’s good that you accept it quickly, and restore your respect for him. That should be possible, especially since you wanted to get back together with him. I know that may be difficult.
You can try to get to know his new girlfriend. Ask to exchange phone numbers for communication, especially as she may need advice if their father isnt there to care for the kids at times. Take her out on a date. Something light hearted and easy. Hopefully she will accept and be optimistic and open minded. The thing is, you have to start looking at her like the adult and woman she is. Better that you give her that respect. Somewhere in the beginning that you were introduced to the idea that your ex has a new partner, out of your own jealousy and insecurity, you lost a level of respect that she deserved. Why?? Just give her her rightfully deserved respect, otherwise you run the risk of her completely writing you off since you’re biased. Remember, she did nothing to personally hurt you. She’s just trying to find her happiness, and taking in an extra load with your kids. Being nice, or even neutral and cordial, is far better than feekkng bitter, resetting your healing journey.
It was good that you realized you hadn’t had closure from your relationship which is your personal responsibility to yourself and growth. Now, if you’d like, you can continue with your own pursuit of happiness in finding a loving partner to complete your own family, if you will. Hope it all works out!! You too, deserve happiness!! Women helping women!