Perfect is such an imperfect word largely because the attributes of perfection are many and different from one person to another. This is an important point in the areas of marriage, perceived happiness and infidelity.
Why does one partner cheat on the other when they have such a perfect spouse? Well, in simple terms, it’s because the idea of a perfect spouse is itself flawed. The same is true of the perfect marriage.
Culturally, it’s the feeling that a perfect marriage for women has the attributes of the Cinderella story and other ‘like’ fairy tales:
- Nice house
- Beautiful kids
- Attractive husband
- Lots of wooing
In more updated pop culture storybooks, there are other additives that have come out to portray the more modern and realistic woman and her needs.
- Passionate and unselfish sex
- An edge of adventure
When these things aren’t present and can’t be found in the marriage, there may be infidelity. I call it the Bill Pullman effect. If you don’t know him by name you’ll surely remember him as the actor of While You Were Sleeping and Sleepless in Seattle. He was always the ‘vanilla’ choice of the female lead. And why, because he didn’t knock their socks off. Or, to use a word from the title of both movies, he had them ‘sleeping’. This can be an issue for wives and it’s the single biggest contributor for them cheating on good men.
Passionate and unselfish sex is the bees knees and the wings to women. And it’s rare. And women pine. This is especially true as they get older and their sexual prime is the Benjamin Button to men’s. So yes, there will be times when women aren’t getting their needs met at home and so they stray.
The notion that women want bad boys is flawed and overly general. But, women do want men that have an edge and a sense of adventure. For that matter, they want a relationship and life with these things. Jamie Lee Curtis in ‘True Lies’ might ring a bell. She was married to a successful guy but they never did anything crazy or spontaneous. She needed to feel like her life wasn’t as good as it gets. She needed to feel alive again. And so she strayed. Ditto for Diane Lane in ‘Unfaithful’.
In both cases above, the husbands can be good husbands, even perfect from the eyes of others. But they weren’t perfect in the eyes of the straying wife. Things are more complicated than that.
As well, there’s another aspect to cheating wives in ‘perfect’ marriages with the ‘perfect’ husband. In this aspect, there are kids and/or a stressful job in the equation. And, there is little relief in their mind. I call this the outlet effect.
Kim and Mark have beautiful children that need school clothes and play soccer and leave mud tracks around the house. Kim is balancing this with a successful career. What isn’t balanced are the roles between her and Mark when it comes to the kids and the house. She is overwhelmed by things and doesn’t feel as though Mark understands. Kim needs an outlet and Kim strays.
Life and love are about connections and the ability to fully be. Women who cheat are trying to make connections that they can’t find in their marriage. I’m not condoning cheating but I am putting the rationale into perspective. The picket fence and big rock are nice but there comes a time when women want that fire and men, by and large, can become very comfortable and complacent when it comes to marriage. Men have simpler needs and thus love and give on simpler terms.
I will end this article with a parting though that really puts a bow around this reality. There are no such thing as perfect husbands (or wives), just someone that is perfect for someone else. When women stray it’s because her husband isn’t perfect for her.
The End.
Related Articles:
- 11 Common Questions About Infidelity
- I Am A Cheater: Inside The Mind Of A Female Adulterer
- Is Your Wife Cheating? 6 Signs You Need To Watch For
- The Top 8 Reasons Women Cheat: This May Surprise You!
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There is never any justification for cheating. I don’t know of any marriage where both partner’s needs are always met. That’s life. No relationship is ever perfect because humans aren’t perfect. We must deal with each other’s flaws and foibles and remember the love that brought us together even if we aren’t always feeling it anymore. People cheat because they have poor coping mechanisms and loose boundaries. If your marriage is truly awful, face it head on with your spouse and get help. If after a concerted effort the marriage seems unfixable, get divorced with your integrity intact. Infidelity makes a happy marriage virtually impossible and makes divorce contentious and bitter.
Agree wholeheartedly and I actually have a saying that goes: To forgive cheating is to cheat on yourself. I love how you articulated everything else.
This article is total bull…not bull because she doesn’t have a point, but bull because she never asks and most of society never asks women to take repsonsibility for their actions. Husband doesn’t meet her needs, so it’s ok (or understandable) that she cheats because SHE’S missing something. When he’s missing something (like he is often missing sex), he’s supposed to deal with it. One of the reasons it is so difficult to remain married is because so many women are socialized that his problems are his fault and her problems are his fault, too! This article is a prime example of that situation.
Ted–The article was titled ‘Why’ not ‘Why It’s Okay’–never does the author justify the cheating. In fact there’s a very specific sentence that states ‘I’m not condoning cheating but I am putting the rationale into perspective.’ The article, by the way, was written by a man not a female as your comment ‘she never asks and most of society never asks…’ would suggest.
Bull, Chris.
You would never see an article like this written about men. Men are never given the benefit of the doubt the way this article does to women. One like CYA throwaway line does not undo the rest of it.
The fact it was written by a man does little to mitigate this, as you seem to believe. Men quite often are as willing (if not more so) to give women the benefit of the doubt over other men.
Ted, I’m asked by society, my children and those I love to take responsibility on a daily basis. Not taking responsibility is NOT a female problem only. Given that 60% of men cheat and 40% of women I’d say the statistics blows holes in your theory that men are more likely to deal with anything better than women. Women have finally gotten to a point that they no longer take on anyone’s problems but their own. That is why so many are walking away from men who can’t seem to understand they owe more to a marriage than pointing fingers and holding women responsible.
When a spouse strays from a comitted loving partner who isnt perfect, they are a horrible person for demanding perfection as the price of fidelity.
This article refuses to acknowledge the real issue of there being double standards. Having been through a breakdown of a relationship as a woman decided to be unfaithful, kick me out, take my money and stop me seeing my children – why? Three simple words; own personal gain. Now reverse the situation, if this was me who had done the exact same to a woman, would I have support? Would I be empowered? Would I be going through legal processes to stop the mother seeing her children? No. For too long have I seen men condemned as selfish and useless creatures that cannot live up to the needs of a “woman”. For too long have I seen men damaged as a result in a “woman’s” actions. I Do not pretend men are perfect at all, but let’s face it women have just as much power to be cruel, it’s just refused to be acknowledged in society. Funny how things do a full circle too, it’s gone from empowering women and enabling them, to a woman need to be “treated like a princess” given a “fairytale” life, for instance you’re only a real man if you provide finances, attention and every wish and want. Put the shoes on the other feet once in a while, see it from BOTH points of view.
Because it is ALWAYS 100% TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY the man’s fault when the woman is a cheater, right? Men who are cheated on ALWAYS TOTALY DESERVE IT! Right? It is ALWAYS right for a woman to cheat on her husband! It is NEVER WRONG for a woman to commit adultery!
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And THIS is why more and more men are taking The Red Pill and going MGTOW – marriage is a rigged game, and when it falls apart it ruins men. A man is a damn fool to get married. This article truely shows the disgrace of the modern woman – never take accountability, never try to work things through with your partner, and go with your vagina tingles and have sex with other men AND ITS HER HUSBANDS FAULT!!!!
Well, there you go. The reason why men cheat is because it’s the female’s fault. He isn’t getting his needs met so he must go elsewhere.
At last, females realise why men cheat.