Sex is natural, sex is good; not everybody does it, but everybody should. Isn’t that what George Michael sang in the song "I Want Your Sex?" He’s not the only one. The entertainment industry as a whole has put love, sex, timing, and the subsequent relationships into modern view, and I find this absolutely spectacular and necessary so as to lessen the burden and stigma of being a person with physical needs.
Pulling this string a bit more, being a woman that craves the physical has been a struggle between desire and expectations for far too long. This said, there has been a confident sexual revolution over the past 15 years that has done a lot to change things for the better. The one night stand is just one example of this freedom of expression that women have been far more comfortable undertaking. What's more, a lot more women are speaking up about why they have one night stands. There are a few lessons to be learned, and I will share some through the lens of some clients and friends of mine.
Straight Up, Not On the Rocks
Ginny had been a shotgun rider in the dating rat race her entire life. That’s because it was never proper for her to be a sexual straight shooter, what with her XX chromosomes and habit of wilting tendencies. Insert eye roll here.
Well that was then, and this is now. Ginny met a guy named Brad, he with a 6‘2 frame and sky blue eyes. She was four days removed from what was certainly the worst of a string of bad dates. She was frustrated, sexually and otherwise. Brad was funny, hot, and he did not try and play games with his intentions. This was refreshing to her and so they went there. The sex was safe and easy to move on from, largely because of his aforementioned intentions and the fact that it was not all that spectacular. What was spectacular was Ginny feeling free to act on her desires, gender expectations, and potential judgments be damned. There was to be no song and dance, just a bedroom romp on her own terms. I call this straight up versus on the rocks.
Let's visit Webster's to get the official definition of freedom: The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. Ginny felt this in spades. Hindrance or restraint for her would have come with the games, the weight of others' judgments, and other unwanted guests in her house of fun.
This is Halloween and Imma Be Someone Else For the Night
When she is in a relationship, Jasmine thinks about everything. She is also a pleaser and tends to give more than she gets. This includes pleasing her partner sexually at the expense of her own satisfaction. Her friends knew this about Jasmine and were plenty tired of seeing her get hurt all the time. One night, they took her out with every intention of getting her some. They were pretty open with her about it too. Initially, Jasmine was having none of it. She could not have sex with someone that she did not have an emotional attachment to, this was her view.
That was before she met Matt. They danced a little bit, talked a little bit and, right before the bar closed, decided to go to her place. She may have eventually slept with him, but not without taking that initial precaution and having some control over the night. She made damn sure to share that detail with me. She shared more, perhaps way more than one typically shares with a relationship coach, but the most important thing I heard was the answer to my question.
Me: How does a frog (will explain later) end up doing a one night stand and come out unscathed?
Jasmine: For once, I was not worried about the pleasure of my partner. This isn’t to say that I didn’t please him, but it was not first and foremost on my mind. It was like Halloween. I could just be someone else, and, truth be told, I was never more pleased sexually.
Frog explanation: On the relationship farm, there live four animals -- the frog being one of them. They are pleasers that tend to give more than they get, think about things way too much, and love a lot more with their heart than their head. She did not ribbit that night, but I'm sure there was a moan to be heard.
What’s Love Got to Do with It?
Roberta has been to this rodeo before and she will go back again. This is not to say that she does not want to find "the one," but until then, she will let her sex flag fly. Roberta’s lesson in sexual freedom is the easiest to explain, and she would like to tell you first-hand her views on the whole shebang. I'm just glad she is humoring me by treating it like an interview.
Me: Please tell our future readers what is it about one night stands that you find so freeing?
Roberta: We were always made to believe that sex must come from love. (Pause) It just doesn’t have to, and I’m not sure I knew that. Sex is fun. It feels good. You can meet someone that you have a good vibe with even if you know there is no long-term potential with them. I’ve…
Me: Wow, you have a lot to say here. Let me ask you this. Have you never found yourself falling in love with someone that you were in an eventual one night stand with?
Roberta: I don’t love someone in one night but there has been one guy that I thought, What if? That’s the thing. It could happen but it’s not about that.
Me: What is it about?
Roberta: Good company on all accounts. And I don’t feel guilty at all.
I loved all three of these stories because sexual freedom can only come if women free themselves from the confines of the world view and their own past. One night stands are not for everyone but the remaining stigmas of them must go the way of the dinosaur. We are physical creatures, and yes, that includes women. Be your own judge of right or wrong from the balance of your head and your heart.
As for the picture herein, it's a message to those that judge women for the same things men are praised for. That's the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
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